blwninthewind

I just don't get it.

Maybe I'm not as sick as I thought I was or something...

but why in the hell is this kids mom letting him anywhere NEAR your AH? And why are you not protecting him by telling his mother it is NOT safe there...

I just don't know what to say at this point.

naive

hello itsastart-

wondering how things are going today?

i've just read all of your posts and from what you have described, he is white knuckling it and it sounds as if his strategy is to do this for a while and then return to drinking once everything cools down.

in my experience, that never works. ever.

the alcoholic has to want to stop on their own. we can not force them to. and believe me, many of us tried to for years.

what you can change, though, is yourself. here we recommend trying to define what your boundaries are. these are things you can control.

if you feel to, could you please clarify exactly what happened with the gun? it's a bit vague. i understand that you wrestle with him for your gun...

was a shot fired?
why did he have your gun?
was he threatening to harm himself or harm you?
does he still have access to the gun?

i was physically abused by my alcoholic, so i understand that one minute things are fine and in the next minute, they are not. it happens in one minute but we have to live with the consequences the rest of our lives.

i understand you love him. we all understand that. and none of this is easy. i am sorry to share with you that we can not make them quit if they don't want to. i hope you take that on-board.

is there alanon near you? that's a good starting place for your own recovery from this trauma.

naive

Threshold

You can't force a person to get and stay sober.

Interesting how many partners of addicts lay down ultimatums for the addict but are unwilling to make changes themselves for their own or their kids benefit.

They want the addict to change to fix their own life, but are unwilling to make changes to improve their own conditions.

Why should you expect him to change, but you stay there tapping your foot and shaking your finger and telling him what he should do. If you feel you are in danger, or your child is (physical or otherwise) or you hate the relationship or your life, what are you willing to do other than point out his issues?

I am not blaming you for all the aspect of the situation or for his addiction or possible failure to stay in recovery, far from it. But sometimes we are all about wanting someone else to do a major life change over but want the right to not have to change ourselves. A sort of "fix yourself so I don't have to do anything about me"

akrasia

I don't want it to seem like a pig-pile or that I'm pointing the Judgey Finger at you, but I think in isolation (both physical isolation and the isolation that comes from living with The Crazy), we can so easily lose perspective.

Two people fighting over a loaded weapon--that's violence. If you see someone drunk with a gun, the thing to do is get the kids out of there and then phone the police.

And saying you're not willing to take a chance on the next time--but you are doing just that, certainly. He's still in the house. Even if you've thrown the guns and the ammo away, there are still presumably steak knives or whatever else.

Have you considered phoning a DV service for help? This is no way to live.

nodaybut2day

This. X 100.

Itsastart

niave,
Thank you so much for that post, I am doing good so far,
and I know that many here think that I am in the OH I love him so much and I can change him,that is so not the case, he knows that I don't love him like I used to and that we have not been doing well in our relationship.
the main problem is he is depressed and drinking everynight he either was okay and laughing or very down.
the night with the gun was the last straw for me we were just laughing an 1/2 hour before watching undercover boss and he was encouraging over me getting a job, then he said to me you don't love me do you. and I said no your not the guy I feel in love with this turned him from happy drunk to what is the point, he had talked about things like this before but after hearing it for so long I just thought it was talk.
we live on out in the middle of nowhere and the guns are shotguns for hunting and protection, even had to take them outside when walking the dogs because of the coyotes being all around in the woods.
this night though I went to the bathroom and heard him load the gun pump shoot gun,
he then came into the bathroom and was gonna have me deal with the mess, I grab the gun and started unloading the bullets from the pump, he then struggle to get it back and said you forgot one and was going for the trigger and placing it in his ...... when I punched him as hard as I could in the jaw and he stumble back leaving me with the gun and left the room, I then spent the next 3 hours trying to get someone to come get him out of my house
His brother told his Mom because I could not reach her and she thought I was over reacting and that he does not have a problem, he's brother thought I should throw him out on his ass.
really here is where I stand, I will not back down from what I want and if he chooses to drink he needs to find another place to live, and I do think he is just buying his time to when he can drink again, but that won't be with me.
he used to make thousands of dollars a week and it was his house, his cars, but now It is my house and truck, so I am in a good position to just have him leave.
I have always asked him why don't you just cut back alittle or try not to drink tonight, now I am not asking anymore and it really is his choice.
On some good signs he has been telling his friends how bad it was that night and that he really was planning on ending his ... and that he is not drinking anymore, because when he was down it just made him become much more depressed.
I keep replaying that night over in my head and if I would have said or done one thing different, it would have been so horrible different. I think it scared the sh.. out of him into seeing just how bad things had gotten.
For me it made me realize that I am not going to stand for one more night of this and being we have 2 boys that have been together as brothers for 10 years I am willing to help him if he chooses not to drink, and If our relationship gets better then we will go from there. but the damage may be done where I will never be in love with him again.

we have been through so much together with no one really to count on but each other. and we were best friends, Family on bothsides have not really been around, my Mom was my bestfriend and loosing her just about devastated me, but I have worked through that and am getting back on my feet I just turned 40 and am looking forward to the next chapter in my life, I was down when I turned 30 because my 20's were gone. but being the hell I have gone throught in my 30's I so look forward to my 40's... Bring on life.
as far as his ex letting her child come here she trust me. and wants him to be around for his son, and thinks I am the best chance he's got in doing that.
but she also knows that this is his last chance with me.

For me and my goals and what I want is a stable home for my son and job for me with health care and a happy life.
My kid is awesome and It is up to me to make sure he is in a secure loving home and I am strong enough to do that now.
I don't need this man to support me, I am not dependant on him, he now is dependant on me. he friend is willing to help him get a car because we only have one now so that will be good, I have told him we should start working on a piece of property he has and even though there are leans on it we could fix it either to rent or for him.
and at that point he may choose that he wants to drink and he can go there.
Phyically I am stronger then him , he has gotten kinda fraile. I am just giving him a chance to get his life back,what he chooses will be up to him. and when I say his life I don't mean us because I honestly don't know If I want that, and I told him that when he said he was not going to drink any more, I said I am not going to tell you I am so in love with you just because of what happened and that is what I think you need to hear from me because that would be a lie, I do love him and want him to be happy with or with out me, but I said I would help him.
Thank you again all of you I am going to stay on here and be part of the sr family and will keep posting and reading.