painterman

Some days I find it hard to stay optimistic, after 4 or 5 normal days my partner has come home drunk-and she's cooking for our daughter and a few friends.
The slightest remark will cause a confrontation, so i'll spend the evening avoiding her. I seem to go through periods when I don't have as much strength to deal with it-in fact I'm quite worried that I feel depressed. All my logic tells me why, and all my strategies help to deal with it but still it's a struggle.

Thumper

When I was struggling it was because I thought I was detaching but what I was really doing was ignoring. I was ignoring his drinking, the wreck our life was in, and mostly I was ignoring myself. My feelings and my inner voice. That voice was trying to look out for me and protect my values. I was ignoring it all.

I once described living with alcoholism as being like running in quick sand. I ran and I ran and I ran until I was exhausted in every way imaginable. I was soooo tired. No matter how fast I ran I never got further away from the bad or closer to the good. I just sunk until I could no longer move or even breathe.

Are you really accepting and detaching or are you ignoring and running? I don't know the answer to that and don't intend for you to answer it here - just food for thought.

painterman

Thank you both, I think you are sensing the same thing - that I'm trying to ignore the problem rather than deal with it. I may have a chance to date someone else, someone sober-I think it will be good for my sanity although it feels a bit scary..

painterman

Do I wait around for my partner to sober up, and notice that I'm still here? or do I do what I feel inclined to do-take someone out who might actually want to be with me? (it is only might)

LaTeeDa

Those are not the only two choices. You might want to consider ending one relationship before beginning another.....

L

janiebluebird

I would find it incredibly difficult to be in a relationship with someone who is currently drinking. You have a daughter with this woman, so there is much to consider. If she does not have the desire to change her drinking habits, it might be better to move on... I'd try to give her the option first though. Being sober you are just not on the same page as someone who is drinking several times a week. It is difficult even to maintain friendships with people who are actively drinking when you are trying to maintain your own sobriety.

LifeRecovery

Just thanks for this.

I think you just summed up my marriage, and what I am working so hard on now. "What do I need to do to take care of myself."

That was really goofed up for a very long time.

EnglishGarden

You are at grave risk of becoming as obsessed with an illicit relationship as you are and have been with your AW.

We do this so we do not have to look at ourselves and deal with what we are hiding from inside us.

I would put the focus back on me, if I were you, and keep it right there.

RoundII

Painterman,
I too struggle with an active AW. I have come to understand this is a disease and am trying to learn how to detatch myself from things that do not directly affect me. I am reading all I can about codependency and started attending al anon meetings.
Please seek some personal help for this, not for her, but for your own sanity. You owe it to yourself and family to learn all you can.

inpieces314

I also think it is fair to tell her that you think her drinking is unacceptable and you don't want to deal with it anymore. Give her the choice. If she continues to drink, then you know where you stand, but at least you let her know what the consequences were going to be.

But then you have to stick to it. If you are really going to leave her, then you really have to do it. If you aren't going to, then don't, but don't threaten her.

And also, it would be a very good thing to work on yourself before you get involved with anyone else. Having an alcoholic ex is the kind of thing that causes baggage.

painterman

You are all so right and I fully understand about the baggage, I suppose I'm just looking to lighten up and enjoy life a little, having realised that I cannot change my partners drinking habits. I have told her repeatedly that if she carries on drinking it will result in us breaking up, I'm going to Al Anon and really trying to work on myself-it's not like I'm making a decision to cheat on my partner-I just feel very lonely when she drinks, and that is too often lately. I know it would be foolish to rush into anything.

wanttobehealthy

painterman- just wanted to send you my warmest thoughts... i never felt lonelier than when i was still with AH and felt day after day was dreary. i had fleeting thoughts for the past few yrs of "oh gee i'd love someone to come sweep me off my feet" ... since AH moved out, i haven't been lonely in that way and haven't had any interest in pursuing a new r/s... i imagine that you are looking less for a r/s with someone else and more for peace in your life. i don't happen to think that there's much of a chance of having that (peace) while living with an active A.

Freedom1990

Insanity = repeating the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

It doesn't do much good to say such things when we are not willing to follow through on the consequences.

Was I lonely when I walked away from EXAH? Yes.

Sadly I choose to "date" while still broken inside and went from one dysfunctional relationship to another for 11 long miserable years after leaving EXAH.

That's 11 years I cheated myself out of recovery from codependency and fixing my broken insides.

"Dating" did not solve the problem, which was me. I was the common denominator in each of those relationships.

Doing the internal work is hard, but I certainly didn't die from my loneliness, and have come to enjoy my own company a great deal these days.

EnglishGarden

I just adore those dog faces, Freedom. It reminds me there are many forms of love.

Painterman, recovery is based on honesty. We don't recover if we aren't honest.

Whatever you choose, it would be best for you that it is not something you have to hide.

painterman

One good reason why I keep coming back here-advice from you lovely people who have been through it and know what it's all about. Thanks for those thoughts wtbh, I've had a very trying week emotionally and I suppose that certainly isn't the time to be making decisions, seems to be stress and more stress.

painterman

Not so simple to just walk away when we have a teenage daughter in the middle of exams, maybe in 6 months time when she's at University it will be a different story ( and still I'm thinking can I deprive my children of the space they have always come back to .)