lizatola

My AH got his DUI about 4 weeks ago. He got a lawyer right away who has been going to his court proceedings, which have only been a pre-hearing so far. Anyway, he's still driving. I have no idea what the lawyer is doing with the DMV but my AH said that he's still allowed to drive as far as he can tell. It just doesn't make any sense.
I don't want to see him punished terribly as we are trying to heal our relationship and get things back on track but he's talking about taking trips back to visit family to settle some business, etc and I find it weird that he's not focusing on 'what if I'm in jail soon?, when am I going to get the license restrictions put upon me?, will I be able to rent a car in the future?, what about the igniton interlock device?, etc' It's like he's doing just great right now. I guess the crap will hit the fan eventually and I'm just sitting here waiting it out. I have no idea how he's going to handle the fallout.

He did see his psychiatrist yesterday and the guy told him to go to AA, but I haven't seen any indication that he intends to follow through on that. He is still not drinking as far as I can tell. And, I'm still working on my trust issues and on setting some proper boundaries.

langkah

Not sure of your State, but in mine there was a lag time between getting popped and the Motor Vehicle Dept becoming involved. It gave me the time to report my license stolen, then receive a replacement from them and thus have a spare for ID and other purposes when they demanded I surrender my old one to them, or when they'd put an embarrassing big red 'RESTRICTED' stamp on it.

There are lots of games and he no doubt knows how to play them if he's appearing calm and serene and easily staying completely away from alcohol and drugs, able to reject the suggestion of his Psychiatrist because he knows better about these matters.

I loved it when the attorney asked for extension after extension, to where it seemed like ancient history when it finally made it to court and it was clear to all how very good I'd been for a very long time. At that point minimal sentences make perfect sense to everyone, and I could appear convincingly chastened and much wiser now for my long ago error.

I'd expect he's been informed of the likely outcome and is ok with it, since it will be greatly reduced from the possible. His attitude makes sense that way.

Plus, he has a nice trip away to look forward to. Nice trips away can be great opportunities if a guy is feeling restricted through no real fault of his own and too closely observed to be able to cut loose and relax like any normal fella. Not too much as we certainly wouldn't want trouble, just the tiniest bit is all.

bryangt

He will not receive any suspensions, fines etc...until there is a formal hearing. Some lawyers can postpone hearings numerous times...even a year can go by at times. He should drive & take care of business while he can....I've been through it & have paid the price--dearly.

Cyranoak

Don't worry. It'll come soon enough.

lizatola

LOL, I know it will. I just feel like any rehab or AA that they require will lose it's effect on him because he'll be able to say, "Well, I've quit drinking all this time without help, why bother?" I do have fears and that's that he'll not take any attempts at rehab seriously since he's 'doing it all by himself' anyway.

I know I need to release my fears and expectations, too. He's going to do what he's going to do and that just may not jive with what I want, but I have to accept that it's how he's choosing recovery.

Justfor1

He will not receive any jail for a first time DUI. The criminal justice is way to overcrowded for that. It takes 45 days from date of arrest until your license becomes suspended. In my state car insurances do not find out about the DUI because it is not a conviction. You do need a breath machine now though for even first time offenders. Also, he will probably have to attend some brief "alcohol school" type program. The truth is some folks who are non-alcoholics get DUI's as well. If they label him as a higher risk or alcoholic then the hoops will be greater to jump through.

velma929

You can do time for the first offense in our state. In our state, it is commonly a 48 hour sentence from 6 pm Friday to 6 pm Sunday. (Add 24 hours to the sentence if you show up drunk.) There is time to plan for it though.

Many years ago, an ex-boyfriend got arrested for DWI. His lawyer gave him very practical advice. The lawyer filed a continuance. He told his client to use the extra time to find an apartment close to work so he could walk to work or easily get a ride or a taxi. That way, his work attendance would not be effected by his DWI.

And he told him that going to "drunk school" would be a condition for getting his license back, so he ought to do that NOW. Getting to and home from drunk school is a pain if you can't drive. The police sit outside drunk school, too, to bag the offenders who are still dumb enough to be driving without their licenses.

Cyranoak

...don't worry, his "doing it all by himself" rehab plan is likely to teach him a few things as well (though he may not learn and 1 in a million actually make it stick).

