Hi all...coming out of the lurking shadows
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Hi all...coming out of the lurking shadows
I've been lurking for awhile, and over the past few days have posted a few messages. Here is my story.
My AH and I dated briefly in high school. Then I went of to college, met a guy, got married, had two daughters, etc. Neither of my parents are substance abusers, nor was my first husband (although there are many OTHER issues going on there, of course).
My divorce was terrible, ugly, and an experience I would not wish on my very worst enemy. As I was putting myself back together, I reached out to that old high school flame (still living in our hometown, 500 miles away from where I was at the time). Turned out he had never married, no kids, etc. He flew out to see me, and we were immediately inseparable.
He was honest from the outset: he had 3 DUIs in his past. One at 19, one at about 26, and one at 31. That last one came as he was finishing up an important training stage in his chosen profession. He cleaned up. He quit drinking. He attended outpatient rehab. He knew he could receive a one-year sentence in the state prison. He received a 30-day sentence in the county jail, of which he served 6 days. By the time we got back in touch, this was all a year+ in the past, and he had been sober for almost 2 years.
While my brother has had some substance abuse issues as an adult, strangely enough I have NEVER had a problem detaching from him and his actions, even before Al Anon. For some reason, probably at least in part due to my total lack of experience with alcoholism, it never even occurred to me that I needed to learn about alcoholism, how to deal with an alcoholic in recovery, etc. etc. etc. He was in recovery. Why on earth would I need to worry about it? *shakes head*
Things moved quickly. We were married within a year, and I was pregnant three weeks after that. Around the time we got married, he started having 1-2 beers (his drink of choice), 1 or 2 days a month, which continued for about 6 months. Although his drinking did not escalate during those 6 months, in retrospect I can absolutely immediately pinpoint the dramatic changes in his personality as beginning during that time.
My AH's career was hit hard by the bad economy, and he worked many hundreds of miles away from home for months at a time. He missed the majority of our son's first year. Shortly after our son's birth, his drinking began to escalate. 1-2 beers once or twice a month became 1-2 beers once or twice a week. Then 3-4 beers once or twice a week. When he left for his last stint out of town, he was drinking 3-4 beers several times a week (that I know of).
While he was gone all of last winter, it is very clear that his drinking escalated dramatically. When he returned home last summer to a permanent, local job, he was drinking nearly every day. Around that time I lost my job, and we had no choice but to move 60 miles away, closer to his new job (and farther from my daughters, whom I have joint custody of). Over the last three months in particular, it has skyrocketed to the point that he is having probably 75-80 beers a week (that I know of, of course). He has become terribly emotionally abusive to me.
I started working Al Anon shortly after he left for his last stint out of town. It has helped me tremendously. While he was away, I was very successful at detaching from his drinking. I allowed his return to kill most of the progress I had made. The new city, and my tendency to isolate myself anyway, have left me feeling very alone and hopeless. I have a temporary job that pays a small fraction of what I used to make, and I no longer make enough money after paying child support and alimony to my ex-husband to support myself and my children.
Now I'm fighting to regain my serenity again, and have good days and bad days. I generally accept that his drinking is his problem, and don't spend a lot of time worrying how much he's been drinking, except insofar as it relates to him driving me or the kids around. After our worst-ever incident of emotional abuse in early January, I have gotten much better at shutting those "conversations" down and just walking away. But I still struggle terribly with feelings of rejection, unworthiness, and failure (I don't feel like a failure because he is an alcoholic...I feel like a failure for choosing, again, a rotten life partner...I should have been smarter, wiser, more patient, etc.).
My AH is fairly high-functioning. He never misses work, and clearly believes that because he brings home a paycheck and contributes to the household expenses, that he doesn't have a problem. He works second shift, and uses that as an excuse for why he sleeps until noon and never sees our son except on the weekend. I know I can never really truly know what he is thinking and feeling, nor do I want to know. But based on what I see on a daily basis, it does not appear that he is anywhere close to wanting recovery for himself. It is obvious to me now, with the benefit of Al Anon, that when he was "in recovery" before, he was not truly in recovery. He just wasn't drinking.
He works in a very macho profession, where there are virtually no women and almost everyone drinks/uses drugs heavily. It's hard to imagine there would ever be a time when he would admit that he is powerless over alcohol. Nothing could be less macho in his eyes.
