new here, in this mess for the last three and a half years.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: atlanta, georgia
Posts: 6
new here, in this mess for the last three and a half years.
I type this on my phone as my drunk husband sleeps peacefully next me.
We've been together for seven years, married for three and a half, and dealing with this ever since then.
AH never seemed to have a problem at first, but we were in college, so it wasn't alcoholism, it was college.
Then he wouldn't drink all the time, but when he did, he drank to get wasted. And when I started to worry about that, he began sneaking alcohol. But he was never good at it. Ever. And he's a horrible liar. But apparently alcohol makes him feel like a spy in a covert operation.
He's been half assing sobriety for the last three years since I was pregnant with our daughter. But he constantly makes up reasons to drink. Tonight he was "alone". By alone, he means I was in one room and he was in another.
He goes to therapy once a week. He speaks of going to meetings, there's even a meeting he can do online that he was excited to find.
He has yet to actually do it.
I'm tired and over it all. I'm a very supportive person, but if he doesn't wasn't to change, I certainly can't help him.
I'm worried about our daughter. He's a good dad. He loves her more than most things. Just not enough to stay sober, I guess.
So here I am as he sleeps soundly, wondering if I'll end of getting even an hour of sleep tonight.
Not quite sure where the justice in all of this is, but I doubt I'll ever figure that out.
We've been together for seven years, married for three and a half, and dealing with this ever since then.
AH never seemed to have a problem at first, but we were in college, so it wasn't alcoholism, it was college.
Then he wouldn't drink all the time, but when he did, he drank to get wasted. And when I started to worry about that, he began sneaking alcohol. But he was never good at it. Ever. And he's a horrible liar. But apparently alcohol makes him feel like a spy in a covert operation.
He's been half assing sobriety for the last three years since I was pregnant with our daughter. But he constantly makes up reasons to drink. Tonight he was "alone". By alone, he means I was in one room and he was in another.
He goes to therapy once a week. He speaks of going to meetings, there's even a meeting he can do online that he was excited to find.
He has yet to actually do it.
I'm tired and over it all. I'm a very supportive person, but if he doesn't wasn't to change, I certainly can't help him.
I'm worried about our daughter. He's a good dad. He loves her more than most things. Just not enough to stay sober, I guess.
So here I am as he sleeps soundly, wondering if I'll end of getting even an hour of sleep tonight.
Not quite sure where the justice in all of this is, but I doubt I'll ever figure that out.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 271
Isn't that just part of the insanity? THEY the As sleep soundly while we the Codies (with all of the household responsibility) lay awake all night worrying about people places and thing that we can control or fix. Denying ourselves vital sleep for our health, care of our children, pets, career, etc.
Unless HE miraculously chooses to get help and commit 100% then this will just get worse as its a progressive disease.
You are awesome, strong, a wonderful mother, a smart and capable woman imagine what you could be with him weighing you down.
Nothing can be solved tonight...just lay there and imagine the life you want with your daughter...does he ft the criteria as he is today?
BIG HUG
Unless HE miraculously chooses to get help and commit 100% then this will just get worse as its a progressive disease.
You are awesome, strong, a wonderful mother, a smart and capable woman imagine what you could be with him weighing you down.
Nothing can be solved tonight...just lay there and imagine the life you want with your daughter...does he ft the criteria as he is today?
BIG HUG
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 46
hello
Hi!
Sorry you are going through this. I have been where you are. What you said about your husband's drinking in college mirrors my own experience. I too really thought that his drinking was due to the party culture of school and that he would grow out of it.
And then after graduation I thought "well, when he gets a better job"..... and then "maybe if this better job wasn't so stressfull" and on and on. Now we've been married three years and have been seperated seven months.
No children. I was waiting for him to get the drinking under control and he always seemed to keep losing his jobs due to always calling in sick. Which led to more drinking. I know the life you are living and everyone here has walked in your shoes. I wish I had all the answers for you.
What has helped me tremendously was Al-anon meetings. I am sure you can find one in your area. They also have online meetings. I began attending meetings after our seperation and I don't know how I would have made it without al-anon.
I would also recommend researching enabaling and copdependancy and how they work in alcoholic relationships. This was a big eye opener for me.
You are not alone!!
Sorry you are going through this. I have been where you are. What you said about your husband's drinking in college mirrors my own experience. I too really thought that his drinking was due to the party culture of school and that he would grow out of it.