You've got it right when you say, "I know I need to release my fears and expectations, too. He's going to do what he's going to do and that just may not jive with what I want, but I have to accept that it's how he's choosing recovery." And that, my dear, is a win!

Cyranoak

P.s. 78.2 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

lizatola

Thank you! He's doing well not drinking and swears that he can do it forever. He did it for 15 years so I guess he thinks forever won't be so bad. As far as I can tell, I can trust him on this one.

What bugs me is that his psychiatrist told him to go to AA and he hasn't done a dang thing about that. He's still committed to doing it all by himself!

wicked

Justfor1,

I know this is off topic for this thread. We can move it if you like.
What does this mean? "car insurances do not find out about the DUI because it is not a conviction." Are you saying a DUI does not affect your license status or the amount of insurance you pay? Please tell me what state this is in.

And that last sentence about "the truth is some folks are non-alcoholics get DUI's as well (yes they do, if they are caught driving under the influence). They pay the same consequences as the alcoholics, it is usually the non-alcoholic will get the message, and NEVER do it again.
I am an alcoholic and never in my life got a DUI. Does that make me a non alcoholic driver or better than anyone else?
No, it makes me one lucky drunk.
I am probably reading your reply with the heart of an alcoholic.
Who labels him a higher risk? The insurance company. Why? Well statistics bear them out. Every single time.

As the ex wife of an addicted (crack) and alcoholic spouse who lost his license, I can say the DUI affects the whole family while my spouse moaned and cried about how unfair it was, the cop was out to get him, there was only a joint in the ashtray and a beer in his lap.
I had to drive that idiot everywhere (and I include my codependent self in there as idiot driving) to drunk classes, to work, home from work, pick/up drop off kids, all appointments for kids and court appearances for him to blow every week.

Everything costs money. The whole damn mess. I volunteered until I could take no more. He would not take responsibility for his f** ups and I was tired of working full time and cleaning up after him.

Beth



I feel better. I am sorry Justfor1, but something you said about "non-alcoholics getting DUI tickets" set me off.
Time for some step 4 work.

:rotfxko

Justfor1

Wicked, I qualify for this forum also because of a family member who is out of control at the moment for drugs. Yes, I'm also a recovering person. When I received my first DUI in 1999 I was given supervision. It's not considered a conviction & my car insurance did not go up at all. I go to AA so you can imagine the amount of drunk drivers I know. My friend has 6 DUI convictions, 10 Driving While Revoked & has spent about 2 years all together in prison for his crimes. I have my license back after 3 DUI's and I have a 10year old car & my mandatory minimum state insurance is very cheap. Every state is different but the penalties are not as severe as people think. Of course, they should be. To the OP, I doubt his first DUI will cost 15,000. I spent less than that for all 3 of my DUI's. I hope if your husband doesn't hit AA, you still attend Al-anon.

lizatola

Yes, I am attending Al Anon. We live in AZ, think of Sheriff Joe Arpaio, and we have the strictest DUI laws in the country. DUI offenders do go to jail here and get work release during the day. My therapist's friend got a DUI 4 years ago and it cost her $25,000 total by the time it was all finished. She did 45 days in jail.

So, I do believe it can cost up to $15,000. Heck, it's already cost us $5000 between lawyer retainer fees, impound fees, and the fact that the towing company messed up our wheels on our car and we had to get new tires and new wheels which cost us about $1000. And, we haven't even paid the court fees and jail fees which could run about $4000. Throw in random testing, the ignition interlock device(now required by ALL DUI offenders in the state of AZ) and the lease cost on that every month, etc. I have a feeling that it can be quite costly.

Justfor1

Wow liz thats incredible. I saw a prison show with that Sheriff Joe, he seems real strict. Here in IL, we have pretty strict DUI laws that effect your license through the Secretary Of State. After the 4th DUI you are even revoked for life! But as far as the criminal penalties we are so overcrowded that Judges must decide who needs prison more the rapist/robber or drunk on the road. Of course, drunk on the road with a 2,000 pound vehicle is just as dangerous as a mugger with a knife/gun. I never mean to disrespect anyone on this side of the forum. I just wanted to share my experience with this issue from the drunks side. AA would help your husband as long as he looks at the similarities & not the differences.