Unfolding

I have to ask this age old, tired question here because being in recovery is part of the equation, so the answer may not be so straight forward.

SO this man was introduced to me by a friend (she and I are alanon, he is the sponsee of her fiance, both in AA). We have been dating for about month a half. Although we are very attracted to each other, I think it's too early for sex and have said so since we are still very much in the getting to know each other stage, and are not exclusive. Neither of us are seeing other people at the moment, but he did not venture to promise he wouldn't. I take that for what it is, am not kidding myself. AM not putting pressure on him to commit, but have made known, I need to be in an exclusive, committed relationship for that level of intimacy.

This man has some really great qualities; I've been enjoying our time together, was looking forward to continuing to get to know him. He is also withdrawing from some prescription meds, as he had a recent injury. The side effects are really affecting him, and he's shared he's prone to anxiety attacks.

He sent me a dozen long stem roses for Valentines Day, love it, but I believe conversations as well as actions are necessary to deepen a relationship.

Since our conversation about whether to have or not have sex, he declared the next day he needed some time to figure things out, and used the meds withdrawal as a reason as well. I said I'd give him time, although I do have tickets for a concert I invited him to two weeks ago, which he said he'd still go to. I still do want to go with him, and don't want to have to invite someone else as second choice at this point.

My question is, should I leave him alone, and take this as a sign to be grateful I'm finding this out about him now and move on? Is he really just saying with his (non) action, he doesn't want to, can't deal? (Deal with actually moving forward in a relationship, delayed gratification, I don't know. He just said he needed time, which usually means, in my experience, nice way of fading away). How much might the withdrawal, (legitimate), have to do with his stepping back?

I know the answer should be obvious, my gut is leaning toward lettting it go, enjoying the rest of the week, confirming one way or the other with enough time to invite someone else in case he does want to back out anyway, and his loss, saving myself a load of heartache, he wasn't really into me enough to give it more time. Even though everyone is an individual, and only he has the actual answers to my questions, the perspective of a male in recovery would be apppreciated.

I know the whole picture can't be painted here, and a lot of pieces might be missing to an outsider, but the basics are here. I don't want to dismiss what up 'til now seemed to be growing as a healthy potential relationship.

Thanks for reading.

lillamy

I'm a female codie, not a male addict in recovery, so understand the perspective my response is coming from. Also, I'm basing this only on this one post, and as you say, there are always many other sides to a relationship than what you can convey that quickly.

I'm a very simple person, and old and tired: I wouldn't waste time trying to figure out what another person is really thinking. I'd take what he said at face value: He said he needed time to figure things out. I'd take that as he needs time to figure things out.

I would move on with my life. And if he ever comes back and has figured things out, there may or may not be space for him in my life.

inpieces314

Yeah, I agree with anvil. Whether or not the man is in recovery, he is still a man, and they all think alike. And we know what THAT means.

theuncertainty

bleah. I'm getting up the nerve to walking away from situation that is eerily similar to Unfolding's, except my guy is recovering from a relationship and divorce with an alcoholic wife. (Well, I guess not *my* guy...) I tried to talk to him this past weekend and all I got was "I don't want to NOT see you."

What does that mean? I dunno. I feel like the character Gigi in the movie "He's Just Not That Into You"... kinda clueless, overly optimistic...

Bleah. I so did not want to read anything like Anvil's post.

naive

good work on establishing your boundary, communicating it and sticking to it!

since he's a sponsee in AA, he'll have done the 12 steps. if he's really in recovery, he's done the work and should be able to be honest.

therefore, why not just ask him your question?

seek

Why does he have to figure anything out if you aren't ready for sex yet? That doesn't make any sense . . .it's like he is giving you a silent ultimatum: He will "back away and take time" until you give in and have sex? That seems so manipulative.

The withdrawal from meds . . .who knows?

Sounds like he has control issues though.

inpieces314

Really, I don't know of a single person who is really withdrawing from something and is thinking about sex. That is like, the LAST thing on their minds.

Yeah, I know what you mean though, my boyfriend keeps going on and on about how he's gonna go elsewhere if he's not going to get it from me. It got to the point today where I just told him to go. He and I both know that he's not going anywhere and he just says it to **** me off. But really, I am powerless to stop his drinking, but he is powerless to make me have sex. HAHAHA!

Cyranoak

Why somebody in recovery for alcoholism? Why not somebody who is not an alcoholic?

Unfolding

Thank you all for your frank replies.

Shortly after posting, I went ahead and just contacted him, to clear the air. The anxiety attacks are very real, and anyone who has had them knows what that's about. He did respond, we talked; since we are still getting to know each other, he explained it's embarrassing for him to be in this state in front of me, and didn't want to expose me to it. I have a friend who is prone to anxiety attacks and know this can be heavy. It wasn't about our talk, which was where my mind was running, but about what's going on regarding his recent injury, the case pending around it, and the withdrawal from the meds and having trouble trusting his Higher Power. I didn't want my imagination running wild and it gave him the chance to open up even in that vulnerable place, to address my concerns.

