you lose it when you talk to him , venting episode part 1
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Can I play devil's advocate for a minute?
I use to lose it...and on occasion I still do when I am feeling tired, sick, or hormonal!
; )
But I have learned through my own recovery that no one "makes me lose it" but me. And by being more self aware of those feelings when I am about to lose it...I am changing my approach to instead of reacting, I get proactive...remove myself from the situation, take a walk, breathe, count to ten or a hundred...whatever it takes to calm down BEFORE I lose it.
I also play games with myself in those situations - detach from them by visualizing a wall going up or a door slamming shut when the proverbial crap gets slung at me. It helps me keep detached so I don't engage in the BS.
I can't control my RAH's behavior or anyone else's for that matter, but I can control mine.
And by using this tactic in my marriage, I have gotten way better at it in other situations as well.
I don't know about you - but losing it sucks. I didn't like the stress and anxiety that came during and after an episode, nor the guilt of knowing I said things out of anger or I reacted badly or that maybe I might actually need to apologize for my own behavior.
All that said - this is a great place to vent. Especially if it keeps you from losing it elsewhere! ; )
Take good care,
~T
I use to lose it...and on occasion I still do when I am feeling tired, sick, or hormonal!
; )
But I have learned through my own recovery that no one "makes me lose it" but me. And by being more self aware of those feelings when I am about to lose it...I am changing my approach to instead of reacting, I get proactive...remove myself from the situation, take a walk, breathe, count to ten or a hundred...whatever it takes to calm down BEFORE I lose it.
I also play games with myself in those situations - detach from them by visualizing a wall going up or a door slamming shut when the proverbial crap gets slung at me. It helps me keep detached so I don't engage in the BS.
I can't control my RAH's behavior or anyone else's for that matter, but I can control mine.
And by using this tactic in my marriage, I have gotten way better at it in other situations as well.
I don't know about you - but losing it sucks. I didn't like the stress and anxiety that came during and after an episode, nor the guilt of knowing I said things out of anger or I reacted badly or that maybe I might actually need to apologize for my own behavior.
All that said - this is a great place to vent. Especially if it keeps you from losing it elsewhere! ; )
Take good care,
~T
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I am working on this too.
What do you need to take care of YOU in this situation? I am working on this being my direct question to myself with anything stressful. When I ask this the answer is not judgmental or rude or codependant, it is self-care.
So what do you need to take care of You in this situation?
What do you need to take care of YOU in this situation? I am working on this being my direct question to myself with anything stressful. When I ask this the answer is not judgmental or rude or codependant, it is self-care.
So what do you need to take care of You in this situation?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I also know the feeling of "losing it". You are not alone.
I did this for years and years, and probably still do it today.
I was married for 27 years. For the first 15 - 20 I believed him, that everything was me. I kept trying to change me, so that I would be Ok, but the more I changed, the more it was me. Then I started doing research, and going to therapist. Found out it wasn't me. Stopped trying to change "me". That's when everything got worse. Because I'm also a codie, so I needed to fix everything, to fix everyone.
My children were then in their late teens. I noticed signs of mental illness. I wanted to make things right. If any damage happened to them because of my marriage, I wanted to make things right.
I drove myself crazy with this. It's like I needed validation, needed closure, needed to prove that I was not dysfunctional !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I developed PTSD. I did it to myself.
And yes, I like Tuffgirls way of handling it, sometimes you just have to visualize a wall going up between you and them, and then go off and do something you enjoy.
There was one other thing that I wanted to say. I read many books, studied a lot, drove myself crazy, but something that I read will always stand out. A person can and will project their feelings onto you. So if they are feeling inadequate, they will project that to you, and they will tear you apart. They do this to feel good about themselves. It doesn't even have to be intentional. Don't listen to that cr@p. They do this to you, and most likely not to others, because they feel safe with you. They are afraid that you will leave them, so they need you to feel "less than", so that you will stay.
I don't know if I helped.
Just take care of yourself first. Shut the phone off for awhile. Take a nice soothing bath, put a really good cd on.
I did this for years and years, and probably still do it today.
