Drinking in front of the A
 

OK, my AH got his DUI a few days ago and has sworn off alcohol forever. I told him, "Ok, that's up to you." I believe in the 'I'll believe it when I see it' and 'actions speak louder than words'.
I, myself, drink a glass of wine every so often and I have a few bottles around the house. I was thinking that I should just give them away and not drink in front of AH now that he's committed to quitting. But, on the other hand, he hasn't thrown out his beers that he's hiding in his closet either. I, personally, can give up drinking forever as it's not a big deal to me but I kinda feel that I shouldn't bother if he's not going to get rid of his stash. If I saw him throw it all out, I'd follow suit. So, what would you do?

Are you going to ALANON Classes?

And is he in AA?

Those classes might be just what the both of you need!

I wouldn't wait until I saw what he does before taking an action that could very well be a positive message and a proactive action for him to see. In some ways, getting rid of your own booze shows support for his decision to swear off booze and could further reinforce his decision. If he catches your message behind this action or not, makes no difference. You putting it out there in the world is enough. Aside from the inner quirks of your relationship, why in the world would you need to see what he does first?

The more important question for you is this: why do you feel it's necessary to turn something you can do now, something that has every potential of being positive and proactive, into a reactive future consideration - based on some possible future behavior that you have no control over? If you can do something that has even the slightest possibility of helping and it won't cost you a thing, do it. Full stop.

Throw it out. Throw all of it out, now. Throw all of his out as well, if you can find it. Good luck x

I was planning on throwing all mine out anyway, but he keeps trying to convince me that I shouldn't punish myself for HIS problem. I quit drinking 17 years ago when he quit, too, and I didn't miss it a bit. I'm sure the same would apply today. I guess I'm just wondering what his motivation is for wanting me to keep it around the house still. I am planning on giving my 3 bottles of wine to a friend who lives close by and she can hang onto them for me and drink them if she and her husband want. I am planning on pouring out my vodka and rum(which I kept around for entertaining as I don't drink anything except wine).

I will not get rid of his stash, and I know where some of it is. That is his job to do. As for Al Anon, yes I have been attending for about 6 weeks but do not have a sponsor yet.
Thank you all for responding, I love responses like the one above that really make me think.

I'm a bit on the fence about this issue. But, I think my prevailing opinion is that we are each individuals with our own battles. Why should you stop because he has a problem? I wouldn't turn down a slice of cake if my partner was diabetic, would I? Why should I feel I have to? We liken alcoholism to diseases like cancer etc and if this is the case, why should there be an expectation to change our lifestyle in the face of someone else's condition unless we want to do it for our own reasons? If the treatment for alcoholism is abstinence, then it would be like us doing chemo because someone else is. I'm not saying I fully agree with this stance, I'm stating an example based on the disease-model and playing a bit of devil's advocate here.

In Al Anon I've learned to be interdependent and not codependent. And that I should do in my life the things that work for me, and without any strings attached for having that behaviour send a message to another. Essentially that doesn't work - you abstain and think you're setting a positive example, and more likely he's not even giving that a second thought and will do as he pleases anyway. Do you feel you want to no longer drink and keep booze in the house because it has lost its importance to you? Then do it, regardless of what he would or would not do. You do it for yourself. Do you want to have a glass once in a while? Then do it, regardless of what he would or would not do. I recall an 'aha' moment I had once - after a fight from a drinking night, he and I were sitting on the couch and a comedy came on. I was still tense from the fight and kept myself from laughing at the movie, thinking if I did, I would be saying that everything is ok, when it really wasn't. And later I thought how silly that was! It was a funny movie dammit! And while I was 'trying to teach a lesson' through my sourness and angered silence, he was over the fight, enjoying the movie and probably thinking about how good a pizza would taste. We think we are much more powerful than we really are.

Now, I said I'm on the fence a bit because on the other hand, it can be supportive of a partner to take measures such as ensuring there is no booze in the home. But truly, they will find a way to drink anyways if that's what they want regardless of whether it's in the house. Best decision you can make is one that is yours. If you choose to abstain for him, do it, and then don't hold it against him and expect any different behaviour and get angry and resentful if he doesn't follow suit. It can be a classic setup for 'look what I've done for you and you haven't done your part'. So be careful in understanding your true reasons for your actions.

