bruggy88

So. My boyfriend is working on Step 4, and told me that I was on the list. I asked him if I could know what he resented about me, thinking it would be behavioral/communication issues that I could work on (i.e., passive aggression, not talking about what's bothering me, etc). He said sure, and I was surprised to learn, that there was only two things he resents. The first one was not a big deal to me, easily addressed, but the second one was: I am fatter than he would like.

Most people do not like hearing that they are unattractively fat, which was hurtful in and of itself. But I also have disordered eating (binging, purging, laxative abuse) which made it especially hurtful to hear this. After he told me, I said, "Okay, those are the only two things?" And he said yes, but I am very sad and upset about it. He told me, "I just have to remember I am powerless to change it." And even though he said that, I sort of feel like he used his step work to put me in a position where I know he is unhappy and I should change for him, if that make sense. Like, he brought up me being on his list so that he could tell me what he resents and now I just feel terrible about it. He knows that I have disordered habits, and I'm totally self-conscious and preoccupied with my weight already, so it just felt like a really low blow.

I don't know if it's fair to feel this way, or if my ego is just bruised. Now, I don't know why he's even with me if he doesn't think I'm hot. I feel like, because he told me this, he doesn't take my eating issues and self esteem problems seriously.

Then, he told me he was in love with me.

So, I'm very confused and hurt. I don't know how to move forward from this point. Any support or different perspectives on the issue would be helpful. I don't know if I'm just being a "sore loser" as it were, since I heard something I didn't want to hear, or if my hurt feelings are legitimate and I should bring it up again to talk it out.

I don't know what to do. I guess I'm wondering if any of you have a similar experience? Or if there's a helpful way to go about addressing the things a Recovering Addict resents about you, without blowing it out of proportion. I am also just really sad and wanted to get it off my chest. Thanks for reading.

m1k3

I thought you were supposed to work through your own problems/defects on step 4 not take inventory for everyone around you?

silkspin

One of the steps says to make amends to others if it is not harmful to yourself or others. I also agree with the other posters that his resentments are his to work through and he could have deflected your question, especially given that you are sensitive because of your own issues. However, the bell can't be unrung, so please just take care of yourself and do what you need to do to work through this information. In the end, people build resentments for lots of stuff that others shouldn't be expected to change; instead we learn to adjust our own selves to accept others and that helps to prevent resentment from building in the first place. Don't punish yourself because he's not in that place.

bruggy88

@anvilhead: I think you are right about not having anymore conversations about his step work. And about not being prepared for the answer: I was expecting it to be more about how we relate to each other. I realize now I shouldn't have asked but it seemed like a good idea at the time. :/

I am also seeing a therapist and psychiatrist, working on my destructive habits and thoughts, and so on. Thanks for asking.


Do you guys think I should tell him I'm upset about it? Like I said, I don't want to sound like I'm whining because I got an answer I didn't like, but I guess I also feel sort of disrespected by what went down? I was thinking of telling him that it hurt me because it made me feel like he doesn't take my eating issues seriously, do you think that would be all right?

choublak

Recovery is 100% about the individual. Not meant to be "shared"...

fourmaggie

^^^ ya thats what i thought too......

*I thought you were supposed to work through your own problems/defects on step 4 not take inventory for everyone around you?*

good point...

laurie6781

To be honest NO NO NO

You asked, you got an answer you didn't like, now you want to lay your hurt feelings on him. NOPE not a good idea. Your 'eating issues' are not his problem, his recovery is his problem. Of course, he is focused on his own recovery not your eating issues.

You were wrong to ask and he was wrong to share.

IF you talk to anyone about it, talk with your therapist.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

bruggy88

Ah, I appreciate this point of view. However, I spoke to him before I checked the forum again. I think you made a good point about laying hurt feelings on other people. That is exactly something I didn't want to do, especially to someone who is working on recovery, they have enough to deal with. But I also didn't think it was right for me to be feeling like crap about it and not let him know how badly it affected me. I didn't want to take the whole, "oh, nothing's bothering me...*sniffle*..." route, you know?

I am glad we did talk about it, though. I told him it was super triggering to hear and he told me he understood and simply thought honesty was the best policy. I think we both understood where the other was coming from. We actually ended up laughing quite a bit and set a new boundary to keep our individual recovery regimens to ourselves. It was very civil and I think it was for the best.

I'm not very good with confrontation, and I have a lousy track record communicating with alcoholics, so I really appreciated all of your points of view. I didn't want to explode at anyone. Thanks for letting me talk it out here!

LifeRecovery

Bruggy88-

What is your plan to take care of you around this and how you feel?

