Lost my sister 2 weeks ago
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 3
Lost my sister 2 weeks ago
Hello,
This is my first post here.
I am looking for help to understand what happened with my sister who sadly passed away two weeks ago.
Maybe if this is not the right place people could advise another thread forum.
The family is in shock as it was unexpected.
My sister has passed away at age 42, she had been drinking since her mid twenties.
She was sadly diagnosed with cancer 4/5 years ago, she also suffered with Addisons disease, and bouts of Addisons Crisis.
Up until a year ago she had a well paid job, house, car - a comfortable life in some respects.
But her drinking caused her to lose her job 12 months ago and she fell into quite heavy debt.
She seems to have just given up on her cancer treatments, I believe she was in pain - and had been slowly overdosing on Paramol and Paracetamol.
For years we knew some thing wasn't right, but it was only in the last few years did we get more of a picture of her addiction to alcohol, in fact it has only been since her death - with us picking through receipts and bank statements - has the true scale of her drinking become apparent.
As a family we were always very understanding of her, I in fact embarked to try and get a handle on what was going on in her life through calls to Al-anon, Mc Millaon and other help lines, who helped me draw up some sort of battle plan.
But my sister was very strong minded, and simply backed away at the first hint of any help.
Outside of the family she was getting some Psychiatric help and some councelling, and had tried AA, but I think she just got fed up with everyone poking her and advising her - she thought better and rejected all advice, and thought that she could just go on as she was.
She kept it all from us, me, her mum and dad, her employer (for many years until she was sacked).
Sadly though her body gave up, or so I assume.
I fear she died feeling shame at her redundancy, debt and alcohol addiction, just seems such a sad way to go.
None of our family has an alcohol issue, and so its hard for us to understand what she was/has done to herself.
She passed away on her own, no contact with friends, only her family offering care and attention in her last months/weeks.
Excuse my confused questions - but thats exactly what we are - just confused, how could my sister go down that route in life, end up drinking 3/4/5 bottles of wine over 24 hours, repeatedly for 2/3 days on the trott, then do a whole bottle of vodka at the end of it - then spending days being incredibly ill vomiting,then repeated after she recovered - a continuous cycle - - its almost like it was poison - but she demanded it like a normal person requires food and water.
How can a substance be so 'in demand' - yet end up crippling your life, and eventually causing your ultimate demise.
I dont think alcohol was 100% the cause of death (the coroner has yet to draw his conclusions), but that was the substance that played with her mind and took her off the straight and narrow.
If any one has direction for me to read up on, or words of wisdom I would be happy to hear.
Thanks
This is my first post here.
I am looking for help to understand what happened with my sister who sadly passed away two weeks ago.
Maybe if this is not the right place people could advise another thread forum.
The family is in shock as it was unexpected.
My sister has passed away at age 42, she had been drinking since her mid twenties.
She was sadly diagnosed with cancer 4/5 years ago, she also suffered with Addisons disease, and bouts of Addisons Crisis.
Up until a year ago she had a well paid job, house, car - a comfortable life in some respects.
But her drinking caused her to lose her job 12 months ago and she fell into quite heavy debt.
She seems to have just given up on her cancer treatments, I believe she was in pain - and had been slowly overdosing on Paramol and Paracetamol.
For years we knew some thing wasn't right, but it was only in the last few years did we get more of a picture of her addiction to alcohol, in fact it has only been since her death - with us picking through receipts and bank statements - has the true scale of her drinking become apparent.
As a family we were always very understanding of her, I in fact embarked to try and get a handle on what was going on in her life through calls to Al-anon, Mc Millaon and other help lines, who helped me draw up some sort of battle plan.
But my sister was very strong minded, and simply backed away at the first hint of any help.
Outside of the family she was getting some Psychiatric help and some councelling, and had tried AA, but I think she just got fed up with everyone poking her and advising her - she thought better and rejected all advice, and thought that she could just go on as she was.
She kept it all from us, me, her mum and dad, her employer (for many years until she was sacked).
Sadly though her body gave up, or so I assume.
I fear she died feeling shame at her redundancy, debt and alcohol addiction, just seems such a sad way to go.
None of our family has an alcohol issue, and so its hard for us to understand what she was/has done to herself.
