calblondie

Hi all,

I am new to the SR community, but I have been lurking for a few months and finally decided to join today.

I am reaching out to this community, as I know that many of you are or were in my situation and can provide me with a little perspective and advice.

A little background:

• I have been in a relationship with an alcoholic man for close to 2 years.
• He moved into my place a year ago - this is when I realized he was an alcoholic.
• Last week, I realized that I could no longer live with how his behavior impacted me...He would go to the casino, bar or a friend's house and not come home until early morning. He would drop off the face of the Earth, wouldn't answer his phone and wouldn't call or text me. The next day, he would beg for my forgiveness and tell me that it wouldn't happen again. We made several agreements/pacts, all which eventually got broken.
• I told him last week that I could not live with his behavior and he needed to move out. After this "ultimatum" there was some back and forth. He finally asked if going into treatment/AA would help. I said that it would.
• I started Alanon meetings last week.
• He told me that he is attending AA meetings, but he doesn't want to talk about it.

We still live together and he currently does not have plans to move out, but I am having difficulty managing our relationship. He is moody, depressed, suspicious of me, etc...

I know that I need to focus on me and my own actions, but I am unsure of what to do besides going to Alanon and focusing on what is important to me (work, my family, friends, hobbies).

I feel like I need to set some boundaries, but I know this has never worked in the past. What happens if he starts drinking again? What if he stops going to AA? How do I stand up for myself if he starts to slip down that slope again?

Any words of wisdom would be SO helpful. I love this man, but I don't know how to live with an alcoholic!

Thanks in advance,
calblondie / Karin

ODAT63

Continue going to Al anon, it takes at least 9-12 meetings before you start to see the difference, being with an alcoholic is a life changeing experience. My heart goes out to you. Best Luck

Thumper

I don't know how to live with an alcoholic either. You stated that "Last week, I realized that I could no longer live with how his behavior impacted me" Nothing has really changed between then and now.

It is OK to stick to that boundary even if he enters recovery. You can each work your individual paths of recovery with separate living situations. The relationship will evolve along with your recoveries and you can see where that leads - from a nice serene healthy secure alcohol free home all your own.

You are allowed to change your mind, re-think your decision, and do what is right for you.

When I asked my A to move out he went to rehab. I went against my initial decision and better judgement and agreed to him moving back home after the rehab stay. I felt stuck with that decision and that was a misconception born of a dysfunctional mindset. Having him stay in our home is one of the decisions I regret the most. It would have been better for me, him, and the kids had I stuck to my original request to have him live separately while we worked on our individual recoveries. As it turns out he didn't stay sober for even two weeks and things were worse then ever.

naive

alcoholics can be successful in recovery when they seek recovery because they know they must stop themselves.

alcoholics who are forced to stop in order to maintain the status quo due to ultimatums rarely, if ever, succeed.

on the contrary, they take it underground which only amplifies the lies, deceit, betrayal and desperation of all involved.

if you believe anything that an active alcoholic says, you must take responsibilty for that. if he says he is going to AA, that does not mean he is going to AA.

should he genuinely want to stop, which does not sound to be the case in this situation, he can stop from the comfort of his own home.

or he can not stop, also from the comfort of his own home. or he can stop, relapse, blame you, start again, relapse again, all from the comfort of his own home.

you have the freedom (indeed, it is your birthright) to change your mind, back out of any deal, not agree to anything, abandon ship, take your space back.

the best plan of exit is one that does not rely on the alcoholic to do anything.

in your case, there is very little chance that he will go if you ask him. they rarely do.

the best plan of exit is the one which relies wholly and solely on your actions and is mutually exclusive of his action taken, if any at all.

ODAT63

I feel like I just finished running a marathon. I am exhausted emotionally, physically and spiritually. The alcoholic has long moved away from my life and I still have years of recovery to look forward to.
Naive, I would like one day to reach the point where you are at. I know I will get there but by living one day at a time.

theuncertainty

Welcome to SR, Karin. A quick note is boundaries aren't rules for the other person; they're kind of rules for yourself. The way I think of them, they'd be like:

I will not tolerate being around an alcoholic when they drink. If s/he starts drinking, I will leave the room/house/event.

I will not tolerate being called nasty names or being cursed at. If that occurs, I will stop the conversation and/or walk away.

It was up to me to decide what I would put up with, what I won't and what steps I'm willing to take to remove myself from being around unacceptable behavior. I am only responsible for my actions. If the boundaries don't work, it's not because the alcoholic started drinking again, it's because, for what ever reason - and it may even be a valid one - I wasn't ready to follow through.

calblondie

theuncertainty, ODAT63, naive and thumper -

Thank you so much for your responses (and the reassurance that I can change my mind whenever I like!).

I have actually moved forward with breaking it off with my ABF. He snooped in my phone on Friday, and that was enough to tell him that I was done forgiving him over and over and not seeing any progress.

It is a HUGE relief to say goodbye. Of course, it is a little bittersweet, since we were in a relationship for almost 2 years. But I know it was the right decision for my future and my sanity!

Thanks again - Karin