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Here comes victim mode and the blame game

Old 03-06-2012, 10:25 PM
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Here comes victim mode and the blame game

So, my AH has been dry since his DUI. I keep making the mistake of trying to talk about things which he sees as me bringing up the past and then he gets into victim talk and he starts blaming me for the fact that he hid his drinking, etc. Here he is 3 weeks after an extreme DUI, looking at possible jail time, and he still blames me for the reason that he hid his drinking.

He still justifies his lies and tries to make it seem like he's the victim of my judgmental attitudes and trust issues. I am tired of just about everything with him right now. He says he has excellent willpower and that's how he's staying away from the booze. He says that he purposely sat at the bar at his favorite beer house while on business last week and he ordered an iced tea, just to prove to himself that he can stay away from the beer.

After talking for what seems like hours, he starts saying stuff like, "I'm afraid to even go to the grocery store with you because if we walk past the booze aisle you're just sitting there judging me and wondering if I'm craving the beer." Seriously? Does he really think that or is he just trying to set me off and get me to look as crazy as he is?

I have decided to just not even talk about our relationship or about much of anything right now. He just goes about his day like everything is hunky dory, there's no rehabilitation program or counseling going on with him, and he's just doing great. I keep waiting to see what his punishment is going to be for this DUI. It's not going to be pretty and even though he says he knows this, he sure isn't acting like it. One minute he's bemoaning his plight in life and the next minute he's on top of the world and even buying stuff for himself. I guess if I was facing about $15K in DUI expenses I wouldn't be that into buying a stupid $200 chair for my office. I'd probably be tightening my belt. Anyway, I'm just frustrated with him right now. He seems to like to tell me how he doesn't think I'll ever be capable of trusting him ever again and how he would understand if I left him(victim mode here) and then the next minute he's telling me that he drank and hid it because I was so judgmental and that he had no choice. UGH, someone please tell me that I'm not the crazy one here!
I keep reciting the serenity prayer. Then I remind myself: I can't control it, I didn't cause it, and I can't cure it. The whole thing is befuddling! Hence, the reason they say that alcoholism is a baffling disease, right?
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Old 03-07-2012, 06:26 AM
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Ok, your AH is using willpower for sobriety/recovery. No counseling, no support group, no assitance whatsoever.

There is a saying in the rooms:

"work the kind of program you wish they were working"

What does your recovery program look like?

From this side of the screen, it looks like the cycle of blame-shifting from the A continues. This results in your continuing to feel crazy.

Since you can't change his behavior, what steps can you take to change your reaction to his behavior?
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Old 03-07-2012, 07:19 AM
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Thank you, Pelican. I am going to 2 Al Anon meetings a week right now. I am going back to my therapist. And, I have been doing a ton of reading on forgiveness and trust and reading all the Al Anon materials I can. I am currently trying to find a sponsor but the 3 ladies I asked so far have turned me down.

My change is just going to be stuff like: I'm sorry you feel that way and then dropping the conversation as quick as I can or leaving the room, if appropriate. I'm trying very hard to learn new ways of communicating but also I think I need to just leave certain subjects alone because it's pretty clear that he has no desire to quit blaming me for his lies and justifications.
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Old 03-07-2012, 08:41 AM
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I too have had the same experience. My AH told me he went to bars with his friends and drank soda and had just as good a time as if he had been drinking alcohol. Then it progressed to, " I had only two then changed to Dr. Pepper."
In reality the drinking never stopped. Testing himself was an excuse to be in the bar.
And yes, it's my fault he hid it and my fault he drinks in the first place, along with the old boss, the ex-girlfriend, his family, etc.
He knows I dont trust him, have caught him in numerous lies and his answer to that is, "Well you think i'm doing it so I may as well go ahead and drink"
The excuses are numerous. The outcome is always the same...they will continue to do what they do until they decide to change it. All we can do is work at our responses and at the end of the day, try to reassure ourselves that we did the best we could.
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Old 03-07-2012, 08:59 AM
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Though my dad is the one who uses "victim mode" in my life (he's the codie/enabler to my codie/A stepmom) I finally got to where I'd had enough. He would go on about something that was happening to him and what he was going to do and I'd say "that's your choice" and walk off.

When my XABF#3 had his mom 3-way call me from jail, wanting me to bail him out I said "nope". He snapped back "oh yeah, I'm just an addict, just throw me away". I told him "um, you seem to have forgotten, I'm an addict, too? I'm just in recovery, you're in jail and you can deal with it".

There was a time I believed people who told me "it's all your fault". Heck, I thought EVERYTHING was my fault. After being here for a few years, however, I've come to realize that MY actions don't cause anyone else to DO anything. I just keep working on my addiction/codie recoveries, pray for them, and try to stay out of the drama as much as possible.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 03-07-2012, 10:13 AM
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I could have written your post two years ago (or my own version of it). I remember asking my RAH once "why do I have so much power over you and your life? I don't want it".