She passed away on her own, no contact with friends, only her family offering care and attention in her last months/weeks.
Excuse my confused questions - but thats exactly what we are - just confused, how could my sister go down that route in life, end up drinking 3/4/5 bottles of wine over 24 hours, repeatedly for 2/3 days on the trott, then do a whole bottle of vodka at the end of it - then spending days being incredibly ill vomiting,then repeated after she recovered - a continuous cycle - - its almost like it was poison - but she demanded it like a normal person requires food and water.
How can a substance be so 'in demand' - yet end up crippling your life, and eventually causing your ultimate demise.
I dont think alcohol was 100% the cause of death (the coroner has yet to draw his conclusions), but that was the substance that played with her mind and took her off the straight and narrow.
If any one has direction for me to read up on, or words of wisdom I would be happy to hear.
Thanks
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Hi Bob --
I'm so, so sorry for your loss. There is a lot of wisdom and experience here on these boards, so please poke around and see what you can find. Read the stickies at the top because it may help you piece together what truth you're looking for.
One of the most important things that helped me understand the mechanics and brain chemistry of drug and alcohol addiction was this series from HBO: HBO: Addiction If you click here, you can watch many of the most important segments for free.
The psychology of the disease and how it affects those around the addict is a bit more sticky. Again, hang out and ask questions, read and look for patterns. What always surprises me is how similar all of our stories are.
I'm so, so sorry for your loss. There is a lot of wisdom and experience here on these boards, so please poke around and see what you can find. Read the stickies at the top because it may help you piece together what truth you're looking for.
One of the most important things that helped me understand the mechanics and brain chemistry of drug and alcohol addiction was this series from HBO: HBO: Addiction If you click here, you can watch many of the most important segments for free.
The psychology of the disease and how it affects those around the addict is a bit more sticky. Again, hang out and ask questions, read and look for patterns. What always surprises me is how similar all of our stories are.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Hi Bob and welcome to SR. I am very sorry for your loss. It just boggles the mind, doesn't it?
There are a lot of great resources here, in AA and Al-Anon, in books, shows (as Florence mentioned above) and all over the internet. But I am not sure the answers will ever be completely fulfilled, because everyone's story is different. I am sure you'd like to simply ask her "why"?
Prayers to you and your family. Alcoholism/addictions are hard to understand for those who do not have them. I found some of the best advice from the mouths of recovering alcoholics in the rooms of AA.
Take good care,
~T
There are a lot of great resources here, in AA and Al-Anon, in books, shows (as Florence mentioned above) and all over the internet. But I am not sure the answers will ever be completely fulfilled, because everyone's story is different. I am sure you'd like to simply ask her "why"?
Prayers to you and your family. Alcoholism/addictions are hard to understand for those who do not have them. I found some of the best advice from the mouths of recovering alcoholics in the rooms of AA.
Take good care,
~T
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Hi Bob .... how very,, very sad. My heart goes out to you and your family. One source I use and trust is HBO's "Addiction", a series which ran on TV and us free for everyone. This explains what addiction is, how it happens. I certainly relate to wanting some answers.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family Bob!
My sincere sympathy to you and all who loved your sister.
I hope you will stick around and do some reading as well as continue posting your questions. We are here to support you.
I think one of the most helpful resources for me was a book titled "Under the Influence". It helped me wrap my head around how a person becomes addicted to alcohol. How the addiction isn't just a craving for a glass of wine, but an addiction that has every cell of the body and brain screaming for more, more, more.
We have a post here at SR which contains excerpts from the book "Under the Influence" and I will share the link with you:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
My sincere sympathy to you and all who loved your sister.
I hope you will stick around and do some reading as well as continue posting your questions. We are here to support you.
I think one of the most helpful resources for me was a book titled "Under the Influence". It helped me wrap my head around how a person becomes addicted to alcohol. How the addiction isn't just a craving for a glass of wine, but an addiction that has every cell of the body and brain screaming for more, more, more.
We have a post here at SR which contains excerpts from the book "Under the Influence" and I will share the link with you:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Bob))) - Welcome to SR, though I am so sorry for what has brought you here.
