Why was I attracted to an alcoholic in the first place?
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Why was I attracted to an alcoholic in the first place?
I didn't know he was an alcoholic when I met him; in fact neither did he. He had just graduated from college. The university he attended had/has a huge drinking culture. He blended in, or should I say, didn't stand out as an alcoholic.
So, I can ask myself why was I attracted to an alcoholic in the first place, but the only answer I can come up with is what I just typed above.
So, I can ask myself why was I attracted to an alcoholic in the first place, but the only answer I can come up with is what I just typed above.
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I have sometimes asked myself that same question....¨why was I attracted to an alcoholic in the first place¨
My A was not an alcohollic when I met him. Or at least, not obviously so. If I knew then what I know now about this disease I might have picked up on some of the warning signs. If I knew then how the drinking would eventually take over his whole life I would have backed off big time. But none of has a crystal ball, we can't know the future. We do the best we can with what we've got at the time. That's the only answer I can come up with.
My A was not an alcohollic when I met him. Or at least, not obviously so. If I knew then what I know now about this disease I might have picked up on some of the warning signs. If I knew then how the drinking would eventually take over his whole life I would have backed off big time. But none of has a crystal ball, we can't know the future. We do the best we can with what we've got at the time. That's the only answer I can come up with.
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If you have run across men over the years who were attracted to you who were not drinkers or into the partying scene, why were you not drawn to them? Maybe in pursuing that you will find some clues to the answer to your question. I struggle with that one, too.
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Location: Arizona
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I ask myself this same question, hoping to NOT repeat the experience.
I think if this was your first substance abusing partner it might just be that you were attracted to all the other things about him, and it is unfortunate that he is an alcoholic.
If this is a repeat situation for you, there might be something important for you to look for in yourself. At any rate, now you know things to look out for should you pursue a relationship in the future.
I also ask myself the question of why these men are attracted to ME. This isn't my first time getting involved with a substance abuser, so there is something going on there.
I
I think if this was your first substance abusing partner it might just be that you were attracted to all the other things about him, and it is unfortunate that he is an alcoholic.
If this is a repeat situation for you, there might be something important for you to look for in yourself. At any rate, now you know things to look out for should you pursue a relationship in the future.
I also ask myself the question of why these men are attracted to ME. This isn't my first time getting involved with a substance abuser, so there is something going on there.
I
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I ended up marring an alcoholic because my father was one and I was well trained by my mother in how to be a good codie. So, I didn't see anything was wrong. She was functional the 1st 15 or so years before she decided pills and booze were her life. Thanks to my background it took me forever to figure out I was allowed to take care of myself.
Your friend,
Your friend,
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For me it was a mix of things. I didn't feel comfortable with guys that had it all together. I saw the drinking as normal. We recreate our childhood to some extent and I couldn't make my parents happy as a child and so I found a very similar person and tried to make him happy. Him and I were a good 'fit'. We were both comfortable because our roles were familiar. I did not make judgements/decisions/assessments about who should be in my life or if they were good for me. I just didn't. You wonder into my life, you stay there until you decide to leave. I also didn't think it mattered. I thought I could work around any problem. Being married is a partnership though and you can't work around things, or at least I couldn't. Then I had children and everything changed. I did not view fathers as important (so figured I could work around a problem even with kids and even if that meant leaving) and boy was I wrong. I was 1000 percent wrong about fathers not being important. What an idiot I was and what a terrible and selfish decision I made for my kids.
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Originally Posted by sojourner 
If you have run across men over the years who were attracted to you who were not drinkers or into the partying scene, why were you not drawn to them? Maybe in pursuing that you will find some clues to the answer to your question. I struggle with that one, too.
At the university my RABF attended, if you didn't drink, something was "wrong" with you.
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It might seem like everybody at a particular university drinks and/or parties but that's not so. It's just that the two crowds do not mix esp socially. My two sons who do not drink or party intentionally looked for people at their university who did not drink or party. My son who became addicted only hung around with people at his university who did.
One of our priests talks about going to University of Michigan which is where he found God. He jokes about it and says, "Yes, can you believe it? But it is so." A young woman I know went to a major state school known for its partying, but she intentionally selected a dorm where all the other women students had expressed a desire (on a questionnaire during the admissions process) to not drink or party and wanted to live with other women with the same mind-set. The university provided a dorm for that probably because there were enough women to fill it.
Coublak, logic says that not every non-drinker is a super-duper Christian. Some intentional non-drinkers are atheist, some are agnostics, some are Buddhist, some are Muslim, some are Hindu. A lot of people over-do their evangelism just after their conversion and then moderate and become wiser with it as time goes on. You certainly sound like an intelligent gal, and I don't think I'm saying anything you have not already figured out. Are you desiring to find a mate who is only a social drinker because the non-drinking guy is just not a good fit? Again, I'm just saying all this stuff because your original question is a good one and one that I struggle with also.
One of our priests talks about going to University of Michigan which is where he found God. He jokes about it and says, "Yes, can you believe it? But it is so." A young woman I know went to a major state school known for its partying, but she intentionally selected a dorm where all the other women students had expressed a desire (on a questionnaire during the admissions process) to not drink or party and wanted to live with other women with the same mind-set. The university provided a dorm for that probably because there were enough women to fill it.