I do think he does have a significant internal struggle, though...on the one hand, he will not admit he is powerless over alcohol. He wants to believe he is in total control at all times. Yet the flip side is that if he is in total control, then (in his rational moments) he has to take responsibility for the fact that he misses so much time with his son due to his "choice" to drink. I have never, ever seen a man who loves his child more than my husband loves his son. He always wanted a family, and he is a doting, devoted father (when he's not sleeping off the alcohol, of course). I can tell by some of the things he says about himself that he knows, deep down, that he is not being everything he could be to our son (who is now almost 2). But I'm trying to just keep my hands off all of that. It's his business, and he must be the one to make the choice for recovery. Maybe someday his relationship with his son will be what pushes him to recovery. Maybe it will be a fourth DUI, followed by a long stint in jail (he is obviously drinking and driving again).
As for me, I am trying to make friends, end my isolation, take care of myself. I am refusing to accept abuse anymore. I am trying to focus on the things I can control, and trying to pick my self-esteem up out of the trash.
My AH and I dated briefly in high school. Then I went of to college, met a guy, got married, had two daughters, etc. Neither of my parents are substance abusers, nor was my first husband (although there are many OTHER issues going on there, of course).
My divorce was terrible, ugly, and an experience I would not wish on my very worst enemy. As I was putting myself back together, I reached out to that old high school flame (still living in our hometown, 500 miles away from where I was at the time). Turned out he had never married, no kids, etc. He flew out to see me, and we were immediately inseparable.
He was honest from the outset: he had 3 DUIs in his past. One at 19, one at about 26, and one at 31. That last one came as he was finishing up an important training stage in his chosen profession. He cleaned up. He quit drinking. He attended outpatient rehab. He knew he could receive a one-year sentence in the state prison. He received a 30-day sentence in the county jail, of which he served 6 days. By the time we got back in touch, this was all a year+ in the past, and he had been sober for almost 2 years.
While my brother has had some substance abuse issues as an adult, strangely enough I have NEVER had a problem detaching from him and his actions, even before Al Anon. For some reason, probably at least in part due to my total lack of experience with alcoholism, it never even occurred to me that I needed to learn about alcoholism, how to deal with an alcoholic in recovery, etc. etc. etc. He was in recovery. Why on earth would I need to worry about it? *shakes head*
Things moved quickly. We were married within a year, and I was pregnant three weeks after that. Around the time we got married, he started having 1-2 beers (his drink of choice), 1 or 2 days a month, which continued for about 6 months. Although his drinking did not escalate during those 6 months, in retrospect I can absolutely immediately pinpoint the dramatic changes in his personality as beginning during that time.
My AH's career was hit hard by the bad economy, and he worked many hundreds of miles away from home for months at a time. He missed the majority of our son's first year. Shortly after our son's birth, his drinking began to escalate. 1-2 beers once or twice a month became 1-2 beers once or twice a week. Then 3-4 beers once or twice a week. When he left for his last stint out of town, he was drinking 3-4 beers several times a week (that I know of).
While he was gone all of last winter, it is very clear that his drinking escalated dramatically. When he returned home last summer to a permanent, local job, he was drinking nearly every day. Around that time I lost my job, and we had no choice but to move 60 miles away, closer to his new job (and farther from my daughters, whom I have joint custody of). Over the last three months in particular, it has skyrocketed to the point that he is having probably 75-80 beers a week (that I know of, of course). He has become terribly emotionally abusive to me.
I started working Al Anon shortly after he left for his last stint out of town. It has helped me tremendously. While he was away, I was very successful at detaching from his drinking. I allowed his return to kill most of the progress I had made. The new city, and my tendency to isolate myself anyway, have left me feeling very alone and hopeless. I have a temporary job that pays a small fraction of what I used to make, and I no longer make enough money after paying child support and alimony to my ex-husband to support myself and my children.
Now I'm fighting to regain my serenity again, and have good days and bad days. I generally accept that his drinking is his problem, and don't spend a lot of time worrying how much he's been drinking, except insofar as it relates to him driving me or the kids around. After our worst-ever incident of emotional abuse in early January, I have gotten much better at shutting those "conversations" down and just walking away. But I still struggle terribly with feelings of rejection, unworthiness, and failure (I don't feel like a failure because he is an alcoholic...I feel like a failure for choosing, again, a rotten life partner...I should have been smarter, wiser, more patient, etc.).
My AH is fairly high-functioning. He never misses work, and clearly believes that because he brings home a paycheck and contributes to the household expenses, that he doesn't have a problem. He works second shift, and uses that as an excuse for why he sleeps until noon and never sees our son except on the weekend. I know I can never really truly know what he is thinking and feeling, nor do I want to know. But based on what I see on a daily basis, it does not appear that he is anywhere close to wanting recovery for himself. It is obvious to me now, with the benefit of Al Anon, that when he was "in recovery" before, he was not truly in recovery. He just wasn't drinking.
He works in a very macho profession, where there are virtually no women and almost everyone drinks/uses drugs heavily. It's hard to imagine there would ever be a time when he would admit that he is powerless over alcohol. Nothing could be less macho in his eyes.
