Blogs


Notices

Losing friend(s) due to my own recovery

Old 02-28-2012, 01:31 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
I AM CANADIAN
Thread Starter
 
fourmaggie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Blog Entries: 45
Question Losing friend(s) due to my own recovery

i have been in recovery for 2 years now....just now getting into step 4....

i seem to be losing friend(s) due to my recovery....i practise it every day...and never change them for what they are...yes, the toxic of their friendship shakes my head...

now due to something so simple to "talk" about...my friend has totally cut me off...."something so simple, us humans make things so complicated"....she has done this to me before....

I do except things for what they are...but to be so lonely? I am a younger al anoner member...nothing against the over 50...but there is no one to talk too...

i cant be the only one going through this....
fourmaggie is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to fourmaggie For This Useful Post:
Florence (02-29-2012), Willybluedog (02-28-2012)
Old 02-28-2012, 02:00 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Linkin Park Enthusiast
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
Blog Entries: 1
If she can't accept you for who you are, that sounds more like her problem than yours.

I have been through many friends over the years, and the only one who has stayed with me is the one in my head (you know, my conscience, I don't have multiple personalities or anything, although if I did I suspect I would have more friends in my head).

And as I find out, yeah, I miss them for a while, but someone else will come along. As we all grow and mature, some people don't and they are left behind.
inpieces314 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to inpieces314 For This Useful Post:
fourmaggie (02-28-2012), Willybluedog (02-28-2012)
Old 02-28-2012, 03:09 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
I AM CANADIAN
Thread Starter
 
fourmaggie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Blog Entries: 45
i guess for me, maybe my self esteem gets effended..and i still wonder *what did i do wrong?*
fourmaggie is offline  
Old 02-28-2012, 03:10 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
I AM CANADIAN
Thread Starter
 
fourmaggie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Blog Entries: 45
double post
fourmaggie is offline  
Old 02-28-2012, 03:11 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
I AM CANADIAN
Thread Starter
 
fourmaggie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Blog Entries: 45
holy smokes! triple post!
fourmaggie is offline  
Old 02-28-2012, 04:27 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,383
Fourmaggie-

A wise therapist told me once that sometimes when the people pleaser changes those around us don't like it very much.

For me that was above and beyond my qualifier but extended to so many relationships in my life.

As I really start to heal my friendships are changing also. I too am under 50 and don't have a lot of people in the same age bracket in Al-anon. I am struggling to trust myself right now to choose to have people in my life that are healthy, because I have not always done that in the past.

The whole experience of recovery is healing, but this part is kind of disorienting....I am with you, and can relate.
LifeRecovery is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to LifeRecovery For This Useful Post:
Florence (02-29-2012), fourmaggie (02-29-2012), jessiec (02-28-2012), Linkmeister (02-29-2012), Marytherboo (02-28-2012), MrsBrown (02-28-2012), naive (02-29-2012)
Old 02-28-2012, 04:32 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Willybluedog's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Blog Entries: 3
That is a big reason why I am here instead of somewhere else, most of the people I know cannot fathom what I have been through, people here understand and they don't bail at the first sign of discomfort.
Willybluedog is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Willybluedog For This Useful Post:
akalacha (02-29-2012), fourmaggie (02-29-2012), inpieces314 (02-28-2012), Linkmeister (02-29-2012), naive (02-29-2012)
Old 02-28-2012, 04:41 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
MsGrace's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Portland OR
Posts: 280
Thank you for your post. Recovery doesn't really have an age I think...we all have experienced the saddness and the anger and the heartache of addiction.

What I discovered is that recovery really was all about me. As I got serious about recovery myself, I began to change. Al Anon was so helpful in pointing me in the right direction. The pain we feel is not restricted to an age.

But back to my point: as we begin to recover, to heal, to re-build our self esteem, we WANT that change. A stronger, clearer version of ourselves. The people we attracted into our lives or put up with in our lives also must change when we do, in many cases. When I re-discovered my own self worth, I no longer had a tolerance for those that would abuse me in any way. That doesn't mean that we don't have feelings when those people must be culled from our personal sphere, but that process is a positive one.

I attracted an entirely new group of friends who honor themselves and me, and any of the former drama of unhealthy behavior is nowhere to be found.

Recovery is purely for us. I found it helpful to embrace all that means: including letting everything that did not honor me or respect me, fall away.

Hope this was helpful to you...that is how it was intended!
MsGrace is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to MsGrace For This Useful Post:
Cyranoak (02-28-2012), jessiec (02-28-2012), Linkmeister (02-29-2012), naive (02-29-2012), sesh (02-29-2012), theuncertainty (02-28-2012), Willybluedog (02-28-2012)
Old 02-28-2012, 05:20 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,047
Often recovery means letting friends go. Often it also means getting new ones that speak the same language you do.

C-
Cyranoak is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Cyranoak For This Useful Post:
Linkmeister (02-29-2012), naive (02-29-2012), theuncertainty (02-28-2012), Tuffgirl (02-28-2012), Willybluedog (02-28-2012)
Old 02-28-2012, 06:11 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Linkin Park Enthusiast
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
Blog Entries: 1
At the end of the day, no matter what you have been through, you know who your friends are by who is still standing with you. Anyone who has left you in your time of need is not worth it. This goes for anyone, addict, codie, normie, whatever.

