skarletstarlet

I never thought I'd want to hold my kids back from seeing their dad (they are currently 2 + 1). HOWEVER. As of late, we've been living with my mom and dad to avoid his drunken behaviour (almost setting the apartment on fire, kicking us out, etc.)

I *think* he enjoys the fact that we don't live with him. YES he calls. YES he texts. But he no longer has me sitting over his shoulder asking him to stop drinking beer at 10 a.m. or to ask how many shots of whiskey he has while I went grocery shopping! He no longer has our (suspected) autistic son crying at his feet to be held. He no longer has our 2 year old little girl running around destroying the apartment. He sees them an hr a day (I have to take them there as he won't come over) and thats it! NO familial obligation!

I almost feel like holding the kids back (he would have to come here) because its not fair. He can't have a family when he wants to/chooses to, and then leave us when he wants to/chooses to.

My counsellor told me I have to be nice to my MIL because she will be important in supervising my XAF during visits with kids (however SHE tolerates this behaviour and thinks I am crazy!)... I think if I hand my kids over to her so she can (presumably) take them to her place, she will take them right to his apartment, no questions asked as she has done so before.

Anyone else have input? How does it work for you?

MsPINKAcres

To be honest - "he probably does enjoy the freedom to do what alcoholics do"

most of them do when we step out of their way. . . really nothing we can do to change that. . .

all we really can do is do what is healthy for us and our children.

You might have to seek what legal rights you have to see if you can ask the MIL to not bring the children to see him, if he appears to be unsafe (mentally or physically) to see them. If she doesn't honor your request, then you may have to limit her time with them. But of course, I AM NOT an attorney - I have no idea of the laws in your area - please again - seek advice from a professional as to what is best for the children.

For me, sometimes it does seem like "they" get off easy with no responsibility - but they also miss out on all those hugs, smiles, giggles, accomplisments and all the other wonderful things that we get to experience with our children & grandchildren!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

skarletstarlet

Thank you Rita!

I hope he misses them like crazy. I hope it convinces him to seek out a program. I have realized that our relationship is far beyond repair (being called a fat, lazy, noncontributing ***** so many times will do that to you!) But I wish for my kids, their dad would be better at being a father.

theuncertainty

Dealing with an XAH (or STBXAH or BF - whichever) when there are little ones involved is so nerve wracking. It's even harder when you feel you can't really trust the family that should be helping to protect the kids rather than the A. I completely understand this. I know my xSIL thinks I'm the same type of crazy-ex-wife that she was/is with her ex. I know xFIL is a sweet, if somewhat naive, 80-year old man who doesn't understand that an alcoholic can't 'just stop drinking.'

XAH's father and sister (and GF, but that's another story) are court appointed visitation supervisors. I don't trust them to believe or understand that XAH's alcoholism (and abusive nature) are a safety hazard to DS. I don't trust them to NOT take XAH's side. I don't trust them to tell me when XAH is not actually there for his visits. I don't trust them to not take every step possible to protect XAH from suffering from the consequences of his behavior.

However, I do trust them to abide by the letter of the law regarding their requirements to stay within sight and sound of DS during his visits. They love DS. I trust them to be around for DS to run to if XAH decides to drink or start screaming (or worse) at him.

I didn't at first. All I saw at first was their protection of XAH. It took a long time for me to see beyond that to the fact that they love DS, their nephew / grandson. Yes, their idea of family is twisted and they enable XAH, but they do love DS. They won't let any physical harm come to him while in their presence.

When I first left XAH, I pushed the envelope on getting XAH to see our son. I called and made the arrangements. I took DS over to where he was crashing. It's taken me a long time to let that go, too. It's not my responsibility to make sure XAH keeps his visitation times with DS. It's his. Yes, DS is heartbroken about the no-shows, but it's not my job to make XAH show up. It's my job to take care of DS. Yes, he should have a relationship with his father, but it's not my job to create it. Does that make sense?

Have you started working on drafting a parenting and visitation plan? or consulted with an attorney or law clinic for this? Filed the paperwork for Child Support?