sistertrouble

Backstory: Sister is now a RA. Terrible few years of her drinking, being antagonistic, aggressive and creating drama. From what I gather via meetings and therapy of my own it was classic alcoholic behavior.

Last summer sister went on a rant (when she was supposedly in recovery) and informed me that I was a terrible mother, had a sham of a marriage, etc. She decided to enact a boundary with me so she could continue with her recovery. Fine. I have abided by that decision. I love her enough to detach.

Yesterday we reconnected. I figured that I would give it a shot. Her emails to me just seem so full of nice sounding quotes and no real taking of responsibility.

Things like re: interaction with me or another family member that she doesn't like:

-i look to the heaven's to hope one day he can truly find peace, as i have found
-or: it would not be healthy for me to open a door without a sincere, open, honest olive branch.
-or: my path leads onward.
-or: i ask for what i want, am clear, direct, and protective of my mental health/ sobriety/family. you will not find yourself searching as to what i mean, say, act of. my actions are honest, and you can never take back a word spoken, only learn to forgive.

I just want to scream REALLY???? Forgive... as in forgive herself or forgive the family in how they deal/dealt with her???

Did you forget that you attacked everyone around you? That you drove around drunk with my child in your car or called a family member's child '********'? Or that you drank your way through a vacation at the Happiest Place on Earth and ruined it for everyone? Or that I never knew how you were going to act or whether you were going to be sober enough to be civil?

Is it just me or does she just seem to be quoting ideals? She even went as far as to say that she is addicted to sweets b/c the wine 'did it to her'?

Thoughts anyone? Am I overreaching in this? I swear, I can almost hear the drama being created... or is that just ME?

Tuffgirl

I don't think it's you, and although it may look like it, it's probably not intentional drama either.

Early recovery is hard. There's a saying in AA "fake it til you make it" and I swear my RAH was doing that a lot early on. He sounded so insincere and robotic, and didn't seem to be working the steps the way I would have thought. It took about a full year before things actually started to change for the better, and the changes were subtle.

Al-Anon really helps to learn how to detach so you can let the things like you describe above go right by you with no emotional investment. Have you tried a meeting (or five)? Ever read the AA Big Book or any other books on alcoholism? I was able to forgive a lot easier when I began to understand how alcoholism affects the brain and body. And I've had to forgive a lot of stuff that I know was not about me in the end, but hurt nonetheless.

And something else to remember - her memories of events are not your memories. She was under the influence, therefore her thought processes have been very skewed because of the chemicals.

Again, early recovery is tough, and Rome wasn't built in a day. The best thing you can do is detach from her and let her find her own way - even if you know she's totally wrong! Just let her be.

Prayers!
~T

PS: she is right about the sugar - there's a high sugar content in alcohol and many recovering alcoholics find sugar a good replacement. That does pass after a while...for most.

laurie6781

Well.................................. I would suspect she is 'quoting and using' words that have been said to her that hit a 'nerve' that she is not quite ready to look at. I have known many, myself included, that had to use what I heard until it actually became a part of my new way of acting and thinking.

It took my family, and no I do not blame them, until I was about 3 years sober before they started 'trusting' me at all, and then it was because they had been watching my actions, and literally ignoring my words.

If I were you, I would continue to keep my boundary of no or very little communication and/or interaction with my sister at this stage. That is your prerogative.

Continue to go to your Alanon meetings and working the program that you would like to see your sister work. You will reach the point when you can 'forgive' her and that will in reality be for you not her. You won't forget the bad events, but they will fade as you grow and change.

And, who knows, she may actually get better herself, and reach Steps 8 and 9 where she is ready and starts her amends.

In the meantime, I will repeat, take care of you, be good to you, work on you, for YOU.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

ps: this also means that you do NOT have to answer her phone calls and/or read her emails or txt messages when you do not feel up to some interaction with her. Again that is for you. There are probably times when you do not feel up to a contact with her. So on those occasions go No contact. There is no tablet in the desert with a commandment that you must always answer your sisters communications. J M H O

sistertrouble

Thanks guys. I needed that.