looking for words of wisdom

Old 02-24-2012, 11:33 PM
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looking for words of wisdom

Hi everyone,
I just stumbled across this community today in a fit of desperation. I have never done anything of the sort but it's to the point where I feel I truly have nobody to talk to.

I am in a pretty unique situation. I am currently living in an apartment with my boyfriend of eight years. The eight is a bit shocking when you learn I am only 21. I swear, it's not as creepy or as codependent as it sounds. We had some breaks in there to see other people, etc., but we lasted through it all. He is my best friend and truly one of the most amazing people out there.

But, and of course there's a but...he is quite an alcoholic. I can't lie and say I don't dabble in the alcohol myself, but there is a (fine) line between social drinking and a true problem. I can handle myself, I've never missed class or work, and people generally like me when I've had a few drinks. My boyfriend, unfortunately, is not in the same boat. There is even a nickname that people have branded on him for his alter-ego that appears when he's been drinking.

So, the problem is that he is my favorite person in the entire world for so many reasons. The heartbreaking thing is that I am only 21 and already feel worn down from taking care of him. I can't tell if I'm being delusional. Let me highlight some "key" alcoholic moments of his:

First and foremost, he blacks out every time he drinks.

He pees the bed on most occasions, which is humiliating. Every time a friend visits I have to think of some clever way to hide it. It's hard when they jump on my bed in the morning and ask why it's wet. It's also hard when it's someone else's bed, or on the couch. Roommates have made this secret a hard one to keep.

A few weeks ago marks his third trip in an ambulance for being drunk. I was not with him any of these times, and all of these times he doesn't remember anything. I only find out when I have been lying awake until 8 am, and he comes stumbling in with a hospital bracelet on. His coworker was with him last time and I heard the details, essentially he just passed out on the sidewalk and someone called 911.

One time he didn't come home and I had a weird feeling, so I went outside barefoot and nothing but a long t-shirt (I live in Brooklyn). I found him about a block down, passed out against a car (standing up). I thought he was dead. It was terrifying. Not to mention he had pissed himself, and he was so lucky that people in New York ignore drunks on the streets, because he had all of his valuables in his pockets.

I'm getting exhausted even beginning this list, as I have so much more to say, but it is 2:30 am and I've been crying for the past two hours after coming home to find him ********* (yet another night of disappointments).

We're on a lease together and both very very broke. I don't know if I have the power to break things off with him, and I wish I had some hope that he could go to treatment and we could work this out. Thankfully, he's not violent when he's drunk (he's so incapable of even standing up once he's been drinking, I could take him on if needed), so my safety isn't in jeopardy. But I'm in the middle of a semester, and a lease, and so I'm kind of financially stuck right now. What I think we need is a true break, for him to really think about what he wants, and for me to clear my mind, but this isn't even feasible. None of my friends have ever been in a serious relationship, and I don't want to worry my mom. I just need some advice...
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Old 02-25-2012, 01:01 AM
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Hi,

I'm so sorry you're dealing with the fallout of somebody else's drinking. But I'm glad you're here. You'll find lots of good information, love, and support here. This forum, together with Al-Anon, kept me sane through the last four years of my marriage, an ugly divorce, and is still my go-to place for all things related to life affected by alcohol.

You will find lots of people here who can absolutely relate to your situation.

I left my AH after his alcoholism affected his behavior to the point where it was no longer safe for me and our children. Others here have stayed with a drinking alcoholic spouse, or one working on recovery. Yet others have separated and gotten back together after their spouse has found sobriety.

Al-anon likes to say that there are thre Cs you need to remember: you didn't Cause his drinking; you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it.

Al-Anon also talks about addiction as a disease, and one that somewhere along the line robs the addict of the ability to make rational decisions.

It's late where I'm at, too, and I'm afraid I might not be much help right now, but I did want you to know that you are not alone and that there are people all around you who understand what you are going through and will share our experiences with you.
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Old 02-25-2012, 02:39 AM
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is there counseling available to you at your school?

also, you could attend alanon. it's free.

alanon will teach you new behaviors and give you tools for dealing with this situation.
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Old 02-25-2012, 04:11 AM
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Hello and welcome, excellent advice has already been given by lillamy and naive, I just wanted to add that, you shpuld read the "stickies" at the top of the page for lots of good information.

I will say a prayer for both of you.

Best of luck,

Bill
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Old 02-25-2012, 04:55 AM
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Plan on your friendship going on for a very long time, as there are very few others he could find to put up with this. You're a very rare and precious friend.

Doesn't sound like you'll need to worry about him for too many more years, though. Make the most of your time together.
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Old 02-25-2012, 05:00 AM
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Welcome to the SR family!

You have found a wonderful resource of support and information. Please stick around and make yourself at home.

I understand the frustration of living with an alcoholic loved one.
I also understand the feeling of waking up to a wet bed.

I want to share one of my favorite Sticky posts with you. Stickies are the permanent older posts located at the top of this forum page. There are about 14 rows of stickies that are marked with a little padlock symbol in the left column. That means they are preserved for reading, but prevent new comments from being added.

