Dating an Alcoholic
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 3
Dating an Alcoholic
Hi-
My boyfriend and I have decided to try to work things out after a year of breakup. We were together for 5 years prior to that. I am now concerned about his drinking and is seeking some knowledge from someone with similar experiences. He knows that he is an alcoholic but he's not concerned about it because in his mind, it's okay to be an functioning alcoholic.He pays his bills, he goes to work, and he keeps his place decent. He drinks everyday when he comes home and needs it or else he cannot go to sleep. HE can't only have one or two because the purpose of his drinking is to get a buzz and he will drink until he does. His tolerance has increased dramatically. He can drink a whole liter of wine like its water. I confronted him last week but he thinks I am judging him. He thinks I am saying that alcoholism is bad because of what society tells me that it's bad. He has a DUI and has gotten in trouble prior to that but was dismissed. I am just afraid this will only get worst and would bring up the future and starting a family but just keep making it seem like I am uptight and over thinking things. I don't have anything against drinking.I am a social drinker, probably drink once a week or every two week. I am not telling him that drinking is bad. Am I just overthinking things just because I barely drink>
My boyfriend and I have decided to try to work things out after a year of breakup. We were together for 5 years prior to that. I am now concerned about his drinking and is seeking some knowledge from someone with similar experiences. He knows that he is an alcoholic but he's not concerned about it because in his mind, it's okay to be an functioning alcoholic.He pays his bills, he goes to work, and he keeps his place decent. He drinks everyday when he comes home and needs it or else he cannot go to sleep. HE can't only have one or two because the purpose of his drinking is to get a buzz and he will drink until he does. His tolerance has increased dramatically. He can drink a whole liter of wine like its water. I confronted him last week but he thinks I am judging him. He thinks I am saying that alcoholism is bad because of what society tells me that it's bad. He has a DUI and has gotten in trouble prior to that but was dismissed. I am just afraid this will only get worst and would bring up the future and starting a family but just keep making it seem like I am uptight and over thinking things. I don't have anything against drinking.I am a social drinker, probably drink once a week or every two week. I am not telling him that drinking is bad. Am I just overthinking things just because I barely drink>
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
He knows that he is an alcoholic but he's not concerned about it because in his mind, it's okay to be an functioning alcoholic
functioning
He cannot sleep without drinking, he drinks until at least he has a buzz.
Increased tolerance. He calls it "judging" I call it a pink elephant in the living room, problem is still there.
Yes, society does think being an alcoholic is bad, especially when the drinker has convinced himself he is "functioning" He has already had a DUI and another problem that was dismissed.
It will get worse, way worse, until he gets serious about recovery. So far, you have described someone who is only wanting to keep drinking.
Can you live like this? With his functioning himself out of a regular life?
And starting a family? Please don't consider that until he gets treatment and gets real about it. I had an alcoholic for my father, and I still pay (at age 52) today for some of the pain and abandonment by him. Drunks cannot be parents.
Beth
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. This is a wonderful resource of support and information.
I was married to an active alcoholic. He was functional, sort of. He went to work daily, but drank every night. He drank all day on his day off. He got to the point where he began to loose control of his body functions at night (vomitting, diarrhea and pissing the bed). But he was still functioning.
Believe me: Alcoholism is progressive. It gets worse.
In addition to the above listed physical problems, there was the minimizing (making everything I thought seem insignificant - not valid), blame-shifting (it was always someone else's responsibility), lies, denials, lies, and financial disasters (always money available for booze - not always available for bills)
I came to SR and started attending Alanon.
I learned about the three C's of addiction:
I did not Cause it
I could not Control it
I will not Cure it
I also did some reading and came across this post that had steps to help me while living with active addiction. Here is a link to that post:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. This is a wonderful resource of support and information.
I was married to an active alcoholic. He was functional, sort of. He went to work daily, but drank every night. He drank all day on his day off. He got to the point where he began to loose control of his body functions at night (vomitting, diarrhea and pissing the bed). But he was still functioning.
Believe me: Alcoholism is progressive. It gets worse.
In addition to the above listed physical problems, there was the minimizing (making everything I thought seem insignificant - not valid), blame-shifting (it was always someone else's responsibility), lies, denials, lies, and financial disasters (always money available for booze - not always available for bills)
I came to SR and started attending Alanon.
