Admitting and then denying

Old 03-12-2012, 01:07 PM
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Admitting and then denying

What do you do when they sometimes admit to having a problem and even say they want help/AA and then other times sound completely non-sensical, make excuses and say they don't have a problem??? It is so frustrating.

For background purposes (I've posted here before and it's helped a lot), I'm over four months sober and my boyfriend has a drinking problem. Well, in my opinion and the opinion of most everyone who has seen how he drinks or to whom I have talked about it, he does, but apparently in his own opinion, sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't.

It's so exasperating and yesterday I caught him lying to me about how much he was drinking for the first time ever. That's not to say it hasn't happened before but this is the first time I've had proof. I just want to scream because I don't want to leave him but it looks like I don't have a choice. I'm just really sad right now. Just this week he was admitting to having a problem and saying he wanted help. Then he sneaks drinks and lies and then apologizes for lying but says he doesn't think his drinking is that big of a deal?!?!?! It makes no sense. Thanks for reading.
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Old 03-12-2012, 02:30 PM
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Yeah I know what you mean Anvil and I also know that no one can decide to get/stay sober except for that person for him/herself. I think my problem is just trying to figure out what I want my life to look like. I was in the same place as he was but I have changed so much and I don't want a life that revolves around alcohol anymore. We are just on totally different pages and I guess I have to stick to what I want/don't want and move on. But the hard part is that he says he wants to change too so I have hope and I stay, but then he is back to denying it and then I want to leave. It's like this crazy game of yo-yo'ing back and forth.
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Old 03-12-2012, 02:33 PM
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And thank you for the advice about sticking to my own recovery Anvil. Maybe I just need to distance myself from him or take a break while I focus on myself because I do not want to lose all that I've worked for.
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Old 03-12-2012, 02:47 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
it's tough...sticking to our own STUFF and not wanting to go over and fuss with theirs. he will either "get with the program" or not....more will be revealed. at least ONE of you is sober right now...right? that's a 50% success rate!
True.

I think that in recovery my way of thinking is just changing about everything. The kind of person I want to be and the kind of person I want as a partner. So it's so hard because I have this history with him and in general we get along great but then I know there is this thing I don't want to deal with forever and the uncertainty of how to deal with the instances of him drinking etc.

I guess if I don't want to leave him then I just need to be patient and see what happens and just focus on myself.
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Old 03-12-2012, 02:48 PM
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I know for sure that I don't want to be around him when he's drinking. He's told me that he won't drink when he's around me. I guess I need to be prepared to just get up and leave wherever we're at in the event that he does start drinking.
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Old 03-12-2012, 04:14 PM
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Originally Posted by Pigtails View Post
But the hard part is that he says he wants to change too so I have hope and I stay, but then he is back to denying it and then I want to leave. It's like this crazy game of yo-yo'ing back and forth.
I started to do better when I stopped believing what he "told" me and started to believe what I saw (his actions).

My qualifier would regularly after a binge drinking episode realize that he wanted to make some changes....then that incident would clear and he was right back to the starting gate.

It did put the responsibility right on me to decide what I could live with, but at least then I was working with something that was mine and not trying to manipulate/control another person.
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Old 03-13-2012, 09:41 AM
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Originally Posted by LifeRecovery View Post
I started to do better when I stopped believing what he "told" me and started to believe what I saw (his actions).

My qualifier would regularly after a binge drinking episode realize that he wanted to make some changes....then that incident would clear and he was right back to the starting gate.

It did put the responsibility right on me to decide what I could live with, but at least then I was working with something that was mine and not trying to manipulate/control another person.
This is really helpful to me. I am realizing that I have to concentrate on myself and my own decisions, not on him and his. And you're right that just because he says he wants to change, doesn't mean that he will.

