Here comes victim mode and the blame game
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by ela 
Iam new to this site figured I could post something maybe someone has had the same things come up. My Husband became addicted to Oxycontin due to a back injury 5years ago he himself decided enough was enough he is 5 months clean, He entered a relapse prevention group for 9 weeks he decided to become a sponsor to someone he met there she is female she could be our daughter. OMG I think I do trust him but I dont know her from a hole in the ground, she relapsed now he wants to bring her to our home for detox again OMG told him we could help her in another way to make sure she is ok. WHAT IS HE THINKING.I know he wants to help her but its driving me insane.
Any insight would be helpful
Thx
Any insight would be helpful
Thx
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Meeting makers make it.....There are the 4 m's too......mothering, manipulating, being a martyr, and managing. This is a repeat of my situation back about 6 yrs. I was so codependent and the A was quacking and deflecting the guilt onto me. He couldn't look at himself, didn't have a program, went to jail, cost him lots of $, lost his job, I had to drive him ( big resentment here for that one)......yuk. They are "king babies" .......
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 137
Whenever my RAH projected or quacked( 20 times a day!) I used to get so frustrated, and spend hours mulling over everything he said. Thankfully now I have detached enough to let it go. I usually reply 'if you think so' or when he asks
My opinion on something I reply 'why ask? You don't need my opinion' and then walk away. In the past 6 months, I have learnt that when he is feeling low self esteem he tries to elevate himself by undercutting me; sadly he is an alcoholic and therefore has self esteem issues constantly. I no longer play the game with him, he no longer can blame me for his mood swings. I finally realized after 25 years that I am not responsible for his happiness, as he is not for mine- THIS was the first step for my changing codependent behaviour.
Liz - it feels that you are on the same journey. Stay strong, try not to listen to all the garbage- my trick is to view my RAH as a well worn piece of family furniture- present in the house,sometimes comfortable to have around, sometimes not. I suppose I have finally stopped believing in the fairy tale that becoming sober would give him that suit of armor and dashing white horse.
Best wishes to you
My opinion on something I reply 'why ask? You don't need my opinion' and then walk away. In the past 6 months, I have learnt that when he is feeling low self esteem he tries to elevate himself by undercutting me; sadly he is an alcoholic and therefore has self esteem issues constantly. I no longer play the game with him, he no longer can blame me for his mood swings. I finally realized after 25 years that I am not responsible for his happiness, as he is not for mine- THIS was the first step for my changing codependent behaviour.
Liz - it feels that you are on the same journey. Stay strong, try not to listen to all the garbage- my trick is to view my RAH as a well worn piece of family furniture- present in the house,sometimes comfortable to have around, sometimes not. I suppose I have finally stopped believing in the fairy tale that becoming sober would give him that suit of armor and dashing white horse.
Best wishes to you
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
He,s just being an a@@ and trying to get a reaction from you. If he gets a reaction then he can really blame you.
[QUOTE=lizatola;3310586]So, my AH has been dry since his DUI. I keep making the mistake of trying to talk about things which he sees as me bringing up the past and then he gets into victim talk and he starts blaming me for the fact that he hid his drinking, etc. Here he is 3 weeks after an extreme DUI, looking at possible jail time, and he still blames me for the reason that he hid his drinking.
He still justifies his lies and tries to make it seem like he's the victim of my judgmental attitudes and trust issues. I am tired of just about everything with him right now. He says he has excellent willpower and that's how he's staying away from the booze. He says that he purposely sat at the bar at his favorite beer house while on business last week and he ordered an iced tea, just to prove to himself that he can stay away from the beer.
After talking for what seems like hours, he starts saying stuff like, "I'm afraid to even go to the grocery store with you because if we walk past the booze aisle you're just sitting there judging me and wondering if I'm craving the beer." Seriously? Does he really think that or is he just trying to set me off and get me to look as crazy as he is?
I have decided to just not even talk about our relationship or about much of anything right now. He just goes about his day like everything is hunky dory, there's no rehabilitation program or counseling going on with him, and he's just doing great. I keep waiting to see what his punishment is going to be for this DUI. It's not going to be pretty and even though he says he knows this, he sure isn't acting like it. One minute he's bemoaning his plight in life and the next minute he's on top of the world and even buying stuff for himself. I guess if I was facing about $15K in DUI expenses I wouldn't be that into buying a stupid $200 chair for my office. I'd probably be tightening my belt. Anyway, I'm just frustrated with him right now. He seems to like to tell me how he doesn't think I'll ever be capable of trusting him ever again and how he would understand if I left him(victim mode here) and then the next minute he's telling me that he drank and hid it because I was so judgmental and that he had no choice. UGH, someone please tell me that I'm not the crazy one here!
