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Old 02-21-2012, 11:52 AM   #1 (permalink)

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Is it wrong to want an apology?

After leaving my ex who was and AH and Pill popper, I know deep in my heart I made the right choice. But because he started dating someone the day after we split (that was one month ago and he thinks he loves her btw), I found it harder to move on because after 6 years you would of thought he would of least tried to fight for me. As soon as it ended, he told me I was a waste of 6 years of his time and just tossed me aside like I meant nothing to him.

Even though I was there for his DUIs, a shoulder to cry on, family gatherings, getting out dog together, was there with him in rehab, helped him with his car…you name it I FU**ING DID IT! I guess it hurts more because he never really apologized and never said he was sorry. JUST CUT ME OFF like I was an enemy. Is it wrong to want an apology to help me move on, or should I just be happy he did this to me so it would be easier to move on. I want to contact him just to talk so I can get that from him, but it is better to leave him alone right?
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Old 02-21-2012, 11:58 AM   #2 (permalink)
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I don't think it's wrong to want one, but to hang your hat on expecting one, or letting it hold up your recovery would only cause more hurt for you.

Addicts and denial go together like hand and glove.

Best to assume you will not get one now, and maybe not ever, this is something you need to discuss with a counselor or in al-anon.

Good luck,

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Old 02-21-2012, 12:06 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Been there. It seems my XAH was "going out" with someone new before we separated.

Sure you can WANT the apology but don't hang onto the hope of ever getting it, or of ever feeling validated if you ever get anything remotely resembling it.
Formerly known as "imtheidiot" or "quivering bowl of jello", but no longer!
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Old 02-21-2012, 12:10 PM   #4 (permalink)
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It's not wrong, just delusional.
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Any quotes from the big book of AA are from the first edition, or are otherwise exempt from copyright infringement under the "fair use doctrine".
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Old 02-21-2012, 12:20 PM   #5 (permalink)
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My AW and I were married 36 years, separated 10 months ago and she has been dating for 2 or 3 months.

I get these half @ssed apologies every now and then when she needs something but I don't expect a real one. I'd have a better chance of winning the lottery, twice, before getting a heartfelt apology.

Your friend,

Sanity is giving up the illusion of control.
Happiness is letting go of the past.
Serenity is just being me.

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Old 02-21-2012, 01:56 PM   #6 (permalink)

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No, it isn't wrong to want an apology, not at all. However, at this point, he cannot possibly give you a real apology. Why not? Because that would imply that he won't actually do any of those bad things again. He likely has not decided that he won't, particularly if he is still using, as that would mean not using again. It may one day come, but I would hope for the best and expect the worse.

-- From a PhD (Phormer Drunk)

I say it 'may' come because I myself have apologized, not only for things done under the influence, but also for drinking in the first place, knowing that it was dead wrong for me to do so.
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Old 02-21-2012, 04:27 PM   #7 (permalink)

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As others have said, it's not wrong but it is likely unrealistic-- at least in the short term. Consider, however, looking into why you want one. What would it change? IMHO apologies are overrated. My RAW has never apologized and I've never asked her to do so-- I don't want her to. She is showing far more with her actions than her words ever meant.

Take what you want and leave the rest,

Aspiring realist
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Old 02-21-2012, 04:43 PM   #8 (permalink)

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On the flip side of Cyranoak's wisdom, if you have heard enough apologies with no change in behavior, you get sick of the words being thrown at you as a sop to your feelings with no substance. Maybe his not apologizing to you is the only honesty he's capable of.
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Old 02-21-2012, 04:53 PM   #9 (permalink)
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My stepson is an alcoholic, crack addict and polysubstance abuser.....

In the past, he has threatened to kill 3 member so his own family, and I alternated between being a "naive s***-kicker" or a "gold digging trophy wife" (woo hoo, I'm a trophy wife!).

He apologized to me once via Facebook, of all things, and his apology was worded so that I was made out to be the bad guy if I wasn't a generous enough person to forgive him.

That is about the best apology I will likely ever receive from him.

It's definitely not wrong to want an apology, but in my experience, it really won't live up to what it truly should be.

Hugs, HG
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Old 02-21-2012, 05:16 PM   #10 (permalink)

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They really don't see it. It's like a veil over their eyes to all their bad behavior.

My RAH has 18 mos working AA....I'm still waiting for an apology. But I'm not going to get it ...very simply because...
he says
"It's a DISEASE!!!! I couldn't help what I was doing. I didnt even realize it was wrong. I shouldn't have to apologize. I wouldn't have to if I had cancer!"

uh yeah.... I guess I should amend my post to add... he SAYS he's working his steps/program but last time I checked ALL grown ups need to be accountable for their actions...past and present...disease or not.
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Old 02-22-2012, 02:49 AM   #11 (permalink)

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Wow, sounds like my ex -- 'cept that was the husband who wasn't addicted to anything other than food. We were together five years, and when I left he told me how he should have never left his previous girlfriend and I was the worst thing that ever happened to him. Two weeks later, his new girlfriend moved in (looking back, I'd be willing to wager that'd been going on about five months before I left) and she announced her pregnancy within the month.

One thing that took me a while to realize is that, though he has since seemed to realize that I really wasn't all that bad (the new extremely controlling and materialistic), he would have to acknowledge his own wrongdoing in order to be able to apologize. The closest he ever got was trying to accuse me of doing the things he was doing, because then he wouldn't be so bad if I was doing it too.

Sounds like your ex is far, far away from accepting that he has a problem, and therefore far away from ever trying to make amends. Bear in mind that he is addicted, and his actions serve his addiction -- to apologize would be acknowledging that the addiction exists. It's not easy to move on or to let go of the need for closure, but somewhere, somehow, there is a way for you to move on regardless of what he does, for no other reason than you need to do it. It probably doesn't feel like it right now, but just keep working on providing yourself with what you need to be happy and healthy, and eventually the healing will take place...and BIG virtual (((hugs))) in the meantime.
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Old 02-22-2012, 06:07 AM   #12 (permalink)
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What they all said

and this

if you chase after him trying to wring an apology from him, he is going to say and do more hurtful crap that is going to hurt and upset you more than you are now.

you are better off not putting yourself into yet another situation for him to throw your love back in your face.

It's like he's already run over you, if you get up and get in his sights, he will just run over you again. If you stay out of his sights, you give yourself a chance to heal and get on a different path.

I guarantee that trying to get an apology out of him will only make you feel worse.

A forced apology means nothing anyway.
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addiction, broke up, contact, split

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