Help me stay strong
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: London
Posts: 42
Help me stay strong
AH is really pushing my emotional buttons.
Having decided to divorce AH I have mostly been absolutely fine. No tears. I've had a few moments of feeling a bit down, probably due to wishful thinking on my part, but generally I've been quite excited and happy. What I have come to realise is that I really like my life when AH is not in it. Sad but true.
But, as AH and I are still living together, every now and then he really gets to me, in the sense that my emotions end up all over the place and I begin to wonder if it wouldn't just be easier to stay put and I am being a terrible person and I must help him in his recovery as he is currently not drinking when at home.
Tonight we had to discuss how to tell the children about our divorce, which we are doing tomorrow. AH did his usual bulldozing and did all the talking and I could hardly get a word in edgeways. Luckily I agreed with most of what he said. However, the things that really got to me were:
He doesn't want the divorce and will not lie to the kids about this (so we have agreed to say we are having "adult problems")
"This is so wrong ... I can't believe this is going to happen"
His tears and then general inability to move or speak further
Him saying that he loves me
I just walked away quickly and shut the door but I feel horrible inside. I think my inner rescuer is desperate to get out! I feel stuck in limbo. I can't say I love him but I can't say I don't love him either. I think he has been such a big part of my life it is really hard to extricate myself. To be honest it hurts and I am not very good at dealing with it. I just want to make everything better and all go away.
Having decided to divorce AH I have mostly been absolutely fine. No tears. I've had a few moments of feeling a bit down, probably due to wishful thinking on my part, but generally I've been quite excited and happy. What I have come to realise is that I really like my life when AH is not in it. Sad but true.
But, as AH and I are still living together, every now and then he really gets to me, in the sense that my emotions end up all over the place and I begin to wonder if it wouldn't just be easier to stay put and I am being a terrible person and I must help him in his recovery as he is currently not drinking when at home.
Tonight we had to discuss how to tell the children about our divorce, which we are doing tomorrow. AH did his usual bulldozing and did all the talking and I could hardly get a word in edgeways. Luckily I agreed with most of what he said. However, the things that really got to me were:
He doesn't want the divorce and will not lie to the kids about this (so we have agreed to say we are having "adult problems")
"This is so wrong ... I can't believe this is going to happen"
His tears and then general inability to move or speak further
Him saying that he loves me
I just walked away quickly and shut the door but I feel horrible inside. I think my inner rescuer is desperate to get out! I feel stuck in limbo. I can't say I love him but I can't say I don't love him either. I think he has been such a big part of my life it is really hard to extricate myself. To be honest it hurts and I am not very good at dealing with it. I just want to make everything better and all go away.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: London
Posts: 42
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
..you continue to focus on what is best for YOU, which also might be for the first time??
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 94
I can totally relate. I just started posting yesterday as I've started the process of leaving my AH. I'm moving out on Monday - everything is all set. Like you I'm sure, I've given him a million chances to turn things around and spent years threatening to leave and never doing it. I made it pretty clear a couple of weeks ago that this was his last chance - begged him to go to a rehab program, get a sponsor, etc... as trying to do this on his own was not working. Now I have to keep that decision. Similar to your's, my AH will say things like "I don't even know how we got here" (REALLY?!), wants to fix this etc... yet in the same sentence is telling me how I'm too emotional, controlling, etc... Just today (as I was signing lease papers for my new place), he told me that he just wished we could go out to Malibu/Santa Barbara together for a few days and just relax... but that he knew we were not the happy picture perfect couple he was picturing in his head and that we will probably never be, etc... It just INFURIATES me that he does not get WHY we are not that couple. What I'm trying to say is that IF in your heart you think the time is right... for me, I just KNOW I will be sitting here in either 6 days, 6 weeks, or 6 months wishing I had left this time and that tells me the answer, even though it is killing me and so hard. Good luck - only you know when it is time.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi whatamess-
it is unfortunate that you are still living with him, because if you had some clear space, things would be brilliantly clear to you.
please don't buy into the he needs you to help him with his recovery. and i use the term recovery loosely because not drinking in the house is not recovery.
i hope it goes well speaking with the children. if it was me, i would answer their questions honestly, even if that means overstepping the forced agreement your husband is trying to hold you too.