Coublak, logic says that not every non-drinker is a super-duper Christian. Some intentional non-drinkers are atheist, some are agnostics, some are Buddhist, some are Muslim, some are Hindu. A lot of people over-do their evangelism just after their conversion and then moderate and become wiser with it as time goes on. You certainly sound like an intelligent gal, and I don't think I'm saying anything you have not already figured out. Are you desiring to find a mate who is only a social drinker because the non-drinking guy is just not a good fit? Again, I'm just saying all this stuff because your original question is a good one and one that I struggle with also.
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In my case, broken people attract broken people.
Although neither of my parents have ever drank, the effects of generations of alcoholism on both sides of the family had permeated the environment.
There were no healthy boundaries as I was growing up. My father is an untreated ACOA, and my mother a severe codependent. On the outside, we appeared to be a 'normal' family, when in fact, we were far from it.
It took a lot of meetings, reading, and therapy for me to realize all the baggage I had brought into my adulthood from the years I was growing up.
Although neither of my parents have ever drank, the effects of generations of alcoholism on both sides of the family had permeated the environment.
There were no healthy boundaries as I was growing up. My father is an untreated ACOA, and my mother a severe codependent. On the outside, we appeared to be a 'normal' family, when in fact, we were far from it.
It took a lot of meetings, reading, and therapy for me to realize all the baggage I had brought into my adulthood from the years I was growing up.
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Originally Posted by sojourner
It might seem like everybody at a particular university drinks and/or parties but that's not so. It's just that the two crowds do not mix esp socially. My two sons who do not drink or party intentionally looked for people at their university who did not drink or party. My son who became addicted only hung around with people at his university who did.
One of our priests talks about going to University of Michigan which is where he found God. He jokes about it and says, "Yes, can you believe it? But it is so." A young woman I know went to a major state school known for its partying, but she intentionally selected a dorm where all the other women students had expressed a desire (on a questionnaire during the admissions process) to not drink or party and wanted to live with other women with the same mind-set. The university provided a dorm for that probably because there were enough women to fill it.
Coublak, logic says that not every non-drinker is a super-duper Christian. Some intentional non-drinkers are atheist, some are agnostics, some are Buddhist, some are Muslim, some are Hindu. A lot of people over-do their evangelism just after their conversion and then moderate and become wiser with it as time goes on. You certainly sound like an intelligent gal, and I don't think I'm saying anything you have not already figured out. Are you desiring to find a mate who is only a social drinker because the non-drinking guy is just not a good fit? Again, I'm just saying all this stuff because your original question is a good one and one that I struggle with also.
One of our priests talks about going to University of Michigan which is where he found God. He jokes about it and says, "Yes, can you believe it? But it is so." A young woman I know went to a major state school known for its partying, but she intentionally selected a dorm where all the other women students had expressed a desire (on a questionnaire during the admissions process) to not drink or party and wanted to live with other women with the same mind-set. The university provided a dorm for that probably because there were enough women to fill it.
Coublak, logic says that not every non-drinker is a super-duper Christian. Some intentional non-drinkers are atheist, some are agnostics, some are Buddhist, some are Muslim, some are Hindu. A lot of people over-do their evangelism just after their conversion and then moderate and become wiser with it as time goes on. You certainly sound like an intelligent gal, and I don't think I'm saying anything you have not already figured out. Are you desiring to find a mate who is only a social drinker because the non-drinking guy is just not a good fit? Again, I'm just saying all this stuff because your original question is a good one and one that I struggle with also.
A whole dorm for non-drinkers. Wow. The university I went to only had a floor for that.
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Now that you mention it, it could have been just a floor and not a dorm. But I thought she said a whole building. But it was a building that was physically distant from the majority of the dorm buildings. It was a big university.
After all I've been through, I'd rather go with the guy who has intentionally developed a life and a social group that does not include drinking because I know that alcoholism can rear it's ugly head in somebody in their older years, and I sure don't want to take that chance. What I see as social drinking at the beginning of a romance could really be a lot more because the other person can successfully hide that stuff from me for a long time.
Thanks for bringing this up. It gives me some things to ponder about myself today.
After all I've been through, I'd rather go with the guy who has intentionally developed a life and a social group that does not include drinking because I know that alcoholism can rear it's ugly head in somebody in their older years, and I sure don't want to take that chance. What I see as social drinking at the beginning of a romance could really be a lot more because the other person can successfully hide that stuff from me for a long time.
Thanks for bringing this up. It gives me some things to ponder about myself today.
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I think that we choose to have relationships in our life that allow us to heal.
Sometimes that healing is painful. I don't want to repeat these lessons I need to learn though so am trying to learn them this go round.
For me I needed to heal from growing up with two, unrecovered ACOA parents that had a lot of rage in the house, but no other emotion. I did not know what a healthy relationship was. I felt comfortable in my own recovery when meeting my ex (and that was my biggest concern, how my problems were going to impact our relationship). Honestly it did not even occur to me that someone else would bring their own baggage.
