Oh, this is difficult, please help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: MD
Posts: 7
Oh, this is difficult, please help
Well, I thought my husband's recovery was going okay, but I guess not so much...
Thought he'd been drinking again, and sure enough, found him doing so tonight. I have told him that he may stay tonight as I don't want him driving, but he needs to leave the house tomorrow. He has pleaded with me, but I am standing my ground. 4 or 5 relapses within the past 11 months is more that I can deal with and I want off this roller coaster, and I definitely want my children off.
That said, I am scared to death about what this means. I really don't know what to do next. Just going to try to get through the rest of this night and get the boys to bed.
Thought he'd been drinking again, and sure enough, found him doing so tonight. I have told him that he may stay tonight as I don't want him driving, but he needs to leave the house tomorrow. He has pleaded with me, but I am standing my ground. 4 or 5 relapses within the past 11 months is more that I can deal with and I want off this roller coaster, and I definitely want my children off.
That said, I am scared to death about what this means. I really don't know what to do next. Just going to try to get through the rest of this night and get the boys to bed.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((((Hope4future))) - first thing I'd recommend is breathe, sweetie. You don't have to figure it all out at one time.
I'm glad you're standing your ground. I know it's helped me, when I've come here scared, confused, whatever, to read around other posts...don't feel so alone, and you are not alone.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'm glad you're standing your ground. I know it's helped me, when I've come here scared, confused, whatever, to read around other posts...don't feel so alone, and you are not alone.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I, too, many years ago was faced with an AH who could not stay sober. He was a university professor and he kept his job, but at home he would drink until he passed out and then make promises to quit and white-knuckle for several weeks and then relapse with a huge angry drunk.
He was a simmering mean drunk. We had such nice times when he was sober, but drunk he was verbally abusive and sometimes tore things up in the house. I held onto hope as he made a ragged attempt to get sober. I wanted to give him a chance. But one night he hit me and that was the end of it for me. Our marriage was over. I knew he'd do it again. I'm glad he hit me. My son and I needed out of that house and that's what did it.
You will need to protect your children's lives by making a safe and secure and drunk-free home for them NON-NEGOTIABLE in your marriage.
If it were just you and your AH alone, and you decided to stay, well, then you would be freely choosing the traumas he would inflict only on you.
But as a mother, your children must come first. And they are absorbing every negative and angry and painful emotion your home is now thick with.
So for them, it is all right to insist he move out temporarily as he devotes himself heart and soul to VIGOROUS recovery for the next 9 months. And then you can decide what's after that. You will know during that time if he's drinking. Even living apart, if he's drinking you will very likely know.
Many here suggest consulting an attorney to know what your legal rights are should you choose to legally separate or eventually divorce.
Tonight neither of those legal matters is at hand and you do not have to work that out.
Your Higher Power can give you the calm and the presence of mind to set a boundary that every mother in the world is justified in setting: that no active addicts live in her children's home. You do not have to argue with him or convince him of anything other than this: you WILL NOT live with someone who cannot stay sober and you WILL NOT let your children be traumatized by living with active addiction.
Boundaries like this are CONSEQUENCES every drunk parent SHOULD experience. It can save the addict and it will surely save the family.
But do your own recovery work, too, no matter what. You have to get well, too.
The story is unfolding. Do not predict the future. Stay with what needs attention right now and allow your Higher Power to carry the rest. You are doing the right thing when you refuse to enable an addict. There is some hope.
He was a simmering mean drunk. We had such nice times when he was sober, but drunk he was verbally abusive and sometimes tore things up in the house. I held onto hope as he made a ragged attempt to get sober. I wanted to give him a chance. But one night he hit me and that was the end of it for me. Our marriage was over. I knew he'd do it again. I'm glad he hit me. My son and I needed out of that house and that's what did it.
You will need to protect your children's lives by making a safe and secure and drunk-free home for them NON-NEGOTIABLE in your marriage.
If it were just you and your AH alone, and you decided to stay, well, then you would be freely choosing the traumas he would inflict only on you.
But as a mother, your children must come first. And they are absorbing every negative and angry and painful emotion your home is now thick with.
So for them, it is all right to insist he move out temporarily as he devotes himself heart and soul to VIGOROUS recovery for the next 9 months. And then you can decide what's after that. You will know during that time if he's drinking. Even living apart, if he's drinking you will very likely know.
Many here suggest consulting an attorney to know what your legal rights are should you choose to legally separate or eventually divorce.
Tonight neither of those legal matters is at hand and you do not have to work that out.
Your Higher Power can give you the calm and the presence of mind to set a boundary that every mother in the world is justified in setting: that no active addicts live in her children's home. You do not have to argue with him or convince him of anything other than this: you WILL NOT live with someone who cannot stay sober and you WILL NOT let your children be traumatized by living with active addiction.
Boundaries like this are CONSEQUENCES every drunk parent SHOULD experience. It can save the addict and it will surely save the family.
But do your own recovery work, too, no matter what. You have to get well, too.
