Breaking up with boyfriend of 6 years, he chose drinking over our relationship
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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Breaking up with boyfriend of 6 years, he chose drinking over our relationship
Hi everyone, I am new to SR and forums, but I googled my heartbreak, and someone's post showed up that sounded like I had written it. I have been living with someone for 5 years, together 6 years, who just can't stop/slow down his drinking. We met at a bar (I was a bartender), drank together for a couple years, and then I grew very sick of the drinking and bar scene. I wanted more, although now I finally realize he does not, and is very comfortable being drunk and laughing with his friends at the bar. I have threatened to leave so many times, told him to leave, we broke off our engagement, and eventually broke up for a few weeks last year. We got back together, he promised to change his ways, and then slipped right back into his old ways. I couldn't imagine marrying this man and sitting home with a baby while he is out spending all his money on alcohol, drinking, telling me he is on his last beer and then not coming home for hours, drunk/under the influence. I love him so much, it hurts so bad that this is ending after 6 years. I brought him to my therapist, to see if anything could be worked out, but he really did say he was not willing to change his lifestyle, and that he feels I am making a bigger deal out of it than it is. I feel he thinks it is not a big deal because he gets up and goes to work most days (although has been fired from jobs years ago becasue he would not show due to being hungover). So many mornings not that long ago, we would fight because he was not getting up to go to work, I feel like I have been his mother. I absolutely despise the controlling and monitoring crazy person that I have been for so many years. Driving by the bar to see if his car is there, fighting with him to come home from the bar, eating dinner/going to bed alone, crying, texting incessently. He tells me I "drive him to drink," so I said "fine, if I'm gone, you will stop drinking"? He didn't have an answer to that. Please give me strength to follow through with moving out and changing my co-dependent ways!!!!!!!
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 94
I just posted a VERY similar post earlier tonight, my first one as well... the only real difference is that I MARRIED him. Everyone told me that he wasn't going to change, etc... but he tricked me long enough (we also broke off our engagement once) to think he was cleaned up for months.... then RIGHT AFTER the wedding it spun out of control again. We have been married 9 months and it is so much worse than I could have ever imagined. I wish more than anything I hadn't married him... please learn from my mistake. I hear the same stuff you do - my fault, stress, etc... everything is my fault. I'm controlling, demanding, judgmental, etc.... all of it. Please feel free to message me... I'm trying to throw myself into this forum as well as I'm moving out in a few days and sad/terrified/etc 
Just know you are not alone. And trust me... it won't stop. Mine said the same thing... so in just the week we have been separated (he is in a hotel until I move out of our house), he has been on a huge bender - missing work meetings, driving around LA drunk because he no longer has any friends, and calling hookers from his hotel. TRUST ME, I never thought it would get this bad... it's like a bad nightmare... Please get away from him before you get married, or worse yet, have kids. Like all of them, he is always sorry, promises to change, etc... it was really his constant lying that drove me to this point. MY mental health was starting to suffer and I finally realized I could either fall down the hole with him or try to crawl back out as I was near the point of no return....
Just know you are not alone. And trust me... it won't stop. Mine said the same thing... so in just the week we have been separated (he is in a hotel until I move out of our house), he has been on a huge bender - missing work meetings, driving around LA drunk because he no longer has any friends, and calling hookers from his hotel. TRUST ME, I never thought it would get this bad... it's like a bad nightmare... Please get away from him before you get married, or worse yet, have kids. Like all of them, he is always sorry, promises to change, etc... it was really his constant lying that drove me to this point. MY mental health was starting to suffer and I finally realized I could either fall down the hole with him or try to crawl back out as I was near the point of no return....
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Welcome to you both
I am sorry for the reason that you are both here, but glad that you found SR.
More will be along soon to share their experience, strength and hope.
I did a lot of reading about the disease of alcoholism and codependency, started Al-anon and worked really, really hard about being gentle with myself.
Keep posting, keep reading, and keep growing.