It is hard, painful and tough...on the other hand though I have learned so much that I needed to learn, that I don't know I would have learned any other way.
Sometimes that healing is painful. I don't want to repeat these lessons I need to learn though so am trying to learn them this go round.
For me I needed to heal from growing up with two, unrecovered ACOA parents that had a lot of rage in the house, but no other emotion. I did not know what a healthy relationship was. I felt comfortable in my own recovery when meeting my ex (and that was my biggest concern, how my problems were going to impact our relationship). Honestly it did not even occur to me that someone else would bring their own baggage.
It is hard, painful and tough...on the other hand though I have learned so much that I needed to learn, that I don't know I would have learned any other way.
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I want to suggest that all of you read this book:
Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics by herbert L Gravitz and Julie D Bowden
It is a 144 page paperback 4.5 stars at amazon, cost is $10.77
This book is not strictly for ACOA's, because research shows that dysfunction in families causes children to develop typical ACOA behaviors.
This book has 72 questions and answers that go into why am I this way, what happened, why do I feel the way I do etc.
Some of the questions you are asking here in this forum are ACOA questions.
IMO you will see the questions you are asking and the answers you want in this book.
The people we choose are in a large part based on the people who raised us, these people make us be a "fixer" or a "people pleaser" or any one of a nunber of roles that we choose.
If you don't want to spring for the book then check out the stickies in the ACOA forum, I have posted some handouts from my therapist there, also there is a link to the URL for my photobucket, where even more information is located.
Also check out in the ACOA stickies : 13 characteristics of Adult Chldren of Alcoholics, I will be shocked if you don't see yourself in a good number of the 13.
If you do check these things out and find them helpful or if you think my brown eyes are because I am full of hooey, please post your thoughts here, I am very interested in your reaction.
Thanks,
Bill
Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics by herbert L Gravitz and Julie D Bowden
It is a 144 page paperback 4.5 stars at amazon, cost is $10.77
This book is not strictly for ACOA's, because research shows that dysfunction in families causes children to develop typical ACOA behaviors.
This book has 72 questions and answers that go into why am I this way, what happened, why do I feel the way I do etc.
Some of the questions you are asking here in this forum are ACOA questions.
IMO you will see the questions you are asking and the answers you want in this book.
The people we choose are in a large part based on the people who raised us, these people make us be a "fixer" or a "people pleaser" or any one of a nunber of roles that we choose.
If you don't want to spring for the book then check out the stickies in the ACOA forum, I have posted some handouts from my therapist there, also there is a link to the URL for my photobucket, where even more information is located.
Also check out in the ACOA stickies : 13 characteristics of Adult Chldren of Alcoholics, I will be shocked if you don't see yourself in a good number of the 13.
If you do check these things out and find them helpful or if you think my brown eyes are because I am full of hooey, please post your thoughts here, I am very interested in your reaction.
Thanks,
Bill
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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My answer to this one is: lack of self worth.
I found this answer looking at my other ex boyfriends.
Most of them were emotionally absent for different reasons.
I was the common denominator.
In therapy I looked at common traits for my dad and my ex boyfriends, it was eye-opening. They own their 50% of course but I owned my 50%. Now that at least I recognize this issue I have, my life is improving.
Be honest with yourself and you will find the answers you are seeking.
Hugs!
I found this answer looking at my other ex boyfriends.
Most of them were emotionally absent for different reasons.
I was the common denominator.
In therapy I looked at common traits for my dad and my ex boyfriends, it was eye-opening. They own their 50% of course but I owned my 50%. Now that at least I recognize this issue I have, my life is improving.
Be honest with yourself and you will find the answers you are seeking.
Hugs!
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 183
I didn't know how much he drank. I was in my early 20s and still in the party on the weekend phase myself, and although he's older than me by 11 years I never thought it was weird that he was still in the party on the weekend phase too. He was partying on the weekend and every other day as well.
It never even dawned on me that he could be an alcoholic until several years after we were married, and it took about 10 years of marriage for his drinking to escalate to the point where it made me and our son absolutely miserable. I kick myself sometimes for being so blind to it and for subjecting my child to so much stress.
It never even dawned on me that he could be an alcoholic until several years after we were married, and it took about 10 years of marriage for his drinking to escalate to the point where it made me and our son absolutely miserable. I kick myself sometimes for being so blind to it and for subjecting my child to so much stress.
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Originally Posted by choublak
if you didn't drink, something was "wrong" with you.
wow!
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@TakingCharge999]My answer to this one is: lack of self worth.
OMG! talk about light bulb moment! thank u
@TakingCharge999:Be honest with yourself and you will find the answers you are seeking!
I am doing just that...thank you!
OMG! talk about light bulb moment! thank u
@TakingCharge999:Be honest with yourself and you will find the answers you are seeking!
I am doing just that...thank you!
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In my case it was low self-esteem. A belief that I didn't deserve better and couldn't find anyone better. That's why recovery is an inside job ... I had to fix the parts that are broken in ME and then I started making better choices. What I learned is that I'm responsible for the people I allow in my life.
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