The story is unfolding. Do not predict the future. Stay with what needs attention right now and allow your Higher Power to carry the rest. You are doing the right thing when you refuse to enable an addict. There is some hope.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 225
((((Hope)))) I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. You've gotten some great ESH from Impurrfect and English Garden. I have nothing to add except you CAN do this, even if it's an hour, or just a minute at a time. Sending you positive thoughts and prayers.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 91
Boundaries like this are CONSEQUENCES every drunk parent SHOULD experience. It can save the addict and it will surely save the family
I love this quote and it is so true. It wasn't until I became strong enough from Alanon and from admitting my husbands growing problem to family for their support that I created the boundaries needed to get my husband in rehab. I had to learn to put my mental health and my teenagers in the forefront of my life. They are what counted and they needed to know that I was there to protect them. He went into rehab, finished out 30 days at the end of September and has faithfully attended outpatient and AA since then. I am proud of him as he was also going through incredible hip pain at the same time and used only OTC meds to help with the pain. He just had his hip replaced last week and only used painkillers for the first two days and is now on Tylenol only.
It was those boundaries that got us to this place. It was when I looked him in the eye last summer and said he could not longer live with us if he continued to drink; I would sell the house and move 400 miles away to live in the city where my family is. He drank that day and I had a real estate friend come by to tour the house the next day. I called a storage place to see about having a place to store things so I could get the house on the market and left the notes on the counter. He knew that his life was a mess and agreed to rehab. Don't think that those boundaries aren't there anymore. They are and always will be.
Do your own boundaries and take control of your life.
I love this quote and it is so true. It wasn't until I became strong enough from Alanon and from admitting my husbands growing problem to family for their support that I created the boundaries needed to get my husband in rehab. I had to learn to put my mental health and my teenagers in the forefront of my life. They are what counted and they needed to know that I was there to protect them. He went into rehab, finished out 30 days at the end of September and has faithfully attended outpatient and AA since then. I am proud of him as he was also going through incredible hip pain at the same time and used only OTC meds to help with the pain. He just had his hip replaced last week and only used painkillers for the first two days and is now on Tylenol only.
It was those boundaries that got us to this place. It was when I looked him in the eye last summer and said he could not longer live with us if he continued to drink; I would sell the house and move 400 miles away to live in the city where my family is. He drank that day and I had a real estate friend come by to tour the house the next day. I called a storage place to see about having a place to store things so I could get the house on the market and left the notes on the counter. He knew that his life was a mess and agreed to rehab. Don't think that those boundaries aren't there anymore. They are and always will be.
Do your own boundaries and take control of your life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: MD
Posts: 7
All, your encouragement means worlds to me, and I so appreciate it. The day is not getting any easier, with him begging and pleading, and my heart breaking right along the way. I know he can't get any better here, but am so very sad. Am totally feeding telling the boys as although they know their dad is an A, they never see him drink, so it's a total disconnect for them. Thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers-- it's what's keeping me going.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: MD
Posts: 7
All, your encouragement means worlds to me, and I so appreciate it. The day is not getting any easier, with him begging and pleading, and my heart breaking right along the way. I know he can't get any better here, but am so very sad. Am totally dreading telling the boys as although they know their dad is an A, they never see him drink, so it's a total disconnect for them. Thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers-- it's what's keeping me going.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: atlanta, georgia
Posts: 6
Right there with you. I'm going to let myself calm down tonight, hopefully, and then I'm going to see what the next few days are like. He'll be on the couch for the time being. Luckily my mom has moved to the city so I can go and live with her and bring my daughter with me. His parents won't take him in again and we don't have enough money for two households.
Stay strong.
Stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Prayers to you and your kids today, hope.
I know when I first started Al-Anon and they kept telling me "one day at a time" I thought they were nuts...but I now understand the power in only focusing on what I can accomplish today and today only. I am a recovering future-tripper! ; )
So take it one day at a time, and take good care of you!
~T
I know when I first started Al-Anon and they kept telling me "one day at a time" I thought they were nuts...but I now understand the power in only focusing on what I can accomplish today and today only. I am a recovering future-tripper! ; )
So take it one day at a time, and take good care of you!
~T
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
When I seperated from my AH, there was no contact.
Later, we resumed contact to discuss child matters and finances. That was when he would start the begging for another chance. I told him I did not want to discuss that anymore, and I told him if he continued to bombard me with saying it over and over I would end the conversation. He continued. I hung up.
It didn't take long and he learned I meant what I said about not listening to his rant about change.
Sending you encouragement and support.
Later, we resumed contact to discuss child matters and finances. That was when he would start the begging for another chance. I told him I did not want to discuss that anymore, and I told him if he continued to bombard me with saying it over and over I would end the conversation. He continued. I hung up.
It didn't take long and he learned I meant what I said about not listening to his rant about change.
Sending you encouragement and support.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: MD
Posts: 7
Krystle, thinking of you as we both head down this path.
I am feeling optimistic tonight, the prayers and support found here have been invaluable. By late afternoon yesterday, the begging and pleading stopped and I believe he came to realize that this is an opportunity for growth. We were able to calmly, and without spite or blame, tell the kids what was going on.
I get the feeling that each day will be a new adventure-- but I just need to take it as it comes.
I am feeling optimistic tonight, the prayers and support found here have been invaluable. By late afternoon yesterday, the begging and pleading stopped and I believe he came to realize that this is an opportunity for growth. We were able to calmly, and without spite or blame, tell the kids what was going on.
I get the feeling that each day will be a new adventure-- but I just need to take it as it comes.
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