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STBRAH is going to make me have a nervous breakdown. PLease help need advise!



STBRAH is going to make me have a nervous breakdown. PLease help need advise!

Old 02-29-2012, 07:53 AM
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STBRAH is going to make me have a nervous breakdown. PLease help need advise!

Really! I just need to start a blog! It continues today. After not helping me pick up D4 that was throwing up at school, he agreed to watch him today because D4 now has a fever. He knew about this at 5 yesterday and that we were also expecting an ice storm. Which is was icy but had let up by 6:45 or so. I text him at 6:20. "Can you try to come early in case the roads are bod?" NO ANSWER Call at 6:30 No ANSWER He calls me at 6:50 which is the time he was originally suppose to be at the house and just woke up. It's not his fault the alarm didn't go off and he couldn't find his phone. Then, He showed up 40 minutes later. He is ten minutes away!!! I had to call in to miss my first hour class after taking off suddenly yesterday to get my sick son. REMINDER: STBXRAH Is unemployed!!!!!

Will he ever realize running out of gas, alarm clock not going off, and asking D9 to lie to his mother are not accidents! They are his fault! He thinks I am overacting because I have said he is putting our kids in danger. I am going to have a nervous breakdown and no life because I have to wait to find out if he is dependable everytime he is suppose to be with kids.

And is the garlicky, stale odor him drinking? Or a sign that an organ is not processing his food correctly from past drinking?
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Old 02-29-2012, 08:03 AM
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Originally Posted by brownhorse View Post
I am going to have a nervous breakdown and no life because I have to wait to find out if he is dependable everytime he is suppose to be with kids.
He's already proven to you that it's a crap shoot on whether he's dependable or not. Remember, insanity is repeating the same thing over and over, and expecting different results.

I finally realized the only person I could depend on was me when it came to my youngest daughter's RAF.

For me, expectations were resentments just waiting to happen.

I couldn't even depend on him for regular child support (at a measly $110 a month).

I learned to be 100% responsible for my daughter, actually both of my daughters, and pretend that RAF didn't exist, or my oldest daughter's father.

That brought much peace, and less frustration to my life.

I can't control what other people do/don't do, but I can sure control what I do.

Sending you hugs of support.
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Old 02-29-2012, 08:04 AM
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Double post!
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Old 02-29-2012, 08:07 AM
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I hear ya!

I too kept getting frustrated with my partner when it came to helping with the kids, finances, discipline, etc.

I learned, with time, that I could not rely on my partner. I had to have a plan B that did not involve asking an alcoholic to be reliable.

As mad as I would initially get at my A, it usually shifted to anger at myself for having a premeditated expectation - again!

I kept expecting reasonable, sane actions from an unreasonable, insane adult.
I was still going to the hardware store looking for fresh bread.

It was a real struggle to come up with other options for childcare, finances and creative discipline - but I felt stronger for having learned how to do things without relying on the A in my life. It was part of my recovery process. I was learning to take better care of myself and my children and trusting myself to make good decisions.

Today: go ahead and vent/scream/curse/punch a pillow or whatever it takes to get this anger out of your system. The sooner you are rid of the anger (without harming others) the sooner you will be able to focus on your today.

What can you do today to take care of YOU and Your little ones?
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Old 02-29-2012, 08:30 AM
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BTDT. I was on the verge of that breakdown for a long time. Like those before me, I learned that if I took him out of the equation my life was much more peaceful. I had security, dependability, accountability, etc. Your life can work no matter what he does as long as you don't count on what he does. You can make it so you don't have to count on him.

I moved out of my dream house and to a smaller town so I would not have to count on his child support. I paid daycare so I would not have to count on his parenting while I worked. I also didn't have to worry so much about him showing up on my door step. I did not make commitments or plan personal time unless I had a babysitter or other arrangement. If he was supposed to pick them up at 10am and I had a commitment that day I emailed him and said I had to leave at 11am (or whatever) and if was not there by then I would take the kids with me. I did not plan things that the kids couldn't be along for.

A big part of what my xah was doing was playing games with me. It was a big game to him to see how much drama he could create in my life. I didn't believe that at first but there was a couple times surrounding visitation that drove that point home. It wasn't about him or the kids, it was about me and making me 'pay' or manipulating me.

