Marytherboo

AH has been quacking all day but I've been letting his calls go to voice mail and erasing them.

Except for one, where he said he had to go for a CT scan today to evaluate a polyp they saw in his lung on the chest x-ray when he was in the ER. I let it go because I can't believe half of what he says, especially the guilt-trip stuff.

And then I got a text message from an old friend of mine who had seen him at the hospital (not the psych facility where he's still admitted after his suicidal episode last week). So he did go get that CT scan after all, I'm thinking to myself.

And then the guilt floodgates opened. How terrible am I , an oncology nurse deserting her husbamd when he has cancer? What's wrong with me? Why am I not rushing down there to get him and bring him home to take care of him?

Because he's still an active alcoholic, darn it. Because he refuses to honor any boundaries, take any responsibility, tell the truth, etc. if I took him back he'd just keep right on trashing everything, maybe even worse with the threat of cancer hanging over his head. Nothing would be safe, my serenity would be shattered, everything would go right back into the toilet.

I know there's nothing definite yet, so there's not even a real decision for me to make. But my guilt was bitter enough for throwing him out with no money and no friends...how am I supposed to bear this new development?

Am I really the cruel, heartless bi*** he's called me all these years because I won't rescue him? I can't bear the idea of another day with his chaos in the house, but I've literally put the car keys under my copy of Courage to Change to keep myself from sprinting to his side. Aaaaargh!

ichabod

He deserted you. Don't forget that. You have to put yourself first.

SoberMan2012

i struggle with boundries too. Hang in there

Tuffgirl

Not at all. You are letting him be the grown up that he is and handling his stuff himself. Obviously he knows how to manage - he got himself to the hospital to get checked out.

outtolunch

Boundaries usually begin with " I will/ will not..." Attempts to control other people usually begin with " you will/ will not...or else".

Boundaries define your values and do not require anyone else to comply.

Not associating with people who do not take responsibility for themselves and/or lie are examples of healthy boundaries. When confronted with such people, you take responsibility and remove yourself from the situation, thereby enforcing your boundary.

You have nothing to feel guilty about and cancer is not a get out of jail free card.

EnglishGarden

You are catastrophizing, Mary, no need to do that.

If he does have cancer, you can decide then what you want to do about being by his side in a hospital.

If he does not have cancer, you can, at any time it makes you feel better, suggest he seek treatment for addiction because he is worthy of life.

He can seek recovery as soon as the CT scan comes back.He can seek recovery this very moment, in fact.

You can step away and let God handle it all, dear.

jessiec

You are absolutely not uncaring or unkind. You have shown so much love, care and compassion for this man and that is clear to anyone who reads your posts. He needs to take care of himself now more than ever - here's hoping thos wakeup call is what it takes.

dgh0218

the first thing to work on is you and trying to conrol the damage that he has caused you and he probably will keep on hurting you while he is still drinking or using i have had long term relationships where i stayed sober but eventually had to ask my loved one to either leave or get help to stay sober and that i was done piclking them up from the floor literally and cleaning up the mess they left both at our home and the hurt that it caused to me it is never easy to make these decisions but it does help to communicate with other people that are goint thru the same things

Noodler

Hi Mary,

I understand where that pain is coming from, and everytime I get that I say " this is what you ve caused me, this pain" its not right or healthy is it.

My RAH is an expert at this and doesnt even know it. Hes got pains everywhere, hes had CT scans on his lungs also when he first stopped drinking, enlarged liver etc. and then when he got the all clear last summer he started drinking in Nov? Because he wasnt as ill as he thought?

Its so all about him, I have a hospital appt soon, we ve talked about it once......

Its all about realisation for me, that its happening and I have to act.

I know i would feel exactly how you feel now and you are doing what I have learned we have to do whether we like it or not, to survive. The other posts are right they are so self centered, they make damn sure they make these appts, if nothing else its a form of attention that we are now not giving them. And its amazing they find the time to attend these appts when they havent found time to do anything else but work and drink for years( that my RAH).

Hold Fast
xxx