I'm a recovering addict, I have loved ones who are still active in addiction. My last bf and I shared a crack addiction. I chose recovery, he did not. A couple years later, he died. Even knowing how I was obsessed with my addiction, I still had "why?" questions. Why could I find recovery and he couldn't?
To those of you who have never been an addict, the "why's" are even stronger, and I'm sorry. I can only tell you that when I was using, that's all I cared about. I didn't intentionally hurt those who love me, I just didn't think about it. The few times I did, my first reaction was "GET NUMB" and forget. It feels entirely personal, but it's not. I didn't use "at" anyone, I used because that's all my mind could think of.
I didn't quit when I lost my career, I didn't quit when I got locked up, I didn't quit when I was nearly killed out on the streets. I quit when the consequences got bad enough, but my ex bf? Even that wasn't enough.
Hugs and prayers to you and your family,
Amy
I'm a recovering addict, I have loved ones who are still active in addiction. My last bf and I shared a crack addiction. I chose recovery, he did not. A couple years later, he died. Even knowing how I was obsessed with my addiction, I still had "why?" questions. Why could I find recovery and he couldn't?
To those of you who have never been an addict, the "why's" are even stronger, and I'm sorry. I can only tell you that when I was using, that's all I cared about. I didn't intentionally hurt those who love me, I just didn't think about it. The few times I did, my first reaction was "GET NUMB" and forget. It feels entirely personal, but it's not. I didn't use "at" anyone, I used because that's all my mind could think of.
I didn't quit when I lost my career, I didn't quit when I got locked up, I didn't quit when I was nearly killed out on the streets. I quit when the consequences got bad enough, but my ex bf? Even that wasn't enough.
Hugs and prayers to you and your family,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Portland OR
Posts: 280
I'm so very sorry for your loss, my sincere sympathies for you and your whole family.
If ever there was a more baffling disease than alcoholism, I'm not sure what it is. I came here with those same confused, terrible questions. How could this be? Where did the person go that I thought I knew? How can they make these terrible decisions?
Pull up a chair and spend some time here. My time in Al Anon and here have given me back my life and stopped the terrible suffering of why? A wise alcoholic (in recovery) offered this to me, and I offer it to you in hopes it can help you find some peace.
He said: "Imagine you are in the water and something pushes your head under. You would fight with every ounce of strength you have, as hard as you could, to get to the surface to get a breath of air. In your struggle, the thought of your kids, your family, your spouse, your career, your friends ....not only would not be of concern, but they would not even cross your mind. All your effort would be directed, to get to the surface. That is what it feels like to the addict. Getting to that next drink is like that. In our diseased thinking, we think that drink is our "air"...and we'll fight tooth and nail and sacrifice everything to get it."
Wow....imagine what that must be like. Bless the alcoholics who come here to help us try to understand. My heart goes out to you....I hope this helped in some small way.
If ever there was a more baffling disease than alcoholism, I'm not sure what it is. I came here with those same confused, terrible questions. How could this be? Where did the person go that I thought I knew? How can they make these terrible decisions?
Pull up a chair and spend some time here. My time in Al Anon and here have given me back my life and stopped the terrible suffering of why? A wise alcoholic (in recovery) offered this to me, and I offer it to you in hopes it can help you find some peace.
He said: "Imagine you are in the water and something pushes your head under. You would fight with every ounce of strength you have, as hard as you could, to get to the surface to get a breath of air. In your struggle, the thought of your kids, your family, your spouse, your career, your friends ....not only would not be of concern, but they would not even cross your mind. All your effort would be directed, to get to the surface. That is what it feels like to the addict. Getting to that next drink is like that. In our diseased thinking, we think that drink is our "air"...and we'll fight tooth and nail and sacrifice everything to get it."
Wow....imagine what that must be like. Bless the alcoholics who come here to help us try to understand. My heart goes out to you....I hope this helped in some small way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 3
Thank you all for your replies.
The family is still trying to answer so many questions, why she stepped out of our lives - walking around one minute - gone the next, we cant understand it.
We knew she had cancer, so maybe their is no simple answer.
I have ordered the book 'Under the Influence', and veiwed a few of the HBO films, but I think the book looks quite good, I will be back maybe once I have read that, hopefully it will answer some questions.
