lovingenabler

Hello SR peeps!!! So glad to keep coming here for more guidance. I have been reading the forums for long hours, still pondering weather I should break off contact with my XABF or continue.

This is my story: My XABF and I had a "wonderful" relationship for the first year and a half, when I would occasionally drink with him and smoke pot. Then, we moved in together and I noticed he drank everyday, increasingly. Then, the verbal abuse began to happen when he was drunk and I was sober and I commented that drinking a pint of rum a day was too much, but he would always apologize the next day and tell me relationships go through good and bad and we had to overcome our "stupid little fights". He was really loving when sober, bought me flowers, said he loved me many many times.

He took me to his family's house very often and I became very close to his dad soon enough. In time, his dad noticed his excessive drinking and brought it up and asked that we be allies in helping him quit. One day, in absolute crazy desperation, when his mother asked me how her son was doing and was he ok and was he calm, I spilled the news to all of his family about his drinking, hoping that we would all unite and perform an intervention. This, however, didn't work for his bipolar mother, who confronted him immediately. Next thing I knew, my AXBF had moved out of my house, he took all his things while I was gone, saying I had betrayed his trust.

We went no contact for 3 weeks, then he said we should still be "artistic buddies"... We have music projects together, he is my drummer and "official" photographer for my website and webmaster. He said he loved me and maybe the things we have in common would bring us back together and we should forget the past. He said he would look to recover from his drinking problem. We started dating again, he would not drink, sometimes just one glass of wine at dinner in a nice restaurant. When he comes to my house he never drinks. He still texts me every day. I really love him, but I am in conflict because I have learned to love myself throughout this process. I feel bad ignoring him when he texts me to say hello, to tell me what he made for dinner tonight, to tell me he bought a new keyboard. We have been meeting twice a week, spending Sundays together again. He doesn't drink when he is with me and I actually enjoy his company. We cuddled and watched movies the other night.

But I called him on the phone last night and he was drunk. I chatted with him for 2 minutes and he said we should go out tomorrow. I was not going to agree to see him knowing that he is drinking, so I said I had to go because I was tired and we shall see how the day goes tomorrow. I felt sad to know he was drunk but felt at ease with MYself for wanting to be ok. I told myself this was it. It was the end. I wouldn't deal with this any longer. But I can't just start ignoring him out of the blue. I don't feel comfortable doing that. I find it cowardly and unlike me.

This morning, he texted me REAL early saying: "hope you made it to work on time. have a great day, beautiful." Of course, that softened my heart. How could it not? So I texted back: good day to you too. And then he sent me a picture of himself, making that cute little face he and I used to make being cute and flirty. I ignored his picture text and he texted again. He is so persistent texting me sometimes that I feel compelled to answer, because I love him and it softens my heart.

So when I got off work I asked him if he wanted to go grab a cup of coffee and he said he'd think about it. Then he called me and said no, in an angry tone. He said the weather was bad and I was probably just as tired as I had been last night and no. His tone sounded rude, dry, and uptight, like when they're trying to inflict fear upon you. I said: ok, then we won't go out! and I hung up the phone. But sure enough, two hours later he texted me like nothing had happened, saying there was a good soccer game on TV (even though he never watches TV)...... i didn't want to reply, but again, feel guilty not replying. because I KNOW he is genuinely a good guy, and I can't get past that fact, I know sometimes he misses me, I know sometimes he wants to share his stuff with me.

Anyway, the point is: I love him. But how can I be affectionate towards him without enabling him? If I know that he is drinking alone at home, and I answer his text messages the next morning, I feel like I am being an enabler. If we decide to go out to dinner and we share a bottle of wine, I am enabling. If he wants to see me once a week on Sundays and I cuddle with him and watch movies, I am enabling him, because I know that the other 6 days of the week, he is drinking.

How can I love him without enabling?????
I feel at peace with myself knowing that I am not using drugs, I am not drinking, I am being aware of my situation. He says he doesn't see me as a friend and when I say I miss u, he says he misses me too. When I say I love you, he says I love you too. He says he does not see me as a friend and we are doing good, taking things slow.

Today I just wanted to e-mail him and say I am sorry but we must end contact with each other until you decide to do something good for yourself and sober up. I love you and because I love you I will respect your life decisions, but I also love myself and I have decided that your drinking affects me and so I must go. I can not change you, I have learned that. I love you very very much and that is why knowing that you numb yourself hurts. Call me if you ever decide to live a sober life. Thanks for all your love. I will have you in my heart..........

Any thoughts on this? I want him to lose something and I want to tell him that he is losing it because he CHOSE to. Last time I saw him he told me that he knew I only told his family about his addiction because I was trying to help him. That felt great to have him tell me that. Anyway, I'll stop writing now and ask a direct question: Do I help him more by leaving him? Or is there a way to love him and be near without enabling?

The most complicated part here is...... I'm not his girlfriend anymore..... I'm not sure if that means that my "leaving his life for good" would have less impact on him.... Any thoughts on my situation?????? Thanks for reading, guys!

theuncertainty

Welcome to SR, lovingenabler.

This part of your post really stood out for me, because I could have written it right after any of the times I left XAH:

When he was in a good mood, he was always telling me I was the best thing that happened to him, so my leaving with our son would have to knock some sense into him.... right? Especially when I told him that it was his choosing the bottle over our family that was making us leave.

