feeling unbearable
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 1
feeling unbearable
hi everyone. i joined because i recently broke up with my boyfriend whose drinking problems are out of his control. we both love each other deeply; he is my first serious relationship, though i am 30, and we've known each other for 5 years. we are friends before anything else, which is why this has been killing me.
in january, he told me that he wanted to stop drinking due to health reasons. i encouraged him to quit, because i want him to be healthy, and focus on his final semester of grad school.
i cannot drink due to health reasons, though i consider myself to be an alcoholic because i have had addiction issues in the past. i am nowhere near perfect, and i am not here to judge anyone's level of success in all of this (or his, either). admittedly, i had hoped that my sober lifestyle would encourage him to seek the same. at that point, i didn't realize how heavily he was drinking because he seemed to be alright with remaining sober for 4-5 days at a time.
i started to spend more time at his house, and noticed that he would disappear for 5 minutes at a time. i soon caught on that he was actually going into the kitchen to sneak a drink while we were just hanging out at home. soon he started mixing drinks and having them while we watched a movie or television. i made a comment about how i didn't understand why he needed to have a drink when we were just hanging out. he agreed, but this just pushed him to hide his drinking from me. from then on, i would find empty bottles hidden in his bedroom that he would drink during the times when we were apart.
things started to get really bad last month, when he came out to a friend's party with me, drank way too much (4-5 pitchers of beer to himself), and made me so embarrassed that i had to leave the bar without him. we talked about it the next day and he concluded that he was going to stop drinking altogether. when we went out for lunch on the following tuesday, he started ordering drinks. i asked him to stop, and he gave me a snide comment about how he was "enabling himself" and to mind my own business.
that was the last straw. i broke up with him the next day and have been in tears ever since. i know that i made the right decision, but i had hoped for and pictured a future with this man, whom i am in love with. it's impossible for me to turn this off, but i know that he needs treatment, and that this is an illness. i asked him to go for an assessment at a centre and get some counselling (i don't know why he drinks, he hasn't hinted as to why either). he told me he would call the intake line, which he said he has done twice (and left messages), but i am not sure if i believe him. he said that he wasn't aware of how much his drinking was hurting me and he apologized for his behaviour. but i am all out of patience for empty promises.
what to do? i don't want him to give up on sobriety because i left him without his partner and best friend.
in january, he told me that he wanted to stop drinking due to health reasons. i encouraged him to quit, because i want him to be healthy, and focus on his final semester of grad school.
i cannot drink due to health reasons, though i consider myself to be an alcoholic because i have had addiction issues in the past. i am nowhere near perfect, and i am not here to judge anyone's level of success in all of this (or his, either). admittedly, i had hoped that my sober lifestyle would encourage him to seek the same. at that point, i didn't realize how heavily he was drinking because he seemed to be alright with remaining sober for 4-5 days at a time.
i started to spend more time at his house, and noticed that he would disappear for 5 minutes at a time. i soon caught on that he was actually going into the kitchen to sneak a drink while we were just hanging out at home. soon he started mixing drinks and having them while we watched a movie or television. i made a comment about how i didn't understand why he needed to have a drink when we were just hanging out. he agreed, but this just pushed him to hide his drinking from me. from then on, i would find empty bottles hidden in his bedroom that he would drink during the times when we were apart.
things started to get really bad last month, when he came out to a friend's party with me, drank way too much (4-5 pitchers of beer to himself), and made me so embarrassed that i had to leave the bar without him. we talked about it the next day and he concluded that he was going to stop drinking altogether. when we went out for lunch on the following tuesday, he started ordering drinks. i asked him to stop, and he gave me a snide comment about how he was "enabling himself" and to mind my own business.
that was the last straw. i broke up with him the next day and have been in tears ever since. i know that i made the right decision, but i had hoped for and pictured a future with this man, whom i am in love with. it's impossible for me to turn this off, but i know that he needs treatment, and that this is an illness. i asked him to go for an assessment at a centre and get some counselling (i don't know why he drinks, he hasn't hinted as to why either). he told me he would call the intake line, which he said he has done twice (and left messages), but i am not sure if i believe him. he said that he wasn't aware of how much his drinking was hurting me and he apologized for his behaviour. but i am all out of patience for empty promises.
what to do? i don't want him to give up on sobriety because i left him without his partner and best friend.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Hello Dubstyles, welcome to you, I am so glad you are here.
