choublak

The women I met were doing this because they feel that they are "owed" something, and as a form of "revenge" to the alcoholic.

lillamy

That does not sound like a healthy way to building a strong, recovered life for yourself.

NYCDoglvr

One of the big things alcoholics and co-dependents must deal with is denial. It's how we've run our lives, our coping mechanism. Why we don't talk out the door. What you're hearing is denial ... We learn to keep the focus on us instead of taking other people's inventory. We compare our self to our self, not others.

I had to make a commitment to myself of going to six meetings before I started understanding. It's hard to see myself reflected in other people. But it brought a lot of growth.

choublak

I thought I was going somewhere where people work on focusing on themselves...instead, it felt like an "alcoholic haters club" in there, someone actually said something like "they (alcoholics) should all be euthanized" I mean WOW. I understand recovery is a process that people go through at different rates, but I feel I have already gotten beyond that stage.

NYCDoglvr

I certainly couldn't go to those meetings as you describe them. Sounds like there is a problem with the structure of the meeting because people shouldn't be able to talk this way during the meeting. Any other Al-anon group you can visit?

choublak

Yeah, there are several. Maybe I'll try a Spanish language one so, if nothing else, I can practice my speaking and listening skills.

fourmaggie

shows alot eh?...scary stuff...I mean what a nice WELCOME through those doors and you see this UNEXCEPTABLE BEHAVIOUR...shows they are NOT working an HONEST program....

I agree whomever said it here, thank god for finding this place and an supportive group...I have made many friend there and of course MANY sponsors...I am fortunate to have many groups i can go to....

still comes back to STEP 1....i am powerless over PEOPLE, PLACE and things..and amongs other things.....

good for you to notice a "problem"....shame really, because YOU saw the problem and as SICK AS WE ARE when we go through those doors, i am scared for others and saw this and NEVER GO BACK...*sigh*

choublak

I think it's gossip only when it's more about the person than the behavior. I really don't know the people who were talking about this so I can't and won't pass judgment on them. My reaction is more like, 'wow, okay, I hope they find their way out of such self-destructive behavior some day' and then run far away, because it is not in my best interest to be around such turmoil. (And you know there will be turmoil; these things never end well!)

DesertEyes

The rule about gossip is the same rule about sharing. If the topic of discussion affects your recovery then it is a valid subject for a meeting. The principle of anonymity provides a layer of protection for those who are struggling to find sanity in their lives, and allows other people to see them as normal human beings living with difficult challenges.

SoberRecovery does not request personal identifying information, thereby providing anonymity in the forums. SR is not allied with Al-Anon, but we have adapted the steps and traditions into many of our forums. We expect people to respect each other, share their personal experience and not give advice, follow the original topic, request that people _not_ identify anybody by name, etc.

All of which means that these forums are considered to be a "meeting". Al-Anon has telephone meetings, meetings by mail, and similar variations. So a meeting by internet is well within the established guidelines. However, because of the world wide exposure of the forums we have to make an extra effort to maintain anonymity and respect. That is why we have volunteers going around to keep the place "clean" and respectful.

The short version is that if it affects your recovery, and you don't identify people, the subject is valid for discussion here on SR.

Mike
Moderator, SR

sandladyvb

I am glad you are going to shop around (visit) other Al-Anon groups. It has long been the suggestion to visit other groups because they are all different from each other. I'm also glad you are not going to judge Al-Anon as a program or all of our groups by the behavior of the members of one group.

An individual member's behavior,actions, and values in their personal lives is their choice. Al-Anon neither endorses or opposes members' choices. What works for one person may not work for another. However, an important aspect of our program is to avoid judging people. We can for ourselves choose the people we spend our time with and when their behavior or values is uncomfortable for us, we have the freedom to move away from them. We don't have to judge them--we can simply "detach with love."

Good luck visiting other groups. Hopefully it won't take you very long to find a new group to attend.