All I got was an "oh". If anything, his drinking got worse, because he didn't have to hide it from me and DS any more. After a while, once he realized I wasn't coming back, all he did was move on to the next enabler. Some one who would pay for the roof over his head, drive him around, make sure his bills were paid and see that there was food if he was ever hungry.

With alcoholism, sadly, it may not matter if you were a friend, a girlfriend, a wife, a sister, a mother... If they're not ready to honestly face the consequences of their drinking, if they can still push the 'blame' off onto some other reason for the result, it won't matter who walks out of their life.

ODAT63

Love is an action not a word, love doesn't hurt, love allows you to grow and be yourself, love is unconditional, sometimes even boring but that is what we codependants don't understand!
I read a book my sponsor suggested is By Robyn Norwood "Woman who love too much" It is an excellent book.
An alcoholic choose us because we believe their lies and manipulations, we want to believe we are loveable so much that we loose ourselves in fantasy and illusions but reality is our five senses.

Cyranoak

If he's your XABF then you are broken off from him. If not, he's your ABF.

NYCDoglvr

I suggest stepping back and asking yourself if you want to be involved with an abusive drunk. That's the direction you're headed now. It's you're choice.

EnglishGarden

Relationships are based on mutual honesty, mutual dependability, mutual sacrifice, mutual commitment, and mutual goals.

Your description of your friendship with the ABF is not the description of mature relationship. There are a lot of games, a lot of controlling, a lot of lies.

If you want to just hang out for casual cuddles with an active alcoholic and find that is not painful for you, then issues of relationship are not important. If it's fun and it doesn't hurt, then you are free to be with him on casual terms and with no expectations.

If you would like a grown-up relationship, then you will not find it with this man.

It's really your choice and what you want for your life. Do what is right for you. Only you can determine what that is.

BobbyJ

YOU WROTE: Today I just wanted to e-mail him and say I am sorry but we must end contact with each other until you decide to do something good for yourself and sober up. I love you and because I love you I will respect your life decisions, but I also love myself and I have decided that your drinking affects me and so I must go. I can not change you, I have learned that. I love you very very much and that is why knowing that you numb yourself hurts. Call me if you ever decide to live a sober life. Thanks for all your love. I will have you in my heart..........

I WROTE: Did you send the letter??....

If I was the one who wrote your post and you read it, what would you think of me?? Would you think... it sounds like a bad case of mental abuse along with him being an alcoholic. Would you wonder why I stayed with him?

Have you been to a Alanon class?
I really suggest that you do that and continue to read on here.

UNTIL they want to sober up, no letters, no threats and no sad puppy dog tears are going to make him quit drinking....Im not the only and I wont the last to say: It doesnt work like that..


And PLEASE...dont think getting married or having his baby will change it...
It will only get worse!

Xwife of an alcoholic

m1k3

Something I have seen here many times and from my experience very true.

Alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages.

Your friend,

Chino

In recovery from codependency, we learn to ask "how do I help myself?"

SoaringSpirits

I think this is a fair thing to say to him as you end your contact with him. I edited it a bit. Short and sweet. The most loving thing you can do for him is let him go, and it is the most loving thing you can do for yourself --- and YOU are most important in this game. Walk away, he will give you nothing but heartache in your life. And keep exploring Al Anon, SR, and such so that your next relationship isn't with a similar person.

Linkmeister

Just about a year ago, I was in the same position as you are now after going down the enabling road for three years. I dickered and dickered, kept going back, hoping that each time was "the time.' That time never came, I walked and while there have been a lot of challenges for me since then, I have not had one regret about ending the relationship.

Doesn't mean I don't miss hm or that I don't love him-I do and that won't change. What did change was that I decided to put myself first, my feelings, what was best for me and let him deal with the consequences of his actions.

There has been sporadic contact on his part through emails (I blocked his phone #) but I have ignored them totally. That was hard but worth it as I have come to learn that the second you get back on that crazy train, you're right back where you were in the beginning.

lovingenabler

Thank you all for your comments.... I really appreciate your support. I know he is not the right man for me, but it's SO HARD to let go. I guess I'm more codependent than I thought. I must carry on..... somehow..... carry on!!!

Impurrfect

(((lovingenabler))) - I had no idea what a codependent was, back when I was with my first XABF (I have 3...slow learner) but I was definitely one..kept thinking it would get better, giving more chances, putting up with more games and emotional abuse for about 20 years. Turned to drugs to deal with it (most codie's don't go to that extreme, but I did), so now I'm in recovery for addiction AND codependency.

I left my last XABF because he didn't want to grow up, stop using, I did. I realized I would never trust him, a life with him would always be like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Yes, it hurt, yes, I loved him, but that wasn't enough. My family loved me, too, but they let me dig a deep hole with my addiction and figure a way out..now, they're very supportive but it's because I'm in recovery.

Oh, and my codie recovery has been FAR harder than the addiction one, but I think, for me at least, they are very entertwined. Nothing has me wanting to get "numb" faster than allowing the A's/codies in my life drag me back into crazyland. Fortunately, now my first instinct is "just get me to SR, I'll be okay"

Hugs and prayers,

Amy