I keep reciting the serenity prayer. Then I remind myself: I can't control it, I didn't cause it, and I can't cure it. The whole thing is befuddling! Hence, the reason they say that alcoholism is a baffling disease, right?[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=lizatola;3310586]So, my AH has been dry since his DUI. I keep making the mistake of trying to talk about things which he sees as me bringing up the past and then he gets into victim talk and he starts blaming me for the fact that he hid his drinking, etc. Here he is 3 weeks after an extreme DUI, looking at possible jail time, and he still blames me for the reason that he hid his drinking.
He still justifies his lies and tries to make it seem like he's the victim of my judgmental attitudes and trust issues. I am tired of just about everything with him right now. He says he has excellent willpower and that's how he's staying away from the booze. He says that he purposely sat at the bar at his favorite beer house while on business last week and he ordered an iced tea, just to prove to himself that he can stay away from the beer.
After talking for what seems like hours, he starts saying stuff like, "I'm afraid to even go to the grocery store with you because if we walk past the booze aisle you're just sitting there judging me and wondering if I'm craving the beer." Seriously? Does he really think that or is he just trying to set me off and get me to look as crazy as he is?
I have decided to just not even talk about our relationship or about much of anything right now. He just goes about his day like everything is hunky dory, there's no rehabilitation program or counseling going on with him, and he's just doing great. I keep waiting to see what his punishment is going to be for this DUI. It's not going to be pretty and even though he says he knows this, he sure isn't acting like it. One minute he's bemoaning his plight in life and the next minute he's on top of the world and even buying stuff for himself. I guess if I was facing about $15K in DUI expenses I wouldn't be that into buying a stupid $200 chair for my office. I'd probably be tightening my belt. Anyway, I'm just frustrated with him right now. He seems to like to tell me how he doesn't think I'll ever be capable of trusting him ever again and how he would understand if I left him(victim mode here) and then the next minute he's telling me that he drank and hid it because I was so judgmental and that he had no choice. UGH, someone please tell me that I'm not the crazy one here!
I keep reciting the serenity prayer. Then I remind myself: I can't control it, I didn't cause it, and I can't cure it. The whole thing is befuddling! Hence, the reason they say that alcoholism is a baffling disease, right?[/QUOTE]
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
[
Try "OH"?and walk away.
QUOTE=lizatola;3310949]Thank you, Pelican. I am going to 2 Al Anon meetings a week right now. I am going back to my therapist. And, I have been doing a ton of reading on forgiveness and trust and reading all the Al Anon materials I can. I am currently trying to find a sponsor but the 3 ladies I asked so far have turned me down.
My change is just going to be stuff like: I'm sorry you feel that way and then dropping the conversation as quick as I can or leaving the room, if appropriate. I'm trying very hard to learn new ways of communicating but also I think I need to just leave certain subjects alone because it's pretty clear that he has no desire to quit blaming me for his lies and justifications.[/QUOTE]
Try "OH"?and walk away.
QUOTE=lizatola;3310949]Thank you, Pelican. I am going to 2 Al Anon meetings a week right now. I am going back to my therapist. And, I have been doing a ton of reading on forgiveness and trust and reading all the Al Anon materials I can. I am currently trying to find a sponsor but the 3 ladies I asked so far have turned me down.
My change is just going to be stuff like: I'm sorry you feel that way and then dropping the conversation as quick as I can or leaving the room, if appropriate. I'm trying very hard to learn new ways of communicating but also I think I need to just leave certain subjects alone because it's pretty clear that he has no desire to quit blaming me for his lies and justifications.[/QUOTE]
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Yeah, I was totally surprised to see this thread resurrected today! Geez, it's showed me how far I HAVEN'T come, ugh!
Someone up the thread earlier mentioned JADE and I still find myself doing these things.
I justify my actions/previous actions from years ago since AH brings those up in counseling all the time.
I argue because I get sucked into his insane crap
I defend just as much as I justify because I always feel attacked. And, when I feel he's out to attack my character I get a little pissed off, LOL.
Explaining is something I do as a hobby, just ask my mom. I grew up having to give explanations for my actions and I guess it kind of falls into the habit of defending or justifying. I would explain why I bought a certain dish detergent to AH just because it wasn't our normal brand. I still haven't mastered techniques for handling his inquisitions over all the stupid stuff he likes to bring up.