I am sorry for the reason that you are both here, but glad that you found SR.
More will be along soon to share their experience, strength and hope.
I did a lot of reading about the disease of alcoholism and codependency, started Al-anon and worked really, really hard about being gentle with myself.
Keep posting, keep reading, and keep growing.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
SR Friends,
It gets so much better. I never thought I would recover from this experience but I have. Breaking up with an XABF has been one of the best decisions I have made. 3 years out he is the same guy drinking in a bar, feeling he is a little God.
Meanwhile my life is richer with true friends that care about me and with people who are striving to improve our world. These days it is all about me, my dreams and the activities I enjoy, my music, my hobbies, my family...
Leaving was the first sign I started to gain a sense of self worth. I was no longer willing to be someone else´s shadow/enabler/doormat/emotional punching bag. It was a huge milestone in my personal progress.
I have often thought about revenge, but I realize being who he is is bad enough. And that its not my business, God-HP-whatever will take care of him when his time comes, he will have to answer to the Almighty.
At this point I am grateful I got out alive because many times he drove drunk. I can´t believe I had such little regard for my own life. But now I do and it tastes very sweet.
maya, you have gone through the worst already, when I left I was scared as well but solving practical matters was a breeze, I was able to sleep relaxed again, and even when the first weeks were difficult, I started gaining more clarity and realized the one stage of my life I have been the loneliest, saddest and helpless were the times I lived with XABF.
Keep reading and posting, keep reaching out, don't isolate as you are not alone, many of us have gone through this and now lead peaceful fulfilling lives! an end is also a beginning.
Hugs from your friend
Sandra
It gets so much better. I never thought I would recover from this experience but I have. Breaking up with an XABF has been one of the best decisions I have made. 3 years out he is the same guy drinking in a bar, feeling he is a little God.
Meanwhile my life is richer with true friends that care about me and with people who are striving to improve our world. These days it is all about me, my dreams and the activities I enjoy, my music, my hobbies, my family...
Leaving was the first sign I started to gain a sense of self worth. I was no longer willing to be someone else´s shadow/enabler/doormat/emotional punching bag. It was a huge milestone in my personal progress.
I have often thought about revenge, but I realize being who he is is bad enough. And that its not my business, God-HP-whatever will take care of him when his time comes, he will have to answer to the Almighty.
At this point I am grateful I got out alive because many times he drove drunk. I can´t believe I had such little regard for my own life. But now I do and it tastes very sweet.
maya, you have gone through the worst already, when I left I was scared as well but solving practical matters was a breeze, I was able to sleep relaxed again, and even when the first weeks were difficult, I started gaining more clarity and realized the one stage of my life I have been the loneliest, saddest and helpless were the times I lived with XABF.
Keep reading and posting, keep reaching out, don't isolate as you are not alone, many of us have gone through this and now lead peaceful fulfilling lives! an end is also a beginning.
Hugs from your friend
Sandra
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 47
Thank you guys for your responses. I can't believe so many of us are out there! I need to stay strong to leave, it is amazing how my heart is trying to trick me to stay. Last night I called a real estate office to see an apartment, then I started thinking "I just had the technician come in and install our tv/internet, I wonder if they are going to charge to come to my new place"? Then my mind starts thinking of all the reasons I could stay and live with this mess. Like "maybe he will slow down his drinking enough for me to be happy and off his back." Of course this has been the issue for so many years-he CAN'T slow down. He can't have a couple happy hour beers and come home for dinner, he has to stay until he is drunk. Luckily the bar he goes to is right down the street, so he does not drive drunk, although he did the other night because he went to the bar right after work and I would not drive his car home (trying not to be co-dependent).
