traceydixon

Before you read, I have not yet decided what I am going to do with this. I have written it as though it is to RAH, but I don't know what I am going do with the actual writing. I think he can sense that something is up. It is just this week that I have realized the depth of my rage. (I've been meditating each morning regularly for about 5 weeks now).



This writing has no caveats. It has no apologies. It is on ONE topic and one topic only. The decision what I will do with these words will be made when I complete the writing. I feel like my hands are tied to discuss any of this because of the history of this topic in the S**** family – history that precedes me; but affects me.

So far, meditation is not having positive outcomes for me. It is uncovering a lot of unpleasantness.

Recovery – it sounds like an easy task, but it’s really not so simple. I am learning that the hardest way this time. You’d think that it would be as simple as M*** stops drinking after Tracey talks to him about the problem and recovery begins. Sounds logical. It’s not working out that way. Ironically, as I just checked the calendar, it is exactly 3 months ago today that we had that conversation. Truthfully, I am not doing much better. I am hurt, I am angry, I am bitter, I am disillusioned, I am mistrustful. I know I am suffering from PTSD (have known that one for quite a while; knew that in 2005 as well).

The fact that I have to bring this up makes me angry. Potentially angrier than I have ever been. I don’t even know how much you remember of the year 2011. That makes me mad too. Do you remember the rages? Do you remember punching the bed directly beside my head? Repeatedly? On many different nights? Do you remember the psychological head games? Do you remember storming in and out and in and out? Threatening me? Do you remember the repeated sleepless nights? Do you remember calling me awful names? I do. I remember all of it. Every. Single. Minute. Every. Single. Second. I remember every physiological reaction I had. I remember every bit of powerlessness. Every bit of it. And I remember trying to keep those two kids safe – B******* during the first half of her worst semester ever.

I’m going to be really blunt here. I’ve been abused. Yes, abused. I’ve been hurt. I’ve been betrayed. I’ve been mistreated. I’ve been threatened, both physically and with my marriage. I’ve been insulted. I’ve been sworn at. I’ve been called names. I’ve been told to get the **** out. I’m not listing it all. I don’t need to justify my anger. Or my fear.

And none of it has ever been addressed. Not once. The first task was sobriety. It was all about you. There was no “Tracey” in the sobering up. And that was okay; that was realistic; that was acceptable. And time ticked on. And time ticked on. And Tracey was never factored in. You’ve said you’re glad the last round of drinking happened because you learned a lot. Like what? I hope it was worth it. Truly. I paid a big price for your learning. I didn’t learn anything, and further, I didn’t need to learn anything. But now, there’s nothing that can be done. Anything that’s said now to address any of this is just a mercy **** because I had to ask for it. And trust me on this. I. Do. Not. Want. A. Mercy. ****.

So, to pull it into present day…. when you swore at me the other night when I asked if you still wanted to go to DQ, then walked out on me…. I have no tolerance; no reserves. PTSD kicks right in and I avoid, protect, hide – all the symptoms… they’re at the forefront….. When you snapped at me over the “Italian spice” after I said that I use it in the pasta salad…. I just retreat.
When you went off last week about how your family just prevents you from practicing Buddhism – all I hear is Buddhism is the new booze. Like objectivism, masculinism, catholicisim, veganism, vegetarianism, Harley-davidsonism……… (Funny, B******* asked me yesterday if you’re drinking again, citing how sarcastic and short you’ve been with me for the past couple weeks.)

It’s time to call a spade a spade. Enough skirting the issue. You have an addiction. You likely have an addictive personality. Your father does, and he knows it. Whatever “thread” of philosophy you’re on, it’s black-and-white…. 100%, in all the way. With regular check-ins as to what my commitment level to the new “way” is. (“Have you called the priest yet?” “Have you finished reading Atlas Shrugged yet?” “Aren’t you on-board with this?”) Now, I will put one caveat here; I do believe that Buddhism is THE philosophy. I’ve been exploring it for about a year now (in synchronicity with Objectivism even), and I do think that it is worthy. However, in moderation. In balance. Not in craving or desire or clinging.

I’m tired of the “empathy lessons”. I’m tired of every time I open my mouth I get scolded for what I just said. Maybe I should draw this part up as a chart.

Tracey’s action choices M***’s reactions
Say nothing while listening “Are you just sitting there placating me?”