Inpieces, I agree with you, the stereotypes are often true, and lessons learned from life do carry wieght, but I also don't categorize all men as being the same. That's not fair to do to either sex, and the reason even though I was thinking the answer to my question was obvious, there can be exceptions. This turned out to be one of them, thankfully.

And yes, Seek, thanks for your input, your thoughts are one of the directions my mind was going, glad to know I'm not the only one who thinks that way, better to find out I was wrong.

Naive, as I wrote in my post, I told him initally I'd give him time, which was why I held off on asking him to explain himself beyond what he originally shared. I wanted to respect his need to sort things through, but when the voices in my own head were getting the better of me, ( after a couple of days), it was more fair to give him the chance to answer the questions himself than for me to start projecting and getting worked up over possible imagined explanations that were just getting ugly.

Finally, Cyranoak, anyone's response is appreciated, but since this person I'm referring to is in recovery, I especially want the perspective of a man who also deals with issues that come up in this process as well. I believe being a recovering addict/ alcoholic adds to the dynamics of coping with everyday challenges, and it's relevant. Also, I've been told by some in the fellowship that have suffered from substance or alcohol abuse, there are things I just don't/wouldn't understand. I asked for the perspective of someone in recovery to gain better understanding.

Anyway, this person still has my respect, turning out to not be a jerk, and was not being manipulative or taking the coward's way out, and it's not that's he's not interested in taking things slow. Believe me, all that stuff played with my head, which is why I posted. Again, thanks for all your replies. Still gonna take it nice and easy, puttin' him in the hands of his Higher Power.

blwninthewind

My thought was why would you want to do that twice???

I mean...your in Alanon...that tells me you know the roller coaster ride your in for if you date an alcoholic...recovery or not..they still have a lot of baggage...

good lord, girl...go find a normal guy!

Freedom1990

I am in recovery, and I had a hernia repair that turned out to be more extensive than originally planned a few years ago. I was on pain meds for a couple of weeks, and the withdrawals (both physical and mental) were horrible. I had this feeling I was going to come right out of my skin. I talked to my sponsor a lot during that period, continued to go to meetings in spite of feeling panic and anxiety, and eventually it passed.

Threshold

dang, wow! this thread...

SO many things I want to respond to.

I'll try to deal with the original topic, not a man, but I am an addict in recovery. Every addict has their own underlying issues. Some get clean and want to jump the bones of everyone in sight. Others suspect that new relationships are an invitation to relapse and back off for awhile.

I think talking to HIM was the wisest route.

I'm a woman and I was shocked by the remark that we all know how men are...sex is a huge motivator for ME to be in a relationship. Is that bad?

On the same subject...backing out of a relationship because it doesn't provide what you are looking for or need isn't an ultimatum, it's honesty.

Not everyone wants the same thing and saying or showing that something isn't working for you isn't an effort to control the other person unless it is being presented that way.

Sex may or may not have been the issue. There are 1000 different aspects to relationships. And if sex was the issue, that's a valid reason for someone to look elsewhere if sex is what they want. That may not be the case here, but if it was, doesn't it make more sense to back off than to try to pressure the current partner into doing what they want?

People can be unavailable for relationships for many different reasons. Sometimes we don't realize that we aren't ready until we get into one and realize that it isn't working for us.

It can be very hard to move on when we want something that we might not be able to have. I wouldn't suggest you wait around for him, but there is no reason to force the issue or try to prove something to yourself by finding someone else to show you've moved on. Things unfold in their own time. If another great guy comes along, get to know him and see what happens. You are not in any way commited to this one, so do what is best for you.

Unfolding

To Blwninthewind - Go find a normal guy? That's really insulting to anyone in recovery and what's normal anyway? Are you perfect?

I don't know how thoroughly you read my post, but I stated that I was introduced to this person. I know it's long, but if you respond, it behooves you to read a person's post completely. A friend introduced us. I didn't explicitly state it, but she thought we might hit it off. This is a very common way people meet each other.

I have indeed been leary of getting involved in relationships with anyone in AA/NA etc. or with current addictions, but I am choosing to be open minded here and give myself the chance to get to know a guy that so far has demonstrated integrity, has a genuine relationship with his higher power, is actively working his program, and not only has a sponsor but sponsors others. We feel comfortable with each other, I feel really great when I'm with him, and he treats me well. I'm not looking for trouble, but am not kidding myself as we go along either.

Today I have healthy boundaries that allow me to be open to new people and experiences without making myself completely vulnerable. There's nothing wrong with being open to getting to know someone, and opening up, on levels, so to speak, as you witness a person's consistent behavior; whether he or she can be trusted with deeper parts of yourself. It's not necessary or healthy to be completely open right away, before finding out what they are truly about and if they can value and respect what you share with them. At this point I am emotionally open enough to give this a chance to grow and see if it goes anywhere, but detached enough that I could walk away and not bear any scars. It's possible.

If I were to dismiss this, I miss out on a chance to grow, to apply the healthy relationship skills my Higher Power has instilled in me, and maybe what could be an awesome relationship with a wonderful person. If it doesn't work out, I don't have to have a broken heart, 'cause I haven't given it away.

