itsmylifenow

My story:

Met my exAB 3 years ago at a group of singles. We started out as friends. I had a major attraction to him early on. He seemed so personable and outgoing, liked to have fun and was a good looking guy. I had heard comments about him...one woman walked away from him because he had anger issues and her ex was the same way (I figured she was just overreacting). Another had left an AH and despised anyone who really drank to excess (again, that was HER situation and maybe she was just a little sensitive). I saw and heard everything, yet chose to ignore it because I really had a thing for him.

My journal from the first month was filled with red flags. To put it into perspective this is an excerpt from my journal. "I'm not even sure why I invited him over. After hanging with him today I know he is not the right guy for me. I saw the way he handled his dog and I couldn't stand it. He was brutal and mean to her yelled at her and called her a bitch. He drinks too much. Can't be anywhere unless he's drinking. He scares me. His temper scares me and the way he is quick to write people off and get pissed off at them. He definitely has his quirks. He has ways of doing everything so it's just better not to help out at all. Probably not a relationship I'd want to be in long term. I don't want to curb who I am because he wants to be controlling....I didn't make it to the phone earlier and he left 2 messages. I called him back around 8:15 and at 9:00 he drove by my house and threw the cd of pictures on my front lawn then tore off down the street...in front of my ex and kids. He is an ass. I don't want anything more to do with him. His reasoning was he was not in a good place. He went to where I said I was going to be, couldn't find me and was feeling neglected, lonely and whatever. I don't want him here tomorrow. I can't handle his ****. I don't care to see the fun guy come out knowing that this other guy is in there with him."

This was in June of 2009. We continued our on and off relationship for 2 1/2 years. Never getting any better, never changing, only getting worse. His verbal abuse, his quick temper, the way he yelled - I was crying all the time. I was an emotional wreck. We couldn't go anywhere there wasn't beer so he always had a cooler of it wherever he went. Many times he told me he was going to change. He wanted to be more family oriented. He was going to stop drinking (his challenge was for one month...and he did it...then wanted to open a bottle of champagne to celebrate. It wasn't about sobriety it was just a challenge to see if he could do it). Constant blame that I was the one who didn't know how to have a relationship. That I didn't know how to give love and be there for someone. I was the reason he didn't get his happily ever after.

I'd like to say my saga with him has ended but it continues on in my mind. I have some serious questions why I need this drama and control in my life. I get away and find my life again then seem to need a bit of chaos and drama and go right back. Even right now, after him and I had a big argument last night because it needs to end, I feel the urge to call him. I can't say I'm to blame for the whole relationship, but I'm certainly a codie in all of this and continue to go back for more over and over. The signals were loud and clear before he got his hooks in me, then got blurred after that. Then emotions came into play and that was that.

Sorry for the long story. There is so much more...most of which I've read about other's relationships. There is a point of sharing and understanding and a point where it's time to move forward. Focusing on the past and him only serves to keep me stuck.

I want out forever this time.

Mavis1

Hi, you answered all your own questions. re-read your post. do what you say you are going to do. run, don't walk away from this terrible situation. save yourself and your time on this earth. if you think you need drama, think again and then go to get help, there is so much support out there for codependency, look at your own issues, keep going to meetings, time will help heal, just move forward, put blinders on. you are the only one that can help you, no one else. all the best, m

Tuffgirl

Welcome to SR. Sorry for the situation that brought you here, but this is a great place to be.

Have you ever read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie? It's a great book that may answer some of your questions about the need for drama in your life.

I asked myself the same thing a lot and what I found was I really don't need it, but I did thrive on it for some very legitimate reasons. It was what I knew. When I began to change my views, the drama went away because I was no longer allowing it or creating it.

Now I live a peaceful life (for the most part!). It really is our choice. I hope you find your power and strength!
Take good care,
~T

Jennifer124

You deserve soooo much better! You deserve peace, hope, happiness. Don't call him, whatever you do! Keep writing on this forum, talking with friends and family, exercising. I swear, there are actually normal, stable functioning, zero drama couples out there!!!
My ABF is a "fun, happy drunk." Never verbally abusive, does not cheat on me. But he is drunk all the time. Says he is coming home, then I don't see him for 1-7 hours. Would pass on on living room floor frequently. But sure as hell stayed in a good mood.... as long as he was drinking. hungover, what an irritable jerk. I don't deserve that! I think we all know in our gut when things are right or wrong, but our heart keeps saying "but he has potential, he is so loving at times, he loves me and cares about me, that's why he stays with me, right"? Follow your gut!