One of the bigger questions is, maybe we could have done more to stop her drinking - I know I tried, I would have gone into battle with her to do it, but maybe she would have simply run away.
The family is still trying to answer so many questions, why she stepped out of our lives - walking around one minute - gone the next, we cant understand it.
We knew she had cancer, so maybe their is no simple answer.
I have ordered the book 'Under the Influence', and veiwed a few of the HBO films, but I think the book looks quite good, I will be back maybe once I have read that, hopefully it will answer some questions.
One of the bigger questions is, maybe we could have done more to stop her drinking - I know I tried, I would have gone into battle with her to do it, but maybe she would have simply run away.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Bob5789 
One of the bigger questions is, maybe we could have done more to stop her drinking - I know I tried, I would have gone into battle with her to do it, but maybe she would have simply run away.
I had to hit a bottom, and it was one very close to death.
I also have a long list of alcoholic relatives on both sides of the family who died from the disease, including both of my dad's parents who died within a year of each other while in their 40's.
I never got to know them as grandparents as they were already gone several years before I was even born.
I am so incredibly sorry for your profound loss, and understand all the unanswered questions that you have.
I hope you continue to post and know that you are among friends who care very much.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hi Bob,
So sorry to hear of your family's loss.
Being so new to alcoholism it is a normal response to wonder the "what ifs" and if the outcome might have been different. What if we had done a formal intervention or had a court order forcing her into rehab... etc...
As someone who is regularly involved in forced interventions through the criminal process as well just ending a four year relationship with an alcoholic who was a chronic relapser I can speak with experience that alcoholics that are coerced, forced and even court ordered into rehab or recovery do not have permanent sobriety in most cases.
In my own situation with my XA I was the rock of support and in hindsight forced his sobriety in between relapses but it was never real recovery or relief for him because he really didn't want to quit drinking in his core being and he never settled the issue forever.
In the back of his mind he knew he wanted to drink again and that he would...someday.
This is where the battlefield is... it is in the mind. The brains of alcoholics are no longer a mystery as they have been able to image brains with all kinds of sophisticated equipment as well as numerous studies who have confirmed what real alcoholics always knew... this is a powerful and deadly illness with physical, emotional, mental and spiritual dimensions and it must be fought on all fronts by the alcoholic themselves.
My A relapsed after four years of my pouring my every amount of energy and resources into "saving him" from himself. A "true alcoholic" by AA standards he would drink himself into toxic levels (over 50% alcohol many times) and once they told him he had chunks of tissue in his blood from his insane alcohol consumption. He would drink to complete blackout and always some horrible catastrophe or event would end the destructive binge... I always feared the worse that he would die! I used to even have vivid dreams... simply horrible for me because I felt I was the only one who could "save him" (messiah complex).
But the truth is I cannot save anyone. No one can. I poured countless hours, days, years and cried buckets of tears. I supported him through 4 rehab stints, years of counseling, 3 jail visits, a criminal case, probation, battles with his ex-wife over her emotional abuse of his children, more lawyers for that... on and on and on.
And miraculously... or so it seemed... he was getting his life together... sober, making a good living, got his dream house, reestablished a relationship with his entire family including his children.
I noted that he was neglecting his spiritual condition, not staying connected with his sponsor, quit going to meetings and then his probation ended...
And he not only drank but went on a bender and I won't even list all of the things that he did because they were simply unbelievable... shocking, horrific and simply crazy. He is now in Las Vegas drinking 24/7 and is totally neglecting his businesses and simply dropped contact with his kids after years of trying to rebuild relationships with him.
So... I am sharing this with you to let you know that had you spent every minute of everday completely and utterly focused on "saving your sister" as I have done it would have only been an illusion. You might have felt some relief because you are "doing something" and being type A that is always something that I am driven to do.
But the A will only resent your interference or manipulate you to help them achieve their goals... usually enabling to continue drinking while making empty promises of quitting someday. Contorting ourselves into pretzels only makes us sick too... it is a family disease!
It was a hard lesson for me and quite frankly it took a year and half of alanon, lots and lots of reading of books, individual counseling to get to the place to lovingly detach from my A and allow him to work out his own recovery and life choices. I simply informed me of my own boundaries... they would be alcohol free forever.