It works. It is such a relief! He moved far away now and I am really and truly all alone - and that is even better. I don't even have to think about accommodating him. He is apparently sober now so it might not be better for the kids but it isn't my life so I no longer spend time thinking about his choices. They are what they are.
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Old 02-29-2012, 08:43 AM
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I agree, time to start formulating a plan B. I would start looking for alternative babysitting resources, perhaps you could trade off services with someone. I remember what a nightmare it was to make sure the kids were taken care of just so I could get to work. I found that alot of my daughter's friend's parents were very helpful and we exchanged babysitting services. It saved me a bundle of money.

I am so sorry for all the stress and craziness in your life. Keep going forward, no expectation = no disappointment. You can do this, all for the greater good.

Just breathe, take care........
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Old 02-29-2012, 08:45 AM
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oh gosh i feel for you--

first, my guess? yes, he is drinking... and frankly even if he isn't, his behavior is petulant, juvenile, selfish, irresponsible and blaming so he might be sober (though i doubt it) but he is still behaving quite alcoholically.

do you have any family or friends around? i ask bc i decided (way too late mind you) not to ask stbxah to help anymore (now he can't bc of a RO but before that i mean).

for ex/ i might call and say child is sick, can you help tomorrow. if he says yes, leave it at that, don't remind, call again, or depend on him showing up. make a back up plan so that YOU are in control. that way if he shows when he is expected, great and if not, you can calmly go to plan b.

i told stbxah probably 7-8 months ago that if he agreed to do something (helping with the girls primarily) and said he'd be there at X time, that that was my expectation. and i added that if he was more than 5 min late, i'd go with plan b and he needn't bother to show up.

result? he showed up on time a few times to help and then tried to not show when he promised and come late and i made sure i was ready to leave to go with plan b and followed through. he got very angry (just to forwarn you) but the relief of not anticipating "oh my god will he or won't he show up" was well worth the verbal diarreah he threw at me.

i know how hard it is as a teacher to have to cancel classes and it impacts a lot of people and i can imagine how upset you are. do you have a good r/s with your administrator bc it might be worth saying simply that your other half simply didn't show and letting your job know that it won't occur regularly and that you were as surprised as anyone that this happened...

so so sorry for all you are dealing with.

he will test your limits and push even more from this point on i am sure. try to have a plan b who you can depend on so that you don't have to be tied to an irresponsible jerk who can't be counted on.

xo
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Old 02-29-2012, 09:09 AM
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Thanks all! It helps alot. I do have everything in place so that I depend on him for nothing except sick kids. I do not have a mom that will take kids that are sick. And friends have kids and do not want to get them sick. So, it is up to me. Problem is I have to call in by a certain time or I do get written up. I can not "wait" to see if he shows up. I have to call in a sub. Which I guess is the answer. He has not missed work once because of sick kids in the 11 years we were married. I am just afraid this is going to effect my job.
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Old 02-29-2012, 09:15 AM
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It is a legitimate concern and one I've had to deal with it too. No mom, sisters, or even friends. My job is more flexible so that is a real advantage to me. I am also flexible with my job going above and beyond when I can so I get some leeway when I need it and that has worked for me. I have good bosses.

Your idea of just calling in a sub right away is a good one.
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Old 02-29-2012, 09:22 AM
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brownhorse.... i seriously was you last year and the year before and it impacted my job tremendously. i was certain i did not have any options and felt that way (and did have limited options but there are always options) and the reality is that i COULD have come up with a better solution than depending on AH if i'd been willing to.

i did not want to ask friends and put them out or risk hearing no. i did not want to deal with the discomfort of possibly saying that i had to ask for help bc AH was unreliable.

i wish i'd done things differently. i let my career be impacted by AH bc i didn't want to accept that i'd have to start looking elsewhere for help and didn't want to accept that i couldn't do it all myself.

i won't lie- it WILL impact your job. but it doesn't have to. ideas: ask a neighbor if they are willing to help in a pinch, call a friend who you are certain doesn't want to take a sick kid and ask if in an emergency they will. if AH can not be relied on (i get that you have to call early-- me too) then have a different plan that doesn't involve him at all. ask work about their employee assistance program and maybe through that you can get info about emergency childcare options...

i didn't ask people for help for many of the reasons you list and you know what? once i did ask bc i wished i'd asked sooner. people are willing to help. but you have to ask. i wished that someone would just offer or a comfortable and easier solution would present itself but it didn't. i had to struggle and figure it out but i found when i started to look and ask for help that there actually WAS a lot out there...