I learned about the three C's of addiction:
I did not Cause it
I could not Control it
I will not Cure it
I also did some reading and came across this post that had steps to help me while living with active addiction. Here is a link to that post:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
He knows that he is an alcoholic but he's not concerned about it because in his mind, it's okay to be an functioning alcoholic.
I confronted him last week but he thinks I am judging him.
If he isn't willing to see this, he is not keeper material. Move along.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I've said it before, functional isn't a type of alcoholism, it is a stage of alcoholism.
Food for thought. Protect yourself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
What made you decide...
...it's a good idea to work things out with an alcoholic?
Good God. Read your post below and think this through before you **** away the next 12 years, or longer, of your life just like I did.
This is a bad, bad, bad idea. But, if you are bound and determined that this is how you want to live the one life you have please consider Alanon. It will make it less painful.
Good luck,
Cyranoak
Good God. Read your post below and think this through before you **** away the next 12 years, or longer, of your life just like I did.
This is a bad, bad, bad idea. But, if you are bound and determined that this is how you want to live the one life you have please consider Alanon. It will make it less painful.
Good luck,
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by Lily258 
Hi-
My boyfriend and I have decided to try to work things out after a year of breakup. We were together for 5 years prior to that. I am now concerned about his drinking and is seeking some knowledge from someone with similar experiences. He knows that he is an alcoholic but he's not concerned about it because in his mind, it's okay to be an functioning alcoholic.He pays his bills, he goes to work, and he keeps his place decent. He drinks everyday when he comes home and needs it or else he cannot go to sleep. HE can't only have one or two because the purpose of his drinking is to get a buzz and he will drink until he does. His tolerance has increased dramatically. He can drink a whole liter of wine like its water. I confronted him last week but he thinks I am judging him. He thinks I am saying that alcoholism is bad because of what society tells me that it's bad. He has a DUI and has gotten in trouble prior to that but was dismissed. I am just afraid this will only get worst and would bring up the future and starting a family but just keep making it seem like I am uptight and over thinking things. I don't have anything against drinking.I am a social drinker, probably drink once a week or every two week. I am not telling him that drinking is bad. Am I just overthinking things just because I barely drink>
My boyfriend and I have decided to try to work things out after a year of breakup. We were together for 5 years prior to that. I am now concerned about his drinking and is seeking some knowledge from someone with similar experiences. He knows that he is an alcoholic but he's not concerned about it because in his mind, it's okay to be an functioning alcoholic.He pays his bills, he goes to work, and he keeps his place decent. He drinks everyday when he comes home and needs it or else he cannot go to sleep. HE can't only have one or two because the purpose of his drinking is to get a buzz and he will drink until he does. His tolerance has increased dramatically. He can drink a whole liter of wine like its water. I confronted him last week but he thinks I am judging him. He thinks I am saying that alcoholism is bad because of what society tells me that it's bad. He has a DUI and has gotten in trouble prior to that but was dismissed. I am just afraid this will only get worst and would bring up the future and starting a family but just keep making it seem like I am uptight and over thinking things. I don't have anything against drinking.I am a social drinker, probably drink once a week or every two week. I am not telling him that drinking is bad. Am I just overthinking things just because I barely drink>
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Here's a bit of information. Alcoholism is progressive. Those of us in recovery had phases where we could keep it together, go to work, pay bills, have friends, etc. But that changes as the drug claims an increasing amount of our lives. I hope you understand that there is nothing you can say or do that will stop him from drinking.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 3
Thank you everyone who replied to this. This issue has taken over my life for the past few days now and all the replies are very helpful. Everyone is right. It will get worse and this stage that he is in now will not last because his tolerance will increase and he will eventually go to hard liquor. I was just kidding myself that the issue will be better or not get worse. I really wanted to be okay with who he is. Every time we argue about this, he always flip it around to make it that I am the problem for not being ok with this because of course, he is functioning. There is someone wrong with me for not accepting who he is now and that always make me feel bad. I feel guilty. Reading the replies confirms that I am not the problem and he cannot change. By him asking me to be okay with his drinking is me changing who I am and my beliefs of him but he isn't willing to change for me or even for himself. Yes, he only want to keeps drinking. Blacking out and waking up the next morning not knowing what happened is far more interesting than being sober and having recollection of the night before.I don't want to be there when something detrimental happens for him to realize this is a problem.. thank you again everyone!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Lily,
Your BF is in denial, and he is manipulating you.