I do think he does have a significant internal struggle, though...on the one hand, he will not admit he is powerless over alcohol. He wants to believe he is in total control at all times. Yet the flip side is that if he is in total control, then (in his rational moments) he has to take responsibility for the fact that he misses so much time with his son due to his "choice" to drink. I have never, ever seen a man who loves his child more than my husband loves his son. He always wanted a family, and he is a doting, devoted father (when he's not sleeping off the alcohol, of course). I can tell by some of the things he says about himself that he knows, deep down, that he is not being everything he could be to our son (who is now almost 2). But I'm trying to just keep my hands off all of that. It's his business, and he must be the one to make the choice for recovery. Maybe someday his relationship with his son will be what pushes him to recovery. Maybe it will be a fourth DUI, followed by a long stint in jail (he is obviously drinking and driving again).
As for me, I am trying to make friends, end my isolation, take care of myself. I am refusing to accept abuse anymore. I am trying to focus on the things I can control, and trying to pick my self-esteem up out of the trash.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 39
Hi there...I'm sorry you are in this situation. I am also in WI....Central part. U? I am out of my abusive/alcoholic situation almost one month now (actually one month today). I am 42 and he is 46. It took me eight years to get the courage to leave but I finally did it. We have a 10 yo son. Anyway, my story is long as well but reading yours we are very similar. I'm sorry you feel isolated, but you do need to take care of YOU and your children first and foremost. I'm glad you are ready to NOT accept the abuse anymore. There is a plan you should follow. First is contact a lawyer and go from there. They will provide you with the resources u need to move forward. My plan unfolded over a course of 3 weeks, but I have/had the resources to leave - good job/lots of supportive family and friends so I could do it. My SIL is in the same situation and she does not have the resources to do that. It just all depends. Some women feel stuck but what's worse? I would leave again with the clothes on my back if it means being free from the abuse and the alcohol. If you want to talk or if we're close, we could talk. No pressure. PM me anytime and good luck to you. Stay strong!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome to SR, Wisconsin. I am sorry for your situation that brought you here, but this is a great place to be for support and resources.
It does sound like your husband is having quite the struggle - especially with his past experiences with alcohol.
Stand firm on your boundaries and stand back and watch. It sounds as if more is to be revealed here. Breaking through the denial is hard; for A's and their loved ones. But it can be done, I do believe this. But it is a choice he has to make himself.
Good luck to you, and keep coming back!
~T
It does sound like your husband is having quite the struggle - especially with his past experiences with alcohol.
Stand firm on your boundaries and stand back and watch. It sounds as if more is to be revealed here. Breaking through the denial is hard; for A's and their loved ones. But it can be done, I do believe this. But it is a choice he has to make himself.
Good luck to you, and keep coming back!
~T
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
It pains me to see you being so hard on yourself, Wisconsin. You married what you believed to be a sober and trustworthy man, someone you even had a history with, and that his disease had itself very well hidden as he built to a relapse is not your fault.
I also many years ago married a professionally successful alcoholic whose disease was well-hidden during the courtship. Addiction fools other people very well--even other addicts and drug counselors--so you must let that shame go!
Since you are legally bound to him, you can take steps to legally separate from him with alimony and child support and even an order of protection if that ever became necessary and, especially, protections in writing for your child. So I hope you might consider speaking with an attorney.
I hope you will also go to Al-Anon and find some people to call when you feel broken or overwhelmed. It is isolation with an addict that really does the wife in.
You do not yet need to mourn your marriage as being forever over. You do not know what the future has in store.
But you can be realistic about the fact that you are living with full-blown alcoholism in your home which will make you and your child emotionally ill over time. And you can take steps to protect you both. Legal advice and possible legal separation. You do not need to decide today. All you need to do is gather information from an attorney and go to Al-Anon so you do not lose your mind. But don't leave your child with him alone. Take the baby with you to the meeting with some toys and cookies. People will understand.
I'm glad you found SR. With support you will absolutely be all right, no matter what.
I also many years ago married a professionally successful alcoholic whose disease was well-hidden during the courtship. Addiction fools other people very well--even other addicts and drug counselors--so you must let that shame go!
Since you are legally bound to him, you can take steps to legally separate from him with alimony and child support and even an order of protection if that ever became necessary and, especially, protections in writing for your child. So I hope you might consider speaking with an attorney.
I hope you will also go to Al-Anon and find some people to call when you feel broken or overwhelmed. It is isolation with an addict that really does the wife in.
You do not yet need to mourn your marriage as being forever over. You do not know what the future has in store.