why shouldn't you be able to speak plainly and honestly to your children as you their mother feels is appropriate? don't let him take that away from you, he doesn't have the right. he only has it if you hand your power over to him.
good luck and let us know how it goes, please.
naive
it is unfortunate that you are still living with him, because if you had some clear space, things would be brilliantly clear to you.
please don't buy into the he needs you to help him with his recovery. and i use the term recovery loosely because not drinking in the house is not recovery.
i hope it goes well speaking with the children. if it was me, i would answer their questions honestly, even if that means overstepping the forced agreement your husband is trying to hold you too.
why shouldn't you be able to speak plainly and honestly to your children as you their mother feels is appropriate? don't let him take that away from you, he doesn't have the right. he only has it if you hand your power over to him.
good luck and let us know how it goes, please.
naive
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 222
What a mess - I fel your pain. I made AH move out before christmas and we have 2 boys, so I understand the difficulties you face.
I thought LONG and HARD for a LONG time before reaching the decision for us to seperate and before I would have just continued the way we were because I loved him. I came to realise that I love myself and my children too and we deserved better.
Sure its hard....sure its hurts....and I feel guilty everyday..... but it will get easier. Hang in there - you are worth it
I thought LONG and HARD for a LONG time before reaching the decision for us to seperate and before I would have just continued the way we were because I loved him. I came to realise that I love myself and my children too and we deserved better.
Sure its hard....sure its hurts....and I feel guilty everyday..... but it will get easier. Hang in there - you are worth it
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Alcoholics are completely selfish and self-centered and when he cries, it is SELF-pity.
When he wants nothing to change, it is SELF-interest.
He is in active addiction and he cannot and will not be a mature and loving partner to you.
Continue to face that reality, as you have been doing, and whenever you are confused about making a choice,ask yourself, "Is this good for me?"
Your children's father is an alcoholic. Nothing will change that reality for them.
Some sessions for them and you (not the AH along) with a family counselor may be of tremendous help.
Wishing you all the best as you deal with what is.
When he wants nothing to change, it is SELF-interest.
He is in active addiction and he cannot and will not be a mature and loving partner to you.
Continue to face that reality, as you have been doing, and whenever you are confused about making a choice,ask yourself, "Is this good for me?"
Your children's father is an alcoholic. Nothing will change that reality for them.
Some sessions for them and you (not the AH along) with a family counselor may be of tremendous help.
Wishing you all the best as you deal with what is.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((whatamess))) - I learned that I just don't deal with change very well...even when I know it's something I need to do, that it's better for me? I feel like I am swallowed up in fear and can't move. I tend to "embrace" change by kicking and screaming all the way, digging in with my fingernails to what is "comfortable" even though it's no longer working. ((Anvil)) calls it my "uncomfortable comfort zone".
I must admit, however, that I have made changes and once I got past all the fear I'd associated it with, I was very relieved. No, it didn't make anyone else change (I live in a house with a stepmom A, ACOA, codie, etc., a codie/enabler dad who can go into victim mode in a heartbeat, and occasionally my niece, who I call the brat, and is at least 4th generation ACOA, codie and has teetered on the addiction side at the age of 18).
They have never liked my boundaries, totally get angry when I say "I've said what I have to say, I'm not discussing this any more" or I detach and stay in my room.
I still doubt myself, at times, but coming to SR usually gets me re-grounded and back to doing what is best for me.
I didn't mean to make this all about me, I just completely understand the mixed feelings that come when we start taking care of us. I also think that once you aren't living in the same house, you'll see things a little clearer. It's draining when they keep on, and on, and on as if they have no clue whey we're doing what we're doing.
I always like ((Laurie's)) recommendation of picturing a big white duck when they start this and making my mind hear "quack, quack, quack" when they're talking nonsense. I've also used another saying I learned here.."I can't hear what you're saying because your actions are so much louder!"
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I must admit, however, that I have made changes and once I got past all the fear I'd associated it with, I was very relieved. No, it didn't make anyone else change (I live in a house with a stepmom A, ACOA, codie, etc., a codie/enabler dad who can go into victim mode in a heartbeat, and occasionally my niece, who I call the brat, and is at least 4th generation ACOA, codie and has teetered on the addiction side at the age of 18).