My mom has been married to someone for almost 20 years now who was an addict, (heroine, meth) and an alcoholic. He lost everything he had, but got sober, long story short, is retired from his counseling positon with full social work and CASAC certification, spearheaded a recovery program in his church, and in many ways has been more of a father to me than my father was. I have a great relationship with both my father, who is my qualifier, and my step dad, who is an inspiration and who I have the highest respect for.

You might want to rethink your comment.

inpieces314

Everyone is addicted to something. Whether or not it is a drug is another story. Sex addiction just came around a couple years ago, and was unheard of before that. I guarantee you, there were all kinds of sex addicts before that. Gambling addiction, gaming addiction, food addiction, love addiction, I myself am an anger addict. (True story-you get addicted to the adrenaline rush, fight or flight response, all that when you get angry).

The fact of the matter is, it does not matter who is addicted to what or what is going on with them, as long as you are able to accept that fact. If you aren't, leave. Period. My last relationship was with a "normal" guy and he absolutely destroyed me. It was 6 years ago, and I will never EVER get over his infidelity and what he did to me, all while I was pregnant. It is what it is. I could have left, but I didn't until I could no longer accept the things he was doing to me.

That is how the end of every relationship is, addict or not. When their behavior is no longer acceptable to you, you go. Period.

Unfolding

Threshold, I agree with you. Two people should be no less than they who they really are, and there's nothing wrong with letting each other know what they want and need. If someone isn't on the same page, by now we should all know not try to change that, accept it and definitely move on.

Also whole heartedly agree there's nothing worng with wanting sex either. I sure do. Just not at this point between us. Chemistry and sexual compatibility are crucial to me in a relationship. He and I already know the chemistry is there, so that's actually a good thing.

Right now this is actually about my respecting his need to keep things at a pace he feels comfortable with, too. Neither of us planned to get involved with anyone when we were introduced, (people say when you're not looking that's when it happens), and we met at a time when he was in the midst of a few other challenges gong on.

The sex conversation coincided with these other matters, but after he shared with me the details of his concerns, and the upcoming court date related to this injury, sex in fact is a minor issue at the moment. Maintaining his dignity, staying out of a psych ward, and having faith in God are on the forefront of his mind.

Being there for him in prayer, the communication is open, and livin' life. One moment at a time.

Unfolding

Inpieces, you are right, been there, learned that. I was not asking whether to simply walk away in this case, just because I got the "need space" request.

I am capapble of walking away without having to stick around to see how the story ends to know where some situations will wind up, and I definitely have my deal breakers, which can show themselves very early on.

I just asked a man's point of view whether I should at least reach out first, even though I offered to give him time, or give him all the time a person could want and keep moving and f he didn't or wouldn't get back to me, his loss.

After having spoken to him, I appreciated that he shared more details about what was on his mind, it put my mind at rest, and we are going to continue to remain in contact. Niether of us is locked in or obligated to eadh other in any way, so the pace is actually OK with me. This may not be a person that's right for me, I might not be right for him, but we haven't drawn that conclusion yet.

Also, I agree that there are all kinds of addictions, not just to substances. Addiction to crisis, controlling, being a martyr, savior, can also be addictions. That is why today I can be detach with love here and look at myself and let God take care of everyone else. It's possible to be there someone, without picking up what they can and need to do for themselves.

By the way, I asked one of my brothers for his perspective, which was helpful, and he could apppreciate wanting to specifically get a man's point of view.

m1k3

Unfolding, I am in recovery from a relationship with an alcoholic as well as having an alcoholic father.

One boundary I have set for myself is that I will never be in a relationship again with anyone who is an alcoholic, recovering or not.

That is for my own protection.

Your friend,

akrasia

I'm not a man, but if I'd been dating someone casually-ish for six weeks, and then I got a change of heart and didn't want to date them anymore, I might say something similar to the above.

Is that terrible of me? It just seems like a "let's break up" speech would be over-the-top for such a short dating period. And saying, "I'm not all that interested in dating you anymore," would just be too brutal and mean.

Unfolding

That is a useful strategy, M1k3. It can be lifesaving. I set that for myself a few years back, too, but found that it was a wall, rather than a boundary for me. As I've gotten better with the help of my HP at maintaining boundaries, I can still protect myself while letting myself get to know individuals, whether they have past addiction problems or not.

I've also learned to trust my judgment, and when, like Inpieces said, when I see something that's unacceptable, just go. I can look back at points in relationships in my life when I knew I should have turned on my heel and run, would have saved myself a lot of heart ache.

Take good care

Cyranoak

...but let me be clear it was a rhetorical question for you to consider and did not require and answer to me or anybody else.

Also, and I say this gently not defensively, I am in 12-Step Recovery and have been since 2003 (just not for alcoholism). I deal with issues that come up in this process every single day with my recovering alcoholic wife who has only been sober for one year.

I have a lot of experience in this area to share-- more than I ever wanted.

I truly wish you the best.

Take care,

Cyranoak