Behavior of some Al-Anon members.
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Behavior of some Al-Anon members.
I'm still kind of "shopping around" as far as Al-Anon meetings go, but the particular group I've been to a couple of times, I don't think I'll be going back there. For one thing, people were acting like the experiences had along the way should be a negative thing in your life. That they will f*ck you up for the rest of your life, no matter what. I really don't want it to be like that, I want to find a way to make it all a positive thing, use it as a "fuel" for something good.
Another thing a few of the women were doing, which in my mind I was thinking, 'WTF' when I heard about this, is they live with an alcoholic husband/boyfriend, but they also have men on the side. So they have their A, and they also have a "normal boyfriend" who they date, neither guy knows about the other. It's so they can stay with who they "really" love, their A, but at the same time, have a relationship like "any normal person would". And they do not see this as problematic or dysfunctional at all. In fact they see it as their "right", as in, their A makes them miserable so therefore they are entitled to have an extra boyfriend. I don't know, it doesn't make much sense to ME, but whatever...
Another thing a few of the women were doing, which in my mind I was thinking, 'WTF' when I heard about this, is they live with an alcoholic husband/boyfriend, but they also have men on the side. So they have their A, and they also have a "normal boyfriend" who they date, neither guy knows about the other. It's so they can stay with who they "really" love, their A, but at the same time, have a relationship like "any normal person would". And they do not see this as problematic or dysfunctional at all. In fact they see it as their "right", as in, their A makes them miserable so therefore they are entitled to have an extra boyfriend. I don't know, it doesn't make much sense to ME, but whatever...
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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LOL! WTF? This sounds like the definition of insanity to me - making one's life unmanageable.
Remember - there are sick people in 12 step programs...the key is finding the groups whose dysfunction is something you can live with and learn from! ; )
Remember - there are sick people in 12 step programs...the key is finding the groups whose dysfunction is something you can live with and learn from! ; )
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adding fuel to a wild fire...
This is an awesome and necessary post. Al-anon meetings are great in so many ways in terms of having reflection about what you need for yourself. Take what you want and leave the rest. There are a lot of sick people. I am one of them who has struggled with codependency and have jumped from relationship to relationship in the past without truly ending the previous. It does NOT work ever. I realized I needed to be on my own and even moved out of the country for a year just to do that. And here I am still in love with my ex and letting him go and other men are already wanting intimacy with me. Talk about WTF. Of course I want friendship and connection with people. But what in these guys right mind would want to be in a relationship with someone who is clearly in the middle of something else. Of course I was tempted by the fact that I have some pretty great options for potential boyfriends. But I am not looking for something else to fill the void of him. Healing the wound first and then in time I can explore opening to intimacy again. I tried that already, having another guy on the side, and that is evidence of my codependency and addiction. The best we can do is not judge others and learn from mistakes and be grateful for change and progress. I admit that has been a weakness and a pattern I am breaking with concerted effort. Lots of love and blessings your way.
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Originally Posted by blackandblue 
This is an awesome and necessary post. Al-anon meetings are great in so many ways in terms of having reflection about what you need for yourself. Take what you want and leave the rest. There are a lot of sick people. I am one of them who has struggled with codependency and have jumped from relationship to relationship in the past without truly ending the previous. It does NOT work ever. I realized I needed to be on my own and even moved out of the country for a year just to do that. And here I am still in love with my ex and letting him go and other men are already wanting intimacy with me. Talk about WTF. Of course I want friendship and connection with people. But what in these guys right mind would want to be in a relationship with someone who is clearly in the middle of something else. Of course I was tempted by the fact that I have some pretty great options for potential boyfriends. But I am not looking for something else to fill the void of him. Healing the wound first and then in time I can explore opening to intimacy again. I tried that already, having another guy on the side, and that is evidence of my codependency and addiction. The best we can do is not judge others and learn from mistakes and be grateful for change and progress. I admit that has been a weakness and a pattern I am breaking with concerted effort. Lots of love and blessings your way.
I think the way I see it is, complete honesty is necessary in recovery and, unfortunately, there are people who don't quite "get" that.
Like someone in Al-Anon will talk about how deceitful and manipulative their husband is and yet they themselves have a man on the side...
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I think that's why having SR on the side (and a sponsor in another state) was so useful to me: I needed someone to call me on my BS (no man on the side, oh he'll to the no, but other forms of conveniently lying to myself). Al-Anon meetings were lifesavers to me, but that, they didn't do.
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Originally Posted by lillamy
I think that's why having SR on the side (and a sponsor in another state) was so useful to me: I needed someone to call me on my BS (no man on the side, oh he'll to the no, but other forms of conveniently lying to myself). Al-Anon meetings were lifesavers to me, but that, they didn't do.
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That is really interesting. I was a good wife for many years. Got into Al-anon, came for the meeting right on time and left as soon as it was over. I had four children, never had the time to stay and talk after the meeting and was to afraid to do it also. I was afraid of what others thought of me. And I see why I was afraid. I was afraid of people who would talk behind my back about me, I didn't trust anyone and I can see why I didn't from this post. I was faithful to my husband and tried everything to get it, our marriage, to work. I tried going to the church my mother-in-law recommended, being closer to his family and taking advice from them.
I could tell things that I heard in my meeting about the alcoholics and what they have done in relationship to there marriage vows...but that would be unkind and gossip, right?
I could tell things that I heard in my meeting about the alcoholics and what they have done in relationship to there marriage vows...but that would be unkind and gossip, right?