I was married for 27 years. For the first 15 - 20 I believed him, that everything was me. I kept trying to change me, so that I would be Ok, but the more I changed, the more it was me. Then I started doing research, and going to therapist. Found out it wasn't me. Stopped trying to change "me". That's when everything got worse. Because I'm also a codie, so I needed to fix everything, to fix everyone.
My children were then in their late teens. I noticed signs of mental illness. I wanted to make things right. If any damage happened to them because of my marriage, I wanted to make things right.
I drove myself crazy with this. It's like I needed validation, needed closure, needed to prove that I was not dysfunctional !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I developed PTSD. I did it to myself.
And yes, I like Tuffgirls way of handling it, sometimes you just have to visualize a wall going up between you and them, and then go off and do something you enjoy.
There was one other thing that I wanted to say. I read many books, studied a lot, drove myself crazy, but something that I read will always stand out. A person can and will project their feelings onto you. So if they are feeling inadequate, they will project that to you, and they will tear you apart. They do this to feel good about themselves. It doesn't even have to be intentional. Don't listen to that cr@p. They do this to you, and most likely not to others, because they feel safe with you. They are afraid that you will leave them, so they need you to feel "less than", so that you will stay.
I don't know if I helped.
Just take care of yourself first. Shut the phone off for awhile. Take a nice soothing bath, put a really good cd on.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 205
Educate yourself on what A does to YOU. Once I started reading and talking to other people I realized how sick I had become. I work on myself everyday. Somedays are better than others, but I handle the bad days alot easier now.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Pls. don't ever think that he is done with you. He isn't. He feels that you need to give him what he needs. You are his food ticket, money ticket, and maybe even sex ticket. Sorry to be so blunt. BTDT.
I also had small accomplishments. My biggest was when I left.
He will be calling and it will get crazier and crazier.
Keep standing your ground. And then just watch what he does when you try to set boundaries. He will pee all over them.
Sorry to be so blunt, I'm not usually blunt
I also had small accomplishments. My biggest was when I left.
He will be calling and it will get crazier and crazier.
Keep standing your ground. And then just watch what he does when you try to set boundaries. He will pee all over them.
Sorry to be so blunt, I'm not usually blunt
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
gbz, I remember your 1st post about your ah. It seems nothing has changed except your bank account is getting further drained. What you are paying just to keep him you could be paying him in alimony. Are you planning on staying married to him?
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
gbz, no doubt it's confusing and difficult.
My guess is that he isn't smart enough to carry out any of his threats and it doesn't sound like he has the financial resources to execute those threats.He likes to think he has you over a barrel and he may in theory, if all you need to hear is "I'm sorry" allowing him to continue his wackjob antics.
It hard, but try to take the emotion out of this and look at the situation realistically. Is this someone that can add to your life? Even if he stays sober, is he a person who you want to spend your time with. As you said yourself, it's not just his addiction, it's his demons and that is much harder to work through, than not drinking.
Whoa. If it was me, I would be getting papers drawn up yesterday with a financial settlement and start ticking off the years of alimony until you are free. Life is for the living gbz.
My guess is that he isn't smart enough to carry out any of his threats and it doesn't sound like he has the financial resources to execute those threats.He likes to think he has you over a barrel and he may in theory, if all you need to hear is "I'm sorry" allowing him to continue his wackjob antics.
It hard, but try to take the emotion out of this and look at the situation realistically. Is this someone that can add to your life? Even if he stays sober, is he a person who you want to spend your time with. As you said yourself, it's not just his addiction, it's his demons and that is much harder to work through, than not drinking.
Whoa. If it was me, I would be getting papers drawn up yesterday with a financial settlement and start ticking off the years of alimony until you are free. Life is for the living gbz.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Forget what he says- watch his actions- my counselor told me to tell him to do 90 meetings in 90 days and then we would see......Alanon helped me learn how not to engage or react to stuff going on and how to put the focus back on me. You could do 90 in 90 in Alanon- it saved me.....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Winchester, VA
Posts: 129
Talk to your attorney...in most states, the day you file for divorce is the day you are no longer reponsible for your spouse's debts. Anything he mess up from there on out is completely on him.
You made a mistake all those years ago but my question is how long do you have to be punished for it?
You made a mistake all those years ago but my question is how long do you have to be punished for it?
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