As a fellow person in ED recovery and once married to someone struggling with drinking it is sometimes hard for me to figure out what is mine and what is not.

I am learning to ask myself (and respect the answer) "What do I need to do to take care of myself right now?" Relationships with others may come and go, but I can't get out of a relationship with myself.

feelingalone43

I've read and heard that recovery usually only works if the person seeking it is doing it for themselves and not because someone else wants them to. I think that goes for any change we make in our lives. If you want to make changes in your life due to an eating disorder (or anything else), please make sure you do it for YOU and not because of something he said.

Keep venting here. It is a wonderful place to get it out.

lillamy

No matter what he said in follow-up conversation, that first one to me reeks of unrepentant alcoholic manipulation.

Who *resents* someone for being "too fat"?and then tells them that they love them? Absolutely, I would read that as an attempt to pressure you into changing. Except in the context, especially since he's being *honest*, you're stuck with not being able to say, "you are being a manipulative jerk" because"it's recovery work" and"he's only being honest."

From where I'm coming, he's hitting you where he know it will cause the most damage and then asking you to thank him for it.

LifeRecovery

Also I realized after writing this. If I ask myself what I need it is not a judgement on the other person. I have lived so much of my life attempting to please others that not doing that feels like I am saying "he/she is bad." Asking what I need has taken the pressure off of me for that.

bruggy88

Oh, definitely. We were both "working on ourselves" before we met, and I will certainly still be doing some kind of treatment for a while, whether or not we are still together.

@LifeRecovery-
Good questions about my plan. Self care has been hardest for me to get the hang of... My plan definitely consists of talking to my therapist about it, and I think I'm spending the day with my best friend today, at the mall or something silly, so that will definitely make me feel good about myself, I love her so much. I feel much better than I did yesterday, and I'm just gonna focus my attention on other things. I have a new book I want to start.

@lillamy-
That is part of what I'm worried about. I'm an ACOA, too, so sometimes I see red flags with my boyfriend that I'm not sure how to address. Honestly, part of me, after the original conversation with him, was like DUMP HIM!!!! But I love spending time with him, too!!! So, that is definitely hard. I really don't know how to manage that. I don't know how to keep myself from falling into a role. I have been thinking maybe a three strikes you're out kind of thing? I don't know. Another thing I will have to talk about in therapy this week!

NYCDoglvr

Ouch! I've learned to be careful about asking people what they think because then I have to live with their answer. And acknowledge that they have a right to their own opinion. It's his recovery and a very bad idea to try to get involved with it. Since you asked him this shouldn't be considered a "strike". It's best to talk to others before making a decision to end a relationship.

choublak

Why would he share that you were on his list in the first place?

onceuponatime2

I agree with lillamy, this sounds like an "unreasonable" resentment.

LifeRecovery

Bruggy88-

I was working on my recovery when I met my ex. I did not realize the drinking concerns until we got married.

I did not choose to go to Al-anon for a number of years because I kept "working on myself," and once I was healthy I was sure that the relationship would be okay. In other words I put myself on the slaughter box for being the one with the problem....

I came to Al-anon with a lot of recovery under my belt from my eating disorder, but have found the program to be very helpful and supportive over all. It helps with my ED stuff, my codependency stuff, and most of all with all my stuff from growing up in a household with two ACOAs, and choosing intimate relationships with a problem drinkers. For me it has helped in all my relationships.

I am not saying it would work for you, but one of the only regrets I have about it is that I did not start it sooner. I did not do Twelve step work on my ED, and you might be but I wanted to put that out there.

choublak

Okay I think I get it now.

For most alcoholics, resentment is a reason they could drink again. He might be using your struggles as a bargaining tool, so that he can drink again if he thinks you don't "measure up".

inpieces314

Oh yes, don't we all. Although, I think a great majority of that issue could be attributed to THEM, and not US.

And my $0.02 on this post? I agree with lillamy, he is manipulating you and he needs to stop that ish. That is not fair to you at all. And you know what, if he doesn't want to be with you because you are too fat, then so be it. Someone will love you for who you are, and they won't hide it, and they won't make you feel bad about it.

I have been there, and my self esteem is so low already. I really try to surround myself with people who make me feel good about myself, because I beat myself up enough.

choublak

Also, he shouldn't be putting other people on his list. He needs to put feelings of resentment that he has, and figure out, by himself, why he feels the way he does. It goes beyond the superficial, i.e., "you weigh more than I'd like", "you don't dye your hair blonde", etc., shouldn't be on that list. I've read that some people need a whole separate notebook just for step 4. Serious business.