Going to the A with your heart in your hands?
 

I have been thinking about how my own twisted thinking has contributed to the problems in our marriage. I would like to make amends to my AH and try to start mending fences but I don't know if he'll even respond positively based on where he is emotionally right now. I want to tell him that it hurts every time he tells me that he doesn't think I'm capable of ever trusting or forgiving him. I know it's not true but he sees his own truths and they aren't always right. He wants to believe what he believes but I'd like to start some positive steps so that I can show him that I still do love him despite the fact that I am still angry about the DUI and the stuff that preceded it. I know that actions speak louder than words and I've been trying to be kind but I feel like we're just roommates who are pleasant to each other, instead of a married couple who really need to work some things out and persevere if it's meant to be. Thoughts? I'm not trying to be codie here, I'm just trying to mend some fences and I'm not sure what the right step is. I know I need to work on myself but this roommate thing is getting pretty old, LOL.

Is he mending fences as well? It takes both of you to do so. I have not been so fortunate but in hindsight I feel I tried way too hard to let him see that I still love him. And yes that was the codie in me. As I start to heal I realize that I just need to take care of me. Not in a selfish way but in a "Am I acting in a way that makes me proud of who I am?" As long as I am kind and grateful and show that in my actions then that is all I can do. You are right. He sees only his own reality. If he is working on himself then he will come to a place where he can see the you for the caring wife you are. I think sometimes they are so riddles with guilt they project all those bad feelings onto us. My husband is not at that place. He cannot accept my love or forgiveness. I have stopped bending over backwards to let him know. Don't get me wrong, I still have moments of weakness but when I poke the bear and he roars. I have learned to step back slowly and not take it personally. Bears roar. Alcoholics drinks and cannot love themselves- so why believe anyone else does. Take it slowly. Forgive for yourself and keep us posted.

Well, his idea of mending fences is putting 100% into his job, saying I'm sorry for the DUI and the crap he put us through, and then just quitting drinking without a program or any support whatsoever. To me, it doesn't seem like much but I think that's all he's capable of right now. I guess I'm just trying to push the envelope towards common ground and healing for both of us. I'm just sooooooo not used to taking care of myself and NOT being there for him. That includes 'in the bedroom' too. I used to give him bedroom time on days when he'd been horrid to me thinking that it would relax him and make him feel wanted and appreciated. Wow, I really do have a long way to go!

Why isn't he working a program?

Because he's got too much pride and he wants to go it alone like he did 17 years ago when he quit. I even told him that a judge would look favorably upon him if he started a real recovery program after the DUI and told him that there's a concurrent AA meeting during my Al Anon meetings but he didn't respond or seem receptive. He says he knows all about AA and being powerless over alcohol and that he'd go if I made him. I decided not to tell him anything. His recovery is for his to take responsibility for and it's obvious to me that he's still in denial despite the DUI and all the crap that led up to it.

Do what you need for your own recovery, lizatola. But be careful about expectations and outcomes. You can unknowingly set yourself up by thinking you can change somebody with your words.

And maybe, for right now, living as roommates is best. All things happen for a reason; and if he is working on staying sober, it may be all he can handle right now. Doesn't mean its forever, just for right now.

Thanks, Tuffgirl. I know it's ok to be pleasant roommates right now but it's hard because it wasn't always like this. I feel like reality is really slapping me around too much right now. My dad passed away 3 months ago and he was my first qualifier for the program and for some reason, I really miss him today.

As for him working on staying sober, that may be all well and good but without a program I wonder what's next in his bag of tricks? I am so glad I got to my meeting tonight, it really helped me put some stuff in perspective.

I am getting better but I often want to make amends to try and make the relationship smoother and less bumpy. The problem is that I don't have a good handle in the early stages of what is mine and what is someone elses....thus I end up apologizing for "everything" and taking the blame all on myself. That often hurts me and the other person in the relationship too, because then I resent being the responsible one. It also makes me exhausted. Working on my own stuff is enough, but I try to work on my own and the other persons and make myself nuts...but I get caught up feeling like I "have" to because I admitted I was the problem. What a circular mess I create.

Trust me this just might be me.

I heard an Alanon speaker today at a workshop. She said she had regrets but didn't ever say she was sorry. If I ever do an 8th step and contact my XAH I will mention regrets- I won't say I am sorry. This disease makes one crazy. It is insane. Eight years of Alanon and I am still a baby. I am not perfect. I will never be perfect. I had some of my character defects way before I married my X. The 1st step is the problem. I have 11 more steps for the solution. It is exciting to find I am not alone in it. Thanks for being here for me.