Please, take sometime and think about what you want out of life.
Just sharing my experience here, but i wasted too many years with a guy like this. There is no "happily ever after" with an active alcoholic. They are not relationship material. He is not capable of returning your love and affection.. But i promise he will suck the life right out of you. You will become lonely, isolated, and depressed. Alkies are very selfish, it's all about them and their buzz. They are addicts, and if they do not get their fix, you will be the one paying for it.
Your daily life will revolve around his drinking. He will be late coming home because he stopped for a beer. You will be late for a function, because he stopped for a beer. He will not want to attend functions where alcohol is not served. Friendships are lost because of his drinking. Financial hardships, job loss, legal trouble all just another day for an active alkie. I should also mention the lying......... that drove me nuts, it got to the point that he lied about everything, could not believe a word that came out of his mouth.
As the disease progresses, it gets worse. Next thing you know they are pissing all over the house, pissing up the bed, fall down and bleed all over the house. Now we have medical bills, and health issues. And you know what? Not only do they not care, they don't even remember it ever happening, because they blacked out.
I don't know why you guys broke up a year ago, but I am just guessing that the same problems you had then are still with you today. If nothing changes, nothing changes. Time to make you the priority of your life. Because as long as booze is in his life, you are simply an option, and you are worth so very much more.
Your BF is in denial, and he is manipulating you.
Please, take sometime and think about what you want out of life.
Just sharing my experience here, but i wasted too many years with a guy like this. There is no "happily ever after" with an active alcoholic. They are not relationship material. He is not capable of returning your love and affection.. But i promise he will suck the life right out of you. You will become lonely, isolated, and depressed. Alkies are very selfish, it's all about them and their buzz. They are addicts, and if they do not get their fix, you will be the one paying for it.
Your daily life will revolve around his drinking. He will be late coming home because he stopped for a beer. You will be late for a function, because he stopped for a beer. He will not want to attend functions where alcohol is not served. Friendships are lost because of his drinking. Financial hardships, job loss, legal trouble all just another day for an active alkie. I should also mention the lying......... that drove me nuts, it got to the point that he lied about everything, could not believe a word that came out of his mouth.
As the disease progresses, it gets worse. Next thing you know they are pissing all over the house, pissing up the bed, fall down and bleed all over the house. Now we have medical bills, and health issues. And you know what? Not only do they not care, they don't even remember it ever happening, because they blacked out.
I don't know why you guys broke up a year ago, but I am just guessing that the same problems you had then are still with you today. If nothing changes, nothing changes. Time to make you the priority of your life. Because as long as booze is in his life, you are simply an option, and you are worth so very much more.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: LA, California
Posts: 372
Originally Posted by Lily258
Hi-
My boyfriend and I have decided to try to work things out after a year of breakup. We were together for 5 years prior to that. I am now concerned about his drinking and is seeking some knowledge from someone with similar experiences. He knows that he is an alcoholic but he's not concerned about it because in his mind, it's okay to be an functioning alcoholic.He pays his bills, he goes to work, and he keeps his place decent. He drinks everyday when he comes home and needs it or else he cannot go to sleep. HE can't only have one or two because the purpose of his drinking is to get a buzz and he will drink until he does. His tolerance has increased dramatically. He can drink a whole liter of wine like its water. I confronted him last week but he thinks I am judging him. He thinks I am saying that alcoholism is bad because of what society tells me that it's bad. He has a DUI and has gotten in trouble prior to that but was dismissed. I am just afraid this will only get worst and would bring up the future and starting a family but just keep making it seem like I am uptight and over thinking things. I don't have anything against drinking.I am a social drinker, probably drink once a week or every two week. I am not telling him that drinking is bad. Am I just overthinking things just because I barely drink>
My boyfriend and I have decided to try to work things out after a year of breakup. We were together for 5 years prior to that. I am now concerned about his drinking and is seeking some knowledge from someone with similar experiences. He knows that he is an alcoholic but he's not concerned about it because in his mind, it's okay to be an functioning alcoholic.He pays his bills, he goes to work, and he keeps his place decent. He drinks everyday when he comes home and needs it or else he cannot go to sleep. HE can't only have one or two because the purpose of his drinking is to get a buzz and he will drink until he does. His tolerance has increased dramatically. He can drink a whole liter of wine like its water. I confronted him last week but he thinks I am judging him. He thinks I am saying that alcoholism is bad because of what society tells me that it's bad. He has a DUI and has gotten in trouble prior to that but was dismissed. I am just afraid this will only get worst and would bring up the future and starting a family but just keep making it seem like I am uptight and over thinking things. I don't have anything against drinking.I am a social drinker, probably drink once a week or every two week. I am not telling him that drinking is bad. Am I just overthinking things just because I barely drink>
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Yellow Springs, OH
Posts: 109
Just chiming in to say that if alcohol is already coming between you, it will not stop unless your A stops drinking entirely and throws himself wholeheartedly into a serious program of recovery.