I was also amazed at just how much he could mind read. I mean, he was regularly telling me exactly what I was thinking and feeling and why.

When I stopped reacting to it, it slowly stopped working for him. I got very good at being vague - so when this stuff happened, I would say "huh" or "really" or my favorite: "what?"

He's over 16 months sober now, and I am happy to report he doesn't mind read anymore. Apparently that was his own stuff he was trying to project onto me. He really couldn't read my mind after all. Huh. Really (said sarcastically).

Mind reading is bait. Don't get hooked.
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Old 03-07-2012, 10:17 AM
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I had it just the same from my partner this evening 'The only reason I ever drink is when you stress me out'
Question, 'Why do you drink when I'm away then?'
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Old 03-07-2012, 10:41 AM
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You are doing great!

It's progress, not perfection while we are working on our own recovery.

Another reminder that helped me when I wanted everything to change instantly - was to remember I didn't arrive in the situation overnight, so I needed to be patient while I learned better ways to handle myself.

Keep on keepin on!
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Old 03-07-2012, 10:52 AM
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He's being honest. Or I should say 'honest-ish', and I identify with him down the line.

The last 3 duis I endured were directly my ex's fault. She wasn't around for my first, that one was The Majorette's fault. On my 2nd she was back at home and left me out alone fending for myself on a Saturday night. In her defense she did come out right away in her night robe to the site of my wrecked car in the rain, so she got some points for that.

My 3rd she was out of town visiting her girlfriend and I had to go drinking at a drive-in all alone. She was sorry and agreed to shape up after that one.

But no, on my 4th she was up to her old tricks again and had to work all day while I went drunk fishing alone. Even all banged and stitched up I called a friend to pick me up from the hospital, making a silent statement regarding her meanness in putting me in those situations.

You don't want to hear how her actions and attitudes drove me to bizarre encounters that probably scarred not only me but also many of the ladies' families.

You'd think after causing that kind of wreckage and grief she'd be sorry and treat me nicely, with kid gloves and do the kinds of things she should have been doing all along, but NOOooo, it was AIDs testing and all sorts of precautions for months. Luckily she never found out that she'd pushed me into that since way before we were married and all along the way. She never could understand I was just a guy who needed a little more fun than most.

Anyway, I just wanted to say your husband isn't surprising or out of the norm at all among the alcoholic crowd. If he gets sober someday we'll know exactly where he's coming from when he tells his warped version of things.

It's no doubt infuriating to you to see things clearly when he sees reality so skewed. Fact is he honestly believes his twisted version, and believes yours is off base completely.

Hope things change for the better in the not too distant future.
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Old 03-07-2012, 11:06 AM
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
I could have written your post two years ago (or my own version of it). I remember asking my RAH once "why do I have so much power over you and your life? I don't want it".

I was also amazed at just how much he could mind read. I mean, he was regularly telling me exactly what I was thinking and feeling and why.

When I stopped reacting to it, it slowly stopped working for him. I got very good at being vague - so when this stuff happened, I would say "huh" or "really" or my favorite: "what?"

He's over 16 months sober now, and I am happy to report he doesn't mind read anymore. Apparently that was his own stuff he was trying to project onto me. He really couldn't read my mind after all. Huh. Really (said sarcastically).

Mind reading is bait. Don't get hooked.
Yes, I have to stop reacting to it. I love the fact that he can predict my every thought and feeling, too. You will never forgive me. You glare at me. You make me walk on eggshells. UGH, seriously?

I'm finally tired of being in my own codie victim mode and it feels good to realize that I do have control: OF ME. He can think what he wants, be sarcastic and melodramatic, and he can blame me all he wants. Right now, I see it as his projection of his own insecurities and low self-image. He told me recently that the reason he doesn't want me to get a job out of the house is because he thinks some other guy will sweep me off my feet and that I'll leave him. Well, at least he's honest, LOL. For someone who constantly says that I got the short end of the stick in this relationship, he sure does do a lot of blaming and projecting on me. You'd think he'd work harder to keep me instead of trying to push me away.
Oh well, it's all part of his baggage and I don't have to carry it anymore.

Just wish I could get past some of my intimacy issues and take down some walls so I could rid myself of my anger. I'm still ticked off about the DUI and it's been almost a month. Baby steps, that's what I keep telling myself, LOL!
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Old 03-07-2012, 11:55 AM
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I attended a Christmas party with my (separated) AH. He did not drink. Afterward, he grumbled "Yeah, your two friends were really keeping an eye on me and the alcohol." This was funny because neither of my friends even knew we were separated, or that he was an alcoholic. They weren't 'watching' him at all. It was all in his mind.