And, in counseling the other day he told us that he doesn't want to hear all my stupid stories about who has cancer and how they're doing, what happened with my stepfather while on vacation, or what's going on with my tennis friend's game. He said I talk too much and he doesn't want to hear my sharing. He also tried to make me feel better by saying that ALL women talk too much, it's a statistic, don' t ya know? UGH, I have no idea how the marriage counselor sits there with a straight face.
Someone up the thread earlier mentioned JADE and I still find myself doing these things.
I justify my actions/previous actions from years ago since AH brings those up in counseling all the time.
I argue because I get sucked into his insane crap
I defend just as much as I justify because I always feel attacked. And, when I feel he's out to attack my character I get a little pissed off, LOL.
Explaining is something I do as a hobby, just ask my mom. I grew up having to give explanations for my actions and I guess it kind of falls into the habit of defending or justifying. I would explain why I bought a certain dish detergent to AH just because it wasn't our normal brand. I still haven't mastered techniques for handling his inquisitions over all the stupid stuff he likes to bring up.
And, in counseling the other day he told us that he doesn't want to hear all my stupid stories about who has cancer and how they're doing, what happened with my stepfather while on vacation, or what's going on with my tennis friend's game. He said I talk too much and he doesn't want to hear my sharing. He also tried to make me feel better by saying that ALL women talk too much, it's a statistic, don' t ya know? UGH, I have no idea how the marriage counselor sits there with a straight face.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Ugh and sigh Lizatola.
Originally Posted by lizatola
Yeah, I was totally surprised to see this thread resurrected today! Geez, it's showed me how far I HAVEN'T come, ugh!
Someone up the thread earlier mentioned JADE and I still find myself doing these things.
I justify my actions/previous actions from years ago since AH brings those up in counseling all the time.
I argue because I get sucked into his insane crap
I defend just as much as I justify because I always feel attacked. And, when I feel he's out to attack my character I get a little pissed off, LOL.
Explaining is something I do as a hobby, just ask my mom. I grew up having to give explanations for my actions and I guess it kind of falls into the habit of defending or justifying. I would explain why I bought a certain dish detergent to AH just because it wasn't our normal brand. I still haven't mastered techniques for handling his inquisitions over all the stupid stuff he likes to bring up.
And, in counseling the other day he told us that he doesn't want to hear all my stupid stories about who has cancer and how they're doing, what happened with my stepfather while on vacation, or what's going on with my tennis friend's game. He said I talk too much and he doesn't want to hear my sharing. He also tried to make me feel better by saying that ALL women talk too much, it's a statistic, don' t ya know? UGH, I have no idea how the marriage counselor sits there with a straight face.
Someone up the thread earlier mentioned JADE and I still find myself doing these things.
I justify my actions/previous actions from years ago since AH brings those up in counseling all the time.
I argue because I get sucked into his insane crap
I defend just as much as I justify because I always feel attacked. And, when I feel he's out to attack my character I get a little pissed off, LOL.
Explaining is something I do as a hobby, just ask my mom. I grew up having to give explanations for my actions and I guess it kind of falls into the habit of defending or justifying. I would explain why I bought a certain dish detergent to AH just because it wasn't our normal brand. I still haven't mastered techniques for handling his inquisitions over all the stupid stuff he likes to bring up.
And, in counseling the other day he told us that he doesn't want to hear all my stupid stories about who has cancer and how they're doing, what happened with my stepfather while on vacation, or what's going on with my tennis friend's game. He said I talk too much and he doesn't want to hear my sharing. He also tried to make me feel better by saying that ALL women talk too much, it's a statistic, don' t ya know? UGH, I have no idea how the marriage counselor sits there with a straight face.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I am glad that this thread was 'bumped'.
Liz you may want to go back and read this thread and then you will have a good
'item' to compare with where you are now.
Just a thought.
Love and hugs,
Liz you may want to go back and read this thread and then you will have a good
'item' to compare with where you are now.
Just a thought.
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by laurie6781
I am glad that this thread was 'bumped'.
Liz you may want to go back and read this thread and then you will have a good
'item' to compare with where you are now.
Just a thought.
Love and hugs,
Liz you may want to go back and read this thread and then you will have a good
'item' to compare with where you are now.
Just a thought.
Love and hugs,
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I guess I'm a slow learner, LOL!
all these months and putting what you can, at the moment, into practice.
One thing I thought of with your post this morning, .............................. is you do
NOT have to respond to his harangues. You have the CHOICE of deciding which con-
versations, if any, you want to participate in. Just a thought. Those conversations
deplete an awful lot of your energy, both mental and physically. Then when he
finally shuts up a simple "thanks for sharing" and get on with whatever you were
doing when he interrupted you. This will also be a big forward step for you to NOT
ENGAGE.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Lizatola,
You know what?
