Another newbie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 202
Another newbie
Hi all
I started reading here a few weeks ago and am hooked. Had a dramatic evening with AH this evening, so decided I'd start off tonight!
I am with AH 8.5 years, married nearly 5, no kids (both sad and thankful for this). We are both from different parts of the country. 18 months after we met I moved to his neck of the woods. 100% my own choice and was very, very happy for the first year or two. He didn’t move in, said he’d rather wait until we got married – I found out why after we got married of course. We built a house in the country beside his family farm, so am surrounded by ALL my in-laws, ALL of whom have issues with alcohol to varying degrees, so needless to say zero support here.
We pretty much lead separate lives – separate bedrooms for about 80% of our married life, almost zero intimacy in 5 years, I suppose we are a bit like two people living in the same house, but sharing nothing other than mortgage and bills. We have attended no social functions together for over 18 months. I can’t have friends/family from home visit or stay which can be quite lonely, and means I don’t see as much of them as I would like.
For the last few months of last year things escalated at home, AH’s behaviour deteriorated, and my tolerance got worse and worse. I became uncontrollably angry very regularly, and began to worry about the lack of control I was starting to have. I was beginning to have violent thoughts, and came close to acting on them a few times with AH. This was a significant red alert for me, and over Christmas I decided I needed to make changes as it is obvious AH never will. I started Al Anon meetings again (attended for a while a couple of years ago) in January, have started exercising, and am focusing on getting myself into the right physical and mental state to eventually walk out the door one last time.
I am so delighted I found this website – I have not stopped reading it since I discovered it. Like Al Anon meetings, it is so relieving to see so many people experiencing or having experienced what I am going through. I love that people who have never met can care so much about each other, and with each post I read I feel a small change in me.
Sorry for the crazy long post, they won’t all be like this, I promise!
Adventure (as in hope to be starting one soon)
I started reading here a few weeks ago and am hooked. Had a dramatic evening with AH this evening, so decided I'd start off tonight!
I am with AH 8.5 years, married nearly 5, no kids (both sad and thankful for this). We are both from different parts of the country. 18 months after we met I moved to his neck of the woods. 100% my own choice and was very, very happy for the first year or two. He didn’t move in, said he’d rather wait until we got married – I found out why after we got married of course. We built a house in the country beside his family farm, so am surrounded by ALL my in-laws, ALL of whom have issues with alcohol to varying degrees, so needless to say zero support here.
We pretty much lead separate lives – separate bedrooms for about 80% of our married life, almost zero intimacy in 5 years, I suppose we are a bit like two people living in the same house, but sharing nothing other than mortgage and bills. We have attended no social functions together for over 18 months. I can’t have friends/family from home visit or stay which can be quite lonely, and means I don’t see as much of them as I would like.
For the last few months of last year things escalated at home, AH’s behaviour deteriorated, and my tolerance got worse and worse. I became uncontrollably angry very regularly, and began to worry about the lack of control I was starting to have. I was beginning to have violent thoughts, and came close to acting on them a few times with AH. This was a significant red alert for me, and over Christmas I decided I needed to make changes as it is obvious AH never will. I started Al Anon meetings again (attended for a while a couple of years ago) in January, have started exercising, and am focusing on getting myself into the right physical and mental state to eventually walk out the door one last time.
I am so delighted I found this website – I have not stopped reading it since I discovered it. Like Al Anon meetings, it is so relieving to see so many people experiencing or having experienced what I am going through. I love that people who have never met can care so much about each other, and with each post I read I feel a small change in me.
Sorry for the crazy long post, they won’t all be like this, I promise!
Adventure (as in hope to be starting one soon)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Welcome
I am sorry for the reason you are here, but glad like how you found Al-anon that you also found us.
Your story is so similar to mine. About the same time frame also for knowing and living together. I also live 2800 miles away from my immediate family, but in my ex's home town. It continues to be a challenge but one that I am healing from. I am glad you are also.
I am sorry for the reason you are here, but glad like how you found Al-anon that you also found us.
Your story is so similar to mine. About the same time frame also for knowing and living together. I also live 2800 miles away from my immediate family, but in my ex's home town. It continues to be a challenge but one that I am healing from. I am glad you are also.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself to the rest of the family!