And then after graduation I thought "well, when he gets a better job"..... and then "maybe if this better job wasn't so stressfull" and on and on. Now we've been married three years and have been seperated seven months.
No children. I was waiting for him to get the drinking under control and he always seemed to keep losing his jobs due to always calling in sick. Which led to more drinking. I know the life you are living and everyone here has walked in your shoes. I wish I had all the answers for you.
What has helped me tremendously was Al-anon meetings. I am sure you can find one in your area. They also have online meetings. I began attending meetings after our seperation and I don't know how I would have made it without al-anon.
I would also recommend researching enabaling and copdependancy and how they work in alcoholic relationships. This was a big eye opener for me.
You are not alone!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 46
codependency
Here is some great info on codependency:
I'll post the specific info dealing with alcoholic spouses and also the full link.
Alcoholism and Its Effect on the Family
Alcoholism also has negative effects on the spouse of an alcoholic. The spouse may have feelings of hatred, self-pity, avoidance of social contacts, may suffer exhaustion and become physically or mentally ill (Berger, 1993).Very often the spouse has to perform the roles of both parents. Family responsibilities shift from two parents to one parent. As a result, the non-alcoholic parent may be inconsistent, demanding, and often neglect the children. Having financial difficulties is another issue that families of alcoholics have to deal with. The family may have to give up certain privileges because of the large amount of money spent on alcohol and also possible joblessness. A survey, “Exposure to Alcoholism in the Family”, conducted in 1988 suggested that alcoholism is a major factor of premature widowhood (Berger, 1993, p.13). Alcoholism also is one of the major reasons for divorce.
Today, experts who study alcoholic families know that family and marital problems often start because of alcoholism, but they also learned that spouses and children may contribute to the drinker’s habit and make it worse. Some of the families allow heavy drinking to continue rather than deal with serious family problems, and keep the habit going in exchange for keeping the family together. Denial is an essential problem for alcoholics and family members. Family members use denial to rationalize the drinker’s alcohol dependency. In the beginning, denial is understandable because every family loves and wants to protect its members, but there comes a time when denial negatively affects family members. When family members deny the obvious and refuse to look for help, their behavior can trigger multiple emotional problems in the children of the family.
Members of alcoholic’s families very often become codependent. “Codependency is an unconscious addiction to another person’s abnormal behavior” (Wekesser, 1994, p.168). Most alcoholics have periods when they stop drinking for a short while and seemingly do well, leading the codependent person to believe that the problem can be solved. Often people who don’t know the alcoholic very well don’t suspect any problem. The alcoholic’s codependent family members do everything possible to hide the problem, preserve the family’s prestige and project the image of a “perfect family”. The spouse and children may avoid making friends and bringing other people home, in order to hide problems caused by alcoholism. Codependent members often forget about their own needs and desires. They devote their lives to attempt to control or cure the drinker. Unknowingly, codependent family members often become “enablers”. An enabler is “a person who unknowingly helps the alcoholic by denying the drinking problem exists and helping the alcoholic to get out of troubles caused by his drinking” (Silverstein, 1990, p.65). The enabler will clean up the alcoholic’s vomit and make excuses to his or her boss, teacher, or friends. The enabler lies for the alcoholic, and thus enables the alcoholic to continue drinking.
While alcoholism treatment programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous help people with alcohol dependence to stop drinking and improve their life styles, family and marital therapy and various self-help groups help alcoholic families to improve their own well-being. Families of alcoholics need treatment just as much as alcoholics. Marriage and family counselors can help with the tensions created in the alcoholic’s home. School counselors can provide information and support to adolescents who have family problems because of parental alcoholism. Therapists in hospitals and mental health centers, and state-run alcohol programs provide information and services for alcohol related problems. According to Silverstein (1990), Al-Anon and Alateen are two of the most successful organizations helping families of alcoholics. Al-Anon is designed to mainly help the spouses of alcoholics, while Alateen is designed to help children of the alcoholic. Both organizations’ philosophy is based upon Alcoholic Anonymous’s Twelve Step Recovery Program. The main goal of these organizations is to help family members understand that they are not responsible for an alcoholic’s drinking problems and that family members’ recovery does not depend upon the alcoholic’s recovery.
