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How to deal with new girlfriend

Old 02-24-2012, 07:33 PM
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How to deal with new girlfriend

Tomorrow I go to work at my second job and I have to drop off my son at my AH's house, because he cannot drive, DUI in Nov. I don't want his new girlfriend there when my son is there. My lawyer said there is nothing I can do about it but ask him not to have her around. We are not even divorced. This is not good for 14 year old to see that you can be married and have a girlfriend too. I sent an email to AH earlier this week asking him not to have her around when son is there, but got no response. He never responds to anything emotional, email, or text. Why is that? I know he has trouble dealing with emotions, but he doesn't even show anger. What can I do about girlfriend and my son?
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Old 02-24-2012, 07:46 PM
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I don't think there is anything you can do. As long as she is not abusive he can have who ever he wants in his own house.

Sorry. I agree it is a bad example.
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Old 02-24-2012, 08:24 PM
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As your lawyer stated, there probably isn't much you can do about hubby's new GF being around your son. I think it's very insensitive and immature on your hubby's part to introduce your son to this woman at this time. But we cannot control another human's thought process, or make educated decisions for them. Personally, I think hubby is acting in a very selfish manner.

Your son is 14. Often we do not give our kids enough credit, I am certain he will form his own opinion regarding this situation. All you can do is be there for your son. Does your son know about the GF? kids don't like surprises, and they certainly do not have the maturity or social grace to just be thrown into this type of situation.

Just keep the lines of communicaton open between you and your son, I am sorry you have to endure this at this time. take care. hugs)))))

Just a thought, If this is not a court mandated visit, maybe he could go to a friends house instead?
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Old 02-25-2012, 03:15 AM
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do you know anything about the girlfriend? maybe she's nice and responsible? there exists a possbility that she may end up helpful in your efforts to keep your son safe, if she is not an alcholic or pot user herself.
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Old 02-25-2012, 05:15 AM
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I don't know anything about her. My son said he found out about her two weeks ago, but he lied to me the first time I dropped him off at AH's house and her car was in the drive and I asked him whose car it was, he said one of dad's Friend's, a guy, from another city.
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Old 02-25-2012, 06:20 AM
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Originally Posted by jackthedog View Post
I don't know anything about her. My son said he found out about her two weeks ago, but he lied to me the first time I dropped him off at AH's house and her car was in the drive and I asked him whose car it was, he said one of dad's Friend's, a guy, from another city.
Please, please, please be careful about interrogating your son this way -- it puts him in a very uncomfortable position and makes this difficult life SO MUCH MORE difficult. If you have questions about "whose car is in the driveway" ask the other ADULT in this triangle-- your AH. Otherwise, LET IT GO.

I have a dear friend who I have watched treat her children this way for 10 years....and guess what? Although in all other respects she has been a great mom, her 2 girls avoid her like the plague now that they are grown and spend most of their free time with their dad & his wife. She is befuddled and hurt although it is crystal clear to me why they choose him.
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Old 02-25-2012, 07:12 AM
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What has worked for me in the past with situations like this is to admit I have no control over it and let it go.

Now in the realm of opinion I think I would say something to my son that it was wrong for me to put him in the middle like that and then let it go. He will appreciate your honesty and most likely be more open with you in the future. Just let him talk to you and not you quizzing him. My 2 cents there.

Your friend,
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Old 02-25-2012, 03:13 PM
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It sounds to me as if your son is either trying to protect you, or avoid a conversation with you. Divorce just stinks......... Mom's and dad's find new partners and the kids are stuck in the middle......

I guess all you can do is wait and see if he wants to talk, teenage years are tough. Never really know what these kids are thinking.
Wishing you all the best.......
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Old 02-25-2012, 04:17 PM
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I think your son will find out what it takes to be a good person in his own time.
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Old 02-25-2012, 05:24 PM
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There is nothing you can do.

I'd recommend taking up a membership at a place like The Second Wives Cafe (I haven't posted enough times yet to be able to link it) to help cope with the divorce and child issues that arise. I am a stepmom, and that place has been a godsend for me.
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Old 02-26-2012, 11:26 AM
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saw him and her today

Since AH has a girlfriend who can drive him around and since I have been doing all of the driving, I decided to have AH pick up son today for his visitation and drop him back off. I had planned to be busy when he was dropped off, but AH came when he wanted, not when son said he would text him, so I saw the girlfriend in her car with AH. Makes my stomach ache. I was doing better, then this, who would want a man who owns his own company that is going down the tubes financially, has been arrested in the past 6 months twice, can't drive his car for 6 months? Oh God help me through this...
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Old 02-26-2012, 11:57 AM
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jackthedog be gentle with yourself ((hugs))

You are getting divorced - YAY!! he will no longer be your problem.


No one changes by magic nor by keeping company with someone.

He is the same exact person.

Remember why you are getting divorced in the first place.

You mentioned an AH with a recent DUI, an active addict. He has a chronic and progressive disease. No one ever will change this fact.

Anyone around someone like this deserves compassion. They might not know the ride that awaits them.

They might be joining SR at some point asking for help dealing with the madness.


I am glad it won't be you, anymore. You, already in the road to a new life.
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Old 02-26-2012, 12:17 PM
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How to deal with new girlfriend? You don't. Unless of course she's abusing your son. I know it sucks but the only thing you can do is NOT let it effect your relationship with your son. He's 14. Give him some credit for seeing things as they are all on his own. The less you show it impacts you the more likely he is to be honest with you in the future. He's obviously already on the defensive by lying about her car so you need to make it a non-issue right away. Just ignore her because that's best for you AND your son.
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Old 02-26-2012, 12:41 PM
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Thanks, your words have helped, and you are right. I think I miss the person I thought he was, not the person he is. Maybe he never was the person I saw him as. I feel better now, so glad I have you all to respond and help out....
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