They have never liked my boundaries, totally get angry when I say "I've said what I have to say, I'm not discussing this any more" or I detach and stay in my room.
I still doubt myself, at times, but coming to SR usually gets me re-grounded and back to doing what is best for me.
I didn't mean to make this all about me, I just completely understand the mixed feelings that come when we start taking care of us. I also think that once you aren't living in the same house, you'll see things a little clearer. It's draining when they keep on, and on, and on as if they have no clue whey we're doing what we're doing.
I always like ((Laurie's)) recommendation of picturing a big white duck when they start this and making my mind hear "quack, quack, quack" when they're talking nonsense. I've also used another saying I learned here.."I can't hear what you're saying because your actions are so much louder!"
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
If it helps, you can play a Jedi mind trick with yourself and say, "Hey, I'll move forward with this, live separately, divorce, and on the one-year anniversary of us actually living apart, I'll re-assess."
If he's turned it all around and has been sober and normal for that year (and you'll know) then great! You can always get married to each other again if that's what you both want. Stranger things have happened.
Or you might find that living apart from The Crazy has helped you regain some perspective and peace of mind about the whole thing, and you'll be happy to continue without him.
If he's turned it all around and has been sober and normal for that year (and you'll know) then great! You can always get married to each other again if that's what you both want. Stranger things have happened.
Or you might find that living apart from The Crazy has helped you regain some perspective and peace of mind about the whole thing, and you'll be happy to continue without him.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Cottonwood AZ
Posts: 1
I had to leave my crazy husband after 29 years. One day, I simply said to him "You have to let me go." Then I went to the library, got the form, filled it out and gave it to him to sign. I took it to the Court House and filed it; paid maybe $50 and in 2 wks. I got the letter from the court. Kids were grown, though.
Boy, did I feel peaceful being free, living by myself; not having a sick feeling in my stomach about what I would find when I got home. We went for counseling; his idea. I was pretty infuriated when the counselor asked how things were going, and he answered "I'm a contented cow."
You take care of YOU. He's an adult. You can't make him do anything.
sorry, I lied about my petition; I can't post it for you yet. I need to post 8 more replies.
Mine was drinking but that wasn't his real addiction. He was a cross dresser and preferred to be by himself rather than together.
I wanted to go and live on a hill by the ocean and live alone...reading books by the fireplace, and maybe write a book or some poetry. I was done with men forever.
I remember the first time I walked into the house and he was wearing my red heels and some pantyhose. I ran back out of the house into the field and sat down on a rock and cried.
Another day I came home and he was dancing in his underwear with several of my bras hanging through a belt around his waist. That was when he sat down on the floor and fake-cried and said he would go to a "shrink". I said I would go too.
We did go for awhile, once together, and then we started individual sessions. The psych said "Your husband is a very complex person."
One day I went to see the psych again and he said "were you aware that your husband is no longer coming to therapy?"
I said, "Really? He leaves the house and says he is going." That was when I knew I'd had it. I had given it a good try; read a book called "My Husband Wears My Clothes," and told myself that I could handle this; he was still the same man I married. But at that point I realized that our marriage had deteriorated into a big huge lie and was spinning into a black hole.
Boy, did I feel peaceful being free, living by myself; not having a sick feeling in my stomach about what I would find when I got home. We went for counseling; his idea. I was pretty infuriated when the counselor asked how things were going, and he answered "I'm a contented cow."
You take care of YOU. He's an adult. You can't make him do anything.
sorry, I lied about my petition; I can't post it for you yet. I need to post 8 more replies.
Mine was drinking but that wasn't his real addiction. He was a cross dresser and preferred to be by himself rather than together.
I wanted to go and live on a hill by the ocean and live alone...reading books by the fireplace, and maybe write a book or some poetry. I was done with men forever.
I remember the first time I walked into the house and he was wearing my red heels and some pantyhose. I ran back out of the house into the field and sat down on a rock and cried.
Another day I came home and he was dancing in his underwear with several of my bras hanging through a belt around his waist. That was when he sat down on the floor and fake-cried and said he would go to a "shrink". I said I would go too.
We did go for awhile, once together, and then we started individual sessions. The psych said "Your husband is a very complex person."
One day I went to see the psych again and he said "were you aware that your husband is no longer coming to therapy?"
