ODAT63

I guess my curiosity is about what changes in an alcoholic's relationship once they are sober? I was started to go to al anon and oldest son got married, next thing I know on his one year sober anniversary he said "I want a divorce". Almost two years since then and NO contact with A, I am wondering if he has remorse? He did get drunk after 9 months of he leaving and now I know he is actively dating.

He has no contact with his stepchildren and they do not necessarily miss him, but it hurts me that the only "father figure" they knew abandoned them. It is this normal in sobriety or is he drinking again?

Any takes on this? BTW I am an active member of al anon, over two years now but I still struggle with his behaviour!!

ODAT63

That is something I never thought about, he did raised my two boys but he also did abandom his only daughter when she was 3 years old. It was not until last year that he actually got in touch with her, just to leave her again (she is 30 now).

Thanks, that makes sense now!

Cyranoak

Move on. You are still condependant on him. Discuss this with your sponsor, live your own life, let him live his, and move on. It is not normal you are still obsessing over him.

All sobriety does is allow people to face their lives and problems while sober. It doesn't necessarily solve them, it doesn't end marriages, and it doesn't save marriages.

Cyranoak

NYCDoglvr

There is no "normal" recovering alcoholic ... everyone is different. I will tell you alcoholics have a very difficult time having relationships at all. The most important thing is that you move on to a new life. Of course letting go is difficult, it's a process, but boy is it worth the struggle.

inpieces314

I think it is hard enough to be in a relationship if you are perfectly normal (if anyone has a definition for that) without also worrying about either being an addict or being with an addict or being codependent or being (or trying to be) sober.

It's hard enough without all that extra BS. I really think a lot of relationships fall apart because the impact of both the addiction and everything else is too much.

That's where I am at, at least. I can handle either the addiction, or the regular relationship stuff, but I am very quickly finding out that I can't do both at the same time.

choublak

Why are you still struggling with his behavior? Because you don't understand it? Sometimes, people behave irrationally, alcoholic or not, and it just isn't meant to be understood. Some things just have no answer.

ODAT63

I agree "what is normal", I loved him so much for so long, and when I finally accepted his alcoholism, he gets sober and leave..I guess there is not for better or worse in an alcoholic side of the relationship.
I am moving on and reading SR has been a real blessing.
I know he is popular dating, he is a good looking man and has a nice job, however, he is an alcoholic, Do woman ever care to ask the x's dates about them.
I told my boyfriend I wanted to hear the other side of the story and he say..here are the names go and ask them, he was honest about it too.
my xah is 56 and lost his only loving family and everything we built together, I liked him a lot more drunk then sober.
Oh well, yes I am still a codependant..just keep going to my meetings, reading, praying, this will end one day right?

Threshold

ODAT,

I am a recovering addict, and I've contemplated sharing what it's like from THAT side of a relationship, but like Choublak said, what's the point?

In the end the only answer is to take care of yourself, detach and move on. Why another does what they do doesn't change what WE must do. My NON alcoholic husband is doing some things that I cannot understand, but trying to figure out his mind would just sap my energy and get me NO further in my own life or recovery.

Keep on working on YOU in al-anon. Because YOU are an investment that you can benefit from for the rest of your life. Even in al-anon, it is possible for us to be still focusing on them, trying to understand them, hoping that we will learn some trick or way to live with them. So perhaps be mindful of that and make sure you are truly there for you and your own future independent of him.

If you do that, truly detach your happiness and well being from whatever he does or does not do, then yes it WILL get better.