I am so thankful for this forum, although it saddens me that so many good men lose everything because of a stupid drink. It is so hard to wrap my mind around. I remember readin a post in which someone said "if he asked me to give up anything for him and this relationship, I would." I feel the same way, and have already given up a lot because of stupid alcohol. We don't go anywhere to have fun that does not have alcohol readily available/overdrinking accepted. I didn't realize that until I was wondering why he was so moody during those times. All of a sudden (with the help of my therapist), I realize he does not have his crutch, and he is making sure I don't ever bring him back to a place he does not feel comfortable/have alcohol.
Again, thank you guys for posts/support!
I am so thankful for this forum, although it saddens me that so many good men lose everything because of a stupid drink. It is so hard to wrap my mind around. I remember readin a post in which someone said "if he asked me to give up anything for him and this relationship, I would." I feel the same way, and have already given up a lot because of stupid alcohol. We don't go anywhere to have fun that does not have alcohol readily available/overdrinking accepted. I didn't realize that until I was wondering why he was so moody during those times. All of a sudden (with the help of my therapist), I realize he does not have his crutch, and he is making sure I don't ever bring him back to a place he does not feel comfortable/have alcohol.
Again, thank you guys for posts/support!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Just remember you did not get into the situation overnight and you won't get out of it overnight. I think it is pretty common to have mixed feelings. For my the ending of this relationship has been a lesson in the grief cycle.
One of the biggest lessons I have learned is that I need to just keeping putting one foot in front of the other, and that if I heap guilt upon myself for what I am doing/not doing I just make it worse for myself....and this is hard enough.
One of the biggest lessons I have learned is that I need to just keeping putting one foot in front of the other, and that if I heap guilt upon myself for what I am doing/not doing I just make it worse for myself....and this is hard enough.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 94
Jennifer - please stay strong and help me to do the same. We are in a very similar situation... We just moved into a beautiful house less than six months ago, and now I'm having to call DirecTv and cancel our service (and incur a $400 cancellation fee, etc), cancel our Arrowhead water service that I just ordered because I dont' want to move it as can't lift the jug myself, etc... stupid little things like that are SO HARD. I don't know about you, but the ONE thing that keeps me strong (other than my friends and family) is thinking back to times in the past - like when we called our engagement off two years ago - and I ALMOST left. I would do anything to go back to that moment and actually DO IT. I would be so much happier right now and not in this even deeper situation had I done that. I just keep telling myself I will NOT allow myself to be here 6 months from now wishing that I had left in March 2012. As if I really want to be honest with myself, I know I would be. Trust me, I am not as strong as I likely sound but I think helping you and typing this out, gives me strength as well. XOXO
The other thing I think about is (I'm 32, not sure how old you are) is that while i don't think I want children, I want THE OPTION to make that decision with someone, and I'm not getting any younger. With my AH, I do not have that option... He can't even take care of himself, let alone me, and I feel like I already have a teenage son that I'm constantly trying to keep out of jail.
The other thing I think about is (I'm 32, not sure how old you are) is that while i don't think I want children, I want THE OPTION to make that decision with someone, and I'm not getting any younger. With my AH, I do not have that option... He can't even take care of himself, let alone me, and I feel like I already have a teenage son that I'm constantly trying to keep out of jail.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome, Jennifer. So sorry for the situation that lead you here, but glad you found SR!
Your post reminds me of the reason I hate this disease.
But on the other hand, I have to say I doubt very much your ABF (alcoholic boyfriend) thinks you are serious if you have threatened and never followed through. So if you are serious this time, and truly believe you cannot see a future with this man as things are now, then follow through this time.
It sucks. I was so heavy hearted when I moved out. It took months to begin to feel normal again in my new normal. But darn it, I had threatened enough and was sick of living the same old, same old. So I bought my own house, and left my husband to fend for himself in his house.
We are still married but living separately. He's 16 months sober now.
Things will work out as they will, Jennifer. I found faith in my higher power to believe in that. SR and Al-Anon helped me develop that faith, and I now live a quiet, peaceful life, free from the insanity of the years prior.
You don't cause him to drink, you can't control his drinking, and you can't cure him. It's not your problem, its his and his alone. So let him have it. Brush the dust off your feet and leave.
