TheStoic

Hi all, I'm new here and in fact this is my first post!

I'm looking for some advice. My mother is single and lives 1500 miles from me. She is an alcoholic. She has been an alcoholic since 1985. Her pattern is to go for a week or two without drinking and then drink for two weeks straight basically blacked out on the couch the entire time.

Mom has been to treatment about 6 times but never made it longer than three months sober after getting out.

She recently got her third DUI and lost her job as a bus driver.

So here is my predicament. My mother is penniless, jobless, cannot drive, and is a long way from me. My heart goes out to her as I cannot imagine the suffering she is going through.

What can I do to help? Please advise.

Thank you!

Willybluedog

Hello and welcome to you,

My mom has been an a bad alocoholic since about 1970, only difference is my dad has stayed around an enabled her all this time.

What do you want to do? Do you want to move her to your home or do you want to find some way to help her get on her feet where she is? It sounds to me like she has not hit bottom and not decided she wants to get better. If you enable her it will only prolong the time it takes her to hit bottom.

I can tell you I finally had to detach from my parents, I no longer involve myself in their day to day lives and do not go running anymore when my mo drinks herself into the ICU.

My advice would be for you to work on your own recovery, I am in counseling, many other folks here go to ala-non or acoa.

I recommend you jump over to the ACOA thread andread the "stickies" at the top, lots of good resources to help you with your recovery and then you may be able to better decide how to help you mom.

Best of luck to you,

Bill

TheStoic

I want to help as much as is feasible.

12 years ago I let her move in with me under the condition that she not drink. That only lasted a week though and I had to call the police to escort her out.

Now that I have a wife and kid it is very difficult for me to invite her back to live with us. My immediate family life is happy and I can't justify bringing an alcoholic in even if it is my mother. Maybe if she had demonstrated a significant amount of time sober, but that's not the case.

She is looking to join an organization called Teen Challenge. Apparently it is a year long program.

I would prefer not to sever our relationship. She is my mother after all and she brought me into this world. I try to focus on the positive aspects of our relationship. I don't think I ever expect her to stop drinking, but maybe Teen Challenge will help after all.

Willybluedog

I understand where you are coming from, I discuss this often with my therapist, she has suggested to me that I detach to the absolute limit that I can without a complete break. I don't talk to my mother unless I absolutely have to, I do see her on holidays, but those visits are generally short and during the day.

If you are not going to do al-anon, there are some good acoa books that might be of some benefit to you.

I hope this works out for you and your family,

Bill

SoaringSpirits

There is nothing you can do to help her. Only she can choose what path her life takes.
She must face the consequences of her actions.

How do you help her? You stay out of her way and let those consequences happen and do not try to rescue her. You work to understand alcoholism and how it affects you, and how you can have healthy boundaries....For me, this has meant reading the forum here at Sober Recovery, going to some Al Anon meetings, and reading books about alcoholism. My two favorites are "Under the Influence" by Milam and "Codependent no More" by Beattie.

TheStoic

How can she get help then? She wants treatment but can't afford treatment. She has no job and no insurance.

Willybluedog

I would suggest she go to the nearest Salvation Army, they will help her find a program and a place to stay.

I will pray for both of you.

Bill

Kialua

Welcome. I can tell you Teen Challenge helped a dear friend of mine. He was sober for 12 months after 50 year addiction, and then died from cancer, not related to addiction. My other friends son was also there and he has also remained sober now for several years. There is hope.

But I agree with not interfering with her process by helping too much. I know it's hard and it makes you feel guilty if you don't do enough. Like Bill said read through some of the stickies in AOCA forum, it might help you feel less angst.

Marytherboo

Could she get on Medicaid?

SoaringSpirits

AA is free and it's everywhere.
If she really truly wants help, she will find a way.

laurie6781

Here is what you can do to help her.

1) Google "AA and then her city and state" that will give you the phone number(s). Give those to your mother. IF she truly wants help and calls AA she can get some women to come and talk to her and give a ride to meetings.

