xasherrs88

I have been doing a lot of research on AA lately as my boyfriend and I are on somewhat of a break due to his excessive drinking. I'm trying my best to understand what goes on through his head when he drinks and finds it necessary to yell at me and bring me down. He has just recently started going to AA meetings. I have stressed to him that I want him to do this for himself, so he can be happy again. I honestly can't remember the last time I saw him truly smile. We have been together for almost three years and I really would like to be together again, I care about him so much. We still talk everyday and I was thinking maybe it would be a good idea to go along with him to one of his meetings. Any encouraging word or experiences are helpful as this is all new to me. Thanks

anewperspective

Have you considered going to Al-Anon meetings at all?

anewperspective

I am a few more years into my relationship with my ABF, and what you are saying sounds like what I said several times.

I made my bf's happiness my project-and I've failed miserably for the simple fact that I can't do his part. His happiness-not my responsibility. Especially considering his past and his alcoholism-it's truly not even something I can do, no matter how much I want to.

I understand your intense desire for your bf to be happy and well. My advice to you is build up yourself, make yourself as strong and happy as you can. I wish I hadn't lost several years of my time working so hard making him happy, and in the meantime making myself unhappy.

xasherrs88

I actually just started thinking of that today. What are they like? Everything just happened last Saturday when I told him how I was feeling.

StarCat

The ones I have been to have typically had someone as a speaker, who will discuss a topic or one of the 12 Al-Anon steps, and then open it up to people who want to talk about whatever the speaker talked about. Some groups go around the room, others wait for people to raise their hands - all of them, speaking is optional. (Everything is pretty much optional in Al-Anon).

This is a more formal setup (and beginners at their first meeting will typically be taken outside of the room by a member of the group for a more informal discussion about what Al-Anon is about, and be presented with literature and a list of meetings as well as phone numbers you can call when you need someone to talk to); the beginners' meetings are much more informal and each person speaking has a chance to speak on whatever they need to speak about that day.

There's tissues and hugs and sometimes people cry and sometimes people laugh and everyone feels a sense of community because it's a place where people understand and where people like us don't feel like we're alone and nobody knows what we're going through. It's a place where we can speak without being interrupted, where we can receive validation instead of put-downs, where we can concentrate on ourselves because we've been neglecting ourselves while trapped in the alcoholic whirlwind of drama.

Threshold

No one should put up with abusive or bad behavior from a partner. Doesn't matter if they are an alcoholic or not. You don't need to put up with bad behavior.

However, if you choose to stay involved, knowing what you will get, then don't blame him. Don't expect him to make all the changes that will make you feel comfortable and happy about things. Just like you can't fix or change him, he can't fix or change you.

The energy in relationships flows in both directions. Though it is easy and obvious to point out the maladjusted behavior of the alcoholic, it is more useful for us to address our own behavior, because we can leave the alcoholic, but we still have us.

Unless he has specifically asked you and has a real good reason for you to do so (like total social phobia) I would not suggest you attend a meeting with him. What do you hope to accomplish with that?

Tuffgirl

Welcome to SR, xasherrs88. Sorry for the situation that brought you here, but you will find you are in good company.

I can only share how I handled my own situation. My husband attends AA meetings and I attend Al-Anon and post here. I only go to meetings with him when they are open meetings and he invites me. It is a sign of respect to him that this is his realm, not mine. Now, I have attended many open AA meetings elsewhere (not his home group). It was extremely helpful in understanding alcoholism from the perspectives of the folks who are living it.

But I found my best coping skills in the rooms of Al-Anon. Can't recommend it highly enough.

Give it time - let him have lots of space to find his way, and focus on yourself right now. You've got some healing to do, too.

~T

celticgenes

Welcome,

Hope you find the support you need here. If your boyfriend's drinking is "excessive', I encourage you both to take a long look at the role of alcohol in your lives. Some people can drink normally, for others it's always a struggle.

I quit 7 years ago next month, and I still have trouble calling myself an alcoholic. My tag line is "it wasn't doing me any favors". Which was true. No arrests, no DUI, steadily employed, good parent, etc. Yet, in my soul, I knew I could not drink normally. The night I had no idea how I DROVE MYSELF HOME, and woke up to phantom scrapes on the drivers side of my car, is the day I put the wine down for good. It was bottom enough.

I've always held that if one partner has a problem with the drinking in a relationship, then there is a drinking problem.

I'm glad your BF is in AA, I think you will find good support in Al-anon. I did.

You don't cause the drinking, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

Best of luck!

xasherrs88

Thanks, yeah I wasn't going to go to a meeting unless he wanted me to, which he doesn't and that's fine. Things seem to be going okay, just kind of taking things slow. Thank you for your help.

xasherrs88

Thank you for your advice. We have been spending a lot of time apart. We've only been seeing each other about once a week. It's def helping.