My AH is in a homeless shelter right now after 8 years of watching his disease gradually cripple him and destroy any semblance of a life. I am alone, working on my own recovery which would be totally unnecessary if I'd just read the signs at the beginning.
A very wise addiction doctor once asked me, "You wouldn't stay with him if the alcohol were another woman, would you?" Believe me, it's the same thing.
Good luck and hugs to you. This is a great opportunity for you to look clearly at what you want and ensure that your future remains securely in your own hands. You deserve a relationship with someone as caring and engaged as you are.
My AH is in a homeless shelter right now after 8 years of watching his disease gradually cripple him and destroy any semblance of a life. I am alone, working on my own recovery which would be totally unnecessary if I'd just read the signs at the beginning.
A very wise addiction doctor once asked me, "You wouldn't stay with him if the alcohol were another woman, would you?" Believe me, it's the same thing.
Good luck and hugs to you. This is a great opportunity for you to look clearly at what you want and ensure that your future remains securely in your own hands. You deserve a relationship with someone as caring and engaged as you are.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 3
Unfortunately I am not the lucky girl he will change for. The main reason I wanted to try to work it out was because he said he would change for. But I was wrong. To make long story short, we originally broke up because of what I felt was cyber cheating. He crossed the line way to many times and again, I felt like it was just over analyzing things and literally had to research to see if there was logic and reasoning behinds my feelings and had to ask people, like what I am doing now to reassure my feelings. HE knows how to get in my head to make me feel guilty and not making any sense. I know that sound sad and pathetic. Alcohol wasn't the main reason but it had something to do with it but I just dismissed it at the moment.Little did I know it was a wrong decision.
Today was a real eye opening for me. HE goes to this website for crippling alcoholics and chat with other alkies. Each and everyone of them are enabling each other to drink and comfort each other about how being alkies are cool and okay. I was told to never go in there but since I understood and know that I cannot help him or change him, I went in there to see how bad it was. I regret it..... It makes me so sad to see his condition and what he does when I am not around. He was already intoxicated when I saw him but was still drinking beer after beer. Then what made me break down was when he went to get a bottle of vodka and started to chug it right from the bottle. The majority of the time he's with me, he drinks beer and occasional wine. The numerous vodka chugging was really hard to watch. All I wanted to do was yank the bottle from him. He later just passed out on camera. Reality hits hard for me today from the fact that he did got to hard liquor. I was blindsided that he chug vodka on a daily basis. Seeing him this way just breaks my heart. I want to help him so bad but he is stubborn and has a high strong personality. It breaks my heart seeing him in this condition, I don't think I can handle seeing him when he hits rock bottom. I have to get out.
Today was a real eye opening for me. HE goes to this website for crippling alcoholics and chat with other alkies. Each and everyone of them are enabling each other to drink and comfort each other about how being alkies are cool and okay. I was told to never go in there but since I understood and know that I cannot help him or change him, I went in there to see how bad it was. I regret it..... It makes me so sad to see his condition and what he does when I am not around. He was already intoxicated when I saw him but was still drinking beer after beer. Then what made me break down was when he went to get a bottle of vodka and started to chug it right from the bottle. The majority of the time he's with me, he drinks beer and occasional wine. The numerous vodka chugging was really hard to watch. All I wanted to do was yank the bottle from him. He later just passed out on camera. Reality hits hard for me today from the fact that he did got to hard liquor. I was blindsided that he chug vodka on a daily basis. Seeing him this way just breaks my heart. I want to help him so bad but he is stubborn and has a high strong personality. It breaks my heart seeing him in this condition, I don't think I can handle seeing him when he hits rock bottom. I have to get out.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 271
A very wise addiction doctor once asked me, "You wouldn't stay with him if the alcohol were another woman, would you?" Believe me, it's the same thing.