My best answers to the blame game are vague, things like "Oh, is that so?" or "It's your life, your choices." And then let it go. What will be, will be.
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Old 03-07-2012, 02:21 PM
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Thats the nearest version to my situation yet! lol!! Boy I enjoyed reading that Lizatola, Thank you. I dont mean in a "funny" way it just brought a smile, to think, after all this time, when he nearly convinced me I had character defects that were quite bad, it was classic alcoholic blame culture. At one time I really believed I could be that bad because it had gone on for months and I had been awful to him. You see I hadnt found this site or Al anon, so I hadnt educated myself on alcoholism or co dependency and thought, like us all I was going mad. In fact its only been in the last month I ve learnt all this and admire how you all are so far ahead. Well done, I was in those kind of arguments, blame, judging, never trusting him again etc. for over 2 years. I ve worn myself out. thank you for that post. x
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Old 03-07-2012, 06:04 PM
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You can only take care of yourself Alanon is a good place to start.Blaming is a set up for a relapse and a target for him to keep that merry go round to spinning.Been there done that.I've had very good success turning off my own blame game and score cards going to meetings and stop reacting.I've been married 25 years, she has been sober for 90 days on this last time she has had 5 and 8 years in the past.If I didn't change my own behavior It wasn't going to work.
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Old 03-08-2012, 12:20 AM
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"I'm just frustrated with him right now. He seems to like to tell me how he doesn't think I'll ever be capable of trusting him ever again and how he would understand if I left him(victim mode here) and then the next minute he's telling me that he drank and hid it because I was so judgmental and that he had no choice. UGH, someone please tell me that I'm not the crazy one here!"

I have heard the same identical Line from my ExAB maaaaany times with tears. waaaaaaahhhhh I'm a helpless crying duck QUACKING in disguise.

I bought into this mumbo jumbo many times and thought I was crazy for almost a year. You are not crazy, just a Codie who is moving through recovery which makes you a strong awesome Codie.
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Old 03-08-2012, 08:54 AM
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Originally Posted by FindingJoy View Post
"I'm just frustrated with him right now. He seems to like to tell me how he doesn't think I'll ever be capable of trusting him ever again and how he would understand if I left him(victim mode here) and then the next minute he's telling me that he drank and hid it because I was so judgmental and that he had no choice. UGH, someone please tell me that I'm not the crazy one here!"

I have heard the same identical Line from my ExAB maaaaany times with tears. waaaaaaahhhhh I'm a helpless crying duck QUACKING in disguise.

I bought into this mumbo jumbo many times and thought I was crazy for almost a year. You are not crazy, just a Codie who is moving through recovery which makes you a strong awesome Codie.
Aww, thanks for sharing that. I needed to hear that today!
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Old 03-08-2012, 06:26 PM
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What has worked best for me in these predicaments is giving the other party a dubious look with a raised eyebrow. No words necessary, just a facial expression that says everything.
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Old 03-08-2012, 07:30 PM
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Have you seen the thread on Quacking? That's what he is doing. Hard as it is and I know how impossible it is and do not pretend that I will be able to do this each time myself, do NOT JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain). There is NOTHING rational you can say that will result in anything positive. Anything that comes out of your mouth will be distorted and used against you. Call a friend, walk away, turn off your phone and get away from him so that you can't possibly respond... He wants you to respond bc it's a distraction from HIS self created misery.

Hang in there.
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Old 03-08-2012, 08:33 PM
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Originally Posted by choublak View Post
What has worked best for me in these predicaments is giving the other party a dubious look with a raised eyebrow. No words necessary, just a facial expression that says everything.
Yes, I was good at the doubting look, while glaring at the same time.
My ex said he hated that look.
I don't think I could do it on a bet now, but apparently it "made" him want to get in his car, buy a six pack, drive around until he found the crack man, then spend his entire paycheck on crack.
Pretty wicked look, I say.

Beth
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Old 03-09-2012, 07:30 AM
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Originally Posted by wicked View Post
Yes, I was good at the doubting look, while glaring at the same time.
My ex said he hated that look.
I don't think I could do it on a bet now, but apparently it "made" him want to get in his car, buy a six pack, drive around until he found the crack man, then spend his entire paycheck on crack.
Pretty wicked look, I say.

Beth
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Yes, that must have been something. You certainly are powerful, LOL. UGH! It's like when he told me that he's afraid to go to the grocery store with me because I'll shoot daggers at him when we walk past the booze aisle. Seriously? This is all he's got? It took all my strength to not bust out laughing at him because I found it was so absurd.
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Old 03-09-2012, 12:54 PM
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Anxious all the time

Iam new to this site figured I could post something maybe someone has had the same things come up. My Husband became addicted to Oxycontin due to a back injury 5years ago he himself decided enough was enough he is 5 months clean, He entered a relapse prevention group for 9 weeks he decided to become a sponsor to someone he met there she is female she could be our daughter. OMG I think I do trust him but I dont know her from a hole in the ground, she relapsed now he wants to bring her to our home for detox again OMG told him we could help her in another way to make sure she is ok. WHAT IS HE THINKING.I know he wants to help her but its driving me insane.
Any insight would be helpful
Thx
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