Here is the direct link to a sticky that helped me regain some sanity while living with an active alcoholic:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
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Old 02-25-2012, 09:21 AM
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Hi again,
thanks so much for replying. As funny as the internet is, it really can make a person feel less alone.

I think AA is a good place to start. I've always felt sort of resistant to it because...well I don't even know why to be honest. I guess I'm just not the greatest with opening up to people face to face.

I'm excited I found this space where I can be truly anonymous.

Thanks again.
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Old 02-25-2012, 09:38 AM
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Just an FYI - AA is for the alcoholic. Al-Anon is for the family and friends of the alcoholic. What you need is al-anon, where the focus will be on YOU, not your alcoholic.

Welcome to SR! There is a wealth of information and helpful people here who understand what you are going through.
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Old 02-25-2012, 09:59 AM
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Just wanted to say welcome to SR

I know what it's like to feel stuck. When I left my AH for the first time, I was in a similar situation - I was in school, without much money, living in an apt. with my husband of 1 1/2 yrs. My name was on the lease and I didn't know where else to go. In my situation things ended up getting REALLY bad, and I finally got to the point where I realized that I just had to get out of there, if I wanted to save myself. I took the risk and just moved out, without really knowing where I was going to live and with the understanding that there was a good chance he would get evicted, which would also go on my record and affect my future apt. search (I was on the lease and couldn't get out of it according to my landlord). He didn't get evicted after all and I was able to rent a room from a friend.

I'm not suggesting you move out - especially not without first having a plan in place first. But I wanted to stress that it's important that you make sure you're not getting dragged down with him. Maybe you could make a list of alternatives - i.e. how could you make enough money to live on your own, could you talk to your landlord and get your name off the lease, is there someone you could stay with temporarily, etc.? Whether in the end you decide to move out is up to you, but it's always good to know what your options are!

I wish you all the best and make sure you take care of YOURSELF!!!
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Old 02-25-2012, 11:13 AM
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Welcome
you're at the right place.
Sorry you're going through all that madness.
It can get better, maybe not in the way that seems acceptable for you right now, but the more you learn the more options will be presented to you.
Make yourself at home, read as much as you can, post as much as you can.
We'll be here for you.

You're not alone any more.
HUGS
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Old 02-25-2012, 11:34 AM
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Originally Posted by thereisonlyair
I am currently living in an apartment with my boyfriend of eight years. The eight is a bit shocking when you learn I am only 21. I swear, it's not as creepy or as codependent as it sounds.
I am not shocked or creeped out, but I did indeed have to redo the math a couple of times. At 13 you were a child. Dealing with so much as a child in this situation may well impact your choices as a woman. I am so glad that you are in school. Woman to woman, the best thing I ever did was get my education. Knowing I can take care of myself and my kids is very empowering for me. I was married to someone with an addiction and I was addicted to substances as well. Glad you are here, thereisonlyair, best to you in your journey.
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Old 02-25-2012, 03:52 PM
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You've never missed class or work?

I tip my hat to you, young lady, for I struggle with those things regardless of whether there is an active alcoholic in my life or not.
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Old 02-25-2012, 04:06 PM
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Welcome to Sober Recovery. You are at the right place. There are a lot of great people here who have been in similar situations as yours. The alcoholic in my life is my father, and my mother is a drug addict. I live with my RABF (he has been clean from drugs for over 2 years).

I would suggest that you read the book Codependent No More. I have read through it at least 5 times. I was amazed how I saw myself in the book. I learned a lot from it.

Congrats on being in school. I had some battles to complete college, too. I was dealing with my personal issues, plus I also had boyfriend issues. My financial situation was also really bad, but I made it through!
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Old 02-25-2012, 08:13 PM
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I think you are very courageous for "not wanting to worry your mom", but being a mother myself I would like to encourage you to share with her if you are needing her support in leaving the situation....especially if she has the means or ability to help. She would much rather be 'worried' and know you are safe than be 'clueless' and have you be unhappy or in harm's way. Besides, she probably knows a lot more than you think and is just waiting for YOU to come to HER for help. Just think about it. ((((Hugs))))
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Old 02-25-2012, 09:28 PM
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welcome!

It sounds like you're already starting down a dark path - trying to cover up his behaviour (and feeling ashamed of it), crying long hours, going out searching for him. Most of us have been there and know exactly what that's like, and it is miserable.

Try Al Anon. It will help you take your power back and see things a bit more clearly. Knowledge is power. You will learn that it is not your responsibility to save him, in every sense of the expression. It is a struggle that ultimately, belongs to him, regardless of anything and everything you try to do against it. Many of the things we 'naturally' try, because we love them, unfortunately backfires. Begging, pleading, making them choose, putting up with their behaviour, yelling, pouting, threatening, pouring out their booze. If any of it sounds like anything you've ever tried or thought to try, you're in the right place.

Mine used to get very wasted when we were at bars or clubs - it was humiliating to try and get him out when he was on the verge of pass out and barely capable of walking, and keep a good face in front of others. Ruined just about every night out for me.