I said, "Really? He leaves the house and says he is going." That was when I knew I'd had it. I had given it a good try; read a book called "My Husband Wears My Clothes," and told myself that I could handle this; he was still the same man I married. But at that point I realized that our marriage had deteriorated into a big huge lie and was spinning into a black hole.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: London
Posts: 42
We told the kids tonight. It was heartbreaking. They are so upset and don't understand.
Today he put a new bottle of whisky in the larder so I know I am doing the right thing. But, this hurts like hell.
Thanks for your words of support.
Today he put a new bottle of whisky in the larder so I know I am doing the right thing. But, this hurts like hell.
Thanks for your words of support.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I'm so sorry, WhataMess, about your children's distress and the pain you must be in to see them so upset. It is a very devastating time for you all. Surely the situation with your AH had to have become just unbearable that you feel you have no choice but to divorce even though you want so much to have a normal, happy, healthy family.
Please remember it is not your fault your children's father is an alcoholic. You did not cause his alcoholism and you are unable to cure it. Alcoholism is why your children must endure the pain they are feeling, and why you have decided to divorce.
If you could cure your husband, you would. I know you would have moved mountains by now to keep your family together and happy. Of course you would have. It is not your fault, what has happened to your family.
Facing the problems alcoholism brings into a home is enormously challenging and so deeply painful. You have done the very best you can and I'm sure will continue to do so.
Life will get better, it will, with recovery on your part and some professional help for your children. In fact, families are so often graced with blessings unforeseen, when recovery happens. Communication opens up, there is a new kind of bonding and a healthy honesty which can happen for a family in recovery.
Families of alcoholism always suffer, but in recovery many many families of alcoholism get better. They grow. They even often blossom.
Today it is hard for you to believe that. But I promise you that with recovery, it happens all the time. And it can be your story, too. Your life and your children's lives have many more chapters and there will be happiness in your family's life again.
Please remember it is not your fault your children's father is an alcoholic. You did not cause his alcoholism and you are unable to cure it. Alcoholism is why your children must endure the pain they are feeling, and why you have decided to divorce.
If you could cure your husband, you would. I know you would have moved mountains by now to keep your family together and happy. Of course you would have. It is not your fault, what has happened to your family.
Facing the problems alcoholism brings into a home is enormously challenging and so deeply painful. You have done the very best you can and I'm sure will continue to do so.
Life will get better, it will, with recovery on your part and some professional help for your children. In fact, families are so often graced with blessings unforeseen, when recovery happens. Communication opens up, there is a new kind of bonding and a healthy honesty which can happen for a family in recovery.
Families of alcoholism always suffer, but in recovery many many families of alcoholism get better. They grow. They even often blossom.
Today it is hard for you to believe that. But I promise you that with recovery, it happens all the time. And it can be your story, too. Your life and your children's lives have many more chapters and there will be happiness in your family's life again.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Originally Posted by whatamess
We told the kids tonight. It was heartbreaking. They are so upset and don't understand.
Today he put a new bottle of whisky in the larder so I know I am doing the right thing. But, this hurts like hell.
Thanks for your words of support.
Today he put a new bottle of whisky in the larder so I know I am doing the right thing. But, this hurts like hell.
Thanks for your words of support.
Hugs.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
just keep doing the next right thing, whatamess.
my alarm bells are sounding with the bottle of whiskey in the house. remember your emergency exit plan? i hope that bag is still packed. you might be dealing with a very angry drunk soon.
stay alert! do not be sucked into relationship conversations if he is drinking! you can always respond "i'm sorry you feel that way" or "ok, i'll think about that" and bail from the conversation.
gee, i just wish he would go back to his parents. it's cruel of him to stay there.
naive
my alarm bells are sounding with the bottle of whiskey in the house. remember your emergency exit plan? i hope that bag is still packed. you might be dealing with a very angry drunk soon.
stay alert! do not be sucked into relationship conversations if he is drinking! you can always respond "i'm sorry you feel that way" or "ok, i'll think about that" and bail from the conversation.
gee, i just wish he would go back to his parents. it's cruel of him to stay there.
naive
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by whatamess
Today he put a new bottle of whisky in the larder ......
One foot in front of the other, my dear. One hour at a time if need be. That's how it's done.
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