First off you did not cause his drinking and you cannot control it, it is in no way your fault that he is drinking, he is a grown man and makes his own decisions.
You cannot love him enough to make him stop.
Please read the "stickies" permanant posts at the top of the page. Are you seeing a counselor or going to al-anon either or both would be helpful. There are lots of stoires of hope and success posted here also.
I know this is hurting you deeply, many of us have either had to leave destructive relationshsips or had someone we love just quit on us because their disease controlled them. You feel like you have a big empty hole in your gut, but it does get better, it takes time and there are good days and bad days, but time really does heal all words as cliche as it seems right now.
We will be here for you, someone is usually out here anytime you need some support.
Please check in often and let us know how you are doing.
I will say a prayer for you.
Bill
There are lots of good people here, lots of support when you are feeling down
First off you did not cause his drinking and you cannot control it, it is in no way your fault that he is drinking, he is a grown man and makes his own decisions.
You cannot love him enough to make him stop.
Please read the "stickies" permanant posts at the top of the page. Are you seeing a counselor or going to al-anon either or both would be helpful. There are lots of stoires of hope and success posted here also.
I know this is hurting you deeply, many of us have either had to leave destructive relationshsips or had someone we love just quit on us because their disease controlled them. You feel like you have a big empty hole in your gut, but it does get better, it takes time and there are good days and bad days, but time really does heal all words as cliche as it seems right now.
We will be here for you, someone is usually out here anytime you need some support.
Please check in often and let us know how you are doing.
I will say a prayer for you.
Bill
There are lots of good people here, lots of support when you are feeling down
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
Welcome to SR!
I know how hard it is to leave someone you love. When it comes to A's and alcohol I've learned to look at their actions rather than listen to their words. Over the years I've heard many promises from my AH that he will quit... just to find out time and time again that he wouldn't follow through with what he said. He just recently relapsed after some time of sobriety and I left as soon as I found out. It's hard because I do still love him, but I know it's better than living with an active A.
As for your last sentence, the fact that you left him/ he lost his partner won't won't make him give up sobriety, if sobriety is what he truly wants. He needs to get a support system in place if he wants to get and stay sober and maybe you leaving is what he needs to get up and find the support he needs. And maybe it isn't - maybe he is just not ready to get sober. It's hard to foresee the future. Just make sure that you know what YOU want and what you are willing to live with. His sobriety is in his hands but you can decide whether you want to live with an active A or not.
I'm not sure this helps. I'm a quite sad myself tonight! I really just wanted to welcome you, encourage you to read and post as much as possible, and to wish you lots of strengths! I'm sure others will post more soon.
Take good care of yourself and stay strong!
I know how hard it is to leave someone you love. When it comes to A's and alcohol I've learned to look at their actions rather than listen to their words. Over the years I've heard many promises from my AH that he will quit... just to find out time and time again that he wouldn't follow through with what he said. He just recently relapsed after some time of sobriety and I left as soon as I found out. It's hard because I do still love him, but I know it's better than living with an active A.
As for your last sentence, the fact that you left him/ he lost his partner won't won't make him give up sobriety, if sobriety is what he truly wants. He needs to get a support system in place if he wants to get and stay sober and maybe you leaving is what he needs to get up and find the support he needs. And maybe it isn't - maybe he is just not ready to get sober. It's hard to foresee the future. Just make sure that you know what YOU want and what you are willing to live with. His sobriety is in his hands but you can decide whether you want to live with an active A or not.
I'm not sure this helps. I'm a quite sad myself tonight! I really just wanted to welcome you, encourage you to read and post as much as possible, and to wish you lots of strengths! I'm sure others will post more soon.
Take good care of yourself and stay strong!
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by dubstyles 
what to do? i don't want him to give up on sobriety because i left him without his partner and best friend.
