AntoinetteP

One thing has always held true, as my ABrother has cycled through relationships, I am always his sister. I would have had a crush on him myself, because he's one of those magnetic and magical souls. The girlfriends/wives come and go, but I have always been a constant, until my mother died.

I always thought I'd lose it when she died, but I was so prepared that I was just fine (well, within the norm). My brother is the one who lost it. Mom was his greatest enabler and all the sudden his savior is gone (two years ago, come May). He went off the deep end. He was an alcoholic before, now he's a wet brained alcoholic with paranoid delusions.

But I miss him so. I've done all the 'right things', drew my bottom line and stuck to it. He still thinks my other brother and I are out to get him, totally not true but as I said, he's paranoid. He held up the settlement of my mom's estate (because she made all three of us executors) but that part is over.

He sold his building in Seattle and is settling over on the other side of the mountains, much closer to me. My nephew is on his way up to help him move. AB still communicates with my nephew and my alcoholic father and his boyfriend. I only get news second hand.

I don't even know why I'm writing this, it's just a progress report but also a wish. Other folks seem to think that since the ugly part of settling my mom's estate is over, maybe he'll start communicating again. I would love to believe the same thing, but I sincerely doubt it. AB and I were extremely close.

Since our relationship is blood and not marriage, I keep hoping he'll come back to me but in my heart, I feel the next time I hear of him it will be one of those "I'm sorry to inform you..." calls.

So how do you handle it when the A is your brother, was your brother from day one and will still be your brother when both of you are dead? I've more or less handled it as best I can. But how do you handle the knowledge that your heart will be broken in that final way? I love and adore him so much, and we were both such a support to each other that it's very difficult to have already let go of that.

We tried a formal intervention in 1994 and he walked out. It took a long time for him to trust me again but it did happen. There was talk of an intervention last spring, but no one wants to commit to it. Well hey, my dad is an alcoholic too so he wouldn't participate, although he has mentioned to AB that he's definitely in trouble and dad will help him find rehab. I would too, if he so chooses.

I don't know what I'm asking, but I can't just walk away because we are tied by blood. It may appear I've walked away but the inverse is true, it's the brother who has walked away. I've sent him letters, emails, phone messages asking to see him again and I get no response. It's so hard.

I just miss him so much.

Willybluedog

You don't have to stop loving him and he does not have to stop being your brother, but boundaries are necessary for your own sanity.

What have you done towards your own recovery, if you work on you then dealing with him will become easier.

I love and hate my mom, she has been an alcoholic for almost my whole 50 years, I am working on what my therapist calls limited detachment.

I had to back off far enough to maintain my own sanity, while not permanantly severing relationships because of collateral damage (my father, my sister, my aunts, etc.).

It is by no means ideal, but it is functional and it has helped me tremendously.

Best of luck to you,

Bill

AntoinetteP

I have worked my butt off, literally. During the worst of the firestorm he threatened to kill me. My dad made him call and apologize (keep in mind, we are in our mid/late 50s) and that was the last time we spoke. I threw myself into hard labor, landscaping a little hunk of irrigation creek that had some downed trees from a tough winter. I got in great shape and also lost 40 pounds.

I also worked hard on detachment, well I more or less had to since he wouldn't answer my calls or anything. I focused on the landscaping and also on a new house we were having built. I went back to my shrink for a bit and he said I was doing the best I could, under the circumstances. I also threw myself into an improv group of which I am a member. It was a very intense summer.

He broke into my house over the summer, which freaked me out since he'd threatened me before. Now we lock the doors (small town, never really had to before).

I love him so much and miss him too. I feel as though, if we had contact, maybe I could get him into rehab but it's never worked before.

Heck, thanks for listening. I want my brother back but I don't think it's going to happen.

LucyA

I can relate to what you are saying. I think it is different when it's a brother or sister, most of the people who post on here are spouses or partners and a lot of what applies to them doesn't apply at all to us, and vice versa. Doesn't mean any of it it less valid than the other though, it's just very different.
But, you still need to keep yourself the priority, all the good advice from here still applies, even down to the no contact in some situations, although that's possibly difficult with some family situations!
Even though he's your brother there's nothing you can do for him if he doesn't want you to do it, except give him the dignity of making his own choices, however hard that it for you.

SoberMan2012

your brother is on my prayer list