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My emotions keep waffling

Old 02-28-2012, 01:31 PM
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My emotions keep waffling

Not sure if that's the right term, LOL. I keep waffling between compassion and anger towards my AH right now. He got his DUI 10 days ago and I've been just trying to find some peace and serenity and forgiveness. One minute I feel compassion and love for him and I reach out to him and give him a hug, tell him I love him, etc. Then, an hour later I'm starting to think about all the lies, the cost of the DUI, the threats of suicide and all his other emotional garbage he's throwing at me(telling me that I'm not capable of trusting him ever again, saying that he'll have to answer to me as his judge from now on, etc), the danger he was to our son(drinking while driving with him in the car), etc. and then I get mad all over again.
I know he's hurting. I know he's angry at himself. I refuse to pile on my own anger towards him because I feel like that's what he wants. I have no desire to be intimate with him, though. Maybe it's too soon. He's not trying any recovery programs and wants to just quit on his own. He's not confiding in friends or even going to his psychologist so I guess I'm afraid that he's just going to slip again and that I'll be dealing with this all over again. I have not set any boundaries and maybe I need to decide what I really am willing to put up with? I'm so confused right now, just a jumble of different emotions that seem to swing hourly. UGH!
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Old 02-28-2012, 01:47 PM
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Maybe it is time to either get some private counseling for you, or to try some different Alanon meetings.

There is nothing like 'face to face' with someone who has been or is where you are now and who can help you sort those 'jumbled' thoughts into practical lists that you can work on.

Of course, keep posting here, lol we will help when we can.

It might help you to start a journal and write all these confusing thoughts down in that journal. That can be a big help.

I suspect your 'compassion' is for the man your remember and that your anger is for the man he is now.

To be honest, I am more concerned on how this affecting your child. It might be wise to find some counseling for him also, so he doesn't feel like he is 'tattling to you about daddy or tattling to daddy about you.

Hope that helps a bit.

J M H O

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Love and hugs,
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Old 02-28-2012, 01:51 PM
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I think, sometimes, in the midst of all this madness that alcoholics do, in the midst of the insanity they make us feel, in the midst of the harm they are doing to us, we forget something:
They are people too.

I say this because I am angry at my ABF for what he did to me, I totally hate him right now, and I made the mistake of calling him an hour ago, knowing it was wrong, and I was shocked. He said, and I quote verbatim: "I have come to the realization today that I am about to lose everything." Yup, I hate him, whatever my feelings are, but really, at the end of the day, he is in a worse place than me, even if he is the one who put himself there. I don't envy him for that at all. I sometimes have a problem for wanting to kill myself, and his new thing is to ridicule me for it, but really, if I were him, I really would do it, and I don't see how he doesn't. His life really sucks.

Anyway. Yeah, you are angry, and you totally have a right to be. But you are making the right decision in not dealing with the DUI. That is his issue altogether, and has nothing to do with you. After all, he never would have gotten it if he weren't drinking. And I am sure he is angry at himself, because he knows he is wrong, and he knows he needs help, and if he is anything like my ABF, it kills him to admit that he has faults. But don't forget that he is going to get his punishment, and it's not going to be good for him. It will definitely make him even angrier, and he also has a right to be angry (although his anger should be directed toward himself-who knows if that is really where it is at right now). This is just hard times.

Hopefully this will be his bottom, and will make him wake up. But you don't know until he tries. And even then, both of you are going to be angry for a while. But just acknowledging it makes it better, because then it is out in the open.
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Old 02-28-2012, 07:05 PM
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Laurie, I actually went to my therapist today and my son sees a psychologist, as well. We've always been a family who believes in using a non-partial third party to help us work through things. We told our son that if he felt he needed to go to his counselor, we'd get the first available appointment for him, no questions asked.

And, yes, inpieces: I do hope this is his bottom. I keep praying that he will choose a recovery program but I have to leave that up to him.
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Old 02-28-2012, 08:39 PM
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Wishing you and your family the best.

While I understand the DUI is "his" issue, your son's safety is absolutely yours. Please do whatever you must to protect him and yourself.
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Old 02-28-2012, 10:49 PM
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You have no boundaries and he has no recovery.

