Cyranoak

He is not spiritually fit. Good God, this does not, in any way, shape, or form, pass the smell test. Plus, the intimacy of the sponsor/sponsee relationship is intense-- it's a recipe for disaster when you put a young woman addict who very likely has daddy issues with a middle-aged man addict.

I can't believe how twisted this is isn't obvious to everybody.

choublak

The point of a sponsor is so you have a mentor, not a savior-turned-lover...

And, he has to help himself, she has to help herself.

Apparently, they met in rehab and decided to mutually sponsor each other when they got out?

tjp613

.....or perhaps it is obvious but we choose to support the OP in a gentle way rather than making assumptions (stated as facts) that are not ours to make.

Terminally Unique

Kiki, you've saved me so many words.

Ela,

I'm not usually one to give relationship advice, but what you describe sounds a little suspicious in my book. You should be aware that more than one addictoid has played the "hands off my recovery or I might relapse" card, but pay no attention to that. As Kiki so elegantly put it, family comes first, and a young girl with nothing to lose and an addiction to feed might readily destroy yours in order to maintain the status quo.

Tuffgirl

I've been following this thread and refrained from posting so far because of what Cyranoak, Kiki, and TU say. This is a big threat to your marriage, any marriage. And if it was my husband, I'd be FURIOUS! it would be a relationship-ender for me.

This sounds like a story told by an Al-Anon speaker recently, only he was the rescuer of an alcoholic and she was his mistress. He came up with all kinds of excuses to his wife as to why he had to "help" this woman. I can only imagine how his wife felt when she found out the real motivations underneath.

I pray your husband doesn't have the same intentions here, and that he will, in fact, cut off this unhealthy interaction immediately and send this woman somewhere else to be rescued.

Prayers for strength to you, Ela.
~T

ela

Hi everyone, he told me that he cut contact with her, but she contacted him this morning, so she does not understand my feelings that this has to end as far as I can tell she is using every excuse in the book and does not care what happens to me or my husband. So it was time for me to lay it on the line. Stop this BS I dont understand Iam stressed when your stressed you dont trust me. I said I trust you I know your intentions are good I DO NOT TRUST HER JUST BY HER ATTITUDE IF IT WERE HUSBAND IAM SURE THINGS WOULD BE DIFFERENT. So this is it no more. He will tell her again. Might have to change our home ####

choublak

Cutting contact usually takes more than simply asking the person to not contact you. Blocking their number, for example. And, your husband might try to play the "I told her not to contact me but she did anyway so it's not my fault we've continued contact" card. Watch out.

kiki5711

Just both of you tell her to back off and stop calling. She doesn't have the right to make you feel guilty for it. Just because you don't want to be her "emotional" dumping ground, it's NOT wrong to tell her to her face directly that this is not healthy for either of you.

If she doesn't accept this reasoning, then you very well know that it wasn't about helping in the first place.

kiki5711

sorry double post

akrasia

Yeah, there's something disingenuous about his saying, "Yeah, you're right, it's inappropriate, I'll stop," and then the next day he's like, "Oh no, she's still contacting me! What do I do?"

Whether or not there's something romantic going on, whether or not she's got "designs" on him--immaterial. It's inappropriate for a married guy to be so emotionally intimate with a young woman. That's not what people do when they're married. You've every right to how you feel.

Unfortunately all you can do is tell him how you feel. What he does from there is up to him.

Cyranoak

...I am supporting the OP, just not in your way, and I don't think this particular assumption is a reach at all--it's blatantly obvious what's going on here. Lastly, I'm not stating it as a fact, I'm stating it as so clear that to assume it isn't a fact would patently be denial.

If we know nothing about Alcoholics we know this-- if we are going to trust, then we damn well better verify. And, what we think we are seeing we really are seeing.

With respect,

Cyranoak

Florence

Yep. Sometimes you have to stop questioning yourself and your perceptions and wondering if you're right, and accept that what you see you see. Verify, but stop fretting about what ifs. You have the right to say no and mean no.

Justfor1

The fact is the men & women can each help one another. It's good for a man to get a womens input on recovery things and vica versa. We don't have all the facts. It does seem like your husband is practicing the program of helping another addict.

choublak

Out of all the addicts he could've picked to help, he picks her? Something's not right...

ela

Hi everyone,
Its not easy for us all in recovery the addict the family. My husband has made a decision to support us and our relationship, at first I thought of it as an ultimatum but ultimately we make the decision by ourselves because no one can make us do something we are our own decision makers and take responsibilty for that decision.
Thx for listening

m1k3

2 things here.

1. Relationships are built on trust. Do you trust your RA? Has in lied in the past about say, his drug use? Do you trust his judgement considering his past history with drugs and the fact that he is hanging out with an active drug user? To me no trust, no relationship.

2. The second is as a martial artist I was taught when your gut is telling you something isn't right believe it. You don't need proof to know something isn't right.

Just my 2 cents.

Your friend,

ela

No he did not, we both discussed the situation and he made the decision to break ties with her in the best interest of all involved.

m1k3

Ela, the bolded portions of this post just jumped out at me. I thought the same way for many, many years. It was never me and I, it was always us and we. I didn't start to get better until I could think of me as a person with needs and rights and choices. It was a hard lesson to learn.

You are allowed to make your own decisions based on your own self interest. The only way to attain freedom is to set yourself free. If you are waiting on someone else to free you you will wait forever.



Your friend,

fourmaggie

I am curious...where is HIS SPONSOR in all of this?...does his sponsor know? because he should be, and if he does, he is not a very good one....

now you? are you in AL ANON?

Magichappens

Ela,
I hope it all works out for you! 31 years is a lot to give up. You have done all you can by talking to him and letting him know that there is a problem. The ball is in his court. I hope he makes the right decision. Hugs, Magic