2) Google "Salvation Army" with your mothers city and state. Get that number and give it to her. If she truly wants recovery, calls them and ASKS for help, they will do an evaluation, and if she fits the criteria (sounds like she will if she is honest) Salvation Army has a really great rehab that is free for those that really want recovery and have a pretty good success rate.

Upon completion of their program they will assist her in getting whatever state and/or federal aide she may qualify for and help her find a 'safe' place to live if her current quarters are no longer available.

3) Either get yourself some private counseling or try at least 6 meetings of Alanon. That is for YOU. Will help you set some realistic boundaries for you.

Other than that, you cannot rescue her. You cannot help her. Allow her the dignity of finding her own recovery or not. Allow her the dignity of feeling the consequences of her actions.

J M H O

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

inpieces314

She is not going to get help PERIOD until she wants to, so all this might be pointless to even talk about. I hate to be blunt, but really, this is where I am at right now. She is not going to do anything until and unless she wants to.

If she really wanted to do something, she would. If she really wanted help, she would find it somehow. Addicts are very resourceful people and they always seem to get what they want. She just needs to want it.

TheStoic

No, I looked into that. This is in North Dakota and the Medicaid coverage there is atrocious. At least until the 2014 Health Reform kicks in.

TheStoic

She has regularly gone to AA for 10 years now.

It hasn't been working for her for whatever reason.

TheStoic

Thanks Laurie!

1. She already goes to AA.
2. I will do this tomorrow! Thank you!!
3. I think I'm doing ok. My concern is for my mother. I think she is in a lot of trouble and may not have the tools to begin to dig her way out no matter how badly she wants it.

TheStoic

I agree with this. However, I think that she has reached a point where cognitively, even if she wants to change which I think she does, there are psychological disturbances going on with her that precludes a straight "it's all on you" approach.

laurie6781

Those two statements are totally contradictory to each other. SHE HAS THE TOOLS AT HAND. SHE HAS BEEN GOING TO AA FOR 10 YEARS. She just goes to meetings and does not do the work. When she is ready she has ROOMS FULL OF PEOPLE ready, willing and able to help.

Say a prayer daily that your mother's HP watch over her. Then get on with the business of living YOUR LIFE and taking care of YOUR FAMILY. You are still in 'codie' mode. And YES I understand that this is your mother. But ............................ your mother is an alcoholic, and we, yes even I, as a sober alkie for over 30 years cannot help your mother until SHE SAYS SHE WANTS HELP TO THE APPROPRIATE PEOPLE and those people are not her son or family, they are OTHER ALCOHOLICS living sober.

This is why I suggested some counseling and/or Alanon for you. IT will help you to get your eyes off of MOM and put them back on YOU and your current family.

I have known and worked with many that were worse than I was. This is BULL that she has manipulated you into thinking. Even at the end, when I would take a swig in, sitting on the concrete 'bumper' in the back of the Hollywood Bowl Park parking lot next to my car, and it would feel like it was coming out of my pores as fast as I poured it in. It was then I KNEW I was dying. It was then that I knew that if I kept drinking I would die soon, and that if I tried to sober up I would also die. But .................................. I wanted to die SOBER. I stopped. 15 1/2 hours later I was in the ER seizuring and having heart stoppages. This went on all day and on the last seizure and then heart stoppage the ER Dr decided after 28 minutes of me being down and what he had been going through with me all day to CALL IT. He was writing the TOD on my chart when my heart started on its own. I was given a second chance.

My point is, and this has also been for many I have worked with over the years, that I was still cognitive enough to KNOW I wanted sobriety, that I was not ready to die, as the others were not either.

As one of the consequences of her actions, she may have to hit a homeless shelter or two to get her 'awakening.' It is not for up to you to 'protect' her from that.

Go to Alanon, PLEASE.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

inpieces314

Then the change will come. Have faith.