Take good care!
~T
Your post reminds me of the reason I hate this disease.
But on the other hand, I have to say I doubt very much your ABF (alcoholic boyfriend) thinks you are serious if you have threatened and never followed through. So if you are serious this time, and truly believe you cannot see a future with this man as things are now, then follow through this time.
It sucks. I was so heavy hearted when I moved out. It took months to begin to feel normal again in my new normal. But darn it, I had threatened enough and was sick of living the same old, same old. So I bought my own house, and left my husband to fend for himself in his house.
We are still married but living separately. He's 16 months sober now.
Things will work out as they will, Jennifer. I found faith in my higher power to believe in that. SR and Al-Anon helped me develop that faith, and I now live a quiet, peaceful life, free from the insanity of the years prior.
You don't cause him to drink, you can't control his drinking, and you can't cure him. It's not your problem, its his and his alone. So let him have it. Brush the dust off your feet and leave.
Take good care!
~T
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 47
Oh my gosh Maya, I can't believe how similar our stories are. I almost left in June. We broke up for I think 6 weeks, then he talked me back into staying, saying he will change, find other things to do that is not drinking, etc. I am also 32. That was one of my points in therapy with him the other night, that I wanted the option of having kids, and I could not imagine sitting home alone with a crying baby, electricity turned off because he spent the money at the bar, keeping the bartenders happy, him out drinking till who knows. I said the same thing about wishing I would have just left then, the pain would be almost over by now. Keep strong my friend, we will get through this!!!!!xoxox
Tuffgirl, thank you for your words of wisdom. That is the hardest part, knowing I can do nothing while watching him ruin his life. He is going to wake up one day sick and tired and depressed, wondering what happened and where life went. Of course on the other hand, maybe he will be happier because he does not have a nag and can drink all the beer he wants and order pizza every night. who knows.
Thanks everyone! and good luck, stay strong!!!
Tuffgirl, thank you for your words of wisdom. That is the hardest part, knowing I can do nothing while watching him ruin his life. He is going to wake up one day sick and tired and depressed, wondering what happened and where life went. Of course on the other hand, maybe he will be happier because he does not have a nag and can drink all the beer he wants and order pizza every night. who knows.
Thanks everyone! and good luck, stay strong!!!
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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and Life recovery, I keep telling myself just to take it a day at a time, keep turning my thoughts from the past happy memories and broken dreams, to the freedom I will have stepping away from anothers addiction. Thank you!
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Hey Jennifer,
I used to think this too and for many years. Then I realized that not only did she not choose alcohol over me, but that she wasn't even equipped to make rational decisions, and hadn't been for many years.
If it was as simple as choosing I argue there would be few, if any, alcoholics. I think the only people who can intrinsically understand this, and I'm not one of them so it's intellectual for me, is an alcoholic.
In other words, it's not about you, your value as a human being, or even if he really loves you (and he may or may not). It's just another gift that alcoholism gives to those of us who love alcoholics.
Take care Jennifer. Keep pursuing serenity and peace and take care of you. It's his job to take care of him.
Don't give up on yourself.
Cyranoak
I used to think this too and for many years. Then I realized that not only did she not choose alcohol over me, but that she wasn't even equipped to make rational decisions, and hadn't been for many years.
If it was as simple as choosing I argue there would be few, if any, alcoholics. I think the only people who can intrinsically understand this, and I'm not one of them so it's intellectual for me, is an alcoholic.
In other words, it's not about you, your value as a human being, or even if he really loves you (and he may or may not). It's just another gift that alcoholism gives to those of us who love alcoholics.
Take care Jennifer. Keep pursuing serenity and peace and take care of you. It's his job to take care of him.
Don't give up on yourself.
