My AH is attending Al-Anon meetings
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My AH is attending Al-Anon meetings
Since the beginning of the year our relationship has pretty much deteriorated. His last drinking episode was "the straw that broke the camels back" for me. We have been sleeping separately and don't speak much. At the encouragement of my brother, my AH attended an Al-Anon meeting 2 weeks ago and then again this past friday. He also bought a book titled How Al-Anon Works, but it doesn't look to me like its seen much action. He quit drinking last year but, as it turns out, he only quit as a means of saving our marriage......you all can guess how well that worked out. From May till December there were 2 "slip-ups". Totally expected on my part.
We had a discussion last night about our relationship. As calmly as I possibly could I explained my feelings and also questioned why he was only attending Al-Anon and not AA. His family is riddled with A's, so Al-Anon is something he needs.....but he still doesn't see that he is an A himself so AA isn't a requirement in his eyes. His response was "look at my family, Al-Anon is where I should be".
I have set my boundaries and explained that I do not plan on participating in our marriage until there is real progress on his part. I did that last year and wound up hurt. Lesson learned. He'll either progress or he wont and I'll make my decision to leave when I'm done waiting
I'm wondering what all you wonderfully wise people think. Is Al-Anon at least a small step in the right direction? Or is it just as I see it....One more thing to focus on and blame for his actions?
We had a discussion last night about our relationship. As calmly as I possibly could I explained my feelings and also questioned why he was only attending Al-Anon and not AA. His family is riddled with A's, so Al-Anon is something he needs.....but he still doesn't see that he is an A himself so AA isn't a requirement in his eyes. His response was "look at my family, Al-Anon is where I should be".
I have set my boundaries and explained that I do not plan on participating in our marriage until there is real progress on his part. I did that last year and wound up hurt. Lesson learned. He'll either progress or he wont and I'll make my decision to leave when I'm done waiting
I'm wondering what all you wonderfully wise people think. Is Al-Anon at least a small step in the right direction? Or is it just as I see it....One more thing to focus on and blame for his actions?
I agree with anvil. If he is not drinking and working a program that may be good enough. If he actually does the steps and is honest when he gets to step 4 he will have to look as his actions.
Your friend,
Your friend,
I have to agree with anvilhead, at least he is willing to attend some type of meeting, and at least he is willing to acknowledge that alcohol has affected his life.
More than likely he will hear people share their experiences about how alcoholics have affeced their lives in a way that he will identify with the alcoholic.
I have found that repeated exposure to stories about alcohol related problems causes a person to question the role that alcohol plays in their lives.
This is by no means a guarantee that this person will want to go to any length to succeed in the path of recovery, but it is a beginning.
If this person truly gets honest with themselves, they may see past their denial, and may be literally ready to take the first step (We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable)
More than likely he will hear people share their experiences about how alcoholics have affeced their lives in a way that he will identify with the alcoholic.
I have found that repeated exposure to stories about alcohol related problems causes a person to question the role that alcohol plays in their lives.
This is by no means a guarantee that this person will want to go to any length to succeed in the path of recovery, but it is a beginning.
If this person truly gets honest with themselves, they may see past their denial, and may be literally ready to take the first step (We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable)
I heard someone (a "double winner" - someone who attends both Al-Anon and AA) once refer to Al-Anon as the doorway to AA. This individual started attending Al-Anon meetings with an alcoholic spouse and family of origin, only to realize once he started actively working on the program that he needed to be in AA as well.
Who knows what will happen? It's a start.
Besides, in his mind he's already tuned you out to keep up his wall of denial. He hasn't realized that Al-Anon will tear down that wall, too, rather than allowing him to build up his "victim" routine.
Maybe good will come of this.
Who knows what will happen? It's a start.
Besides, in his mind he's already tuned you out to keep up his wall of denial. He hasn't realized that Al-Anon will tear down that wall, too, rather than allowing him to build up his "victim" routine.
Maybe good will come of this.
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I heard someone (a "double winner" - someone who attends both Al-Anon and AA) once refer to Al-Anon as the doorway to AA. This individual started attending Al-Anon meetings with an alcoholic spouse and family of origin, only to realize once he started actively working on the program that he needed to be in AA as well.
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I respect the opinions of the other posters here a great deal, but he's simply using Alanon to avoid AA and the idea that he's an alcoholic.
He's in denial about his alcoholism and Alanon won't be very useful in that regard because it's focused on how the drinking of others has affected us. If he keeps the focus there he gets to not focus on his own drinking problems.
And, regardless, it doesn't matter anyway. What matters is if it's a problem for you and it is. Enough said.
Cyranoak
He's in denial about his alcoholism and Alanon won't be very useful in that regard because it's focused on how the drinking of others has affected us. If he keeps the focus there he gets to not focus on his own drinking problems.
And, regardless, it doesn't matter anyway. What matters is if it's a problem for you and it is. Enough said.
Cyranoak
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Thanks everyone! I do think he is choosing to focus on the wrong thing for the time being. But that said......he is an A and comes from a family full of them. And I mean FULL!! Both parents, both sisters, almost every uncle and one cousin who already quit drinking. Even if he started out in AA he certainly needs Al Anon. I will remain (every so slightly) optimistic that this is a good start for him. After all, in the past he has refused any meetings.
He is attending an all mens group so I've never been....but from what others are telling me it is a great group. I pray he finds someone there who will support him.
After all, I can't do it since I am the reason he drinks in the first place! :oP
He is attending an all mens group so I've never been....but from what others are telling me it is a great group. I pray he finds someone there who will support him.
After all, I can't do it since I am the reason he drinks in the first place! :oP
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