Addiction is winning.

Al-Anon and AA are both free of charge.

When one or either of you is ready to confront the reality of the family disease, you will be welcome at meetings and supported in facing reality and changing your lives.

Please do not trust any promise your husband makes about never driving drunk with your child again.

He will not keep it.
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Old 02-29-2012, 06:54 AM
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Originally Posted by EnglishGarden View Post
You have no boundaries and he has no recovery.

Addiction is winning.

Al-Anon and AA are both free of charge.

When one or either of you is ready to confront the reality of the family disease, you will be welcome at meetings and supported in facing reality and changing your lives.

Please do not trust any promise your husband makes about never driving drunk with your child again.

He will not keep it.
I have just started in Al Anon. I have been going to 2 meetings a week but have not found a sponsor yet.

He is traveling on business this week and asked me last night if I was going to ask him if he had anything to drink. I was shocked. I hadn't even thought about it because I figured the DUI was too fresh in his mind right now and that he swore off alcohol anyway. He said he didn't drink, but I told him that's his business and that I really hadn't even thought about asking. Makes me wonder how long he's going to be able to stay sober unless he has a program to help him. Right now, he's trying to do it ALONE. Comments like those make me wonder how bad the urge to drink is for him right now and I just keep praying and using my Al Anon tools to keep me sane!
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Old 02-29-2012, 09:21 AM
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my two cents, but i have ZERO compassion for anyone who chooses to drink and drive. i was once that person, and i am so grateful that i never harmed anyone thru my own stupidity.
I agree 100%. Addiction specialists consider alcohol to be the worst drug of all because of the damage done to other people. When it comes to life and death matters, I don't cut anyone slack. Thank God the laws are harsh.
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Old 02-29-2012, 09:52 AM
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alcoholic translator tool

AH: when are you going to ask me about my drinking? i didn't drink.

translation: i am currently drinking. because i am so unique and clever, i can hide my drinking so well, you will never discover it.
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Old 02-29-2012, 10:15 AM
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Originally Posted by naive View Post
AH: when are you going to ask me about my drinking? i didn't drink.

translation: i am currently drinking. because i am so unique and clever, i can hide my drinking so well, you will never discover it.
This is what I think, too. Doesn't really matter, does it? I have to work on my program of recovery, not his. Maybe the DUI wasn't his bottom, maybe it is just the top of the bottom for him?
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Old 02-29-2012, 12:24 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
maybe it is just the top of the bottom for him?
he might not be even within a thousand miles of the edge, liz. i would suggest not even focusing on what it will take for him to have had enough, but have that conversation with yourself instead.
Exactly! If he's not in active recovery and considers just stopping drinking as the only thing he needs to do, then I'm not sure he's hit bottom. This may be a temporary downhill slope with a ledge on it and he just hasn't fallen off that ledge....or maybe, he really will seek recovery as this DUI process moves on, maybe he will get better? It's not for me to say. Right now, I am focusing on my recovery, doing ODAAT, and making sure I have the finances in order, have a back up plan in case I need to leave, and I'm even thinking of putting my resume together, too. Currently, I homeschool our son. We have enough savings for me to make it in our house for about 18-24 months during which time I'd have to find a job and put my son in school. Plenty of time, in my opinion, especially if AH is supportive financially for our son(which I do trust he would be). Of course, I'm not making any definitive plans right now, it's just thoughts that are jumbled up in the back of my head!
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Old 02-29-2012, 12:39 PM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
Makes me wonder how long he's going to be able to stay sober unless he has a program to help him. Right now, he's trying to do it ALONE.
It is very easy to stop drinking, you just put the bottle down. The problem is learning how to not pick it back up again. That is what the programs are for, and if he doesn't work a program, he is guaranteed to drink again. The statistics prove it.

And if he is one of the very few who becomes a dry drunk, it is still because he hasn't done any meetings. Alcoholics balk at the idea of AA meetings, but it's not just to stop drinking, there is more involved, and THAT is what they are really scared of.
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Old 02-29-2012, 12:46 PM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
He got his DUI 10 days ago

all his other emotional garbage he's throwing at me(telling me that I'm not capable of trusting him ever again, saying that he'll have to answer to me as his judge from now on, etc),
I'm curious,
Has he been saying these things in the last 10 days?