Cyranoak
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: mission viejo, ca
Posts: 134
This was me too. 6 year relationship, ended 6 weeks ago. Exept i left after was sober a year cuz i found out he was drinking again and also using hard drugs. I told him i cant do it anymore but loved him and to get better so we can work it out then 2 days ago i get a text from him saying he meet the love of his life and was getting married and never had feelings for a women like this. That he found his soul mate and cant wait to be the father of her 4 amazing kids. I CRIED SO HARD I COLLAPSED AND THREW UP. I gave this man 6 years of my heart, life, time, compassion, love...and he gave me love and hardships for 6 years. I never EVER thought we would be here. We were suppose to get married this OCT and start a family. EVERYONE will tell you that you dodged a bullet and thank god you didnt have children but...i understand the pain dosent go away. Everyone tells me time heal all wounds but trust me when i say..YOUR NOT ALONE. I am still in schock and denial but me text messaging him day and night dosent help him get better nor does it keep him from wanting someone else who knows nothing of his problems.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 225
(((Jeniffer))
I know it's probably no help, but I feel your pain. I can relate. I know it's hard to take in right now when you get responses like ¨you dodged a bullet¨, etc. But it's true. You spent 6 years with this man and things obviously didn't work out. I don't mean to sound callous, but in my opinion you are the better for it. How would you feel 10 or 20 years from now when his alcoholism has progressed? (which it surely will unless he seeks recovery.) hope you have the benefit of alanon meetings. They can be such a help in dealing with situations like yours. Sending you support.
I know it's probably no help, but I feel your pain. I can relate. I know it's hard to take in right now when you get responses like ¨you dodged a bullet¨, etc. But it's true. You spent 6 years with this man and things obviously didn't work out. I don't mean to sound callous, but in my opinion you are the better for it. How would you feel 10 or 20 years from now when his alcoholism has progressed? (which it surely will unless he seeks recovery.) hope you have the benefit of alanon meetings. They can be such a help in dealing with situations like yours. Sending you support.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I am 30 
Thinking about any future children helps- what kind of dad would they have? someone to abandon them as well? oh no. I feel grateful I didn´t have any with XABF. Now we get the chance to heal and perhaps meet someone healthier, a real partner in life.
Hanging around good male friends or male figures has helped me realize how little I was settling for. All those expenses are nothing compared to sanity and peace. We used to share a wonderful house, I don´t remember crying so hard anywhere than there. Now I live in a really modest small house, which could be depressing, if not for the fact my cats and I can actually chill out, and it feels safe and comfortable (even when its a mess).
The only alcohol is a bottle of red wine I sometimes use for the pasta sauce. Well, at least that is the intention, I often forget to use it.
Priceless.
Hugs to everyone and yes we can do it. Yes we can.
Thinking about any future children helps- what kind of dad would they have? someone to abandon them as well? oh no. I feel grateful I didn´t have any with XABF. Now we get the chance to heal and perhaps meet someone healthier, a real partner in life.
Hanging around good male friends or male figures has helped me realize how little I was settling for. All those expenses are nothing compared to sanity and peace. We used to share a wonderful house, I don´t remember crying so hard anywhere than there. Now I live in a really modest small house, which could be depressing, if not for the fact my cats and I can actually chill out, and it feels safe and comfortable (even when its a mess).
The only alcohol is a bottle of red wine I sometimes use for the pasta sauce. Well, at least that is the intention, I often forget to use it.
Priceless.
Hugs to everyone and yes we can do it. Yes we can.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
Originally Posted by Jennifer124 
He tells me I "drive him to drink," so I said "fine, if I'm gone, you will stop drinking"? He didn't have an answer to that.
WHICH THE CHICKEN, WHICH THE EGG?
He drinks because she scolds, he thinks;
She thinks she scolds because he drinks;
And neither will admit what's true,
That he's a sot and she's a shrew.
Not that we're all shrewish, but the urge was always there, for me. My A is now deceased, but I wish I'd had the stones to leave him while I was still young. he might have hit bottom and gotten some help, and I'd definitely have been happier. I loved him, but that doesn't fix anything, does it?
