MsGrace

This forum, the thousand years of wisdom here and Al Anon have saved my life. I had what I thought was a pretty good marriage, and took my vows very seriously. I gave it all I had. When he decided to drink instead of be married, I went through the most devastating pain. So incomprehensible that they make these decisions to just walk away from everything in life. The grief encompassed my personal loss, seeing him deteriorate so rapidly, the financial responsibilities he was happy to heap upon me....all of it.

In my desperation to make sense of it all...I headed to Al Anon right away. I'm a Taoist, so there wasn't anything about the languaging in the program that was a fit for me...so I listened to the people, the stories, allowed myself to be nurtured and loved through the worst of it. I just sat and bawled for weeks in the beginning. I kept hearing it would get better...I didn't believe it.

Then I found SR. I spent hours here...literally. I couldn't drink in the wisdom here enough. But the common thread was that loving, understanding "I know what you are feeling" commaradarie, and amazing wisdom that helped me take a step beyond. I got some insights into myself and also learned so very, very much about the disease....I felt like to keep learning, and looking carefully at myself to change what I could could one day ease this suffering.

It did. I found myself one day having a spontaneous "it's great to be alive!" day. I was re-engaging my work, socializing again, making plans for my solo future. I also found my deep rage underneath the sadness which eventually gave way to seeing my AH with compassion. No matter how hard this is for me, I am clear, not addicted, have held my friends close, and have a future.

And then there is the divorce. He has fired his atty, lost all his sober friends, refuses to provide required documentation or settle. So my legal costs have skyrocketed. Completely crazy, irrational ridiculous thinking. He drunk emails my attorney...and seems like he wants to force a trial (!) for a 5 year marriage with very simple settlement discussion on the table. Guess who will have to pay the thousands for a trial?

So I'm back to rage. Trying to find my compassion, which has been lost somewhere. Need my SR great pillars of wisdom.

Tuffgirl

My RAH told me once - in a joking manner but with a shred of truth to it - that its hard to shake an alcoholic.

You've forcing his hand through divorce. I imagine he's feeling very self righteous right now in pushing you this way, especially if he is unwilling to acknowledge his part in it all.

Ignore it as best you can. Give good instructions to your attorney to minimize contact. And keep your faith that this too shall pass.

Prayers and positive thoughts to you today!

Thelma

My very first thought is that he's calling your bluff in hopes that you will drop the proceedings. My second thought is if you want/need to get out of this marriage and can manage to pay the atty do it. I think it will cost you more physically, emotionally and monitarily in the long run if you stay. Is there legal separation documented? Depending on the state you may no longer be responsible for his finances once a separation is documented. Check with your atty. And I would also make him pay for half of your legal fees since he is the one dead set on incurring them on his drunken emails. And you said it yourself....YOU HAVE A FUTURE. keep us posted and know we are here for you.

MsGrace

thank you Thelma and Tuff. My atty says that collecting legal fees from the other side really only happens in a case like this, where he refuses to settle. It's filed as a separate motion after the trial.

My attorney also informed him that if he refuses to supply the requested documents, the court is likely to split the entire 401(k) and profit share plan, including the portion that was pre-marital. So even this...he either doesn't comprehend, or is thinking he'll be able to bully the judge. Good luck with that.

From my side....I want to stop stressing over all the unknowns (so I'm wearing out my therapist), and trying to find humor while this process plays out. (which seems hard right now) I"m sure on the backside of it, I may re-discover some compassion.

Cyranoak

...and I used to do it all the time-- probably too much. That said, I'm taking it out of retirement for you:

Guck that fuy!

Cyranoak