Glad you found SR. Stick around. (((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
A warm welcome to you.
He drinks because a switch has been thrown in his brain. And he now has an uncontrollable compulsion to drink no matter the consequences. Please remember the word "uncontrollable."
There will be many consequences for him, and they will pile up. Losing you is one of them.
Addicts stop drinking or drugging because of painful consequences. Losses. Loneliness. Desperation. Physical crisis.
You did the right thing. If you love him and want him to live a healthy life, you will hold your line: you cannot be with a man in active addiction. Addicts cannot have healthy relationships. And you are unwilling to live your life in a sick one.
For now you must not predict the future, for much is yet to unfold in both his and your lives which you absolutely cannot foresee. So, begin your own recovery, for codependence, continue your recovery for addiction, and step out of the way to allow him to experience the full hell of his addiction. Pain can save his life.
Be kind to yourself, draw comfort to yourself in whatever healthy means possible, take this time to learn about being a codependent in relationship with an addict, and love yourself enough to get better.
You will find much support here. Reading the top section with the "Sticky" links will give you a good start and perhaps some peace of mind.
He drinks because a switch has been thrown in his brain. And he now has an uncontrollable compulsion to drink no matter the consequences. Please remember the word "uncontrollable."
There will be many consequences for him, and they will pile up. Losing you is one of them.
Addicts stop drinking or drugging because of painful consequences. Losses. Loneliness. Desperation. Physical crisis.
You did the right thing. If you love him and want him to live a healthy life, you will hold your line: you cannot be with a man in active addiction. Addicts cannot have healthy relationships. And you are unwilling to live your life in a sick one.
For now you must not predict the future, for much is yet to unfold in both his and your lives which you absolutely cannot foresee. So, begin your own recovery, for codependence, continue your recovery for addiction, and step out of the way to allow him to experience the full hell of his addiction. Pain can save his life.
Be kind to yourself, draw comfort to yourself in whatever healthy means possible, take this time to learn about being a codependent in relationship with an addict, and love yourself enough to get better.
You will find much support here. Reading the top section with the "Sticky" links will give you a good start and perhaps some peace of mind.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Originally Posted by dubstyles
what to do? i don't want him to give up on sobriety because i left him without his partner and best friend.
So my "helping" was anything but a help.
My husband started seeking recovery only when he literary has lost everything.
IMHO right now you're doing a right thing for both of you.
I'm not saying he'll stop drinking because you have left him, I'm only saying he stands a better chance.
I strongly advice you read the stickies section on the top of the forum. There is some great visdom there.
Here are few that you'd maybe like to check out:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...wondering.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ed-denial.html
Take care and welcome
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Hi Dubstyles, and welcome to SR! 
When I left my alcoholic/addict husband, I "thought" my biggest problem was solved when in fact, it wasn't.
I continued to hook up with dysfunctional men for 11 more years, reasoning that each one was not like my EXAH.
I finally hit a bottom in 1999, and got serious about my recovery from codependency (I am also a long-term recovering alcoholic/addict).
Attending Alanon has been a real lifesaver for me. I've been fortunate in having 2 sponsors who are double winners (AA and Alanon both).
Two books I highly recommend you read are "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. They both opened up my eyes.
I hope you continue to post, and know that you are among friends. Sending you hugs of support.
When I left my alcoholic/addict husband, I "thought" my biggest problem was solved when in fact, it wasn't.
I continued to hook up with dysfunctional men for 11 more years, reasoning that each one was not like my EXAH.
I finally hit a bottom in 1999, and got serious about my recovery from codependency (I am also a long-term recovering alcoholic/addict).
Attending Alanon has been a real lifesaver for me. I've been fortunate in having 2 sponsors who are double winners (AA and Alanon both).
Two books I highly recommend you read are "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. They both opened up my eyes.
I hope you continue to post, and know that you are among friends. Sending you hugs of support.