I'm with Anvil on this one. If he isn't taking the initiative, I'd consider this a "break", not swearing off alcohol forever. More to be revealed, hang in there!

Well, as far as I can see for now, he has gotten rid of his beers. Yet, I don't think he knows that I know where his flask is and I know it's full. Anyway, the reason I posted was because I kind of felt the way that silkspin put it. I figure he's going to drink if he wants to drink, period. Yet, if I abstain in front of him I figure I'm keeping the smell out of the bedroom and off the couch, etc especially if we're sitting right next to one another. I guess I see it as: I'm not giving up drinking, I'm just abstaining when I'm in front of him. I figure I'll have a glass with friends every once in a while but I'm not a big drinker anyway and I usually never go past one drink, no matter what I'm drinking so why bother to keep it all around?
The other part of me figures I'll just wait and see if he throws out his stash or if he starts AA, then maybe I will give it up and get it all out of the house. Honestly, though, I still believe that he will drink again. It may not be in the next few months but I think it will happen again and I know that working my program will bring me serenity no matter what happens.

It's a hard call for sure; many of us have been in this position and it's never a clear-cut answer.

However, your decisions for what you do in your life (regarding this issue or any other) shouldn't be so dependent on what he does or doesn't do. You are your own person and you can be sure he ain't taking what you do into his decision-making process.

The book "Co-dependent no more" has a lot of illuminating points on this. Good luck.

My brother lives in the same apartment building as me, and he has all of my liquor at his house. My boyfriend said he does not care if I drink, and I have had liquor here where he has seen it and hasn't touched it. One time, I told him I would get rid of my Bacardi in the fridge and he said no, he wants to see it to remind him. So he didn't drink it, but he looked at it every time he opened the fridge. A few times later when he quit, he stole my Absolut (I drink the good stuff) when it was in the fridge. So now I keep it at my brother's house. We both know it is there, but neither of us touch it, and I only drink when he isn't around.

I have a huge problem drinking when I get angry. Lately, I have always been angry. So I always want to drink. But I haven't drank in a month. And I told my boyfriend that I will gladly give it up forever if he wants, because I should probably stay away from it myself.

I think "going sober" yourself is a perfectly good way to show support. In theory, it is a brave new world for both of you, sober.

lizatola,
I have the same dilemna as you. When my A went to rehab and became sober, I removed all alcohol from the house (that I could find). I would not drink in front of her out of respect for her struggle, as it was difficult to transition into a life of sobriety when all of your freinds are still drinking heavily all the time. That was my decision and SHOULD have no effect on her sobriety.
We were both sober for some time, and over the past few years she has come to accept that the world around her does drink,and was fine abstaining. I now occasionally will have 1-2 drinks when we go out or a glass of wine at suppertime, but certainly not the all-nighters and bar scene of yore.
Unfortunately after over 5 yrs sober my A has relapsed and I am questioning weather once again I need to clean the house of liquor....ESPECIALLY her hidden stashes.
It is a difficult decision to make as I know I cannot control her sobriety- only my own, but I CAN decide to remove some of the temptation from our house and support her struggle.
I am open to input.

He hasn't sworn off drinking if he's still got alcohol stashed away. There's your actions that speak louder than words.

Re: drinking in front of an recovering alkie--I don't know. If someone has a peanut allergy, do I eat peanuts in front of them? I guess, but I'd probably be more apt to get something without peanuts, so we could share. It just seems nicer.

For myself, honestly I've never been a big drinker and now the scent of alcohol is associated with some of the saddest moments of my life. So I've gone off it. If I go out I get the coke or the tonic with lime. I'm definitely not into having wine bottles around the house or kicking back with a cosmo--ugh.

I tend to think this issue is highly individualized. I stopped all drinking last summer, when it became obvious that my AH was spiraling out of control. I stopped because I never cared about it much in the first place (1-2 drinks, maybe 3 times a year), and I felt it was important for my own serenity and for my children that there always be a totally unimpaired adult around. It wasn't about trying to send a message to my AH. First and foremost, it was about my own peace of mind. But I have known others who love to have a glass of wine with dinner on Saturday nights, and it is a source of tremendous pleasure for them. For those people, it is a much bigger sacrifice to give up alcohol.