Redheadsusie

after being with someone 13 years when you tell them you are struggling and unhappy and something needs to be done- they would say lets talk or work it out - that is a rational conclusion. However - there is nothing rational about AH apparently. He has chosen to just not speak to me I guess ever again which I suppose makes it easier but it it is weird. Luckily he works nights so I really don't see him at all during the week - but even in passing for the few hours we do see each other- no hello- no nothing. How f'ed up is that really. I have a horrible cold or strep or something - you would think he would say hey you ok- you gonna cough up a lung - something.... what is wrong with him. really- I know I know - worry about myself......just still I cannot grasp how someone will lose his 2nd family and not think it is him at all- it is us bitches. Damn women

wanttobehealthy

That part in bold. There is NOTHING RATIONAL about dealing with an A. Nothing. You're right that after being with someone 13 yrs you'd think they'd have some reaction. That's how you'd react, or me or anyone who is not mired in their addiction. I don't presume to understand it but I have read it enough and experienced it enough myself and heard enough other people say it that I sort of intellectually (if not emotionally) "get it".

The more you hope he will be rational and act in a way that a caring, empathetic human would, the more hurt you will be...

I can't grasp it all either. Like I said, I get it intellectually but emotionally is a whole other matter...

Thumper

No he isn't. He can't be and he doesn't even want to be.

The one thing you can count on is he will continue to show you how irrational and 'gone' he is until you do grasp it.

I could make a case that his silent treatment is a gift.

LaTeeDa

You are right that something needs to be done. But, expecting him to do it will get you nowhere. If YOU are struggling and unhappy, then YOU can do something about it.

My AH's problems made me miserable, or so it seemed. But he was not the one who was miserable, I was. So I was the one who had to change, not him.

L

NYCDoglvr

I'll pass on what my sponsor told me a long time ago: "Nothing screws up more relationships than expectations". Several close relationships changed for the better after I began trying to let go of expectations".

m1k3

Some advice my son in law gave me. Your friend,

SoaringSpirits

Once I accepted that alcohol had become my husband's best friend, lover and confidante, the loss of connection was easier to understand. None of it is rational, but that's the nature of addiction. My husband has his beloved Lady Vodka, and that trumps wife or family. It's exquisitely hurtful. Try not to get lost in the pain.

NYCDoglvr

Oh boy is that true. A leopard doesn't change his spots ....... unless he gets sober and works very hard to change the negative thinking, irresponsibility, grandiosity, selfishness. And that can take a lifetime. It also requires an alcoholic who personally, sincerely WANTS to change.

VMVM

I've been with my A for 10 years....and I'm going through the same thing as you. I moved to the guest room one month ago, and he seems fine with that. Doesnt care to work on any of the issues in our relationship. It is very hard to understand how anyone could just not care that I am troubled or upset. I try to be positive. I don't have to febreeze the bed and wash the sheets every other day because they smell of alcohol. It sucks though. This was my first post here. Your story is mine.