Alcohol affects each member of the family – from the unborn child to the alcoholic’s spouse. Its far-reaching affects result in not only physical problems for the alcoholics, but also may result in physical and psychological problems for other members of the family. Treatment is complicated and often is not completely successful. Even if the alcoholic himself ultimately reforms, the family members who were so greatly affected may not themselves ever recover from the problems inflicted upon them. References
Berger, G. (1993), Alcoholism and the family. New York: Franklin Watts
Silverstein, H. (1990), Alcoholism. New York: Franklin Watts
Wekesser, C. (1994), Alcoholism. San Diego: Greenhaven Press, Inc.
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services and SAMHSA’s National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information.
I'll post the specific info dealing with alcoholic spouses and also the full link.
Alcoholism and Its Effect on the Family
Alcoholism also has negative effects on the spouse of an alcoholic. The spouse may have feelings of hatred, self-pity, avoidance of social contacts, may suffer exhaustion and become physically or mentally ill (Berger, 1993).Very often the spouse has to perform the roles of both parents. Family responsibilities shift from two parents to one parent. As a result, the non-alcoholic parent may be inconsistent, demanding, and often neglect the children. Having financial difficulties is another issue that families of alcoholics have to deal with. The family may have to give up certain privileges because of the large amount of money spent on alcohol and also possible joblessness. A survey, “Exposure to Alcoholism in the Family”, conducted in 1988 suggested that alcoholism is a major factor of premature widowhood (Berger, 1993, p.13). Alcoholism also is one of the major reasons for divorce.
Today, experts who study alcoholic families know that family and marital problems often start because of alcoholism, but they also learned that spouses and children may contribute to the drinker’s habit and make it worse. Some of the families allow heavy drinking to continue rather than deal with serious family problems, and keep the habit going in exchange for keeping the family together. Denial is an essential problem for alcoholics and family members. Family members use denial to rationalize the drinker’s alcohol dependency. In the beginning, denial is understandable because every family loves and wants to protect its members, but there comes a time when denial negatively affects family members. When family members deny the obvious and refuse to look for help, their behavior can trigger multiple emotional problems in the children of the family.
Members of alcoholic’s families very often become codependent. “Codependency is an unconscious addiction to another person’s abnormal behavior” (Wekesser, 1994, p.168). Most alcoholics have periods when they stop drinking for a short while and seemingly do well, leading the codependent person to believe that the problem can be solved. Often people who don’t know the alcoholic very well don’t suspect any problem. The alcoholic’s codependent family members do everything possible to hide the problem, preserve the family’s prestige and project the image of a “perfect family”. The spouse and children may avoid making friends and bringing other people home, in order to hide problems caused by alcoholism. Codependent members often forget about their own needs and desires. They devote their lives to attempt to control or cure the drinker. Unknowingly, codependent family members often become “enablers”. An enabler is “a person who unknowingly helps the alcoholic by denying the drinking problem exists and helping the alcoholic to get out of troubles caused by his drinking” (Silverstein, 1990, p.65). The enabler will clean up the alcoholic’s vomit and make excuses to his or her boss, teacher, or friends. The enabler lies for the alcoholic, and thus enables the alcoholic to continue drinking.
While alcoholism treatment programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous help people with alcohol dependence to stop drinking and improve their life styles, family and marital therapy and various self-help groups help alcoholic families to improve their own well-being. Families of alcoholics need treatment just as much as alcoholics. Marriage and family counselors can help with the tensions created in the alcoholic’s home. School counselors can provide information and support to adolescents who have family problems because of parental alcoholism. Therapists in hospitals and mental health centers, and state-run alcohol programs provide information and services for alcohol related problems. According to Silverstein (1990), Al-Anon and Alateen are two of the most successful organizations helping families of alcoholics. Al-Anon is designed to mainly help the spouses of alcoholics, while Alateen is designed to help children of the alcoholic. Both organizations’ philosophy is based upon Alcoholic Anonymous’s Twelve Step Recovery Program. The main goal of these organizations is to help family members understand that they are not responsible for an alcoholic’s drinking problems and that family members’ recovery does not depend upon the alcoholic’s recovery.
Alcohol affects each member of the family – from the unborn child to the alcoholic’s spouse. Its far-reaching affects result in not only physical problems for the alcoholics, but also may result in physical and psychological problems for other members of the family. Treatment is complicated and often is not completely successful. Even if the alcoholic himself ultimately reforms, the family members who were so greatly affected may not themselves ever recover from the problems inflicted upon them. References
Berger, G. (1993), Alcoholism and the family. New York: Franklin Watts
Silverstein, H. (1990), Alcoholism. New York: Franklin Watts
Wekesser, C. (1994), Alcoholism. San Diego: Greenhaven Press, Inc.
