"You've made his problem yours"
 

I came here because of RABF, but I stayed because of issues with my parents.

Reading about alcoholism and codependency has helped me understand myself and how I relate to other people.

About a few months ago, my mom was all hyped-up about a book she had read called Boundaries. Talking about how important it is to know how not to be manipulated by my father, etc. Well, I jumped right in with telling her all this stuff I had learned about manipulation and alcoholism. After awhile she interrupts me with, "I'm going to say something and it's probably going to make you mad. This whole conversation has been about alcoholism. You've taken HIS (bf) problem and made it yours."

Have I really? By educating myself?

I did before I got education and started working on my recovery. All of the problems were because of me, all of the issues were mine and I just needed to fix anything that made him uncomfortable.

I don't know if that helps or not. As I got education I stopped taking on his problems and making them mine. It was confusing for others though because I actually started "talking" about the problems more so it appeared more out there.

Choublak,

Is she misreading you and not seeing the dysfunction in their home and laying all at ABFs feet?

My mother who is the alcoholic in my life is the master of delfection, blame shifting and denial, she would not recognize the problem if it was tattooed on her forehead.

I just have to go back to my tool-kit and work on my recovery and let her get back to Land of Denial.

((((Choublak))) - I am not only an RA, I have loved ones who are A's, and happen to live with one (stepmom) along with my dad who is a first class enabler.

I tried to share my ES&H, what I've learned, but most of the time it's met with denial.

Yes, sometimes we DO take someone else's problem as our own. Been there, done that, got the t-shirts in every color:(

What I've finally come to accept (MOST of the time..I still slip) is some people just can't HEAR what I'm saying. They'd rather complain, blaim, deny etc. The best I can do? Take care of me, regarldess of what the people I love do

So far, it seems that I've made very progress, but I have heard my dad repeat things that I've shared with him, and it's like he's on the cusp of getting it.

My codie recovery has been FAR harder than my addiction one. I make some progress, I slip, and I slide. I come here to get re-grounded. If there's anything I've learned? It's not take what an A says as the truth...sting? Okay for a little bit. THey're in their own world, just as I was.

Keep the focus on you..try to let A's words slide off your back. You're not wrong abuout learning about addiction, IMO, you just hit a nerve...that's THEIR problem.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Well, the other day I spoke with her on the phone, and she said, "don't listen to me, I don't know what I'm talking about" so who knows.

Not my problem really.

Maybe she is angry that you have the courage to do what she doesn't.

My mother also gets angry with me about stuff like that. She is an ACOA, and untreated at that. I was in an intervention course a while back and they wanted me to go to meetings to write a paper on them, and she actually refused to watch my son for me while I did it. Literally. Because of her extreme denial about the situation, she was willing to let me fail a class.

Let me tell you, it's just as bad being the child of an ACOA as it is being an ACOA.

She is better now, especially because I am dealing with my own stuff with my ABF, but I still remember how she made me feel because of that. So I know what you are talking about.

This whole thing has been a cycle with her and my dad. He cheats and lies, my mom gets fed up, kicks him out, changes the locks even, he disappears for about a month or three with his mistress, then he starts coming around again, begs and pleads for my mom to take him back, makes a whole bunch of empty promises he has no intention of keeping, even cries. I don't know if the crying is real or fake or how he can be with his mistress one day and then come crying to my mom the very next day, but it works with my mom because she feels sorry for him and believes his empty promises. She is just getting to the point where she is not worried about him anymore. For the longest time my dad would use the crying and the emotional blackmail on her and she'd fall into the trap.

My REACTIONS to my loved one with alcohol problems and my loved one with an affair were very similiar and very codependent. I had more recovery under my belt with the affair though and it did help to work through it faster.

I don't consider myself an ACOA because neither of my parents drink. There was a lot of chaos though and I meet a lot of the criteria describing ACOA. For me I think this is a huge part of what I was working out in my relationship that included and affair and active drinking problems.