It is hard to accept that he will either live or die in Las Vegas. That I am powerless to change who is at his center, his core, his being. He has to find the will to fight the disease, the demon of alcohol that he chooses to follow instead of his HP whom he chose to leave by the way side many, many months ago.
I don't what you believe spiritually but it helps me to know that His creator, His HP knows where he is and what he needs in the now... this very minute. He can protect him and provide a divine appointment with someone who can speak into his life if he is ready. Or he can allow him to reap what he has sown and it may cause his death whether it be his being hit by a car on the strip in Vegas (when blacked out he crosses whereever and has already had a car almost cream him) or alcohol poisoning one time too many. His HP knows his future and I have turned him over into His care.
This site is filled with hundreds, even thousands of stories of loved ones of alcoholics whose stories are eerily similar to mine. Years and years, decades of anquish trying to change an alcoholic who doesn't want to change. It simply does not work...they have to want sobriety and recovery MORE than they personally want to drink. They have to be WILLING to daily do the very, very hard, hard work of real recovery. It requires a psychic change and a complete overhaul of ones thinking and actions.
Your sister made it clear she had no interest. It is highly unlikely that anything you or anyone else did would have changed the outcome.
I could get the news any day that he is dead and I will be very sad but not surprised. But if I flew to Vegas and found him and rescused him he would just sober up for awhile until he decided he wanted to drink again. How do I know... I already rescued him twice before in Vegas (stupid me). So... we can influence some outcomes... we can delay death in some cases... while making ourselves very, very crazy and sick trying to stop a roaring freight train barreling down the tracks out of control! It simply does not work.
It is so very, very sad. Please try to find a good counselor who understands addiction it will be a wonderful gift to you and your family. Come and visit here often... we care.
So sorry to hear of your family's loss.
Being so new to alcoholism it is a normal response to wonder the "what ifs" and if the outcome might have been different. What if we had done a formal intervention or had a court order forcing her into rehab... etc...
As someone who is regularly involved in forced interventions through the criminal process as well just ending a four year relationship with an alcoholic who was a chronic relapser I can speak with experience that alcoholics that are coerced, forced and even court ordered into rehab or recovery do not have permanent sobriety in most cases.
In my own situation with my XA I was the rock of support and in hindsight forced his sobriety in between relapses but it was never real recovery or relief for him because he really didn't want to quit drinking in his core being and he never settled the issue forever.
In the back of his mind he knew he wanted to drink again and that he would...someday.
This is where the battlefield is... it is in the mind. The brains of alcoholics are no longer a mystery as they have been able to image brains with all kinds of sophisticated equipment as well as numerous studies who have confirmed what real alcoholics always knew... this is a powerful and deadly illness with physical, emotional, mental and spiritual dimensions and it must be fought on all fronts by the alcoholic themselves.
My A relapsed after four years of my pouring my every amount of energy and resources into "saving him" from himself. A "true alcoholic" by AA standards he would drink himself into toxic levels (over 50% alcohol many times) and once they told him he had chunks of tissue in his blood from his insane alcohol consumption. He would drink to complete blackout and always some horrible catastrophe or event would end the destructive binge... I always feared the worse that he would die! I used to even have vivid dreams... simply horrible for me because I felt I was the only one who could "save him" (messiah complex).
But the truth is I cannot save anyone. No one can. I poured countless hours, days, years and cried buckets of tears. I supported him through 4 rehab stints, years of counseling, 3 jail visits, a criminal case, probation, battles with his ex-wife over her emotional abuse of his children, more lawyers for that... on and on and on.
And miraculously... or so it seemed... he was getting his life together... sober, making a good living, got his dream house, reestablished a relationship with his entire family including his children.
I noted that he was neglecting his spiritual condition, not staying connected with his sponsor, quit going to meetings and then his probation ended...
And he not only drank but went on a bender and I won't even list all of the things that he did because they were simply unbelievable... shocking, horrific and simply crazy. He is now in Las Vegas drinking 24/7 and is totally neglecting his businesses and simply dropped contact with his kids after years of trying to rebuild relationships with him.