I feel I'm in a holding pattern because we are not married, we don't have kids, we don't live together (officially-- he is always at my apartment or whenever he isn't, I'm at his house), and I wanted/want all of these things for us but at the same time I know that I don't want to marry/have kids with an active alcoholic. Other than his drinking, things are great between us and sometimes I start to feel like just letting things go like they are, but then I realize we are at this standstill because I can't move forward with things like they are and I DO want marriage and the opportunity for a family etc.
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Old 03-13-2012, 09:52 AM
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I would say beat him with a Come to Senses Stick but now a days you end up in jail for that...

On a serious note it sounds like time to walk away and the most opportune time since you don't live together. Better fish are out there. Why waste time, effort and your life..
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Old 03-13-2012, 09:58 AM
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Originally Posted by AlwaysGrowing View Post
I would say beat him with a Come to Senses Stick but now a days you end up in jail for that...

On a serious note it sounds like time to walk away and the most opportune time since you don't live together. Better fish are out there. Why waste time, effort and your life..
The Come to Senses stick is a funny image.

Yeah, I talk to him about how I've changed a lot about who I am and what I want out of life, and I would like to be with him but we are just so different now that it may be a fundamental incompatibility type of issue. He says he does want to change and is changing, but not as fast as I have... that I'm way ahead of him and to be patient and wait for him. But then I get frustrated because it seems like he doesn't want to, or maybe can't, change. His outlook on life is so negative and he doesn't see the point in trying, most of the time. He loves me and is very positive about me/us but everything else in his life he looks at as bleak and depressing and he is so negative about life in general. It just feels weird because I have this really positive hopeful outlook now and he'll ask me how I think the way that I do or what he should do to think differently, but whatever I tell him, he scoffs at or says it doesn't work for him.
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Old 03-13-2012, 10:03 AM
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Pegtails, go to meetings, take care of yourself, perhaps your power of example will help him along but you can't count on it. you need to take extra TLC with your recovery or you'll find yourself right out there having a drink with him and be back at square one. you are the only one that you can help, no that, accept that, nothing in this world can get an alcoholic sober if he/she does not desire it. you know that yourself if you are newly sober. get help and support thru your 12 step programs, pray for him, but most importantly, pray for you and your recovery...that's it, simple. but very hard....hugs m
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Old 03-13-2012, 10:17 AM
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Originally Posted by AlwaysGrowing View Post
I would say beat him with a Come to Senses Stick but now a days you end up in jail for that...

On a serious note it sounds like time to walk away and the most opportune time since you don't live together. Better fish are out there. Why waste time, effort and your life..
Originally Posted by Mavis1 View Post
Pegtails, go to meetings, take care of yourself, perhaps your power of example will help him along but you can't count on it. you need to take extra TLC with your recovery or you'll find yourself right out there having a drink with him and be back at square one. you are the only one that you can help, no that, accept that, nothing in this world can get an alcoholic sober if he/she does not desire it. you know that yourself if you are newly sober. get help and support thru your 12 step programs, pray for him, but most importantly, pray for you and your recovery...that's it, simple. but very hard....hugs m
Thanks Mavis. I've been trying to do this (can't say it's easy). I'm realizing that no matter what happens with him/us, I have to be in the best place possible for myself. Yesterday I went to a women's meeting and it was eerily appropriate. The topic centered around getting/staying strong in our program so that we can be there when other need us-- we can't give away what we don't have. People shared about loved ones whom they had practically given up on who suddenly took an interest in AA, years down the road. It gave me hope that my boyfriend might eventually want what I have (he's even said he wants to go to AA, but then backed down from that when the time came), but he can't want it, and I can't give it, if I don't have it. Sometimes I think it will be too late for us because the window will have passed and I will have had to have made some decisions for my own life, to move on and find someone more similar to the way I want my life to be, but even then perhaps if he ever wants sobriety he will know where to find it. And maybe it won't be too late. But whatever happens I have to just keep focused on myself and work my own program. Thanks again.
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Old 03-13-2012, 10:27 AM
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Pigtails. My partner is an alcohlic, I relate to what you say and I sympathise with you completely. I am not an alcholic so of course I don't have my own recovery to think about and that must be of first priority to you, I'm sure but my life used to revolve around alcohol and I hated it... actually I more than hated it, I despised it.
The way I dealt with it was by not dealing with his alcoholism at all. I am still with my active addict, but I made some necessary and over due changes to my own life.
I am T-Total, I exercise reguarly, I see my friends, take my neices to the park, I am working towards a promotion and I am saving money.
It's not much but it makes me feel as if my life is heading in the right direction regardless and I hope in time my A will join me. But if he doesn't well, the only thing left for me to sort out would be leaving him and of course I wont do that until I am ready and who knows, maybe I wont even have too.
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Old 03-13-2012, 10:38 AM
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[QUOTE=Pigtails;3319034] I'm realizing that no matter what happens with him/us, I have to be in the best place possible for myself.