Please continue to read, but also vent, rant and post as much as needed. We understand!
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself to the rest of the family!
Please continue to read, but also vent, rant and post as much as needed. We understand!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: England U.K.
Posts: 62
Welcome Adventure,
I ve been here for only a couple of months and like everyone else its been a lifeline, my teacher, my friend!
I have learned everything I know at SR I was so much in denial.
Yes we are from all over the place, that is what is so interesting and unbelieveable, But
I am not that far, Im just across the water in England, Machester, so its nice to welcome a near neighbour!
Nice to meet you
xxx
I ve been here for only a couple of months and like everyone else its been a lifeline, my teacher, my friend!
I have learned everything I know at SR I was so much in denial.
Yes we are from all over the place, that is what is so interesting and unbelieveable, But
I am not that far, Im just across the water in England, Machester, so its nice to welcome a near neighbour!
Nice to meet you
xxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 202
Thanks all for your replies. Between Al Anon and here I am already starting to make decisions I wouldn't have previously made, and am managing to control a lot of my reactions already. I will most definitely be here ranting/venting and hopefully helping eventually too.
Anvilhead you are right in more ways than you could imagine. In every way (edited to add, from the outside!!!) my AH and I have "the perfect life", and people often say how lucky I am. But yes, my house has never been a home, and the things I have that make me so "lucky" are meaningless possessions that I would happily sacrific for peace and serenity and a happier future with AH.
You are right though, Ireland is a beautiful country that we often take for granted. I am fortunate to have moved to one of the loveliest parts too, and I am starting to re-appreciate where I live as part of my recovery.
I look forward to hearing more sharing from everyone, to drawing on your wisdom/experience, and to doing more sharing of my own.
Adventure
Anvilhead you are right in more ways than you could imagine. In every way (edited to add, from the outside!!!) my AH and I have "the perfect life", and people often say how lucky I am. But yes, my house has never been a home, and the things I have that make me so "lucky" are meaningless possessions that I would happily sacrific for peace and serenity and a happier future with AH.
You are right though, Ireland is a beautiful country that we often take for granted. I am fortunate to have moved to one of the loveliest parts too, and I am starting to re-appreciate where I live as part of my recovery.
I look forward to hearing more sharing from everyone, to drawing on your wisdom/experience, and to doing more sharing of my own.
Adventure
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 225
Adventure, it's so good to meet you! I can relate to so much of your post. I moved with my A too, but to another country! I do love living here in spite of the problems of living with him. I get the ¨leading separate lives¨ bit. We have been in separate bedrooms for nine months now. It's been almost a year since we went anywhere together. I have my own friends and interests. He has his alcohol. I also understand the anger. I used to be SO angry all the time with my A. I still am on occasion. But I've learned to have compassion for him instead. He's not drinking to hurt me, I know he is not happy with his life, being a slave to alcohol. On the other hand, he's not seeking any recovery. I wish there were alanon meetings here but sadly, there are not. So I rely on this board, online meetings and alanon literature to help me cope. Thanks for sharing, I hope you will keep coming back. You're not alone, and we care.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Austin, Tx
Posts: 43
QUOTE=Adventure;3316724]
I am so delighted I found this website – I have not stopped reading it since I discovered it. Like Al Anon meetings, it is so relieving to see so many people experiencing or having experienced what I am going through. I love that people who have never met can care so much about each other, and with each post I read I feel a small change in me.[/QUOTE]
Adventure,
Welcome. Like you I a new here too. It is very liberating to see there are others out there who have shared the same difficulties of living with an active A. I gain some glimmer of hope as I see people that are at peace with themselves and the world working this program. We all have isolated lives and am very greatful to find a forum here and groups such as al anon where we are not alone.
I am so delighted I found this website – I have not stopped reading it since I discovered it. Like Al Anon meetings, it is so relieving to see so many people experiencing or having experienced what I am going through. I love that people who have never met can care so much about each other, and with each post I read I feel a small change in me.[/QUOTE]
Adventure,
Welcome. Like you I a new here too. It is very liberating to see there are others out there who have shared the same difficulties of living with an active A. I gain some glimmer of hope as I see people that are at peace with themselves and the world working this program. We all have isolated lives and am very greatful to find a forum here and groups such as al anon where we are not alone.
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