Linkin Park Enthusiast
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
Hi. I am having a similar problem with my boyfriend, although it is worse now since he moved into my house and I kicked him out. Before this, we were best friends. His then-wife cheated on him, and she was also my friend, but I felt as if she cheated on me too, because I had no idea what was going on (she hid it from me because of course I would have told him). I supported him through this whole thing, and it made us immensely closer, until we ended up together.
He has been an alcoholic for as long as I have known him, I knew it when we got together, I cannot hide from that fact. BUT it wasn't as bad as it is now. Not even close. I also have a problem with drugs in general-I get angry, I do drugs/alcohol or whatever to forget it. I stopped doing everything except drinking, but stopped drinking a month ago because I get very angry and very mean, to my boyfriend of course. And it helps not at all that I am angry all the time now, I mean ALL THE TIME, so all I want to do is oxycontin-my d.o.c.
It helps that I am strong enough to realize this now before I actually go do it. I have actually been driving to get it and stop and yell at myself for being so stupid. Because he is an addict, does not mean I have to be. He has already lost everything (except me, but he is very very close to that point). I have so much more to lose, I have kids, and my own place, and cats, and a job, and I am in school full time, and I am slowly learning that no loser man is enough for me to lose all that. I have been through much much worse in my life, and he is not going to be the thing that drives me to do drugs again. That is it.
Anyway, enough about me. I think you are making the right decision. If he really wants to change, he will, and then you can try again. This break up doesn't have to be forever. He knows what it will take. He knows that he messed up. He knows how to fix it. But that is one thing. The other problem is, is it enough for him? It's one thing to know, and another to do it. If he does not want to change or fix himself, then you know where you stand. I know you love him, trust me, I know all about it, but someone has to think about you, because he is not, and you are too worried about him. You have to focus on yourself, and realize that you also have to make yourself better. And in the long run, it is not healthy for you to be around all these triggers that are going to make you drink again either. He is on his way down, but you can make sure that he doesn't drag you down with him.
If I were you, I would not talk to him at all until I see a change in his behavior. This is where I am currently at in my situation. He knows what he has to do, and he knows that it's not only the drinking that is making you angry, but the lying and the manipulation. I really believe that they all know that, deep down. It's just a matter of how deep they want to go to fix themselves. I know you are struggling, but trust me when I say that you are not alone.
He has been an alcoholic for as long as I have known him, I knew it when we got together, I cannot hide from that fact. BUT it wasn't as bad as it is now. Not even close. I also have a problem with drugs in general-I get angry, I do drugs/alcohol or whatever to forget it. I stopped doing everything except drinking, but stopped drinking a month ago because I get very angry and very mean, to my boyfriend of course. And it helps not at all that I am angry all the time now, I mean ALL THE TIME, so all I want to do is oxycontin-my d.o.c.
It helps that I am strong enough to realize this now before I actually go do it. I have actually been driving to get it and stop and yell at myself for being so stupid. Because he is an addict, does not mean I have to be. He has already lost everything (except me, but he is very very close to that point). I have so much more to lose, I have kids, and my own place, and cats, and a job, and I am in school full time, and I am slowly learning that no loser man is enough for me to lose all that. I have been through much much worse in my life, and he is not going to be the thing that drives me to do drugs again. That is it.
Anyway, enough about me. I think you are making the right decision. If he really wants to change, he will, and then you can try again. This break up doesn't have to be forever. He knows what it will take. He knows that he messed up. He knows how to fix it. But that is one thing. The other problem is, is it enough for him? It's one thing to know, and another to do it. If he does not want to change or fix himself, then you know where you stand. I know you love him, trust me, I know all about it, but someone has to think about you, because he is not, and you are too worried about him. You have to focus on yourself, and realize that you also have to make yourself better. And in the long run, it is not healthy for you to be around all these triggers that are going to make you drink again either. He is on his way down, but you can make sure that he doesn't drag you down with him.
If I were you, I would not talk to him at all until I see a change in his behavior. This is where I am currently at in my situation. He knows what he has to do, and he knows that it's not only the drinking that is making you angry, but the lying and the manipulation. I really believe that they all know that, deep down. It's just a matter of how deep they want to go to fix themselves. I know you are struggling, but trust me when I say that you are not alone.
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