The topic centered around getting/staying strong in our program so that we can be there when other need us-- we can't give away what we don't have. to just keep focused on myself and work my own program. QUOTE]

Maybe your recovery is enough for right now. Luckily you don't have to decide your relationship in the next hour or day.

I was working on my recovery from an eating disorder when I met my qualifier. Throughout our marriage I continued to work my own recovery, continued therapy, groups, etc.

I still stayed longer than I should have. It was still challenging when it came time for the relationship to end....but I have done a lot of work prior to it ending. When I realize that I had lessons to learn for my own growth and blossoming it helps me to get less caught up in the details.

My struggle with codependent behavior was there way before my qualifier was. I think I was going to have to learn some of these lessons one way or another (I don't mean to imply that my ex was interchangable).
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Old 03-13-2012, 10:39 AM
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Originally Posted by klbutcher View Post
Pigtails. My partner is an alcohlic, I relate to what you say and I sympathise with you completely. I am not an alcholic so of course I don't have my own recovery to think about and that must be of first priority to you, I'm sure but my life used to revolve around alcohol and I hated it... actually I more than hated it, I despised it.
The way I dealt with it was by not dealing with his alcoholism at all. I am still with my active addict, but I made some necessary and over due changes to my own life.
I am T-Total, I exercise reguarly, I see my friends, take my neices to the park, I am working towards a promotion and I am saving money.
It's not much but it makes me feel as if my life is heading in the right direction regardless and I hope in time my A will join me. But if he doesn't well, the only thing left for me to sort out would be leaving him and of course I wont do that until I am ready and who knows, maybe I wont even have too.
Thank you for this helpful advice. I took my dog for a run yesterday, now that it stays light out longer, and my boyfriend joined me. In the past we exercised together regularly and he feels better about himself and doesn't drink as much when he exercises. At the same time, I know I am doing this for me. If he joins me in any of it, great. If not, great. (Yesterday I told him I was going to an AA meeting and then running and he was welcome to join me in either/both-- he told me he would run with me...). I promised my dog I'll try to take her running every day this spring (she is a big dog and I live in an apartment!, poor thing), and I promised myself I will get in shape for summer time/beachwear! I worked on cleaning my apartment last night, which had been a goal for awhile and I finally made the time and want to keep making the time in the evenings. I rather recently started my own business so that gives me plenty to focus on as well. I feel like I stopped drinking and made some other good changes but then I got rather stuck, worried about my boyfriend and maybe afraid to move ahead without him or something. But now I'm going to plunge into recovery and into having the kind of life that I want, which definitely includes not drinking but also includes more than that. I am going to take some "space" from my boyfriend in that I am going to just plan my own routine and make plenty of me-time and do healthy things that make me happy, and I will invite him along but not rely on him to do those things for myself. I think the hard part will be if he goes out drinking, then I'll feel like I'm moving ahead with my life and he is staying stuck in his... but I guess I'll cross that bridge when/if I come to it, and I will stay focused on my own goals no matter what. Thanks so much.
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