Al Anon taught me that I had to take the focus off of him and his drinking and put it on me. As difficult as it was, it did help me feel better. First off I learned how to detach, from him when he was drinking. I chose to not go out with him because I no longer wanted the responsibility of picking him up off the floor. That was in my power. Then, I slept in a different bed if he was in it and had been drinking (unless he passed out somewhere else). If he crept into bed at 3am, I went to the spare room (cuz of course I was likely awake or he woke me lumbering around trying to find the bed). Those actions were also sending a strong message without me expecting him to do anything different - so much more powerful than trying to control him into stopping his behaviour.

Icing on the cake, what finally jolted me into motion, was when we stayed with friends one night, as they lived further out. We both had young babies, and I put my daughter down in our room in a portable crib. Us girls went to bed early and the boys stayed up until they were wasted. When he stumbled into the room and tried to get his pants off and get into bed, he lost his balance and grabbed onto the closest thing - the baby crib - to try and steady himself. This was it for me and a few days after, I asked him to leave. He went for help and we eventually came back together, but at that point I was finally willing to let him go, for my own sanity and for the safety of my daughter.

You are still young, are not married, no children. You have found us here and you are learning already. You have the power to make the choices in your life and take care of yourself, and it can happen regardless of how hopeless you may feel at this moment. Take care of yourself.
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Old 02-26-2012, 07:29 AM
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can you be open with your mom?

AL ANON has helped me ALOT...and learning to say the word NO and mean it what i say...

i needed to know it was ok to look out for number 1 ....ME!! and it is ok...

i am happy you are here but sad to see what a young lady like yourself is going through...
Please read MELODY BEATTIES books...awesome read
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Old 03-04-2012, 07:54 AM
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I will not bore you with my story, because you are living it right now. My ex wrecked his brain so much that he is no longer capable of realizing he needs help. And if he quit cold turkey, he could have seizures and die.

My advice to you is to be honest and if you have had a good relationship with your Mom, talk to her openly. Believe me, the day will come that something will happen that you will HAVE to tell your family and friends. Most of them probably already know. It will be a big relief. Find counseling for yourself if you can and eventually, you will find a way financially to take care of yourself. Right now it sounds as if the situation is overwhelming for you, and you can't make the right decisions for yourself. I understand that so well.

This may sound harsh, but the best thing that could happen is if he were to get arrested for something while he's under the influence, the courts may insist on rehab. And that responsibility will not be all yours.

You deserve better than to live with a pee soaked couch and I am praying for you! Because I totally understand how much time it takes to stop taking responsibility for someone we love, even if it's toxic to us.
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Old 03-04-2012, 07:58 AM
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The thing that helped me is when I finally realized that "I am powerless over the addiction.."

Starting with AA is a very smart choice because they will guide you to the right meetings in your area.

God Bless you young lady! I'm so glad you are reaching out, because you will find more and more, you are truly not alone!
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Old 03-04-2012, 08:14 AM
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Sorry to read about your situation. There are plenty of us on here who know exactly how you feel. The first and most profound thing I think you will get from Al Anon is to stop covering up for him and face the problem square on. It won't get easier overnight-but the realisation that you can do something for yourself is the best thing. All of us have felt impotent in trying to deal with the drinker, but maybe when you stop helping him he'll have to start and help himself. How strong are you to have dealt with all of this and still be so young! Good luck and stay with us.
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Old 03-04-2012, 07:08 PM
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Thanks for the replies. To be honest, I can't tell my mom because it is too much of a burden. She is bipolar and tends to fret about this stuff. She knows he's an alcoholic, she's seen him in action. In high school, there were plenty of times he'd come over to our house intoxicated. There was even one time that he broke a window drunkenly trying to get in, but that's another story...the point is, my parents have a lot on their plates already. My older brother is also bipolar, and while he's almost 30, he recently moved back home and my parents are stuck with his debt because they naively cosigned for his college loans. My 18 year old sister is getting her GED because she's "bored with high school" and my little brother is struggling with some sort of autism spectrum troubles. It got to the point that my father had a mild heart attack last fall.

I am the child that graduated with honors, that moved to NYC when I was 18 and have been supporting myself since, that's graduating college with honors and planning on graduate school. I know my parents would love me no matter what, but I don't want to add in on all of these stressors my siblings have already created. So, I pass my ABF's (I'm catching onto the lingo, haha) drinking off as "being young," continually lying that it's gotten better since high school, et cetera.

I'm sorry this turned into a vent about my family. I guess I just feel like I have to hold everything together. My boyfriend and I had such a good week, but, as I predicted, he came home wasted on Friday night, now it's back to where I started when I posted a week ago. I have been looking into Al Anon meetings, but I'm so busy with school and work that I don't even have the time to go...

I feel really alone and that maybe I'm in denial. I toy with the idea of moving out and totally purging my life. Deep down, I plan on moving to California fall 2013. But usually I include him in these dreams. I don't see myself without him, and that's what scares me. I don't feel that I'm codependent, as I relish in having my own space and whatnot, but it's terrifying to be so young and so intertwined with someone else. I realize I'm not really posing a question that anybody can reply to. I just needed to clear my head a bit. Thanks for listening (reading).
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