OnMyFeet

I am mom to 7 and stepmom to 2, with 3 teens living at home. One is my 17yog, who is an addict.

I am so glad to find the forum and will be hungrily reading. I am familiar with AA, Alanon and Alateen (I was in Alateen way back when...).

While I am reading and learning and looking for a local group to attend meetings, I have a question.

How can I start to not engage verbally with my daughter? I am expected by the school (she was just suspended for a week for leaving campus and returning high) and am expected by the authorities to do all that I can as a parent to "get her help". She doesn't see that she has a problem. She doesn't want to change. She doesn't care that she is breaking our rules at home. We cannot make her leave because she is under 18. I love the concept of living my life and letting her live out the consequences for her actions... but I am expected to get her help. She has an appointment with a mental health dependency/addiction program through our local medical group tomorrow, but couldn't care less.

Anyway, back to the question... could I get some tips on not verbally engaging? It seems simple... just don't respond. Then she goes down the guilt trip road of "so, you just aren't talking to me?" or "yeah, you don't care" and then I find myself trying to discuss things with her, with no positive outcome.

She is home for this week because she isn't allowed at school. It's very stressful. So, while I am introducing and asking, what are some ideas/tips for personal stress management... I don't want to see my health decline due to high stress, so how can that be managed? I already pray... and use music at times as a tool as well...

Thanks!

Thelma

I've found with my AH the one thing that works is not to engage. If he starts on his blame game or accusations my response is..."I'm sorry you feel that way." When I'm accused of not caring my reply is..."I do care that's why I'm listening instead of talking." I do not point out that what he is saying is making no sense or what he has done in the past. I listen, I nod and if I continue to get accused i say, " I've heard you...what is it you want to hear from me? That its ok to use? I'm sorry I can't do that." I refuse to argue anymore and if I don't engage my AH tries to push my buttons to MAKE me engage. They want to know they can. At least she is going to go to a therapist, have you thought about putting her in rehab and having her school work made available so she wont get behind? I've tried to talk my AH into going to no avail, BUT your daughter is a minor and you make the decisions. Good luck to you.

OnMyFeet

The appointment for tomorrow is one of three to assess where she is at and what services she needs. Her father (we are divorced) and I are checking into possible insurance coverage for residential programs. I am trying to determine how much effort to put towards that with her "I don't have a problem" stance...