12 Step Girl

I had 4 good "resentment free" days til yesterday. The A (which today stands for A*****e, doesnt do crap for his kid, not call him, not pay child support, he just lives in his world it seems, and to hell with the rest of us. For a few days he was being nice, displayed care and interest in being a father again, then BANG! nothing....just enough for me to get my expectations up.....and which leads to freakin disappointment which leads to resentment.

I wanted to get my hair cut and not have to drag my 11 yr old to the salon cus he doesnt like it there, but no dad to babysit, no one else could help, so I take him today, no parking, fights with other drivers,,,all my fault cus my resentment had totally pushed away any sign of serenity left. This leads to my cussin, crying and hysteria...nice, all in front of my kid.

I call the A telling him how much he hurt me the last 22 yrs, how I hate him and wish he would move away. Hang up phone, thinking "He must know how much Im hurting, he will call back to express concern:..YEA RIGHT! Was I insane,,ABSOLUTELY!!

Doing the same thing over and over, expecting a sick person to be emotionally available? That is where I am sick...Man, I hate this disease with all my soul. It robs me of the good person I want to be, it robs me of people I love,,,,it makes me hurt my beautiful son. I hate it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

12stepmarce

Sounds like time for a meeting.......meetings this time of the year are wonderful.......

Keep coming back. *hugs*

12 Step Girl

Sounds like time for MANY meetins, 12stepmarce! Luckily I have one tonight and its a holiday party meeting,t oo! I do feel better now as I went shopping with an al anon friend. We feared the parking lot terror but were loaded with the serenity prayer, and guess, what? We got a good space! '
Thats one powerful prayer!!

Gabe

A very wise person in the program once told me:
"If you expect nothing, you will get exactly what you expected. Anything else is icing on the cake."
Expecting rational or compassionate behavior from an active alcoholic is pointless. This is a very hard lesson to learn.
Peace,
Gabe

JustFedUp

Gabe, you need a medal for your insight.

I'm starting to get to that point, but sometimes I need a bit of resentment to keep me sane. :p

I think if I were just "serene" with some of my A's actions and didn't get pissy every once in a while I'd become his doormat.

It's a bit strange, but I've found when I get pissy about some of his smaller infractions, and not pissy and more "serene" with some of his major infractions, it keeps the balance better for the both of us.

Take for instance, I HATE shopping, I really loathe it. So does he, soooo, we set a date to go to the mall and get it all done and over with. Well he commences to pickle himself silly until the early hours of the morning. (I believe it was his ploy to get out of it all.) Well, I drug his happy azz up in the morning and made him go with me. Said, "if I gotta go, you gotta go". I was fully expecting him to be a total jackazz the entire day. Surprisingly, he was pleasant as can be, the entire day. Didn't even blink an eye at how much I was spending on junk for the kids.

Okay, so I'm totally off topic, and can't really figure out how to bring it all together, but maybe, it's because my resentment brought action, rather than just resentment. Or maybe I'm just blowing hot air around.:p