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services and SAMHSA’s National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Well done you for having such clarity about this.
Yeah, fancy choosing a beverage over family relationships.
He doesn't want to get sober and there's nothing you can do about it, sadly. Have you got a network of friends to reach out to now?
Yeah, fancy choosing a beverage over family relationships.
He doesn't want to get sober and there's nothing you can do about it, sadly. Have you got a network of friends to reach out to now?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Austin, Tx
Posts: 43
Krystal,
Sorry to hear of your situation. You certainly are in the right place for guidance and information on this all encompassing disease. I, like many others here have a similar story to yours. Drinking was just a social norm, but somewhere along the way my AW started drinkiking more and more on her own until SHE finally decided to get help.
For over 5 yrs she remained sober, but recently relapsed. This time I decided it was time for me to help myself. Groups like this and Al anon are helping me slowly regain my sanity and help me live my life. There is hope for the future, but only you can decide what you can live with and what you cannot. I am stuggling to find to find what my boundries are, and over time you will do the same.
Stay strong and take care of yourself.
Sorry to hear of your situation. You certainly are in the right place for guidance and information on this all encompassing disease. I, like many others here have a similar story to yours. Drinking was just a social norm, but somewhere along the way my AW started drinkiking more and more on her own until SHE finally decided to get help.
For over 5 yrs she remained sober, but recently relapsed. This time I decided it was time for me to help myself. Groups like this and Al anon are helping me slowly regain my sanity and help me live my life. There is hope for the future, but only you can decide what you can live with and what you cannot. I am stuggling to find to find what my boundries are, and over time you will do the same.
Stay strong and take care of yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: atlanta, georgia
Posts: 6
Thank you so much for the kind words and it's so nice to be able to talk to people going through the same thing.
Tonight he is sleeping soundly in the living room where he will be sleeping for the time being. He was already asleep by the time I got home, which was a relief.
When he started therapy, his therapist told him that he thought AH had ADD and that could be making him more prone to drinking than normal. (Not to get it twisted, his father has drinking problems, and his grandfather apparently did as well)
But his therapist wanted to try to work through it without medication at first.
So he emailed his therapist for the psychologist referral to get put on meds. Honestly, as soon as he told me the therapist suggested it, lights went on. It makes total sense, even when he's sober. It's hard for him to concentrate and finish tasks. He gets anxious when he's still for too long. I tried to get him to meditate with me, and he couldn't stand the feeling of just being with himself for awhile.
He has a lot to deal with that has happened in his life, but it's all a little too painful to deal with. (Some of the most ironic is those that have to do with his dad and his dad's drinking and subsequent actions)
He, once again, swears he's going to get it together. But, honestly, I'm not worried about him right now. I have to focus on myself and getting back to a balanced life. I have always told him that I love his mother, but I will never be his mother, and pretend that everything's fine so the community will never know.
We'll see how this goes, but I'm not holding my breath.
Thanks guys, I'll definitely be back here. Good or bad.
Tonight he is sleeping soundly in the living room where he will be sleeping for the time being. He was already asleep by the time I got home, which was a relief.
When he started therapy, his therapist told him that he thought AH had ADD and that could be making him more prone to drinking than normal. (Not to get it twisted, his father has drinking problems, and his grandfather apparently did as well)
But his therapist wanted to try to work through it without medication at first.
So he emailed his therapist for the psychologist referral to get put on meds. Honestly, as soon as he told me the therapist suggested it, lights went on. It makes total sense, even when he's sober. It's hard for him to concentrate and finish tasks. He gets anxious when he's still for too long. I tried to get him to meditate with me, and he couldn't stand the feeling of just being with himself for awhile.
He has a lot to deal with that has happened in his life, but it's all a little too painful to deal with. (Some of the most ironic is those that have to do with his dad and his dad's drinking and subsequent actions)
He, once again, swears he's going to get it together. But, honestly, I'm not worried about him right now. I have to focus on myself and getting back to a balanced life. I have always told him that I love his mother, but I will never be his mother, and pretend that everything's fine so the community will never know.
We'll see how this goes, but I'm not holding my breath.
Thanks guys, I'll definitely be back here. Good or bad.
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