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Originally Posted by tiredoftryin
That is really interesting. I was a good wife for many years. Got into Al-anon, came for the meeting right on time and left as soon as it was over. I had four children, never had the time to stay and talk after the meeting and was to afraid to do it also. I was afraid of what others thought of me. And I see why I was afraid. I was afraid of people who would talk behind my back about me, I didn't trust anyone and I can see why I didn't from this post. I was faithful to my husband and tried everything to get it, our marriage, to work. I tried going to the church my mother-in-law recommended, being closer to his family and taking advice from them.
I could tell things that I heard in my meeting about the alcoholics and what they have done in relationship to there marriage vows...but that would be unkind and gossip, right?
I could tell things that I heard in my meeting about the alcoholics and what they have done in relationship to there marriage vows...but that would be unkind and gossip, right?
this is a serious issue about OUR recovery...
apparently some people think its a fine thing to do....
is it?
some of us think it's immoral, some think it's wrong, and some may think it's justified. Are any of us wrong?
This isn't the same as going to a PTO mtg and saying.."omg you wouldn't believe who I ran into at alanon..and they said..blah blah blah.."... THAT is gossip.
This is a important aspect of our recovery...our intimate relationships.
I don't agree...but I also know...we are seriously sick puppies us codies.
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It does seem like a rather horrid way to go about "recovering" from co-dependency...being as it kind of smacks of needing the "normal" man in order to feel normal oneself. Isn't the whole point to not need the validation from others and not have the reliance on what they do for our own state of mind? Completely aside from morals, or masochism, or whatever else comes to mind -- it seems like having a "normal boyfriend" on the side of your marriage to an A would kind of have the same effect as the A who is consistently going to AA meetings, but still chugging off the hidden bottle.
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I want to vote with my feet and leave- but won't......am a double winner- child of an alcoholic and an alcoholic in recovery. The Alanon group I attend because it is the only one my sister and I can do together- they hate alcoholics/ or have a resentment with them- so you cannot mention the other fellowship. I don't really feel welcome there. I know they have a singleness of purpose......I need to get over it. 
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Originally Posted by choublak
Another thing a few of the women were doing, which in my mind I was thinking, 'WTF' when I heard about this, is they live with an alcoholic husband/boyfriend, but they also have men on the side. So they have their A, and they also have a "normal boyfriend" who they date, neither guy knows about the other. It's so they can stay with who they "really" love, their A, but at the same time, have a relationship like "any normal person would". And they do not see this as problematic or dysfunctional at all. In fact they see it as their "right", as in, their A makes them miserable so therefore they are entitled to have an extra boyfriend. I don't know, it doesn't make much sense to ME, but whatever...
Ugh. Hope you find a better group.
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I don't think it's gossip to share a core of thoughts or ideas or something that we realized or that someone else pointed out to me. I don't feel it's gossip to talk about how a month or two ago at one meeting the speaker commented that both his parents were abusive A's, and he is still working through a lot of it, but if it wasn't for them he wouldn't be here today so he's grateful for his parents, and how his comment helped me realize that wonderful things can come out of the worst of situations and perspective has a lot to do with our views of the world. I feel that not sharing something like that, if it's appropriate to do so, is really being selfish about a realization in a meeting that has helped me a lot!
That said, if I started talking about what meeting it was or who said it, especially to people outside of Al-Anon (who don't know this person is a member) but also to those in it who weren't at that particular meeting (depending in this case upon the topic), then it would be gossip/betrayal of the anonymity of Al-Anon.
My view is that concepts are good and important to share. Feelings and realizations and thoughts are worth sharing, especially when they help us, whether they assist because they're good examples or bad ones.
Specifics and names, on the other hand, are not. Things spoken in confidence between two members of Al-Anon are not.
The One Day at a Time books talk about concepts and mistakes people make in meetings, without calling out anyone by name, but merely using the generalized view of things or by mentioning a nameless person as the subject of the topic. If that's okay for approved Al-Anon literature, then I feel that it's also okay outside of Al-Anon, as long as we keep the same discretion about anonymity.
Just my two cents.
That said, if I started talking about what meeting it was or who said it, especially to people outside of Al-Anon (who don't know this person is a member) but also to those in it who weren't at that particular meeting (depending in this case upon the topic), then it would be gossip/betrayal of the anonymity of Al-Anon.
My view is that concepts are good and important to share. Feelings and realizations and thoughts are worth sharing, especially when they help us, whether they assist because they're good examples or bad ones.
Specifics and names, on the other hand, are not. Things spoken in confidence between two members of Al-Anon are not.
The One Day at a Time books talk about concepts and mistakes people make in meetings, without calling out anyone by name, but merely using the generalized view of things or by mentioning a nameless person as the subject of the topic. If that's okay for approved Al-Anon literature, then I feel that it's also okay outside of Al-Anon, as long as we keep the same discretion about anonymity.
Just my two cents.
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That said -- I can understand how people fall for someone else and use them as a springboard out of a dysfunctional relationship. I can totally see how that would appear helpful (I don't think it is, emotionally, I think it's -- again -- avoiding dealing with the issues). But that would be the same whether you're married to an addict or not.
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Many many moons ago after my first divorce, I had a therapist tell me that I hadn't emotionally divorced my husband and often the best way to do that was to become involved and invested in someone new.
You could have knocked me over with a feather.
This was not someone I was seeing regularly, and after that nor did I wish too, it just felt pretty weird.
Years later I met his wife and understood that he was quite a troubled man himself..and was perhaps justifying his own ongoing affair and upcoming divorce?
You could have knocked me over with a feather.
This was not someone I was seeing regularly, and after that nor did I wish too, it just felt pretty weird.
Years later I met his wife and understood that he was quite a troubled man himself..and was perhaps justifying his own ongoing affair and upcoming divorce?
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