I don't think there is a single person on the planet who has not lost a friend. But the trauma of that loss makes you more able to appreciate the friends that come afterward.
inpieces314 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to inpieces314 For This Useful Post:
Linkmeister (02-29-2012), Willybluedog (02-28-2012)
Old 02-29-2012, 04:51 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
I AM CANADIAN
Thread Starter
 
fourmaggie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Blog Entries: 45
well, this is the second time with a round about of friends...

due to the death of my husband 10 years ago, they all dumped me and left...in my grief...so its not that i am shy of friends and being dumped or blamed at

it just hurts is all....
fourmaggie is offline  
Old 02-29-2012, 04:54 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
I AM CANADIAN
Thread Starter
 
fourmaggie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Blog Entries: 45
Originally Posted by inpieces314 View Post
At the end of the day, no matter what you have been through, you know who your friends are by who is still standing with you
thats the whole point...its official...i have not one friend in my life now...i have my mom and my aunt...thats it...

I do go to al anon but i am YOUNGER in my group....not that there is anything wrong with that...i have gone to different groups...even my sponsor is older...

its hard...very hard....two young kids still at home....
fourmaggie is offline  
Old 02-29-2012, 05:08 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
i have discovered that loneliness will not kill me!

plus, you actually are not alone. you have the company of your children, your mother, your aunt and all of us here.

fourmaggie, i'm sure you know the drill. if you want more friends, put yourself out there a bit. perhaps your aunt or mother could babysit one night while you go and explore some new thing you've always wanted to do? tennis, swimming, water color painting class, sewing class, part time job, whatever it is that you are interested in pursuing for your life.

you are half way there. you have identified a very valid need of yours: more friends. you have a choice to create a plan of action and go find those new friends!
naive is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to naive For This Useful Post:
LifeRecovery (02-29-2012), sesh (02-29-2012)
Old 02-29-2012, 05:15 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
sesh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
I am a bit of a private person, I don't have that many friends. I use to have a lot of acquaintances, but all of them faded away from my life, when I started withdrawing from everyone due to the way I felt because of my RAH's alcoholism.

I have one friend that always stood by me, no matter what. Since I've been in recovery our relationship has been challenged few times (sometimes it was me, other times it was her) but each time we have managed to work it out.
I was changing and the dynamics of out friendship was bound to change too. Sometimes even when I felt I'm going against myself I decided to give her some time so she'd have space to come around and ajust to new me. I guess friendships as any other relationships are about compromise.

Saying all this of course I have no idea what it the issue between you and your friend, and what your relationship is like. I just wanted to share the way I feel about friendships in my own life, hoping it might somehow be helpful to you.
I'm sorry you're feeling lonely.
Take care
sesh is offline  
Old 02-29-2012, 07:48 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
you are definitely NOT the only one experiencing this... i posted maybe a month ago about a horror incident with 2 "friends" and it was largely due to my recovery and my changing and their not being okay with it or comfortable with a different me...

sad, and kind of lonely at times. but i remind myself that i'd prefer that to the dysfunction of who i was for so many years prior...

i posted a thread about this reason, season, lifetime quote i really liked that i found around the time of my friends really turning on me last month... i'll find it and repost it... it doesn't make the loneliness happier or anything but being able to view the friendships as having been a "season" kind of thing has helped me not be so bummed out by it...

here it is...

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
wanttobehealthy is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to wanttobehealthy For This Useful Post:
Chino (02-29-2012), LifeRecovery (02-29-2012), sesh (02-29-2012)
Old 02-29-2012, 01:18 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Linkin Park Enthusiast
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
Blog Entries: 1
Originally Posted by fourmaggie View Post
thats the whole point...its official...i have not one friend in my life now...i have my mom and my aunt...thats it...

I do go to al anon but i am YOUNGER in my group....not that there is anything wrong with that...i have gone to different groups...even my sponsor is older...

its hard...very hard....two young kids still at home....
I really thought you were describing me there for a minute.

I have no friends either. And I used to be sad about that, but I am over it now. I am comfortable in my life, and to be honest, friends are something I don't really have time for, so I would not be fair to anyone anyway.

My ABF makes fun of me because he has all these friends and I have none. Like it hurts my feelings. Trust me, I would rather have no friends than his. I don't have to worry about my "friends" stealing my car/money/keys, using me, getting me drunk so they can steal said stuff, running around and telling my ex everything I am doing wrong so she can use it against me in court, etc. etc. etc. The list goes on and on. I can trust myself. I can deal with myself, I can live with myself. And if I never again have any friends, it is enough to enjoy my own company, because the person I most drive insane is myself.
inpieces314 is offline  
Old 02-29-2012, 02:32 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
I AM CANADIAN
Thread Starter
 
fourmaggie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Blog Entries: 45
Originally Posted by naive View Post

fourmaggie, i'm sure you know the drill. if you want more friends, put yourself out there a bit. perhaps your aunt or mother could babysit one night while you go and explore some new thing you've always wanted to do? tennis, swimming, water color painting class, sewing class, part time job, whatever it is that you are interested in pursuing for your life.
i do put myself out there...money is a great big ISSUE here also...i volunteer alot...yes, i do have kids, 10 and 9...and are starting to explore OUTSIDE THE HOUSE...which is great...

my friend just up and dumped me...this is her normal behaviour cuz she has done this too me before...always something i said that "she" did not like...and i actually know what i said to her...it was about men in general and i said "i am a deserving and worthy person, i dont need that crap in my life"...i was referring to ME...not her and her MM boyfriend...

I am content with me and being alone...trust me i do...and i am comfortable...i even go to bars to listen to my one favorite bad...just wish there was a "buddy"..

thanks for your replies....guess i have to have patience
fourmaggie is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to fourmaggie For This Useful Post:
sesh (03-01-2012)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:23 AM.