So... I am sharing this with you to let you know that had you spent every minute of everday completely and utterly focused on "saving your sister" as I have done it would have only been an illusion. You might have felt some relief because you are "doing something" and being type A that is always something that I am driven to do.
But the A will only resent your interference or manipulate you to help them achieve their goals... usually enabling to continue drinking while making empty promises of quitting someday. Contorting ourselves into pretzels only makes us sick too... it is a family disease!
It was a hard lesson for me and quite frankly it took a year and half of alanon, lots and lots of reading of books, individual counseling to get to the place to lovingly detach from my A and allow him to work out his own recovery and life choices. I simply informed me of my own boundaries... they would be alcohol free forever.
It is hard to accept that he will either live or die in Las Vegas. That I am powerless to change who is at his center, his core, his being. He has to find the will to fight the disease, the demon of alcohol that he chooses to follow instead of his HP whom he chose to leave by the way side many, many months ago.
I don't what you believe spiritually but it helps me to know that His creator, His HP knows where he is and what he needs in the now... this very minute. He can protect him and provide a divine appointment with someone who can speak into his life if he is ready. Or he can allow him to reap what he has sown and it may cause his death whether it be his being hit by a car on the strip in Vegas (when blacked out he crosses whereever and has already had a car almost cream him) or alcohol poisoning one time too many. His HP knows his future and I have turned him over into His care.
This site is filled with hundreds, even thousands of stories of loved ones of alcoholics whose stories are eerily similar to mine. Years and years, decades of anquish trying to change an alcoholic who doesn't want to change. It simply does not work...they have to want sobriety and recovery MORE than they personally want to drink. They have to be WILLING to daily do the very, very hard, hard work of real recovery. It requires a psychic change and a complete overhaul of ones thinking and actions.
Your sister made it clear she had no interest. It is highly unlikely that anything you or anyone else did would have changed the outcome.
I could get the news any day that he is dead and I will be very sad but not surprised. But if I flew to Vegas and found him and rescused him he would just sober up for awhile until he decided he wanted to drink again. How do I know... I already rescued him twice before in Vegas (stupid me). So... we can influence some outcomes... we can delay death in some cases... while making ourselves very, very crazy and sick trying to stop a roaring freight train barreling down the tracks out of control! It simply does not work.
It is so very, very sad. Please try to find a good counselor who understands addiction it will be a wonderful gift to you and your family. Come and visit here often... we care.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Alcohol is just that, poison. Disguised in many
forms and yet it's like a vine as it continued to
grow inside me. Until I cut it at the root then
it continued to twist and intwine its vine in my
life, my body, my mine, my soul.
I had no control and was completely powerless
over trying to stop it from growing and destroying
me until intevention took place by those who
cared enough to help me when i couldnt help
myself.
That was 21 yrs ago with a 28 day rehab stay
recieving the tools and knowledge of my addiction
to alcohol.
No, im not cured. The root of my addiction is dormat
and has been since August 11, 1990 with a full day
without alcohol in my system. As long as I don't feed
the root, fertilize it with a drink of alcohol, it will
remain dormat. Asleep.
If i was to feed it today, that root would wake up, grow
wild inside me, till it's vines are so tight within me that
it snuffs out the life within me. Strangling me to death.
Today, I have the continued willingness to not feed the
vine because for the past 21 yrs sober free, life has been
a joy and blessing. For today, i look forward to a continued
sober life vine free.
Alcohol is CUNNING-BAFFLING-POWERFUL
forms and yet it's like a vine as it continued to
grow inside me. Until I cut it at the root then
it continued to twist and intwine its vine in my
life, my body, my mine, my soul.
I had no control and was completely powerless
over trying to stop it from growing and destroying
me until intevention took place by those who
cared enough to help me when i couldnt help
myself.
That was 21 yrs ago with a 28 day rehab stay
recieving the tools and knowledge of my addiction
to alcohol.
No, im not cured. The root of my addiction is dormat
and has been since August 11, 1990 with a full day
without alcohol in my system. As long as I don't feed
the root, fertilize it with a drink of alcohol, it will
remain dormat. Asleep.
If i was to feed it today, that root would wake up, grow
wild inside me, till it's vines are so tight within me that
it snuffs out the life within me. Strangling me to death.
