Cassey

Getting past the guilt of changing the rules.

I was so unfair to people in my life, I made choices I should never have made. I have hurt people in so many ways that I can never take back.

What is the first step in forgiving yourself for your past mistakes. So you can move past that and like yourself enough to have a future with hope and love.

Threshold

Cassey, (((hugs)))

I'm sure you've heard of the infamous "step 4". In 12 step recovery it is the point at which we begin to examine our behavior. The next few steps are the one's which lead us to healing, both our own guilt, and repairing damage done when possible, and finding a new way of relating with life, ourselves, others and a HP..spiritual purpose etc.

It is widely recognized that for recovery and healing to take place, the very issues you bring up must be addressed. If not through the framework of the 12 steps, then using another means, but sweeping it under a rug or giving it a shrug doesn't seem to do the trick.

It's an infection that must be drained in order to heal.

Willybluedog

Cassey,

All I have ever wanted to hear from the people that hurt me is this:

"I was wrong, I am sorry, I will do better, and I will prove it with my deeds and actions"

Cassey

I need to make amends to the people that I have hurt.

although I do not have an alcohol/drug problem, I have a huge problem with always needing to be right. I dont' like looking at myself. I don't like what I see and what I am beginning to understand about myself. It was easier to say well I did this because of that. I used excuses for my behavior just like the A does.

I am stubborn, strong willed, have the need to be in control. I am quick to anger when I don't get what I want. I pout like a baby.

Boy do I need a ton of work. yikessssssssssss


Step 4 - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.



The following is from Paths to Recovery, Al Anon’s Steps, Traditions, and Concepts. pp 38 and 39.

Steps One, Two and Three taught us about the disease of alcoholism, that we are powerless over the disease and that a Power greater than ourselves can return us to sanity if we so desire. As in climbing a staircase, we are at the next Step – a Step for spiritual self-discovery. In nine simple words, Step Four challenges us to take a thorough look at ourselves, the positives as well as the negatives.

The decision to turn our life and will over to the care our Higher Power is demonstrated when we follow it up with the action of taking our moral inventory. The word “searching” has an important impact. This word tells us that it is going to take some research into our past, looking for all the personal issues that are a part of our makeup. When we lose our keys, we will search for them until they are found or until we are satisfied that they are gone forever. Similarly the search through our moral character must be equally thorough. This is where we begin to learn that it is important to write out this Step. If we need to make a list before grocery shopping, doesn’t it seem logical that, in something as important as the personal study of our lives, we keep documentation as well?

LifeRecovery

I am working the steps right now, but have not made it to step 4 yet.

I am taking a training though in therapy and last weekends theme was on "defenses." It really got me thinking. Our defense like anger, controlling issues (big one for me), excuses, etc are there for a reason. That does not make them desirable, but at least for me the weekend helped me to see that at some point the defense saved my life. It is not serving me any longer, but it saved my life.

I have been more willing to work on them when I shifted my perspective on the defense to begin with. I feel less judgemental about myself and more supportive and understanding. When I let go of the layer of judgement I have more space to get a broader view of the problem.

lillamy

You don't have to do step four -- or any of the steps -- perfectly.
Maybe you need to start by forgiving yourself?