I also think about the children we didn't have. I am glad I didn't. The smartest thing I ever did was to avoid another generation of children raised to think alcoholism is normal, and putting up with that in a partner is normal.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 2
I married my alcoholic boyfriend (now husband)last year. We have a 1 month old baby and nothing has changed-when we found out I was pregnant he told me that he was going to change and do right by his son. Where is my husband now you ask? He is out right now drinking and came home called me a "stupid bitch" among other things and then left again. He has hinted more than once that he is going to buy a life insurance policy so that his son will be set in case anything happens to him. He says that I derserve better, but if I ever leave and take his son away from him, that he would not be able to live. I am in a living hell- I am on maternity leave and almost every day has become about taking care of my newborn and also worrying about my husband. I thought things would change as well as he promised. His dad was an alcoholic and user and just passed a few weeks ago. My husband is following in his footsteps. I pray for my son's health and happiness. I need courage to leave but have been able to hide his issues from friends and family for years. I am scared that something will happen to him if my son and I do leave. How do I rid myself of the guilt?
I am so thankful I found this forum- thank you all for listening.
I am so thankful I found this forum- thank you all for listening.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: OR
Posts: 32
First, great first step to start posting on here. This forum changed my life...
Reading your post is like getting in a time machine, and traveling back 5 years to a time when I had an AB. At the time, struggling with how/when/if to break up was torture for me. But, leaving was absolutely the best decision I ever made. And, once I moved out, broke off contact, and focused on myself...it really didn't take long before I felt like myself again (happy, motivated, relaxed, adventurous, etc.).
I jump back on this forum every year to offer my story in hopes that it will help others...
I lived with my AB for just under 2 years. When we first met, he was charming, very good looking, and caring on the surface. It was about 6 months into the relationship that I really started to feel something was seriously askew in terms of his drinking. It seems like the drinking scenarios started off as subtle issues. Drinking to the point of passing out once or twice came with the argument that "it was just a rockin' party". But, that soon went to drinking at 10am on a Sunday because "we were out to breakfast and a mimosa was on the menu", which changed to pissing the bed from being so drunk, passing out before the Super Bowl was even at half time, taking shots before looking for a xmas tree, etc. Of course, amidst all of this he still never missed work, so he argued he didn't have a problem. After about a year, I told him I wanted him to get help with his drinking. He said "no way". He tried a few "techniques" like only drinking on the weekend (which really just meant making up for not drinking during the week by pounding a 12 pack in an hour at 5pm on Friday night). I was on edge 24/7. I would rush home from work to try to prevent him from drinking if he got home first. I was always worried he would do something stupid (like leave doors open and that my dog would accidentally get out), so I was like you, micromanaging everything...desperately trying to prevent the inevitable.
When it became crystal clear to me that something needed to change, I went to an Al-Anon meeting for myself. Not only did my going to an Al-Anon meeting freak him out, but it freaked me out. I freaked out because I was surrounded by people who went to meetings every week and had been in relationships with Alcoholics for decades, and I just couldn't see myself living that life. I didn't want to be in a partnership that required me to detach myself so extensively. Or, that I couldn't have pets or kids because he could do something stupid that would harm them. I didn't want my life to be about his drinking. So, I gave him an ultimatum. And, he got help (for about 1 month). Of course, he never got a sponsor, only went to one meeting a week (which I drove him to), so it's no surprise he didn't succeed. When his month of sobriety ended, he made up for lost time. He was hiding beer around the house and yard, disappearing for the weekend, etc. I'm not sure why it took a month or two for me to respond, but I decided to do a trial move out. I stayed on my mom's couch for a few weeks, just me and my dog and a suit case...it was awesome. I hadn't been that happy since meeting him. And after some back and forth with him, lots of posts on this forum, eventually, I moved out.