Today, I have the continued willingness to not feed the
vine because for the past 21 yrs sober free, life has been
a joy and blessing. For today, i look forward to a continued
sober life vine free.
Alcohol is CUNNING-BAFFLING-POWERFUL
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((Bob))))) I am so sorry that I missed this thread when you first started it!
Sending out prayers and good thoughts to you and your family across the pond.
Some really GREAT responses above ^^^^^. I can only add, as sober alcoholic, sober for over 30+ years, that had anyone tried what you propose I would have run away and I did, when I was given 'the boundary' by my family and friends, that 'they would no longer welcome me in their homes, that if I called, they would hang up, if I came to the door it would be shut in my face, and if I stole from them the police would be called. They also said it was my problem, and they did not want to hear from me, until I had fixed my problem, no more bail outs, no more rent or utility money, no more food money, etc no more money PERIOD.
I did run away, all the way from Florida to California. They did this in January of '79 and I found sobriety in June of '81, the last 1 1/2 years of my drinking I wa homeless, living on the streets of Hollywood.
No reason for guilt, as Hope has said, you did what you could and I would suspect privately that sub consciously you are thinking that 'more would have been better', and my answer is NO is would not have been.
*The VERY BEST THING MY PARENTS EVER DID FOR ME was to turn their back on me!
Please keep posting and let us know how you are feeling as we do care very much!
Love and hugs,
Sending out prayers and good thoughts to you and your family across the pond.
One of the bigger questions is, maybe we could have done more to stop her drinking - I know I tried, I would have gone into battle with her to do it, but maybe she would have simply run away.
I did run away, all the way from Florida to California. They did this in January of '79 and I found sobriety in June of '81, the last 1 1/2 years of my drinking I wa homeless, living on the streets of Hollywood.
No reason for guilt, as Hope has said, you did what you could and I would suspect privately that sub consciously you are thinking that 'more would have been better', and my answer is NO is would not have been.
*The VERY BEST THING MY PARENTS EVER DID FOR ME was to turn their back on me!
Please keep posting and let us know how you are feeling as we do care very much!
Love and hugs,
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Hi Bob,
I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your sister. Alcoholism is a powerful and baffling disease. It's horrible in how it affects the person and also all those around who love that person.
I hope you're able to find some answers here - and more importantly, to know that you are among friends who understand your pain, your confusion and frustrations. I found help reading the "stickies" at the top of the forum pages, and also from attending Al Anon.
Prayers of comfort and love to you and your family and all who loved your sister.
I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your sister. Alcoholism is a powerful and baffling disease. It's horrible in how it affects the person and also all those around who love that person.
I hope you're able to find some answers here - and more importantly, to know that you are among friends who understand your pain, your confusion and frustrations. I found help reading the "stickies" at the top of the forum pages, and also from attending Al Anon.
Prayers of comfort and love to you and your family and all who loved your sister.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 146
I'm sorry you lost your sister to this disease. I know what it feels like to lose someone due to alcohol. I'd suggest reading "Under The Influence". It will give you a clear picture as to what happens with alcohol addiction and how some people are effected by it more than others. It cleared a lot up for me as to what happens when addiction sets in.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 3
Thank you all for your replies, your opinions and guidance have been very helpful, it has helped me come to terms with things a little, the death and loss of a close family member is a terrible thing.
I am almost at the end of the book 'Under The Influence', wow - that has put so much in perspective and helped join quite a few dots, understanding my sisters life and behaviour as an alcoholic, I think more than anything or anyone that book has uncovered the mystery of my sisters life.
How clever my sister was, none of us knew the extent of her addiction, how well she seemed to function and keep it hidden, and sadly - until reading the book we dealt with it how anyone would who was not educated to this disease would act, we tried to understand, put boundaries in, denied it at times to keep the peace, picked her up when she fell down, tried to help her work out what was wrong with her, but now I realise she was not responsible for how she behaved.
It is sad I learn all this now it is too late, but we put our faith in the professionals of our national health service, but all they did was offer her psychiatric help, which only heightened her great sense of shame.
I think she tried Antabuse - but she really needed inpatient care.