Offer ideas “I’m not stupid. Do you seriously think I
haven’t thought of that?”
“I don’t need you to be the solution-ator.”
Offer help/assistance “Did you not hear what you just said? Use your
empathy. Come on… think about it.”
Commiserate “I don’t need you to commiserate. That just
makes it worse.”

Can we just be honest for a moment? I have many reasons to believe that you don’t actually really even like me anymore; you’re just stuck with me (cue Springsteen “Trapped”). At least that’s what your actions are telling me on a day-to-day basis. I see the straight-lipped face you make when I talk (that would be the hurry-up and finish face). I see you roll your eyes with impatience at me and at the kids. I don’t call you out on any of it, because here it is, as honest as I can be…. I am afraid of you.

Conversations like last night don’t help right now. Cornering me in a conversation only makes me angrier, and even less willing to communicate. I was cornered almost daily in 2011, and the stakes were high. Too high. I paid a high personal price for almost all communication I volunteered.

I’ve given it three months now. I haven’t recovered yet. In fact, I don’t think I’ve recovered at all. I looked up B*******’s former Psychologist this morning. She still has the August 2010 message on her website, so she’s out. But I’m going to need to get some help. I’m broken, and I can’t fix myself. Don’t patronize me with offers of assistance, please. I will take care of this my way, on my time, with my resources. What I do with this is between me and me now.

I’m not being empathetic with this writing. I’m not addressing any of the positives (there are many) about you, our life and our marriage. This one isn’t about that. It’s about me and my deep hurt. And ultimately, it’s about us. If I am this scarred and damaged, so are we. I don’t spend much time talking about my needs. I don’t put much stock in blame. I don’t really care about that stuff. But this time, I’m mad. I’ve taken a lot of **** that I did not deserve. And I’m pissed. It’s not up to you to do anything about that. It’s up to me. But you need to know that I am mad. I will take steps; I will bring it into the light. I will work on it. I will get whatever help I can. Right now I feel lifeless, empty and angry.

Willybluedog

That was incredibly powerful, thank you for sharing it with us.

Big hugs,

Bill

Impurrfect

(((Tracy))) - I'm sorry for all you've been through and are still going through. I, too, have PTSD, though it's gotten much better, there are things that trigger my "fight or flight" feelings and I overreact, get extremely angry (or maybe it's fear behind it) and scream like a mad woman.

I have 3 XABFs and am a recovering addict (RA) - turned to substances to deal with my first dysfunctional relationship. I remember realizing I was being abused, never physically, but extreme emotional and verbal. I still stayed.

Anger has often been the first step in me making changes. The other feelings of grief come through, too. We do grieve when a relationship isn't what we want or need.

I hope you continue to read and post. You really do deserve a life without walking around on eggshells or feeling threatened or cornered.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Marytherboo

Wow! Thank you so much for posting that! I see myself so clearly in it, it's uncanny. May you gather as much power and confidence from your own self-awareness and insight as you just gave me.

TCB5568

I just finished a book last night about anger being a God given emotion and we can use it for positive action...such as an alcoholic 's wife can use her anger to set boundaries. I saw my own feelings towards AH in your post and so sorry you are feeling this way.

LifeRecovery

I don't get angry often, and have found that anger for me is a signal that something is broken and I need to make sure I get it fixed.

Since I have come to terms with anger being a good thing (not swimming in it all day every day, but anger is a normal human emotion to feel). I have appreciated what it does for me and it is not as scary.

However I have had to learn that if my behaviors are out of rage and anger that I don't always get the response I want. I don't have control over my emotions, but I do have a say over what I do with them.

In a nutshell the anger to me is part of the recovery process. Are you in a place though that you are ready to share that anger with your loved one? What do you expect from it? Will you be able to stay rational and calm with it? When I wrote something out like you did it took me awhile still before I was ready to share it (though getting it out for me was a huge start).

naive

thanks for sharing, tracy. sounds like your alcoholic plays a lot of intellectual mind games. well done cutting through the philosophical games and getting to the heart of it...addiction.

it might just cause more spinning around if you give this to him.

wishing you perserverence in your new meditation discipline

traceydixon

I gave him this. He is reeling, shocked, horrified, ashamed and sad.

I am just sad.

TCB5568

I'm sorry you feel sad but glad that you gave this to him. Hopefully it will bring about some positive action. I'm praying for you.