You are all right.
You may not have solved everything quickly, but you are always upbeat and willing to listen and take everything on board.
I am not good at that.
My situation is completely different (FOO), but I don't want to rush anything either.
Then again I don't have to live with it every day.
You know what?
You are all right.
You may not have solved everything quickly, but you are always upbeat and willing to listen and take everything on board.
I am not good at that.
My situation is completely different (FOO), but I don't want to rush anything either.
Then again I don't have to live with it every day.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I am not a big talker or sharer, never have been. My deceased husband had many women
reporting to him over the years, he once made a comment that many women suffer from "Verbal Bulemia" and listening to all the words gave him a headache, he was glad to come home and have some quiet. So, your husband is not the only man who feels that way.
Perhaps you can do your sharing with a friend or relative, might make it easier on you, as he is not interested in every detail of your day.
reporting to him over the years, he once made a comment that many women suffer from "Verbal Bulemia" and listening to all the words gave him a headache, he was glad to come home and have some quiet. So, your husband is not the only man who feels that way.
Perhaps you can do your sharing with a friend or relative, might make it easier on you, as he is not interested in every detail of your day.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by dollydo
I am not a big talker or sharer, never have been. My deceased husband had many women
reporting to him over the years, he once made a comment that many women suffer from "Verbal Bulemia" and listening to all the words gave him a headache, he was glad to come home and have some quiet. So, your husband is not the only man who feels that way.
Perhaps you can do your sharing with a friend or relative, might make it easier on you, as he is not interested in every detail of your day.
reporting to him over the years, he once made a comment that many women suffer from "Verbal Bulemia" and listening to all the words gave him a headache, he was glad to come home and have some quiet. So, your husband is not the only man who feels that way.
Perhaps you can do your sharing with a friend or relative, might make it easier on you, as he is not interested in every detail of your day.
Honestly, I find his complaint a bit like the pot calling the kettle black. His sister once asked me if I had a muzzle for AH because he wouldn't shut up. He had been going on at the dinner table for 15 minutes about the economic woes of the country and not one other person said a thing. She whispered across the table, "Hey, do you carry a muzzle around with you? You must, because I have no idea how you can listen to him like this all the time. He just doesn't stop!"
I've heard similar things from friends in Bible study, soccer coach made comments to me about my AH's wordiness, and others.
Anyway, I think I find his comments offensive because he does way more talking than I do if the topic suits him. Many times over our marriage he told me that I was like one of the guys because I didn't wear him out talking about my emotions or my baggage. When I was younger I took that as a compliment, now I see it was me shoving down my emotions to please him, to NOT bother him, and to keep the status quo.
Doesn't matter anyway, we're so dysfunctional at this point I don't know which was is right side up, LOL. There are so many issues between us, the drinking was just the icing on the cake.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
My ex accused me of not appreciating the hours we spent talking about feelings. Well, it really was him, drunk, talking about his feelings most of the time. That's why. Interesting how I can look back at it all with a clear head nowadays and realize how much of that crap was a projection.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
in one ear out the other.
try not to give into his sqwauking.
i dont know if its him trying to justify his actions, him trying to post blame so he can go back to his ways or if he truly believes what he says. point being recovery from addiction isnt just the body it is with the mind. he still has a long road ahead to get his mind on straight and i hope during that road if and when he gets there you dont take it personal.
being that the addicts words are all the same for each of us....thats just validation right there that its him.
it seems they see the glass half empty and not half full no matter tge curcumstance and him buying things which i take is as a means to cope without spending it towards booze ...he is spending it elsewhere. another strange symptom of addiction as my ah when not drinking and while drinking splurged. hopefully this dui hits him hard that its his problem not yours. meaning that he caused it alone. god willing he does.
try not to give into his sqwauking.
i dont know if its him trying to justify his actions, him trying to post blame so he can go back to his ways or if he truly believes what he says. point being recovery from addiction isnt just the body it is with the mind. he still has a long road ahead to get his mind on straight and i hope during that road if and when he gets there you dont take it personal.
being that the addicts words are all the same for each of us....thats just validation right there that its him.
it seems they see the glass half empty and not half full no matter tge curcumstance and him buying things which i take is as a means to cope without spending it towards booze ...he is spending it elsewhere. another strange symptom of addiction as my ah when not drinking and while drinking splurged. hopefully this dui hits him hard that its his problem not yours. meaning that he caused it alone. god willing he does.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