i am so sorry for all you are going through. i literally know exactly what you are experiencing and feel so terribly for you...
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Old 02-29-2012, 09:24 AM
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Will he ever realize running out of gas, alarm clock not going off, and asking D9 to lie to his mother are not accidents!
The answer is no, not while he is drinking. The only way I kept from going nuts was finally accepting this is the true nature of an active alcoholic. And then taking action.
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Old 02-29-2012, 09:38 AM
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And is the garlicky, stale odor him drinking? Or a sign that an organ is not processing his food correctly from past drinking?
mine used to chew raw garlic to hide the alcohol on his breath.
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Old 02-29-2012, 10:37 AM
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OMG> The raw garlic is such an eye opener. I know he drinks NA beer but my lawyer said it doesn't matter. Thanks so much!! You guys have been a god send today. I have been so on edge.
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Old 02-29-2012, 10:38 AM
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OMG> The raw garlic is such an eye opener. I know he drinks NA beer but my lawyer said it doesn't matter. Thanks so much!! You guys have been a god send today. I have been so on edge.
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Old 02-29-2012, 10:39 AM
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OMG! thanks so much. You guys have got me through a very hard day!!!
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Old 02-29-2012, 11:35 AM
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Brownhorse: You've gotten some very good advice here. I was at the end of my rope (and am sometimes still) as my RAH/AH is on and off the wagon. He's back on now, but I have no expectations anymore that he won't have a relapse. Some things not mentioned here, if you have the time, try Al-Anon ... it saved my life. It taught me to focus on myself instead of him, not enabling him, detaching from the behavior, etc. I've take some classes at the local university, picked up old hobbies and started reading novels more often when I'm detached so I can focus on myself. We both go to counseling as part of his IOP, so that helps but we've had some really bad sessions but good ones too. For me, as long as my RAH/AH is willing to work on his recovery, even if he slips, I'm in a good place as long as I can detach and do my own thing while he's drinking. It's a long road, a confounding disease and the things you describe scream out to me as behaviors of someone who is actively drinking and trying not to get noticed.

You've done well to put plans in place to protect yourself and your kids and to not depend on him for anything. Great start to your own recovery, but do try Al-Anon if you can, it's been a Godsend to me.... Take what you like and leave the rest...
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Old 02-29-2012, 11:35 AM
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Brownhorse: You've gotten some very good advice here. I was at the end of my rope (and am sometimes still) as my RAH/AH is on and off the wagon. He's back on now, but I have no expectations anymore that he won't have a relapse. Some things not mentioned here, if you have the time, try Al-Anon ... it saved my life. It taught me to focus on myself instead of him, not enabling him, detaching from the behavior, etc. I've take some classes at the local university, picked up old hobbies and started reading novels more often when I'm detached so I can focus on myself. We both go to counseling as part of his IOP, so that helps but we've had some really bad sessions but good ones too. For me, as long as my RAH/AH is willing to work on his recovery, even if he slips, I'm in a good place as long as I can detach and do my own thing while he's drinking. It's a long road, a confounding disease and the things you describe scream out to me as behaviors of someone who is actively drinking and trying not to get noticed.

You've done well to put plans in place to protect yourself and your kids and to not depend on him for anything. Great start to your own recovery, but do try Al-Anon if you can, it's been a Godsend to me.... Take what you like and leave the rest...
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Old 02-29-2012, 12:19 PM
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You've done great in taking care of yourself already! You'll be okay.

Days like this make you feel like you are taking one step forward (arranging daycare this summer)
and two steps back (sick child and absent parent).

It's all good!

It's part of the growth process.
I think it is Melody Beattie that describes growth in a circular swirling pattern (oh, what's the word...) like a tornado cyclone - the swirl is pushed forward by the slight backward rotation.
You just propelled yourself farther ahead!

Keep on keepin on!
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Old 02-29-2012, 12:20 PM
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I love that Pelican. I'm going to keep that thought in my back pocket, lol.
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Old 02-29-2012, 01:00 PM
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I guess I am different, because my ABF knows, if he doesn't straighten up, he will have nothing to do with our kids.

Threaten me with visitation, you will never get it. You live in your CAR, for God's sake.

I would rather do it all myself, knowing where my kids are at and who they are with and what is going on, than with someone I can't trust.

I have a son already who is 5 and I raised him on my own, with no help from his pos father, not emotionally, monetarily, nothing. He has never seen him, and that is the way I want it. It takes much more than sperm to be a father. Go ahead, hurt me all you want, but you will NEVER hurt my kids, or you will be dead.
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