It's been five years. I'm in a relationship now with someone who doesn't even drink. We've been together for 3 and a half years, and he just rocks my socks off. I can't believe I was ever in the situation I was in with my previous AB. I can't believe I thought he was "really great except for the alcohol" because now that I've had distance, he wasn't really that great.
Reading your post is like getting in a time machine, and traveling back 5 years to a time when I had an AB. At the time, struggling with how/when/if to break up was torture for me. But, leaving was absolutely the best decision I ever made. And, once I moved out, broke off contact, and focused on myself...it really didn't take long before I felt like myself again (happy, motivated, relaxed, adventurous, etc.).
I jump back on this forum every year to offer my story in hopes that it will help others...
I lived with my AB for just under 2 years. When we first met, he was charming, very good looking, and caring on the surface. It was about 6 months into the relationship that I really started to feel something was seriously askew in terms of his drinking. It seems like the drinking scenarios started off as subtle issues. Drinking to the point of passing out once or twice came with the argument that "it was just a rockin' party". But, that soon went to drinking at 10am on a Sunday because "we were out to breakfast and a mimosa was on the menu", which changed to pissing the bed from being so drunk, passing out before the Super Bowl was even at half time, taking shots before looking for a xmas tree, etc. Of course, amidst all of this he still never missed work, so he argued he didn't have a problem. After about a year, I told him I wanted him to get help with his drinking. He said "no way". He tried a few "techniques" like only drinking on the weekend (which really just meant making up for not drinking during the week by pounding a 12 pack in an hour at 5pm on Friday night). I was on edge 24/7. I would rush home from work to try to prevent him from drinking if he got home first. I was always worried he would do something stupid (like leave doors open and that my dog would accidentally get out), so I was like you, micromanaging everything...desperately trying to prevent the inevitable.
When it became crystal clear to me that something needed to change, I went to an Al-Anon meeting for myself. Not only did my going to an Al-Anon meeting freak him out, but it freaked me out. I freaked out because I was surrounded by people who went to meetings every week and had been in relationships with Alcoholics for decades, and I just couldn't see myself living that life. I didn't want to be in a partnership that required me to detach myself so extensively. Or, that I couldn't have pets or kids because he could do something stupid that would harm them. I didn't want my life to be about his drinking. So, I gave him an ultimatum. And, he got help (for about 1 month). Of course, he never got a sponsor, only went to one meeting a week (which I drove him to), so it's no surprise he didn't succeed. When his month of sobriety ended, he made up for lost time. He was hiding beer around the house and yard, disappearing for the weekend, etc. I'm not sure why it took a month or two for me to respond, but I decided to do a trial move out. I stayed on my mom's couch for a few weeks, just me and my dog and a suit case...it was awesome. I hadn't been that happy since meeting him. And after some back and forth with him, lots of posts on this forum, eventually, I moved out.
It's been five years. I'm in a relationship now with someone who doesn't even drink. We've been together for 3 and a half years, and he just rocks my socks off. I can't believe I was ever in the situation I was in with my previous AB. I can't believe I thought he was "really great except for the alcohol" because now that I've had distance, he wasn't really that great.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 47
I'm so sorry for your pain justrae and happiness 1234, and all the others who have posted!!!!!!!!!!!!you deserve sooooo much better!!!!!
I love this quote "I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
Be strong, you are worth it, we deserve so much better!!!!
I love this quote "I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
Be strong, you are worth it, we deserve so much better!!!!
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 47
awww, golden, i love your post! sooo similar in stories!! I am going to al anon this week. And I continue to look for apartments. I am so happy you found your happiness! You all give me the strength I need to follow through. Guess where my ABF is right now......
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: mission viejo, ca
Posts: 134
I need this strength too....it still hurts and i cant wait till years down the line I can look back and say...WHAT WAS I THINKING?! I WASTED 6 YEARS OF MY LIFE FOR WHAT?! but of course that time is not now, i still cry and wish he would change but know it wont happen. God has a better partner for my life...i cant wait to see who that man is
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