Mary....you make such a good point one of my ExABs favorite QUACKS when I was mad or hurt about his behavior was to say " at least you know I would never cheat in you." or "you never have to worry about me being with another women."
Like that was suppose to make me feel better. He convinced himself that he wasn't such a bad boyfriend because he didn't cheat.
WRONG in fact he did with alcohol/pills and anything else that gave him a high.
Mary....you make such a good point one of my ExABs favorite QUACKS when I was mad or hurt about his behavior was to say " at least you know I would never cheat in you." or "you never have to worry about me being with another women."
Like that was suppose to make me feel better. He convinced himself that he wasn't such a bad boyfriend because he didn't cheat.
WRONG in fact he did with alcohol/pills and anything else that gave him a high.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 342
I now understand what folks mean when they say "functioning alcoholic" is a stage of alcoholism.
My AH was a functioning alcoholic for years (many of which I was unaware), he then started not functioning in our relationship. I told him (forced him) to leave and his diminished functioning started affecting his work. He could no longer blame it on me, he started to seek recovery or rather abstain from drinking.
He cannot drink because when he drinks, he doesn't function. The years he was affected by alcohol have impaired his functioning in many ways.
A lot of damage was done.
My AH was a functioning alcoholic for years (many of which I was unaware), he then started not functioning in our relationship. I told him (forced him) to leave and his diminished functioning started affecting his work. He could no longer blame it on me, he started to seek recovery or rather abstain from drinking.
He cannot drink because when he drinks, he doesn't function. The years he was affected by alcohol have impaired his functioning in many ways.
A lot of damage was done.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
"Unfortunately, I am not the lucky girl he will change for."
Oh Lily, I think you are a very lucky girl. You have dodged a bullet, my friend.
One day you will meet someone wonderful, and then it will all make sense.
Be your own best friend.
'
Oh Lily, I think you are a very lucky girl. You have dodged a bullet, my friend.
One day you will meet someone wonderful, and then it will all make sense.
Be your own best friend.
'
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 89
Dear Lily,
I wanted to share my experience with you because I just went through something very similar! A year and a half ago I broke with my exABF of 3 years because of his 'functioning' alcoholism. About 2 months ago we tried to get back together. I was cautiously optimistic because he told me he had changed his drinking habits. Needless to say, I had to break up with him AGAIN on Tuesday.
LISTEN TO YOUR GUT!!! You do not have to live the life of the girlfriend of an alcoholic who is in denial. You are NOT being judgmental. You are being smart by acknowledging that you are dealing with a guy who is sick. Not only that, but he REFUSES to take the time to figure out why he is sick, even though you have repeatedly told him that you have very real, very valid concerns. I'm sure he is the nicest, cutest, funniest, sweetest guy you have ever met (my exABF sure was!!
, but trust me when I say that if his drinking was a problem which caused you to break up with him, then it will be a problem for you one, two, ten, twenty years down the road.
You obviously have the strength to break things off with him, after all, you've done it before. Your life is too important, too special and too beautiful to spend time in a relationship that you know is just not right for you.
I wish you infinite happiness!!! BIG HUGS!!!!
c
I wanted to share my experience with you because I just went through something very similar! A year and a half ago I broke with my exABF of 3 years because of his 'functioning' alcoholism. About 2 months ago we tried to get back together. I was cautiously optimistic because he told me he had changed his drinking habits. Needless to say, I had to break up with him AGAIN on Tuesday.
LISTEN TO YOUR GUT!!! You do not have to live the life of the girlfriend of an alcoholic who is in denial. You are NOT being judgmental. You are being smart by acknowledging that you are dealing with a guy who is sick. Not only that, but he REFUSES to take the time to figure out why he is sick, even though you have repeatedly told him that you have very real, very valid concerns. I'm sure he is the nicest, cutest, funniest, sweetest guy you have ever met (my exABF sure was!!
, but trust me when I say that if his drinking was a problem which caused you to break up with him, then it will be a problem for you one, two, ten, twenty years down the road.You obviously have the strength to break things off with him, after all, you've done it before. Your life is too important, too special and too beautiful to spend time in a relationship that you know is just not right for you.
I wish you infinite happiness!!! BIG HUGS!!!!
c
"
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