mayalewiston

As many of you know as you have been amazingly supportive, I'm moving out of home with AH tomorrow. He has been Jeckyl/Hyde all day today and after I didn't go along with his idea that his ENTIRE DRINKING PROBLEM was related to the cost of our new house (we moved in 6 months ago - he has been struggling with drinking since I met him 6 years ago... and we can afford it). Anyhow, as I didn't buy into the latest "quick fix" (is this common?) for his alcoholism, I then get the below email from him.... I guess I want to know if this sounds familiar to anyone? It really gets to me For the record, I've never said I think I am perfect and have admitted to plenty of mistakes over the years.

From AH: "And yet you STILL cease to recognize that you might have possibly done something wrong in this relationship and are partly to blame. That is the exact mentality that drove us to this point. I have been driven here. No…I am not healthy, and yes I will get some help. But I have been pushed to this point by someone who will take NO accountability….EVER, for anything. You have not been perfect in this relationship and you know that, but you act like you have been.

I would be so much more apologetic and probably there right now giving you what you needed if you would for just one second get off or your high horse and admit and take accountability for the fact that I am not the only one that has screwed this marriage up! I know you “only treat me this way because of how I treated you”….but at some point we have to get past the ‘what came first...the chicken or the egg?’, mentality…and we never have. Who started it?...me lying, or you treating me like a doorstep…who knows? I have my opinion, and you have yours. And to be completely, I’m sure that we are both completely correct in our own regard."

lillamy

Sadly, that sounds very familiar.

amy55

wow, ok, been there don that. I as married for 27 plus years. That was what I got. He called me Mrs perfect all the time. I finally left. He told me that he filed for a divorce because we were not toghter, and that you can't have a relationship like that. Kept telling me that he didn't want to listen to my stupid bulsh!t.

You got a place to go to, move, do not go back,

They will blame you for everything, quack, quack.................

I was always on my "high horse" because I wanted things to be better...................

Everything he said was blaming........................................... ..

You are too good for him. To bad he didn't notice that.

mayalewiston

Thanks Lillamy and Amy - good to know I'm not the only perfect crazy person on a high horse Another personal favorite is my "high expectations." Expecting honestly and fidelity is clearly WAYYYY too much to ask. (and then I "over-react" when my "high expectations" are not met)... I could go on forever!

klbutcher

Oh yes!!
I heard something along those lines this weekend and many weekends before that.
He tends to focus on everyone elses faults, how our actions cause his, how us ''nagging'' doesn't help, how he can't talk to us ... bla bla!
As hard as it is, try not to take it personally. You are not to blame in anyway, he will drink if he wants to drink regardless of anything you have or haven't done. He'd also get sober if he wants to get sober, regardless of you or anyone else.

Well done for breaking free. It is something I may still yet have to do.

SoaringSpirits

Maya, it's a crazy circle, emphasis on the word crazy. The alcoholic will do anything and everything to shift blame away from themselves and onto anything outside them. Notice that at no point does he ever say "I recognize that my drinking has had a huge impact on our marriage."

My AH blames his drinking on everything but himself. "I drink because of your damn horses!" is one of his favorites.

I'm tired of all the quacking. Good for you for getting out of it before you got really locked into life with him with kids and all that.

skarletstarlet

Hey Maya - know what I love?

Hearing "you drove me here, its all your fault I have no friends, no money, no ___________. You don't cook, don't clean, sit on your *** all day at school, sit on your laptop ignoring the kids while at home" (all of this is untrue, I took pictures of the meals I cooked for him one week and put them on facebook to remind him of how bad he had it, I clean while he sits on the computer reading little boy comic books, ignoring the kids my ***)

THEN in the same conversation
"so, could you please come home, its real lonely without you."

Which is it?
Am I a psychotic loser or the love of your life?
Why do you want me back if I am so crazy?

Wisconsin

You are absolutely, positively, not crazy.

When my AH starts in with that line ("you think you are perfect") I now just say that I know there is plenty of blame to go around, and that I would be happy to discuss everything in detail with a marriage counselor. Then I drop it.

But know that it IS NOT YOU. ((HUGS))

skarletstarlet

I have also suggested counselling, to which he replies "we aren't even married" or "I'm not going to go and be judged by someone who doesn't know me" (funnily enough - this is also his excuse for not going to meetings or rehab) I think he is scared of the truth because all of the situations involve the TRUTH coming out. It would absolutely destroy him to find out how delusional, sick, and twisted he is.

((HUGS)) to you!

Wisconsin

That is EXACTLY why my AH won't go to counseling. His favorite thing to say when I suggest it is "you wouldn't like what a marriage counselor would have to say," the implication being that I am so awful, the marriage counselor would immediately demand that my AH file for divorce from my insane self.

Seriously.

But I KNOW he knows. He KNOWS his behavior has been abusive, emotional terrorism. He KNOWS he has lied, shortchanged his son, etc. I no longer need to try to convince him of those things. I know the truth. And deep down, so does he. Sometimes he masks it for himself by getting all worked up about how awful I am. But at the end of the day, when he's laying in bed trying to get to sleep, he has to live with the way he has behaved, the choices he has made, and the fact that he, plain and simple, is not yet ready to give up his addiction.

ichabod

Haha, that's a phrase I will never miss: it must be wonderful to be as perfect as you.

They hear what they want to and deflect as much responsibility as they can get away with. I'm not perfect and I've made plenty of mistakes in our relationship but I will accept no responsibility for his alcoholism.

skarletstarlet

Is his son your son as well? Are you separated?

Wisconsin

Yes, his son is my son as well. No, we are not separated.

skarletstarlet

Would you consider leaving him with your son, allowing him to have visits only when he comes to you?

That is what I'm doing now (I made a post about it in this forum an hour ago). I don't want my daughter referring to beer bottles as "daddy's babas" anymore. I am doing 800x better than I was when I left a week ago. I laugh at him when he tries to lure me back. It gets easier!

Wisconsin

I am neither able nor ready to leave my AH at this point. But I am working on wanting to want to leave.

AntoinetteP

Just to play devil's advocate here, if you are neither able nor ready to leave your AH, does that mean you are ready to live with the emotional abuse and roller coaster life that staying with him will continue to be?

Who does that serve? (him).

Who does that hurt? (you).

Just a thought.

RECF

Ai! A year out I, I still get stuff like this! They can't admit to the destructive force of their addiction!

wanttobehealthy

It is remarkable to read how similar all their emails are. The language is the same in your AH's email to you as ones from my AH were to me. Like you I never said I was perfect but AH was determined to tell me that I thought I was and felt it made sense to remind me that the problem was also me and not just his drinking....

I could post emails that sound as if they were written by your AH but which were written by mine. They aren't real creative. They stick with blame, project, accuse and distort and all of that gains traction ONLY if you reply or defend yourself in any way. Don't give him the satisfaction. Good for you for moving out...

Cyranoak

He's gas lighting. Common alcoholic behavior. It lasts as long as the denial lasts, sometimes longer.

amy79

Sounds exactly like my AH too. Exactly.