I also feel that her Cancer was the result of her drinking, 15 years ago she was sectioned for a week in a psychiatric ward after an episode, they may even have prescribed anti depressants - how wrong, why didn't the health service do what needed to be done ? I just dont understand how this gapping hole in treatment is not provided, as her close family why were we not involved.
In the last two years of her life I tried to get a greater understanding, I spent a good while on the phone to AL-ANON, AA, Macmillan and other helplines, but looking back they just suggested 'putting in boundaries', 'letting her hit rock bottom' and no mention of this very informative book. Ironically my father suggested my efforts were in vain, and I just put it all down, if I'd kept going I would have come to this book.
The book suggests a malfunction in the liver, are there not tests that can be performed to diagnose people with this liver deficiency ?
My sister was taking a lot of Paracetamol and Paramol, I can only assume to help deal with the more advanced stages of the diseases withdrawal.
It was so sad, she had lost her job, but for a year had kept up a charade - but had got into terrible debt. I think with all that time on her hands, and with us unaware of the real situation drink took its final tight grip around my sister.
How can the whole of society be so misguided about this disease ?
I spoke to my sisters 'counsellor' after my sisters death, I was placated by pleasantries and faux expressions of understanding, but deep down despite her lack of forthcoming, she knew nothing of the disease, no wonder my sister felt angry after her 'therapy' sessions, it only served to stir deep feelings of resentment, that maybe all around her didn't understand what she was going through.
I want so much to guide and advise others ... my sisters death came completely out of the blue, none of us expected this, my sisters alcoholism - looking back now having read the book, I feel was well entrenched by her mid to late 20's, so as long ago as 15 years, we should have been made more aware and could then have taken preventative action.
Is there an organisation that lobbies government (UK) regarding the treatment of alcoholics.
I am almost at the end of the book 'Under The Influence', wow - that has put so much in perspective and helped join quite a few dots, understanding my sisters life and behaviour as an alcoholic, I think more than anything or anyone that book has uncovered the mystery of my sisters life.
How clever my sister was, none of us knew the extent of her addiction, how well she seemed to function and keep it hidden, and sadly - until reading the book we dealt with it how anyone would who was not educated to this disease would act, we tried to understand, put boundaries in, denied it at times to keep the peace, picked her up when she fell down, tried to help her work out what was wrong with her, but now I realise she was not responsible for how she behaved.
It is sad I learn all this now it is too late, but we put our faith in the professionals of our national health service, but all they did was offer her psychiatric help, which only heightened her great sense of shame.
I think she tried Antabuse - but she really needed inpatient care.
I also feel that her Cancer was the result of her drinking, 15 years ago she was sectioned for a week in a psychiatric ward after an episode, they may even have prescribed anti depressants - how wrong, why didn't the health service do what needed to be done ? I just dont understand how this gapping hole in treatment is not provided, as her close family why were we not involved.
In the last two years of her life I tried to get a greater understanding, I spent a good while on the phone to AL-ANON, AA, Macmillan and other helplines, but looking back they just suggested 'putting in boundaries', 'letting her hit rock bottom' and no mention of this very informative book. Ironically my father suggested my efforts were in vain, and I just put it all down, if I'd kept going I would have come to this book.
The book suggests a malfunction in the liver, are there not tests that can be performed to diagnose people with this liver deficiency ?
My sister was taking a lot of Paracetamol and Paramol, I can only assume to help deal with the more advanced stages of the diseases withdrawal.
It was so sad, she had lost her job, but for a year had kept up a charade - but had got into terrible debt. I think with all that time on her hands, and with us unaware of the real situation drink took its final tight grip around my sister.
How can the whole of society be so misguided about this disease ?
I spoke to my sisters 'counsellor' after my sisters death, I was placated by pleasantries and faux expressions of understanding, but deep down despite her lack of forthcoming, she knew nothing of the disease, no wonder my sister felt angry after her 'therapy' sessions, it only served to stir deep feelings of resentment, that maybe all around her didn't understand what she was going through.
I want so much to guide and advise others ... my sisters death came completely out of the blue, none of us expected this, my sisters alcoholism - looking back now having read the book, I feel was well entrenched by her mid to late 20's, so as long ago as 15 years, we should have been made more aware and could then have taken preventative action.
Is there an organisation that lobbies government (UK) regarding the treatment of alcoholics.
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