If so, I believe his is already drinking or has plans to drink and fears you finding out. He is not afraid of alcohol and it's consequences - he is afraid of your reaction.

It sounds like an alcoholic that wants to go back to the only comforter who truly understands him and accepts him just as he is: the bottle.

Is there anything you can do to change this? No. But you already knew that and stated that in your post. Good on you!

Sending you encouragement and support as you continue to work on your recovery during this time.
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Old 02-29-2012, 03:16 PM
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I agree with Pelican, my RAH said these things to me regularly, during his drinking periods, "you ll never trust me any more" in other words, whats the point. I didnt know at these moments that he was drinking again.
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Old 02-29-2012, 03:59 PM
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Originally Posted by Pelican View Post
I'm curious,
Has he been saying these things in the last 10 days?

If so, I believe his is already drinking or has plans to drink and fears you finding out. He is not afraid of alcohol and it's consequences - he is afraid of your reaction.

It sounds like an alcoholic that wants to go back to the only comforter who truly understands him and accepts him just as he is: the bottle.

Is there anything you can do to change this? No. But you already knew that and stated that in your post. Good on you!

Sending you encouragement and support as you continue to work on your recovery during this time.
Well, he's always been self loathing and has told me that I should leave him, etc. The trust statement and the judging statement were new. Hence the reason that I feel that he may still drink again, if he hasn't already. He did also make a comment about how he'll NEVER be able to drink in front of me again, even though he swore the day before that he was done drinking FOREVER. He was already doing most of his drinking in secret, drinking after I went to bed and hiding in his closet. He'd take his empties to our neighborhood playground and throw them in with the juice boxes that the kids left there. Sad, really sad. He just was so ashamed and felt that I was over-reacting. Unfortunately, he now knows I was right which, I feel, will give him more incentive to drink again and keep hiding it. I hope and pray that I'm wrong, though.
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Old 02-29-2012, 04:05 PM
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Originally Posted by inpieces314 View Post
It is very easy to stop drinking, you just put the bottle down. The problem is learning how to not pick it back up again. That is what the programs are for, and if he doesn't work a program, he is guaranteed to drink again. The statistics prove it.

And if he is one of the very few who becomes a dry drunk, it is still because he hasn't done any meetings. Alcoholics balk at the idea of AA meetings, but it's not just to stop drinking, there is more involved, and THAT is what they are really scared of.
He was a dry drunk for the first 15 years of our marriage, he started drinking about 18 months ago and it really escalated with the binges in the past 6 months. I told him I wouldn't marry him if he kept drinking so he quit. Way back then, in my early 20s, I didn't realize that he needed more than to just put down the booze. I know better now and I am disappointed that he doesn't want to find a recovery program.
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Old 02-29-2012, 08:22 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
have you given enough of your years to quit waiting for someone else to get their act together?
To answer honestly: no, I guess not. I am hoping that Al Anon gives me the tools I need to move forward, with our without him.
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Old 02-29-2012, 08:47 PM
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Hate to tell you but recovery...even in a program is not all glitter and rainbows either.

Recovery itself is REALLY hard on a relationship..and family.

Most don't make it...not without the help of marriage therapy..and the like....(note: I said MOST..not ALL..)..just saying.

Your 8 sec bull ride ain't done yet. You're just in the qualifying round...you still have to go the long haul!
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Old 03-01-2012, 06:40 AM
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Originally Posted by blwninthewind View Post
Hate to tell you but recovery...even in a program is not all glitter and rainbows either.

Recovery itself is REALLY hard on a relationship..and family.

Most don't make it...not without the help of marriage therapy..and the like....(note: I said MOST..not ALL..)..just saying.

Your 8 sec bull ride ain't done yet. You're just in the qualifying round...you still have to go the long haul!
Are you referring to the marriage itself or to the alcoholic not staying away from the booze? Either way, that's a sucky way to look at it. LOL, did I just say 'sucky'? I don't even think that's a word but my 13 year old used it yesterday and it's stuck in my head!
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