But you can be realistic about the fact that you are living with full-blown alcoholism in your home which will make you and your child emotionally ill over time. And you can take steps to protect you both. Legal advice and possible legal separation. You do not need to decide today. All you need to do is gather information from an attorney and go to Al-Anon so you do not lose your mind. But don't leave your child with him alone. Take the baby with you to the meeting with some toys and cookies. People will understand.
I'm glad you found SR. With support you will absolutely be all right, no matter what.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Welcome!
I said and probably still would say my stbxH is a functioning alcoholic bc he gets up and goes to work and earns a salary.
But one thing I thought of about a month ago was this:
For a long time I felt that bc he was a functioning alcoholic and his drinking "only" impacted home, it wasn't a big deal.
What I realize now is that it is NOT functional at all to have one part of your life be under control and have the rest of your life be impacted or the cushion that absorbs the poor choices that are made.
If your H were a functional alcoholic he wouldn't be missing time with your son (my AH missed most of each weekend doing the same and it was always "I work hard, I am tired, I deserve a break, gimme a break" etc... when it was pointed out-- it was NEVER bc of the drinking) and he wouldn't be a non existant H to you when he is around.
I hate the mentality of A's that bc they have a paycheck, somehow they are to be praised and that anything that goes on that is awful outside of work is to be forgiven bc they earn money.
I don't know who came up with the functional alcoholic label but I think it does more harm than good (mind you I have used it plenty myself).
I'm glad you are here-- I can relate to much of your story. Especially the part about life with his colleagues being macho and how you can't ever imagine he'll admit powerlessness over alcohol bc it's not manly. My AH could never imagine a life without alcohol-- his friendships all center around it and he preferred to have alcohol and surface level friendships with other drinkers to a life with his kids and wife. Sad choice.
I said and probably still would say my stbxH is a functioning alcoholic bc he gets up and goes to work and earns a salary.
But one thing I thought of about a month ago was this:
For a long time I felt that bc he was a functioning alcoholic and his drinking "only" impacted home, it wasn't a big deal.
What I realize now is that it is NOT functional at all to have one part of your life be under control and have the rest of your life be impacted or the cushion that absorbs the poor choices that are made.
If your H were a functional alcoholic he wouldn't be missing time with your son (my AH missed most of each weekend doing the same and it was always "I work hard, I am tired, I deserve a break, gimme a break" etc... when it was pointed out-- it was NEVER bc of the drinking) and he wouldn't be a non existant H to you when he is around.
I hate the mentality of A's that bc they have a paycheck, somehow they are to be praised and that anything that goes on that is awful outside of work is to be forgiven bc they earn money.
I don't know who came up with the functional alcoholic label but I think it does more harm than good (mind you I have used it plenty myself).
I'm glad you are here-- I can relate to much of your story. Especially the part about life with his colleagues being macho and how you can't ever imagine he'll admit powerlessness over alcohol bc it's not manly. My AH could never imagine a life without alcohol-- his friendships all center around it and he preferred to have alcohol and surface level friendships with other drinkers to a life with his kids and wife. Sad choice.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I do think he does have a significant internal struggle, though...on the one hand, he will not admit he is powerless over alcohol. He wants to believe he is in total control at all times. Yet the flip side is that if he is in total control, then (in his rational moments) he has to take responsibility for the fact that he misses so much time with his son due to his "choice" to drink.
It helps to also know that alcoholism is a progressive disease. I managed to get sober still able to work with family and friends but these things would have disappeared if I hadn't. A "Functioning alcoholic" is an alcoholic. Just one who hasn't yet lost everything, destroyed ourselves and other people. The key word is "yet". Because it will happen.
Well I'm also powerless over "people, places and things". I have no control whatsoever over what anyone else does, thinks, says. It's almost as difficult getting this as it is getting sober. It's a process that takes longer than most of us want. In my case it involved seeing someone I loved deeply to go on killing himself while saving myself at the same time. I can say this now: I will never get involved with another alcoholic, active or recovering.
God bless!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: somewhere better
Posts: 49
welcome and sorry you are in this situation, do you have any family you can at least talk to, mine were fundamental to me leaving but that took several years for me to get to that point, we are six months free and still learnin
great you are looking after yourself and your child and carry on doing that there are lots of resources on here to make use of.
my ex loves his DD and she loves him i would say he idolises her and he is her daddy, they will always have that bond but he cant be left alone with her as cant ensure safety, look after yourself and use all the support you can.
great you are looking after yourself and your child and carry on doing that there are lots of resources on here to make use of.
my ex loves his DD and she loves him i would say he idolises her and he is her daddy, they will always have that bond but he cant be left alone with her as cant ensure safety, look after yourself and use all the support you can.
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