Should I phone a friend?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Austin, Tx
Posts: 43
Should I phone a friend?
My AW had been sober for over 5 yrs, but has been drinking again now for several months. I only noticed and confronted it a month ago.
Since our heavy drinking days, several of our friends have also taken to rehab and AA. One particular friend is still very active in AA, and also happens to be a coworker I see on a regular basis. My AW was there for him when he finally reached his breaking point and was ready to begin a life of sobriety. She had been sober about 2 yrs at that time and helped him get the help he desperately needed. We still socalize on a regular basis.
I have not told anyone (other than this forum) about her relapse. My question is, should I have our friend come by and talk to her, or am I overstepping my bounds? We are supposed to have dinner with them this week, but that is not really the proper setting for this discussion. I know he would be more than willing to discuss this with her if he knew. She functions very well most of the time and noone would know she was drinking unless you told them.
I know that I have no control to stop her drinking, only she can. She says her recovery is "going well" but she has not stopped drinking yet, and has not made any effort to attend AA meetings or online help. We are back to the hidden bottles around he house. At some point I will need to reset my boundries as I am all too familiar with the progression left unchecked. I know I can only work on me, but should I ignore potential help for her? I appreciate your input.
Since our heavy drinking days, several of our friends have also taken to rehab and AA. One particular friend is still very active in AA, and also happens to be a coworker I see on a regular basis. My AW was there for him when he finally reached his breaking point and was ready to begin a life of sobriety. She had been sober about 2 yrs at that time and helped him get the help he desperately needed. We still socalize on a regular basis.
I have not told anyone (other than this forum) about her relapse. My question is, should I have our friend come by and talk to her, or am I overstepping my bounds? We are supposed to have dinner with them this week, but that is not really the proper setting for this discussion. I know he would be more than willing to discuss this with her if he knew. She functions very well most of the time and noone would know she was drinking unless you told them.
I know that I have no control to stop her drinking, only she can. She says her recovery is "going well" but she has not stopped drinking yet, and has not made any effort to attend AA meetings or online help. We are back to the hidden bottles around he house. At some point I will need to reset my boundries as I am all too familiar with the progression left unchecked. I know I can only work on me, but should I ignore potential help for her? I appreciate your input.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello RoundII 
and pleased to "meet" you.
There are a great many things you can do for your wife, now that you are "on the other side of the fence". The first is to educate yourself on the whole concept of "intervention" as well as the details of how to do one correctly. We have some excellent information in the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum.
As far as having a friend come over to "12 step" her, it sounds to me like you have decided on a course of action, but you don't mention a backup plan, or how you are going to time the event. You haven't mentioned if she has a sponsor, or a home group, or a favorite closed women's meeting. All those people would have suggestions you might wish to consider. In another post you mentioned that you went to Al-Anon, are you still going? Do you have a sponsor in that program?
Interventions can work, and work well, but it takes very careful planning. Alkies in denial will protect the addiction at all costs. I don't know your story, but I assume that you know all about the single-minded obsession of the addict. An intervention that fails makes it far more difficult for the next one to succeed, so the general suggestion is to take a few days to learn all about it as well as investigate the resources available in your community.
I'm glad you decided to join us, and I am sorry to hear about your wife's relapse. My ex became addicted to prescription pills, so I understand a little about what you are going thru.
Mike
and pleased to "meet" you.There are a great many things you can do for your wife, now that you are "on the other side of the fence". The first is to educate yourself on the whole concept of "intervention" as well as the details of how to do one correctly. We have some excellent information in the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum.
As far as having a friend come over to "12 step" her, it sounds to me like you have decided on a course of action, but you don't mention a backup plan, or how you are going to time the event. You haven't mentioned if she has a sponsor, or a home group, or a favorite closed women's meeting. All those people would have suggestions you might wish to consider. In another post you mentioned that you went to Al-Anon, are you still going? Do you have a sponsor in that program?
Interventions can work, and work well, but it takes very careful planning. Alkies in denial will protect the addiction at all costs. I don't know your story, but I assume that you know all about the single-minded obsession of the addict. An intervention that fails makes it far more difficult for the next one to succeed, so the general suggestion is to take a few days to learn all about it as well as investigate the resources available in your community.
I'm glad you decided to join us, and I am sorry to hear about your wife's relapse. My ex became addicted to prescription pills, so I understand a little about what you are going thru.
Mike
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
IMO you know what you need to do to work on you.
I want to ask you a question. If you contact this person what will it accomplish?
Will your wife be receptive, will she deny she has a problem, will she be upset and storm off?
If you are not ready to set boundaries then what will you do when things go down the tubes.
I hope you will work on your recovery and let her work on hers. I hope you will consider individual counseling and/or al-anon to help you in your recovery.
Best of luck and big hugs to you,
Bill
I want to ask you a question. If you contact this person what will it accomplish?
Will your wife be receptive, will she deny she has a problem, will she be upset and storm off?
If you are not ready to set boundaries then what will you do when things go down the tubes.
I hope you will work on your recovery and let her work on hers. I hope you will consider individual counseling and/or al-anon to help you in your recovery.
Best of luck and big hugs to you,
Bill
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Austin, Tx
Posts: 43
Thank you for your input. I knew inside what I really need to work on is me. I went to al- anon years ago but only found out about it during her rehab. I went for a few months, but was not really comfortable with the format and group there. After a few months of (her) sobriety, life seemed to continue on without either of us really addressing the elephant in the room.
Perhaps I will seek out other groups in the area. I am greatful for forums like this to help me on my journey.
Desert Eyes: I wasn't thinking of an intervention, just having a fairly close friend have a talk about their recovery as they have on many occasions in the past. I believe she would be receptive, but I don't have a backup plan.
That said, I will continue my education. If my AW continues on her current path, our friend will see it himself soon enough, and deal with it in his own way.
Perhaps I will seek out other groups in the area. I am greatful for forums like this to help me on my journey.
Desert Eyes: I wasn't thinking of an intervention, just having a fairly close friend have a talk about their recovery as they have on many occasions in the past. I believe she would be receptive, but I don't have a backup plan.
That said, I will continue my education. If my AW continues on her current path, our friend will see it himself soon enough, and deal with it in his own way.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I think "resetting" your own boundaries in the marriage will be the most effective leverage with her. Then she can pick up the phone and call her AA friend if she wants to get sober.
For now, accepting her active addiction in your marriage without confronting her and setting boundaries is enabling her disease.
You don't have to be angry when you confront her, and you should not make threats you don't intend to carry out. But you should be clear about your boundaries.
For now, she's the one in control and she likes it that way.
Starting your own recovery in meetings or counseling is probably the best way to go, in my opinion. Both of you need recovery programs. Addiction will always be a part of your marriage.
For now, accepting her active addiction in your marriage without confronting her and setting boundaries is enabling her disease.
You don't have to be angry when you confront her, and you should not make threats you don't intend to carry out. But you should be clear about your boundaries.
For now, she's the one in control and she likes it that way.
Starting your own recovery in meetings or counseling is probably the best way to go, in my opinion. Both of you need recovery programs. Addiction will always be a part of your marriage.
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